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From the police blotter: “Report of rabid woodchuck on Devonshire Lane. It was actually a porcupine that was not sick.”
Besides lovers, St. Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers, epileptics, and plagues.
FAN CLUB FUNNIES
It used to be just Trekkies, Dead Heads, and Hulkamaniacs. But if you’re a huge fan of something today, the Internet makes it possible for you to connect with other fans and share clever nicknames like these.
NBC’s Community has a cult following, members of which call themselves Human Beings. Reason: The show takes place at a community college that tries desperately to be politically correct, down to its extremely neutral team name, the Human Beings.
• Peabodies sounds like a fancy intellectual kind of name, as in the prestigious Peabody Award or the super-intelligent cartoon dog Mr. Peabody. It’s also what Black Eyed Peas fans call themselves. (Get it?)
• The Killers is a rock band. The group’s fans are Victims.
• The satirical ultra-patriotic The Colbert Report has fans called, alternately, Heroes, Colbert Nation, and It-Getters (because, according to host Stephen Colbert, “they get it”).
• “Bro” (short for “brother”) is a slang term that means “guy” or “dude.” For some reason, there’s a following among these bros for the latest My Little Pony cartoon show, Friendship is Magic. These fans call themselves Bronies.
• Hardcore fans of the band They Might Be Giants call themselves Giantheads, and derisively call casual fans Floodies, because those fans only started following the group after its third and only platinum album, Flood.
• Fans of Barry Manilow are “loony” for the soft-rock singer. Thus: Maniloonies.
• Pop singer Bruno Mars has had two #1 hits: “Just the Way You Are” and “Grenade.” Both are on his 2010 album Doo-Wops & Hooligans, which also provides his fanbase nickname, Hooligans.
• People who never miss an episode of Wheel of Fortune are called “elderly.” Just kidding. They call themselves Wheel Watchers, taken from a 1987 ad campaign with the jingle, “I’m a Wheel Watcher,” a parody of the ’60s pop song, “I’m a Girl Watcher.”
Some early Antarctic explorers thought penguins were fish.
• Sixteen million people bought Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill. Only the truly devoted, about three million, bought the follow-up, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. Those fans call themselves Junkies.
• Viewers of HBO’s epic series Game of Thrones split themselves into two camps. The Unsullied are those who have not read the George R.R. Martin novels upon which the show is based, and The Bookwalkers are the ones who have.
• Onstage, rapper Nicki Minaj likes to dress like a bizarre version of Barbie, with bright yellow wigs and pink clothes. Minaj calls her female fans Barbies and her male fans Kens.
• People who love the rock band No Doubt are known as No Doubters.
• Benedict Cumberbatch is a British actor who shot to fame starring in the BBC’s production of Sherlock, which aired on PBS in the U.S. At first, his female admirers called themselves Cumber-bitches, but have since shown preference for two slightly gentler names: The Ben-Addicted or Cucumbers.
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I’M FIRED!
“Faced with severe budget problems, Dan O’Leary, the city manager of Keller, Texas (pop. 27,000), was unable to avoid the sad job of handing out pink slips. He had determined that one of Keller’s three city managers had to go—so he laid himself off. According to a March 2012 Fort Worth Star-Telegram report, O’Leary neither intended to retire nor had other offers pending, and he had aroused no negative suspicions as to motive. He simply realized the city could be managed more cost-effectively by the two lower-paid officials.”
—News of the Weird
Fully Loaded fact: America Remembers sells a collectible “Elvis Presley TCB Tribute Revolver.” (Price: $2,195.)
MEET THE MUCKRAKERS, PART I
The late 1800s through the early 1900s was the “muckraker”era. The term described the investigation and reporting of scandalous activity (“muck”) by political and business leaders, usually with a “David and Goliath” or a common-man versus the rich-and-powerful flavor. It was the birth of modern investigative journalism. Here are a few stories from that time.
SUBJECT: Bloomingdale Asylum, an institution for the mentally ill, located in New York City
MUCKRAKER: In 1872 Julius Chambers, 22, was declared insane and committed to Bloomingdale. Ten days later, his lawyer got him released. In the weeks that followed, a series of articles appeared in the New York Tribune…written by Julius Chambers.
EXPOSED! The 22-year-old was actually a reporter, and with the help of his editor and a lawyer—and after “practicing” acting insane—he’d gotten himself committed to Bloomingdale. His articles in the Tribune detailed the abuse of patients that went on behind the asylum’s doors.
RAMIFICATIONS: Chambers’s groundbreaking undercover journalism led to firings of Bloomingdale staff and improvements in conditions, and even got 12 inmates freed—after they were found to be perfectly sane. In 1876 he wrote a novel on the investigation titled A Mad World and Its Inhabitants. Historians consider Chambers the first modern investigative journalist.
SUBJECT: Blackwell Island Insane Asylum, New York
MUCKRAKER: In 1887 Nellie Bly, a 23-year-old reporter for Joseph Pulitzer’s New York World newspaper, duplicated Julius Chambers’s investigation—but with far greater impact. Bly secured lodging in a home for working women in Manhattan, pretended she didn’t know who she was, and, in a frighteningly simple process, got herself committed to Blackwell Island Asylum, on what is now Roosevelt Island in New York’s East River.
EXPOSED! After ten days, Bly’s editor got her released, and over the next several weeks, New York World readers learned how she was committed and of the horrific conditions inside Blackwell—which included forced freezing baths, rancid food, severe beatings, and the cruel torment of patients.
RAMIFICATIONS: A grand jury was launched to investigate the asylum, which eventually led to major changes in conditions there. Changes were also made to the committal process, and funding for care of the insane in New York City was increased by more than $850,000 the following year. (Note: Bly’s real name was Elizabeth Jane Cochran. It was the custom at the time for female writers to use pseudonyms.)
SUBJECT: The Ku Klux Klan
MUCKRAKER: In 1920 Herbert Bayard Swope, one of the nation’s most respected journalists, became editor of the New York World (the same paper Nellie Bly wrote for). In 1917 he’d won the very first Pulitzer Prize for Reporting for a series of stories on the German Empire during World War I. Now in charge of one of America’s most powerful newspapers, he decided to focus on what he saw as a new but powerful menace: the Ku Klux Klan. After being decimated in the late 1870s (it was founded in 1865), the white-supremacist organization had been restarted in Georgia in 1916 and was suddenly back in force. By 1920 the KKK had hundreds of thousands of members, and the number of cross-burnings, church bombings, and lynchings was growing. Swope launched an in-depth investigation into the Klan’s doings.
EXPOSED! Over 21 days in October 1921, the World published “The Secrets of the Ku Klux Klan Exposed.” Readers learned of secret handshakes, bank accounts, terror tactics, and the identities of politicians and other prominent citizens with ties to the organization.
RAMIFICATIONS: The story—which was syndicated and therefore read by millions all across the country—is credited with helping to turn public sentiment against the Klan and contributing to its eventual demise. The story won the World the 1922 Pulitzer Prize for Public Service.
Worldwide, more molten steel is poured in 1 hour than all the gold found in recorded history.
FIRST DATE? LAST DATE!
Just about everyone has a story about a first date that went really badly…but probably not nearly as badly as these folks’.
First Date: In September 2011, De
an Piraneo, 48, of Waxhaw, North Carolina, took a female acquaintance out for dinner to a steakhouse in Charlotte.
…Last Date: The trouble started when the pair got into Piraneo’s SUV to drive home. That’s when Piraneo, perhaps trying to impress his date with the gun he keeps in the vehicle for his own protection, accidentally shot himself. According to the police report, Piraneo “was reaching for his gun, which was chained up in a bicycle lock underneath the car seat. The gun went off as he was pulling on it, which shot him in the left leg.”
Shooting Blanks: Piraneo was taken to the hospital with a non-life-threatening leg injury, but his budding romance was not expected to survive. No charges were filed.
First Date: In August 2009, a 27-year-old woman from Ferndale, Michigan, met a 23-year-old man named “Chris” at a Detroit casino. The two hit it off and exchanged phone numbers; Chris sent a picture of himself to her phone. A week later, he asked her out to dinner.
…Last Date: The pair went to the Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant in Ferndale. Because Chris didn’t own a car, the woman picked him up in hers. When it was time to leave, Chris told the woman he’d left his wallet in her car and asked for the keys so that he could retrieve it and pay the bill. According to the police report, “From where she was sitting she saw him get in her car and he drove off at a high rate of speed,” sticking his date with the check and stealing her car.
Photo Finish: “Chris” probably wishes he’d never used his phone to send a picture of himself to the woman’s phone. That was how police tracked him down and identified him by his real name, Terrance McCoy. Police recovered the car (minus the stereo) two weeks later. At last report, McCoy was in jail awaiting trial. If convicted, he could get five years.
DNA paternity tests are now commonly performed on show dogs and racehorses.
First Date: Not long after Leah Gibbs, 23, of Tylorstown, Wales (U.K.), split up with the father of her two kids, an old friend of hers named Adam Minton, 21, contacted her through Facebook. After chatting a few times online, he asked her out; she agreed to meet him for drinks the next day.
…Last Date: When Gibbs arrived at Minton’s house, he asked her to give him a ride “to his friend’s house to pick something up.” She dropped him off in front of Ladbrokes, the local betting parlor, then waited in the car for him to return. A few minutes later, she saw Minton come running out of Ladbrokes with a knife in one hand and a bag of money in the other. “He dived, rather than climbed, into the passenger seat, then screamed, ‘Go! Go! Go!’” Gibbs told The Mirror newspaper. Police caught up with the pair a short time later and arrested them both: Minton for robbing the bookie—and Gibbs for driving the getaway car. “I began sobbing hysterically and said there had been a terrible mistake, but Adam just sat next to me completely silent,” Gibbs told the reporter.
True Confessions: Gibbs spent a night in jail before Minton ’fessed up and told authorities that she’d had nothing to do with the heist. All charges against Gibbs were dropped; today she’s back at home with her kids. Minton, who unbeknownst to Gibbs had a drug problem and a criminal record, got 4½ years.
First Date: In June 2008, a divorced 53-year-old former jockey named Angel Valdez invited Patricia Curtice, 55, who tends bar in Florida, to go horseback riding near his home in Spring Hill, about 40 miles north of Tampa. Curtice rode a Quarter Horse named Duke; Valdez rode a mare named Emma.
…Last Date: Valdez was a perfect gentleman, and his horses were well behaved. So what went wrong? As they were riding through a wooded area, two donkeys appeared out of the tall grass and charged the horses. Valdez jumped off his horse, but before Curtice could get off hers, the donkeys bit the horse in his hindquarters. Duke reared up and tossed Patricia to the ground, where she was stomped by all three animals until Duke galloped off, with the donkeys in hot pursuit.
Who knew donkeys could be trained as guard animals? Turns out they lived on a nearby cattle ranch owned by a multimillionaire auto dealer named Frank Morsani, where they were used to protect the herd from coyotes and other varmints. The donkeys may have been stressed that day because a number of cattle had escaped through a hole in the fence. Sensing a threat when Curtice and Valdez rode by, they attacked.
Eau d’armpit: Sweat was once used as an ingredient in perfume and love potions.
Horse Sense: Curtice suffered seven broken ribs and bruises to her lungs and spine, injuries that left her unable to tend bar. She also racked up more than $80,000 in hospital bills. At last report, she was suing Morsani for negligence for letting his animals get out. The good news? Curtice and Valdez are engaged. “I told him, ‘We’re together. Because I’m not going on a second date!’”
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NAME THAT PRODUCT
“Kleenex” is probably the most famous example of a “genericized trademark”—a product so popular that people use the brand-name to identify it. You’ve probably heard someone ask for a “Kleenex” more often than they ask for a “tissue.” Here are some other name brands that have gone generic…and what, technically speaking, you should be calling them.
• Bubble Wrap: Inflated cushioning
• Dumpster: Front-loader waste container
• Chapstick: Lip balm
• Lava Lamp: Liquid motion lamp
• Frisbee: Flying disc
• Hacky Sack: Footbag
• Jet Ski: Personal watercraft
• Jacuzzi: Whirlpool bath
• AstroTurf: Artificial turf
• JumboTron: Large-screen television
• Onesie: Infant bodysuit
• Superglue: Cyanoacrylate adhesive
• Rollerblades: Inline skates
• Tivo: Digital video recorder
• Speedos: Swim briefs
• Styrofoam: Extruded polystyrene foam
Insomnia is almost twice as common in women as it is in men.
JOKE ORIGINS
Classic jokes are essentially oral traditions that get passed from person to person for decades until someone decides to write them down. We asked our resident jokestorian, Bozo Newman, to find the origins of a few classics. Honk honk!
KNOCK-KNOCK!
During Prohibition in the 1930s, if you wanted to get into a speakeasy, you would knock on the door, someone would ask, “Who’s there?” and you’d have to say a password. According to joke historian Charlie Orr, drunken patrons often had fun with the password custom as the night wore on, and that’s how the knock-knock joke was born. Orr claimed that the very first knock-knock joke was told in the restroom of a Philadelphia hotel. The first guy said, “Knock-knock.” His friend replied, “Who’s there?” “Ranger.” “Ranger who?” “Ranger clothes before you leave here!”
TOM SWIFTIES
Uncle John’s favorite type of pun consists of a made-up quotation followed by a clever attribute that reinforces what was said:
• “I feel like raising the dead,” said Tom, cryptically.
• “That’s the last time I stick my arm in a lion’s mouth,” said Tom off-handedly.
These puns parody the writing style in the Tom Swift book series. Created in 1910 by Edward Stratemeyer (who also created the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew), Tom Swift is a teenaged hero who uses his wits to thwart bad guys. Stratemeyer used clever wordplay, such as, “‘We must hurry,’ said Tom swiftly.” The pun style was originally called Tom Swiftly, later shortened to Tom Swifty.
POLISH JOKES
Blame Adolf Hitler for these. In his quest to conquer Poland in the 1930s, Hitler pushed the racist “dumb Polack” stereotype so the rest of Europe wouldn’t sympathize with the country’s fate. The Nazi propaganda machine claimed, among other things, that Polish soldiers on horseback had once attacked German tanks with swords. That stereotype spread to the U.S. after the war, and by the 1960s, Poles had become a punchline. The TV show Laugh-in (1967–73) featured a regular segment dedicated to Polish jokes. Books of Polish jokes followed over the next decade. The perception began to change in 1978 when Cardinal Ka
rol Wojtyla became the first Polish pope (John Paul II). The fad tapered off after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991.
Knock-knock jokes are popular in some non-English-speaking countries: The French say “toc-toc”; the Japanese say “kon-kon.”
YO’ MAMA
These jokes became popular in the 1960s in inner cities as part of a trash-talking game called the Dozens. Two African Americans would trade insults until one of them couldn’t think of a comeback. The Dozens, which is considered a progenitor of free-style rap music, goes back centuries. According to Mona Lisa Saloy’s book, Still Laughing to Keep from Crying, “The Dozens has its origins in the slave trade of New Orleans, where deformed slaves—punished with dismemberment for disobedience—were grouped in lots of a ‘cheap dozen.’ To be sold as part of the ‘dozens’ was the lowest blow possible.” And in the insult game that came out of it, there is no lower blow than one directed at your opponent’s mama:
• Yo’ mama so hairy, Bigfoot was taking her picture!
• Yo’ mama so stupid, she cooks with Old Spice!
• Yo’ Mama so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
MORE CLASSIC JOKES
• The Chicken Joke: First appeared in print in 1847 in a New York magazine called The Knickerbocker, on a page titled “Gossip with Readers and Correspondents.” A reader wrote in:
There are “quips and quillets” which seem actual conundrums, but yet are none. Of such is this: “Why does a chicken cross the street?” Are you “out of town?” Do you “give it up?” Well, then: “Because it wants to get on the other side!”
• The Newspaper Joke: What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper, of course. The joke first appeared in an American humor anthology in 1917.
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