Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  CONTEST NAMESAKE

  Today the British author’s name may be best known for being attached to a challenge dedicated to bad writing. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, sponsored by San Jose State University in California, attracts tens of thousands of entries every year, each writer hoping to be recognized as the author of the worst opening line of a fictitious novel. The winner of the 2011 competition:

  Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.

  —Sue Fondrie, Oshkosh, Wisconsin

  But not all of Bulwer-Lytton’s writing was bad. Some reviewers considered him equal to—or even better than—his contemporary Charles Dickens. In fact, Dickens consulted with Bulwer-Lytton about the manuscript of Great Expectations and took his advice in changing the unbearably sad ending (lovers forever part) to a happy one (lovers meet again and vow never to part).

  Here are some more facts about the contest’s namesake.

  LIFE STORY

  • Bulwer-Lytton published his first volume of poetry in 1818, at the age of 15, following with three plays and 29 novels ranging in subject from the historical (The Last Days of Pompei) to horror (The Haunted and the Haunters, or The House and the Brain) to romance, and a very early piece of science fiction about a race of beings living inside Earth (Vril: The Power of the Coming Race).

  • Two of his novels became operas, including Rienzi, the Last of the Roman Tribunes, adapted by Richard Wagner, and Leonora, the first opera composed in the United States.

  • Another book, Ernest Maltravers (1879), was the first Western novel ever translated into Japanese.

  • Several phrases coined by Bulwer-Lytton have been quoted and requoted to the point of becoming cliches, including “pursuit of the almighty dollar,” “the great unwashed,” and “the pen is mightier than the sword.”

  LOVE STORY

  • Bulwer-Lytton’s personal life was a soap opera. Despite being high-born, he ended up having to work for a living because he married a woman of whom his mother did not approve, so she cut off his allowance. He split with great acrimony from the woman he married, Rosina Doyle Wheeler, after five years of marriage, two children, and a series of mistresses.

  Wheeler got even by writing a wicked satire of her husband called Cheveley, or the Man of Honor. In return, he threatened her publisher with a libel lawsuit, had her committed to an insane asylum, took away her allowance, and denied her access to their children. His actions provoked so much bad publicity that he had her released from the asylum after only a few weeks. She promptly set to work on her memoirs, in which she again savaged her husband, this time without hiding behind the veneer of fiction.

  Average cost of a traditional Thanksgiving meal: $4.20 per person.

  BIG HOUSE

  • Bulwer-Lytton’s forebears and descendants have lived in the stately Knebworth House since 1490. Its current occupant, also a descendant of Bulwer-Lytton, keeps the property intact through paid tours, and renting it out for events and films. The building has appeared as Bruce Wayne’s manor in Batman, the Mallory Gallery in The Great Muppet Caper, Balmoral Castle in The King’s Speech, and parts of Hogwarts School in the Harry Potter films.

  • Bulwer-Lytton died a few days before his 70th birthday from an abscess that formed after a doctor operated on his ear. He let it be known beforehand that he wouldn’t be caught dead being interred at Westminster Abbey, but since he was a baron, a former member of Parliament, and a famous author, that’s exactly what happened.

  • Ironically, Bulwer-Lytton wasn’t the first to use the phrase “It was a dark and stormy night…” in a literary work. Twenty-one years earlier, Washington Irving had used the exact same phrase in his book The History of New York:

  It was a dark and stormy night when the good Antony arrived at the creek (sagely denominated Haerlem River) which separates the island of Manna-hata from the mainland. The wind was high, the elements were in an uproar….

  The rambling, parenthetical sentence structure is so similar to what Bulwer-Lytton wrote in 1830 that scholars assume Bulwer-Lytton work was satirizing Irving’s work.

  • He wasn’t the last to use it, either: Other works that have begun with the same seven words include A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle, Let’s All Kill Constance by Ray Bradbury, chapter 65 of Alexandre Dumas’ The Three Musketeers, and Joni Mitchell’s song “The Crazy Cries of Love.” Conversely, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman began their book Good Omens with: “It wasn’t a dark and stormy night.”

  * * *

  “Truth is the safest lie.” —Jewish proverb

  Wombats have cube-shaped poop. They use it to mark their territory because it can’t roll away.

  MONEY IS NO OBJECT!

  Are you a billionaire? Here’s a shopping list of household items you might need.

  Mattress. The Vividus (Latin for “full of life”) from Swedish company Hästens is entirely handmade from a blend of natural fibers (including horsehair) and built to your individual specifications. You can only buy one in a Hästens store, and you can only see them by appointment. Cost: $69,500.

  Toaster. Dualit is a 65-year-old British company that makes a variety of high-end handmade appliances, including the Combi toaster, which can toast four slices of bread in your home or toast 80 sandwiches an hour in your restaurant. Cost: $382.

  Bicycle. The Aurumania Gold Bike Crystal edition is entirely 24-karat gold-plated, even the sprockets and spokes. The saddle and handlebar grips are made of handsewn leather, and there are more than 600 Swarovski crystals embedded in the bike’s frame. The name “Aurumania” is written in Swarovski crystals on the cross-bar—in Braille. Cost: $114,464.

  Blender. The Blendtec Smoother Q-Series comes with a heavy-duty 20 amp motor, which means this commercial blender can make endless rounds of margaritas or blended coffee drinks. And the see-through “copolyester sound enclosure” makes it very sleek and very quiet. Cost: $1,199.95

  Trash Can. The “i” in German manufacturer Wesco’s i.Master wastecan stands for “intelligent.” It has a battery-powered infrared sensor that automatically opens the lid when your hand gets near. (It also has a foot pedal.) And it’s fire-resistant. Cost: $430.

  Pair of Jeans. Levi’s “Spin Jeans,” made in collaboration with artist Damien Hirst, are multicolored, splatter-patterned jeans, reminiscent of spin-art that you’d make at a carnival. Only eight pairs were made. (All were sold.) Cost: $27,000.

  Bathtub. Kallista, the copper-smithing company that made the copper “fire” in the Statue of Liberty’s torch, also makes tubs. Its Archeo model is solid copper. Five feet long, 21 inches deep, and with a 71-gallon capacity, it comfortably seats two. Cost: $67,557.

  First pro wrestler to be inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame: Andre the Giant.

  TOO CHEAP FOR GRACELAND

  With tickets to the King’s home running as high as $70 apiece, it’s easy to understand why some fans might have to give his castle a pass. Luckily, there are plenty of other places to get an Elvis fix.

  THE ELVIS MUSEUM, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

  Cost: $25 gets you admission to the museum and a live show by an Elvis impersonator ($17 for just the museum).

  Background: Founder Mike L. Moon got his start collecting Elvis memorabilia in 1971 after he met the King in person and admired a belt he was wearing. Elvis removed the belt and gave it to Moon on the spot. “This generous act made a lasting impression, and Mr. Moon became an avid follower and fan, collecting authentic Elvis memorabilia as opportunities arose,” says the museum’s website.

  Taking Care of Business: After Elvis died in 1977, Moon stepped up his collecting, purchasing items from the Presley family, the Memphis Mafia (Elvis’s hangers-on), and others close to the King. He assembled what he calls The World’s Largest Private Collection of Elvis Memorabilia. Included in the hoard are numerous pieces of jewelry, including one of Elvis’s TCB (“Tak
ing Care of Business”) rings, clothing, jumpsuits, guitars, back and foot massagers, a telephone, and “Elvis’s last limousine,” which the King bought after admiring it in the movie Shaft.

  Bonus: If you go, you’ll want to know that Pigeon Forge is also home to Dollywood, Dolly Parton’s theme park (which has a museum dedicated to her), and a Titanic museum housed in a building shaped like the Titanic.

  SIERRA SID’S TRUCK STOP/CASINO, Sparks, Nevada

  Cost: Free. The truck stop and the casino are open 24 hours.

  Background: When Elvis’s father, Vernon Presley, died in 1979, his fiancée, Sandy Miller, inherited a number of Elvis’s personal effects. She sold them to truck-stop owner “Sierra” Sid Doan, who put them on display at the truck stop. They’re still there.

  Taking Care of Business: The main attractions are the three guns that belonged to Elvis—an engraved gold Smith & Wesson .38 Special, a .44 magnum Ruger Blackhawk he bought while serving in the Army in Germany, and an 1897 Colt .38 that he used in the 1964 film Viva Las Vegas. Note: These are not the guns that Elvis used to shoot his TV when singer Robert Goulet appeared on the tube. (But he did use the Colt .38 to shoot at light bulbs he tossed into Graceland’s swimming pool.)

  Call sign for Elvis Presley’s private jet, the Lisa Marie: “Hound Dog One.”

  GRACELAND TOO, Holly Springs, Mississippi

  Cost: $5 for the 1½ hour tour. (Three visits entitle you to free admission for the rest of your life.)

  Background: Located just 30 miles south of Memphis, this two-story columned antebellum home bears some resemblance to Elvis’s former home, except that it’s smaller and usually painted in a garish color like hot pink or baby blue. Owner/hoarder Paul MacLeod has crammed it full of more than ten million items of Presleyana, including records, magazines, scrapbooks filled with newspaper clippings, old candy wrappers, bags stuffed with dead flowers from Elvis’ funeral, and plastic storage tubs filled with carpet scraps tossed out by the real Graceland.

  Taking Care of Business: The house opened to the public in 1990 and has been open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year ever since. MacLeod, who sleeps only four hours a night, snoozes on a couch near the front door so that he can hear the doorbell at any hour. As soon as it rings he springs into action, fueled by the 24 cans of Coca-Cola he drinks each day. He used to give tours with the help of his son, Elvis Aron Presley MacLeod, but his son moved to New York. Don’t expect to see McLeod’s former wife around the place, either. “My ex-wife told me, ‘Make up your mind. Either me or the Elvis collection.’ So that put an end to that,” he explains.

  FT. CHAFFEE BARBERSHOP MUSEUM, Arkansas

  Cost: Free

  Background: When Elvis entered the Army in 1958, he had to get a regulation buzz cut just like every other inductee. But because his was one of the most famous heads of hair in the world, his haircut made history. In 2008 Fort Chaffee’s barbershop was lovingly restored to look just like it did on March 25, 1958, the day the King was cropped. The museum features pictures of Elvis getting his haircut and other period artifacts. (One thing you won’t see: Elvis’s hair clippings. The barber, James “Pete” Peterson, was ordered to mix the King’s clippings with other hair while an Army major watched; then, when he took the hair out to the dumpster, he was escorted by military police to make sure fans didn’t steal it.) In 2011 the barbershop and surrounding barracks were added to the National Register of Historic Places.

  First film ever made in Hollywood: D. W. Griffith’s 1910 In Old California.

  Taking Care of Business: Each March 25, the nearby town of Fort Smith celebrates Elvis Haircut Day, complete with—if you dare—free “authentic G.I. buzz cuts” given by Peterson’s son, Jimmy Don.

  Coming Soon: The adjacent Fort Chaffee Barracks Museum, “where Elvis Presley slept during his tenure (three days) at Fort Chaffee.”

  THE EVERYTHING ELVIS MUSEUM, Cornelia, Georgia

  Cost: $5

  Background: Art student Joni Mabe’s obsession with the King began on the day he died, August 16, 1977. She was washing her car when the radio station announced his death and started playing Elvis songs. Mabe, who calls herself “The Queen of the King,” was inspired to create Elvis-themed artwork and to start a collection of Elvis memorabilia that has grown to more than 30,000 objects.

  Taking Care of Business: The two most impressive items in her collection are 1) The Elvis Wart, an actual wart removed from the back of Elvis’s right hand in 1957 and purchased for “a substantial sum” from the doctor who removed it; and 2) The Maybe Elvis Toenail, which Mabe says she plucked from the green shag carpet in Graceland’s Jungle Room while touring the holy of holies in 1983. (Get it? Maybe it’s Elvis’s toenail, and maybe it isn’t.) Despite having one and possibly two sources of Elvis’s DNA, Mabe has refused all requests to clone the King. “I would never want Elvis cloned. Ever,” she told Weird Georgia author Jim Miles, “because then he wouldn’t have a mama.” Besides, Mabe asks, “How can anybody be sure that they won’t actually create an Elvis monster?” (The museum’s most popular souvenir: T-shirts that read, “The King is Gone…But the Wart Lives On.”)

  The world’s 1st “scented billboard” was put up in Mooresville, NC, in 2010. The scent: steak.

  THE ELVIS PRESLEY FIGHT SCENE, Madison, Wisconsin

  Price: Free

  Background: At 1:00 a.m. on the morning of June 24, 1977, two teenage punks were beating up a third kid in front of the Skyland gas station when two limousines rolled up and stopped at a red light. Elvis, in town for a concert, was riding in the second car.

  Taking Care of Business: The King jumped out of the car and assumed a “classic karate stance,” challenging the punks to a fight. That stopped them in their tracks. The kids shook hands with Elvis and each other. “Is everything settled now?” Elvis asked. When the boys promised not to fight anymore, Presley got back in his limousine and sped off. The incident would likely have been forgotten, had the King not died less than two months later. The fight remained fresh in local memory for 30 years, and in 2007, a granite marker was placed on the spot. The Skyland station is long gone; today it’s a car dealership. But the marker is still there.

  IT’S NOW OR NEVER

  If you want to visit the museums listed above, don’t put it off. Without Graceland’s deep pockets, they can go under without warning. Here’s one alternative Elvis venue that has already left the building.

  • The Elvis Is Alive Museum, Wright City, Missouri. Opened in 1990 by Bill Beeny (a Baptist preacher, real estate salesman, conspiracy theorist, and occasional Elvis impersonator) the museum featured an Elvis funeral display with a dummy in an open coffin. (“It doesn’t look like Elvis, but neither did the guy in the casket,” Beeny said.) Other exhibits included documents from Elvis’ FBI file, a recording of a message the King left on an answering machine six years after he “died,” and results from a DNA test comparing Elvis’ DNA to the body in the casket at Elvis’s funeral. (“They did not match! Elvis was not in the casket!”). In 2007 Beany sold the collection on eBay for $8,000. The new owner reopened the museum in Mississippi, then closed it several months later and put the collection back up for sale on eBay—twice. (No takers.) The museum is currently in storage, but the website is still up. There, visitors can buy Beeny’s book, Elvis’s DNA Proves He’s Alive, and post messages for the King to read. “Since Elvis did not die on August 16, 1977 and always enjoyed fan mail, we think he’d still enjoy hearing from you,” says the site.

  Star Trek’s Lieutenant Uhura’s name means “freedom” in Swahili.

  MYTH CONCEPTIONS

  “Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some examples of things that many people believe but, according to our sources, just aren’t true.

  Myth: St. Patrick was Irish.

  Truth: The patron saint of Ireland was actually born in Scotland in the late 4th century. When he was a teenager, Palladius (his real name) was kidnapped and sold into slavery in Ireland. Six years later, he escap
ed and went back to Scotland, where he joined a monastery. As an adult, Palladius returned to Ireland as a missionary, where he lived for 40 years, dying in A.D. 461 (And he didn’t drive away any snakes—there weren’t any.)

  Myth: Jogging will wear out your knees.

  Truth: Quite the opposite, actually. According to an 18-year study by Stanford University (from 1984 to 2002), running and jogging on a regular basis will make your knees stronger and your joints better lubricated. So if you go jogging and your knees hurt, most likely it’s because you’re out of shape or there’s a preexisting problem that you’re aggravating.

  Myth: Greco-Roman architecture and statues were white.

  Truth: They may look white now, but ancient traces of pigment have been detected on many of these structures, leading archeologists to believe that buildings like the famed Parthenon were probably very colorfully and elaborately painted.

  Myth: Florida’s Everglades is a giant swamp.

  Truth: The Everglades is actually a very slow-moving river, 60 miles wide and 100 miles long. It flows from Lake Okeechobee and lets out in the Florida Bay.

  Myth: The phrase “up to par” means a task has been performed satisfactorily, but not great—more like “average.”

  Fact: In golf, where this phrase comes from, par refers to the score an expert golfer should achieve on a hole. So if you perform a task “up to par,” it technically means you’ve done it perfectly, without making a single error—which is a lot better than “average.”

  Vitamin D is the only vitamin that is a hormone.

  Myth: The popular Christmas carol contains the yuletide phrase “God rest you, merry gentleman.”