Of the 11 countries where the average woman has more than six children, 10 are in Africa.
Crisis averted? Nope. The council approved an “emergency” purchase of paper products to last only through the end of the fiscal year, three and a half months away. After that, the battle over whether to supply city workers with toilet paper would begin anew. “We’re the laughingstock not only of this nation, but the world,” said council president Kathy McBride.
* * *
KEEPING UP WITH THE TERRORISTS
In 2012 a man named Jonathan Lee Riches filed a lawsuit against rapper Kanye West and his girlfriend, TV personality Kim Kardashian. The charges: West and Kardashian, along with the entire Kardashian family (including stepdad Bruce Jenner) are secret terrorists, aligned with Al-Qaeda, and that they’re a danger to the American public. “On 6/17/2012, I was in West Virginia,” reads the suit, “deep in the hills and I stumbled upon the defendants who were all at a Al-Qaeda secret training camp.” Riches also claims to have seen Kardashian and West take an Al-Qaeda loyalty oath, burn the U.S. flag, stomp on a picture of President Obama, shoot AK-47s into the air, then perform a concert for other terrorist trainees. Riches, it’s worth noting, is listed in the Guinness World Records as the “World’s Most Litigious Man,” having filed more than 5,000 lawsuits. At the time of his filing the suit against the Kardashians, he had just been released from prison, where he was serving time for fraud.
Thomas Edison was homeschooled by his mom.
DUMB CROOKS:
BLABBER EDITION
These criminals probably could have gotten away with their crimes…if they hadn’t bragged about them.
STATUS UPDATE: JESSE GETS 60 YEARS
Jesse Hippolite, 23, went on a bank-robbing spree in Brooklyn, New York, in 2011, handing tellers a note that read “GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY OR ELSE EVERYBODY DIES!!!” (He never actually brandished a weapon.) A partial license plate number from the getaway car led cops to Hippolite and they hit pay dirt on his Facebook page. Hippolite had posted a photo of himself wearing the same sweatshirt he’d worn in the robberies and holding a wad of cash. Two of his posts: “Crime pays my bills” and “What if we all got fed up with this recession and started running inside every f*cking bank to give us the money that belong to us???” Hippolite was arrested and now faces 60 years in prison.
AIRWAVE AIRHEAD
In June 2011, Susan Cole of Denver, Colorado, was called for jury duty. The 56-year-old beautician didn’t want to serve, so she showed up at the courthouse wearing blotchy makeup, curlers, reindeer socks, and mismatched shoes. She then fabricated a sad story to District Judge Anne Mansfield: “I broke out of domestic violence in the military. And I have a lot of repercussions. One is post-traumatic stress disorder.” Mansfield immediately dismissed her. A few months later, the topic on a Denver talk radio show was “How to Avoid Jury Duty.” Cole was listening that day. She called in and described her ruse in detail. Guess who else tuned in that day: Judge Mansfield. Cole was charged with first-degree perjury.
TRÈS STUPIDE
A French computer hacker, known only as “Carl,” specialized in stealing people’s credit information. He’d done it hundreds of times but had never been detected. In 2011 the self-described “hacktivist” appeared on the French reality show Further Investigation, and not only did he demonstrate how he hacked—he bragged about who he hacked: the French military and the Thales Group, a company that provides “information systems and services for the aerospace, defense, and security markets.” Thales Group officials alerted the police. They tracked “Carl” to his home, where they found victims’ bank data on his hard drive. He was promptly arrested.
Technically, nuclear power is steam power.
PHOTO OOPS
One day in 2011, Rodney Knight, Jr., 19, broke into the home of a Washington, D.C., family. King grabbed as much loot as he could and snuck out before anyone got home. The house belonged to Washington Post reporter Marc Fisher, who wrote that the burglar had left a parting shot:
Compelled to showboat about his big achievement, he opened my son’s computer, took a photo of himself sneering as he pointed to the cash lifted from my son’s desk, and then went on my son’s Facebook account and posted the picture for 400 teenagers to see. In the picture, the man is wearing my new winter coat.
The photo made it easy for police to track down Knight. Said one officer: “He’s the most stupid criminal I’ve ever seen.”
INK-COMPREHENSIBLE
In 2004 a Los Angeles gang member named Anthony Garcia gunned down a rival gangster in front of a liquor store. Homicide investigators were unable to link anyone to the murder, and the case was marked “unsolved.” Afterward, Garcia had a detailed tattoo of the crime scene inked across his chest. A few years later, when he was arrested on an unrelated charge, police took a picture of his tattoo. Two years after that, L.A. County homicide investigator Kevin Lloyd was reviewing photos of gangster tattoos when Garcia’s stopped him cold. Lloyd had worked on the liquor store case and was still bothered that the killer had never been caught. Could it be the same crime scene? He retrieved the case photos, and sure enough, there were details in the tattoo that only the killer could know, including “the direction the victim’s body fell, the bowed streetlamp across the way, and the street sign.” The investigation was reopened, and in 2011 Garcia was convicted of first-degree murder. He faces up to 65 years.
Tough guys: Ostrich leather is 7 times stronger than cowhide. Stingray skin: 25 times.
DON’T WORRY
Stop biting your fingernails long enough to read these quotes. (Now resume biting.)
“The game is supposed to be fun. If you have a bad day, don’t worry about it. You can’t expect to get a hit every game.”
—Yogi Berra
“It ain’t no use putting up your umbrella until it rains.”
—Alice Hegan Rice
“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
—Lily Tomlin
“What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens.”
—Benjamin Disraeli
“Worry is rust upon the blade.”
—Henry Ward Hughes
“We are more disturbed by a calamity which threatens us than by one which has befallen us.”
—John Lancaster Spalding
“I read an article that said the symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a great day!”
—Monica Piper
“Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.”
—Dean Inge
“Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
—Harold Stephens
“My advice to actresses is, don’t worry about your looks. The one thing that makes you unhappy in your appearance could be the one thing to make you a star.”
—Estelle Winwood
“If you’re too busy worrying about the competition, you don’t focus enough on what you’re doing.”
—Katie Couric
“A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.”
—John Lubbock
“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”
—Winston Churchill
On average, daters will have their first kiss on the second date.
“DEATH IS COMING, WARNS WEATHERMAN”
A few more phony headlines from the satirical news agencies file.
E-TRADE BABY JAILED IN INSIDER-TRADING SCANDAL
(Humor Gazette, August 2011)
SELF-DESCRIBED “SUPER BUSY” WOMAN REALLY JUST BAD AT TIME MANAGEMENT
(Red Schtick Magazine, Jun. 2012)
FIRST “BIG-BONED” SKELETON DISCOVERED
(Surreal Scoop, Dec. 2011)
Baltimore Ravens Kicker Blames Missed Field Goal on ‘Do-Nothing Congress’
(The Daily Rash, Jan. 2012)
SANTA PISSED OFF AFTER WIKILEAKS REVEALS XMAS LIST
(The Daily Squib, Nov. 2011)
Saudi Women’s Beach Volleyball Team Set to Ruin It for Everyone
(News Biscuit, June 2012)
GOD NAMES NEXT “CHOSEN PEOPLE”; IT’S JEWS AGAIN
(The Satire Wire, Nov. 2010)
Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast
(Satire and Comment, Jun. 2011)
ISRAELI RESEARCHERS DEVELOP MARIJUANA WITHOUT THE ANNOYING HIGH
(The Sarcasmist, July 2012)
Release of Aung San Suu Kyi Another Example of Myanmar’s Shameful Revolving-Door House Arrest System
(The Daily Grind, Nov. 2010)
DEATH IS COMING, WARNS WEATHERMAN
(The Nev Filter, August 2011)
AFTERBIRTHERS DEMAND TO SEE OBAMA’S PLACENTA
(The Onion, August 2009)
How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil
(Weekly World News, May 2009)
‘HEINEKEN MAKES YOU BETTER AT DRIVING’ AD BANNED
(The Oxymoron, Sept. 2009)
Are they nuts? The FDA allows frozen strawberries to have up to a 45% mold count.
BANNED!
It’s human nature: If authorities outlaw something, suddenly more people than ever will want it…and someone will find a loophole and get around the ban.
BEER ON THE ROCKS
In 1908 the people of Iceland voted to ban alcoholic beverages. The law went into effect in 1915 but was relaxed in 1935, permitting the sale of spirits and “near” beer—beer with a low alcohol content of 2.25 percent or less. But thirsty Icelanders still figured out a way to get drunk on beer. How? Bartenders poured shots of hard alcohol into beers and served them that way. It was a more cost-effective way to get drunk than buying a few high-priced shots, or a lot of weak beer. (The ban was lifted in 1989.)
THE GOOSE IS COOKED
Foie gras is a French delicacy—the fatty liver of an overfed goose or duck. Animal rights activists believe the process of overfeeding immobile birds in tiny pens is cruel, and in 2012 convinced the California legislature to ban the sale of foie gras in that state. But consuming foie gras isn’t illegal there. Chez TJ, a restaurant in Mountain View, California, stockpiled it in the months leading up to the ban and now serves the delicacy as a “free item” with the purchase of a $130 tasting menu. Chicago also briefly banned the food, from 2006 to 2008. That ban was a failure because of the widespread practice of upscale restaurants charging $30 for bottles of mineral water that came with “free” foie gras.
A COLORFUL STORY
In 2011 St. Joseph Catholic Secondary School in Mississauga, Ontario, banned any decorations with a rainbow. Reason: It’s used as a symbol of the Gay Pride movement, and the school doesn’t want to promote that. St. Joseph’s did, however, allow a group of students to hold an anti-homophobia rally, as long as no rainbows appeared on signs, posters, or shirts. The students got around the ban by baking and distributing rainbow-colored cupcakes, which didn’t qualify as “decorations.”
What are Spirit Bombs, Gerbils, and Kurukuru Milks? Official yo-yo tricks.
LE SMOKE
France became one of the first countries in the world to ban smoking at indoor public places in 2007. Smoking is much more prevalent in Europe than in the United States, particularly in France. By 2012 dozens of cafés and restaurants in and around Paris had sidestepped the ban by allowing patrons to smoke on terraces, which are technically considered “outside.” Smokers are protected from the rain and wind because the terraces are covered on all sides by transparent plastic tarps.
SMOKING POT(VIN)
The New York Rangers and New York Islanders are crosstown NHL rivals. In a February 1979 game, Islanders star Denis Potvin body checked the Rangers’ Ulf Nilsson, causing Nilsson to break his ankle and miss the rest of the season. That intensified anti-Islander sentiment among Ranger fans. After that, whenever the organist played the popular rally song “Let’s Go Blue” at Rangers home games, for the last three notes of the song, the crowd chanted “Pot-vin sucks!” Result: The arena banned its organists from playing “Let’s Go Blue.” But Ranger crowds got around the ban by whistling the tune in mass unison and chanting “Potvin sucks” at the end. Thirty years later, the ban is still in place and Ranger fans still whistle—and chant—the tune. (Potvin retired in 1988.)
SING, SING, SING!
The purpose of a labor strike is to force management into meeting workers’ demands, because without workers, nothing can get done. Sometimes crafty bosses find ways around strikes. In January 1948 the American Federation of Musicians, the primary labor union of performing and recording musicians at the time, went on strike. AFM president James Petrillo barred all members from attending recording sessions as a way to force the music industry to pay royalties to the union. But before the strike was settled, some record companies replaced their musicians with a capella choirs and other vocal groups who sang the instrumental parts, ushering in the pop vocal era that replaced the big band era.
Stormy weather: The number of category 4 & 5 hurricanes has doubled in the past 30 years.
KHAN THE MAN
Genghis Khan (1162–1227), creator of the Mongol Empire: ruthless conqueror or peaceful nation-builder?
• Genghis Khan conquered more of the world than any person before or since.
• His empire was twice the size of Rome’s, stretching from the Pacific Ocean in the east to the Caspian Sea in the west. His successors extended the borders into modern-day Poland, Korea, and southern China. The boundaries of India, China, and Iran are direct results of his conquests.
• He was born Temujin. Genghis Khan, which means “universal leader,” is a title that was bestowed on him by the Mongol tribes when he was 50 years old.
• Despite the power he attained, he never once slept indoors. He preferred the ger, a circular tent made of wood poles and covered with felt. Today it’s called a yurt and it’s still the most common type of Mongolian dwelling. More than half the population of the capital city of Ulaanbaatar live in a yurts.
• When Temujin was eight years old, his half-brother Begter stole a fish from him. Angered that Begter was keeping food from the family, Temujin killed him with a bow and arrow. For this crime he was held in slavery for five years.
• He was said to be terrified of just two things: barking dogs and his mother.
• After they became his subjects, former enemies received the same rights as his most loyal citizens and were able to rise to the highest offices.
• Any tribe that would not swear allegiance to Genghis Khan left itself open to be conquered, and he went after them mercilessly. However, he knew that kidnapping women and stealing livestock led to war with neighboring tribes, so he made those crimes punishable by death.
• Other crimes punishable by death in the Mongol Empire: lying, adultery, sorcery, and urinating into water.
That’s no lady: Ladybugs can bite.
• After conquering the Bokhara people in modern Kazakhstan, he suspected them of hiding their treasure deep in a palace. “If you ask me what proof I have,” he said, “it is because I am the punishment of God.” He found the treasure and divided it among his warriors.
• Conquered armies served in battle…but only on the front lines. If they survived, they could be granted citizenship. Genghis Khan’s own elite Mongolian warriors stayed farther back.
• Genghis Khan was known to give his soldiers uniforms that had armor only on the front, so that if they retreated, they’d be vulnerable. Result: an army that never retreated.
• Genghis Khan invented the concept of “diplomatic immunity.” “Kings do not kill envoys,” he said. But he didn’t mind when his generals held a victory banquet on a wooden platform…slowly crushing to death the six enemy princes they had put underneath.
• He create
d a code of laws, a post office, and a network of toll roads throughout his empire. The highways were guarded by a police force, and messengers could cover 250 miles in a day.
• In the Mongol Empire, doctors, lawyers, and priests were exempt from paying taxes. Also tax-exempt: people who washed dead bodies.
• He was “green,” declaring that hunting season be in the winter only so that elk herds would have time to replenish.
* * *
CANNED
“Irish airline Ryanair has sacked two of its workers who sat in an overcrowded plane’s toilets for a flight from Spain because there were no other seats. The captain of the packed flight from Girona, near Barcelona, to Dublin resigned after he gave the two cabin crew permission. ‘This is the first such incident of staff travelling on an already full aircraft in the 20-year history of Ryanair,’ the company said in a statement.”
—Reuters, 2004
Busy body: The human liver performs more than 500 functions.
CANADA’S MÉTIS PEOPLE
Canadians—you most likely already know this story. Americans—here’s some fascinating information about your neighbors to the north.
BACKGROUND
The Canadian government officially recognizes three distinct groups of aboriginal peoples: the Inuit of the Arctic north; the First Nations peoples (comprising the Cree, Ojibwe, Blackfoot, Tlingit, and more than 600 other nations); and the Métis—unique as an officially recognized aboriginal group in that it is mixed-race.
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