“The place was about as cozy as an abandoned mine shaft.”
“You start with trouble, and it never stops. It’s like offering to buy aspirin for a two-headed boy.”
“I tried to follow the conversation, but it was like trying to put a smoke ring in your pocket.”
“My head must have looked like a jackpot—everyone in town was hitting it.”
“He was draped over the curb like a tired carpet. And if his suit was a brighter yellow, he could have passed for a loading zone.”
“She was kind of pretty, except you could see somebody had used her badly, like a dictionary in a stupid family.”
In 1999 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone became the first children’s book to top the New York Times bestsellers list since Charlotte’s Web in 1952.
OOPS!
After 25 years, we know a good blunder when we see one.
SELF-ENTRAPMENT
Fed up with drivers speeding down his road, Henrik Ismarker of Stockholm, Sweden, logged on to the police department’s Twitter account in 2012 and asked them to start cracking down on speeders. An officer thanked Ismarker for his concern and agreed to set up a speed trap. The next day, Ismarker was driving home and realized just how easy it was to speed on his road—he was pulled over for going more than 10 mph over the limit. Facing a fine of 2,400 kronors ($358), Ismarker told the local news that it was “embarrassing, stupid, and a good lesson,” but then added that he was “very satisfied with the police response.”
SORRY, HARLEY
In northern California in 2012, a 19-year-old Toyota Prius driver found himself driving behind several Hells Angels riding Harley-Davidsons. The excited teen grabbed his video camera and started filming, but didn’t realize how close he was—until he accidentally bumped one of the bikers, who then careened into another biker, sending both of them to the pavement. When paramedics arrived at the scene, they treated the two Hells Angels for minor injuries…and the Prius driver for several punches to the face.
HOP TO IT!
Billing itself as the “world’s leading security company,” the firm G4S is hired by police departments to install electronic tags on criminals who are under house arrest. In 2012 two G4S techs showed up at the home of Christopher Lowcock, 29, of Rochdale, England, who was on a court-imposed curfew for drug and weapons charges. They installed a tag on Lowcock’s leg and then left. Shortly afterward, Lowcock left, too. How? He simply removed his prosthetic leg—with the security tag still secured to it—and hobbled out of the house. He was later pulled over for a driving offense (with only one leg). G4S fired the two techs.
YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS
Sometimes the easiest way to remember something is to come up with a memory trick (or mnemonic device), just as school kids have been doing for ages.
SCIENCE
Three segments of an insect’s body: Picture a bug wearing a hat—head, abdomen, thorax.
Biological groupings: Kind pigs care only for good slop. (kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species)
Types of camels: Bactrian (two humps), with a back that looks like a B turned on its side. The one-humped dromedary’s back looks like a D.
8 Planets in Earth’s Solar System (from the closest to the farthest from the Sun): Many very evil Martians just showed up naked. (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune)
GEOGRAPHY
World’s longest rivers: Just say nay! (Nile, Amazon, Yangtze)
The world’s largest deserts: Deserts make me sag (Sahara, Arabian, Gobi)
The 7 Continents: Eat an aspirin after a nasty sandwich. (Europe, Antarctica, Asia, Africa, Australia, North America, South America)
MATHEMATICS
Formula for calculating distance: DiRT
Distance=rate x time
First 15 digits of the mathematical constant pi (using the number of letters in each word): “Now I need a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics.” (3.14159265358979)
MISCELLANEOUS
Traditional diet for treating diarrhea: BRAT (bananas, rice, apples, toast)
The 7 Cardinal Virtues: Can having pet camels tame daft kids? (charity, humility, patience, chastity, temperance, diligence, kindness)
It would take four minutes of kissing to burn off the calories in a Hershey’s Kiss.
The 7 Deadly Sins: Even good people sin when given lattes. (envy, greed, pride, sloth, wrath, gluttony, lust)
Army ranks: Privates can’t salute without learning correct military command grades. (private, corporal, sergeant, warrant officer, lieutenant, captain, major, colonel, general)
Ranks of British Peerage, from highest to lowest: Do monkeys ever visit Britain? (duke, marquis, earl, viscount, baron)
Directions of the compass, clockwise: Never Eat Shredded Wheat (North, East, South, West)
Guitar strings, from thin to thick: Elephants and donkeys grow big ears. (E, A, D, G, B, E)
Four heads on Mt. Rushmore, in order: We Just Like Rushmore. (Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt)
Colors of the rainbow: Roy G. Biv (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet)
NO-MONICS
(Things you’ll probably never need to know)
North-to-south order of the streets in Seattle’s downtown business district: Jesus Christ made Seattle under protest (Jefferson, James, Cherry, Columbia, Marion, Madison, Spring, Seneca, University, Union, Pike, Pine)
5 Known Dwarf Planets in Earth’s Solar System: Pluto can’t make me eat his cereal. (Pluto, Ceres, Makemake, Eris, Haumea)
Eight common law felonies: Mrs. Baker (murder, rape, sodomy, burglary, arson, kidnapping, escape, robbery)
Date and time Prohibition ended in Finland: 543210 (5th of April, 1932, 10 AM)
The Mohs scale of mineral hardness, from softest to hardest: Toronto girls can flirt and only quit to chase dwarves. (talc, gypsum, calcite, fluorite, apatite, ortho-clase, quartz, topaz, corundum, diamond)
Orders of color on a TV test pattern: When You Catch German Measles Remain Between Blankets. (white, yellow, cyan, green, magenta, red, blue, black)
James Madison and Thomas Jefferson were once arrested for taking a carriage ride on a Sunday.
IRONIC, ISN’T IT?
There’s nothing like a good dose of irony to put the problems of day-to-day life into proper perspective.
EAU DE IRONY
In 2011 the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation released a line of perfume with the proceeds going to fight breast cancer. Another foundation, the Breast Cancer Awareness Group, had the perfume tested and discovered—surprise!—that it contained ingredients shown to have a link to breast cancer. A Komen for the Cure representative insisted to reporters that their perfume had indeed been safety tested…but they would “reformulate” the next batch (just to be sure).
D.U.I-RONIC
Damien Bittar had been 21 years old for only 90 minutes when his drunken joyride in Eugene, Oregon, came to an abrupt end: He crashed into Serenity Lane, an alcohol rehabilitation center.
CLOGGED IRONIES
In 2011 a man suffered a massive heart attack after eating the Triple Bypass Burger at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas. After the man was taken to the hospital (he survived), restaurant owner “Doctor” Jon Basso told the local news, “I actually felt horrible for the gentleman because the tourists were taking photos of him as if it were some type of stunt. Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that.”
NAME THAT IRONY
• The legendary racehorse Man o’ War won every race he ever ran—except one. A rival horse beat the champion thoroughbred on August 13, 1919. The winning horse’s name: Upset.
• For a home game in April 2012, an Orlando, Florida, arena-football team held a promotion in support of National Child Abuse Prevention Month. The name of the team: the Predators.
• What’s so ironic about Patrick J. Sullivan spending a night in jail? It was t
he Patrick J. Sullivan Detention Center—named in his honor 10 years earlier, in 2002. Sullivan, a retired police officer who was once Colorado’s “Sheriff of the Year,” got an inside look at his namesake after he was arrested for possession of methamphetamine and solicitation of a prostitute.
Confused? The inside of a down sleeping bag is called “baffling.”
A TASTE OF THEIR OWN IRONY
• In 2010 a debt collector from Reliant Financial Associates phoned Diana Mey of Wheeling, West Virginia, to tell her she’d lose her home if she didn’t pay off an old loan. Mey didn’t have any outstanding debt, but Reliant kept harassing her, so she sued them…and won $10 million. So far, though, Mey has been unable to collect. The matter’s been handed over to a collection agency.
• The Pirate Bay, a Swedish website that distributes illegal copies of music, books, and movies, warned its users not to be fooled by a copycat company—also called The Pirate Bay—that does the same thing.
ALL THE IRONY THAT’S FIT TO PRINT
In June 2012, Mitt Romney held a fund-raiser at the Washington, D.C., Newseum, a museum that celebrates “freedom of the press.” After a short speech, the Republican presidential candidate sat down for a roundtable discussion with prominent business leaders, prior to which all reporters were escorted out of the building.
SELF-INFLICTED IRONY
While hitchhiking in Montana, a writer named Ray Dolin told police he’d been shot in the arm by a man in a red pickup truck. When that lead didn’t pan out, the cops got suspicious and questioned Dolin, who finally confessed that he’d shot himself. Why? To “drum up some publicity” for his new book, Kindness in America.
* * *
SIGN IN AN OLD RESTAURANT
We go to work
To earn the dough
To buy the bread
To gain the strength
To go to work.
The temperature of the lit end of a cigarette when the smoker is inhaling: 1,292°F.
SEND IN FOR IT!
When you were a kid, did you ever send in for one of these cheap toys, tricks, or joke items from the back of a comic book? (Uncle John did.)
BACKGROUND
In the late 19th and early 20th centuries, millions of Americans did a lot of their shopping through catalogs. One of the most famous was the 600-page Johnson Smith Catalog, established in 1914, which sold novelties, toys, and gag gifts. Among the offerings: rubber chickens, joy buzzers, and ventriloquist dummies. Johnson Smith made millions (and still does), remarkable in that most of its items cost less than a dollar and are marketed to children.
In the late 1930s, Johnson Smith began advertising in the back of comic books, where ad space was cheap. Since then, kids have sent away to them and to dozens of similar companies for such novelty items like glasses that let the wearer see through walls, and powder that could make an entire room full of people break into fits of uncontrollable sneezing. The possibility of pulling off pranks has enchanted generations of children, who crave a bit of control, even if the items sounded a little too good to be true. Here’s a look at some of the merchandise sold by Johnson Smith, the S.S. Adams Company, and other companies that kids could own in exchange for a few coins and a reply coupon.
VENTRILO VOICE THROWER (25¢)
Pitch: “Throw your voice into trunks, behind doors, everywhere. Fool teacher, friends and family.”
Reality: This low-rent ventriloquism aid from the 1950s was two half-inch pieces of metal held together with a ribbon. You were supposed to hold it in your mouth and breathe, making the metal chunks vibrate, which was supposed to mimic the sound of someone trapped inside an enclosed space. But unfortunately it didn’t sound like the voice was coming from anywhere but your own mouth, and the device inhibited you from speaking actual words.
Over 1,000 elephants helped haul building materials to the Taj Mahal (in India, not Vegas).
HYPNO-COIN ($1)
Pitch: “With the magic power of hypnosis you can hypnotize at a glance, make people obey your commands, strengthen your memory, develop a strong personality, overcome bad habits.”
Reality: The “coin” was a plastic disc with a 3D-effect, black-and-white pinwheel design on it. When the coin was wobbled, the pattern swirled, which was supposed to mesmerize the subject. Though sold in the 1960s, it came with a 1935 pamphlet called “25 Lessons in Hypnotism” that offered tips on stage hypnotism.
X-RAY SPEX ($1.25)
Pitch: “See through fingers, see yolk of egg, see lead in pencil.”
Reality: Plastic eyeglass frames lined with two layers of cardboard. In between the layers were bird feathers, which diffracted light and created the illusion of two separate images of the same thing. Where the images overlapped was a dark area, which was supposed to be the “X-ray” of bones, egg yolk, pencil lead, etc. X-Ray Spex first appeared in comic books in the mid-1960s. Variations: Aqua-Spex (same as X-Ray Spex, but with adjustable tinting, based on available underwater light), and Hypno-Spex (with the same swirly surface as the Hypno-Coin). The whole line of spex was invented by mail-order kingpin Harold von Braunhut, who also devised Sea Monkeys.
U-CONTROL LIFE-SIZE GHOST (95¢)
Pitch: “Soars 30 to 40 feet or more in air. You control in secret. Conceal in pocket, ready to operate. Rises, falls, floats, dances. Spooky effects.”
Reality: Kids in the early 1950s who ordered it got a thin white balloon for the head, a billowy white garbage bag for the body, and a spool of transparent fishing line, to “control” it. Contrary to the ghost’s spooky face in the ad, the balloon came decorated with the face of Casper the Friendly Ghost…not exactly terrifying (and not exactly a legal use of the image).
GENUINE SOIL FROM DRACULA’S CASTLE ($19.95)
Pitch: “From the gold-plated chain is suspended a transparent miniature coffin containing one gram of genuine earth from the exact place were Vlad (Dracula) once made macabre history. No mystic powers are claimed for this amulet.”
America’s first mosque was built in Cedar Rapids, Iowa (1934).
Reality: You’ve got to hand it to the marketers. There aren’t too many ways you can make a tiny plastic coffin filled with dirt—and that’s exactly what this was—exciting. And it came with a “Certificate of Authenticity” guaranteeing that the dirt really was from Transylvania. Offered in the late 1970s, the thimble-sized dirt holders were sold by Warren Publishing, the same company that owned the magazines Creepy, Eerie, and Famous Monsters of Filmland.
THE MONEY MAKER ($1.25)
Pitch: “Put in a blank piece of paper, turn the knob…out comes a REAL dollar bill! You can spend it!”
Reality: A lot of mid-1960s kids probably thought this was their ticket to neverending wealth…until they realized that they had to secretly stock a compartment in the Money Maker with their own real currency, which is what the blank paper “transformed” into.
SECRET AGENT SPY CAMERA ($1)
Pitch: “Easily concealed in the palm of your hand. Takes secret or surprise pictures as well as regular candid shots.”
Reality: It was, in fact, a tiny working camera…except that these were notorious for leaking light and ruining pictures. And it took special film, which was next to impossible to purchase other than from the back of a comic book (cost for six 10-exposure rolls: $1), let alone find a late-1950s photo lab that would develop it.
SNEEZING POWDER (25¢)
Pitch: “Place a little of this powder on your hand, blow into the air, step back, and watch the fun begin. Everyone in the room will begin to sneeze without knowing why.”
Reality: When it was first marketed by novelty maker S.S. Adams at the turn of the 20th century, the active ingredient was dianisidine, used as a chemical weapon in World War I and banned by the FDA in 1939. At some point, it became cheaper—and safer—to use black pepper, which is what it was when it appeared in comic books in the 1950s. But it could make people sneeze, if you got close enough to blow it into their faces.
The beam fro
m the Texas Petawatt laser is brighter than the surface of the sun.
OUR LADY OF THE LITTLE GREEN MEN
If mainstream religions leave you cold, why not spice things up by throwing a few UFOs into the mix? Here’s a look at some “religions” that draw inspiration from extraterrestrials.
THE SEEKERS
Close Encounter: In the early 1950s, a suburban Chicago housewife named Dorothy Martin began receiving “mental messages” from what she said were extraterrestrial guardians from a planet called Clarion. She attracted a little band of followers and formed them into one of the earliest UFO cults, which she called “The Seekers.” The aliens reportedly told her that they’d discovered unstable fault lines in the Earth’s crust while observing the planet from their flying saucers. The faults were going to rupture before dawn on December 21, 1954, and cause floods that would destroy much of North America. The good news: Just before midnight, a UFO would take Martin and the Seekers to safety on planet Clarion.
What Happened: On Martin’s orders, Seekers quit their jobs and gave away their money and belongings in anticipation of a new life on Clarion. Some even divorced their spouses. About 20 Seekers gathered at Martin’s house on December 20 to await the UFO. Midnight came…and went…and no spaceship arrived. The terrified Seekers huddled together until 4:45 a.m., when Martin claimed to receive another message from the aliens. More good news! The “God of Earth” was so impressed by the Seekers’ devotion that he’d decided to spare North America. The crisis averted, the alien rescue saucer had returned to Clarion without picking up the Seekers.
Aftermath: Martin fled Chicago to avoid being sent to a mental hospital. She lived in Peru from 1954 to 1961, then returned to the U.S. Now calling herself “Sister Thedra” and leading a group called the Association of Sananda and Samat Kumara, she continued to relay messages from space aliens until her death in 1992. The Association of Sananda and Samat Kumara, headquartered in Sedona, Arizona, is still active.
Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader) Page 40