‘‘Jacob said long ago that only God could fill that emptiness,’’ Helaina said, growing thoughtful. ‘‘I never believed him, but the last few days I’ve had a great deal of time to think. Emma won’t let me do anything but rest, and I find I’m not very good at sitting idle.’’ She smiled. ‘‘I think it has mostly to do with the fact that I don’t like myself very much, and when I’m alone and quiet, I only have myself for company.’’
Leah couldn’t help but smile to see Helaina bare her soul and seek help as she reached out to God.
‘‘I want the kind of faith you have, Leah. I want to know how to have the kind of trust in God that you have. The kind of trust that can love Him and believe in Him even after being mistreated as you’ve been by Chase. I want to know how you go on believing, even when you might be carrying the child of your rapist.’’
Chapter Twenty-two
Leah looked at Helaina. ‘‘The Bible says that God sent His Son Jesus for all—that none should perish. Jesus died on the cross to be a supreme sacrifice for the sins of men—to give us a means of returning to the Father. When we admit our sins and ask God to forgive them, He does. He sees us not in our sinful nature, but through the blood of Jesus and gives us everlasting life.’’
‘‘And then we’ll be perfect?’’
Leah shook her head. ‘‘I wish I could say that were true. I was just asking God to forgive me for the way I’ve felt toward you.’’
‘‘Me? Why me?’’
Leah got up and stood behind her chair. Gripping the back, she tried to measure her words carefully. ‘‘Helaina, my life seemed fairly well ordered until you entered it. It seemed you put a completely new set of complications to our existence in Last Chance, and frankly, I resented the intrusion. But I really resent and worry about the way you use my brother to try and get what you want.’’
‘‘I have been wrong about that,’’ Helaina admitted. ‘‘It’s just that . . . well . . . I’m so confused. I’ve always been, as you said earlier, confident and capable. All of a sudden I feel that I’m no good for any purpose. I hate the thought of people being disappointed in me.’’
‘‘I can understand. I just fear that Jacob will get hurt in all of this. But we can discuss that another time. I don’t want to deny you your desire to come to peace in the Lord. I can tell you that my belief in who God is and what He’s already done for me is all that has gotten me through these bad times. I’ve been very angry, however, with everyone—God included—for the things that happened. It’s hard not to blame someone for what happened, when I feel so clearly that I did nothing wrong. I see no other choice I could have made . . . but then I remember I could have exposed Chase from the beginning. I could have said something to the people here, but I feared for their lives.’’
‘‘So you sacrificed your own life because of your love for them. I think that’s admirable.’’
Leah looked at the wall past Helaina. ‘‘Sometimes there are no clear answers. What happened with Chase is done. I can only pray now that Jayce is not hurt or killed as he pursues his brother.’’
‘‘And I’m definitely to blame for that,’’ Helaina admitted. ‘‘I’m sorry, Leah. I’m starting to see all of this with new eyes. Like I said, your brother has given me much to think about.’’
Leah extended her hand. ‘‘Helaina, forgive me. I’ve wronged you by holding bad thoughts against you.’’
Helaina took hold of Leah’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘‘I’ve always known about justice—about seeing the law observed—but now I need mercy. I do forgive you, Leah, and I hope you will forgive me in turn.’’
Leah smiled. ‘‘I do. And now all you need to do is ask the same of God.’’
Jayce wearily drove the sled the remaining few miles to Last Chance. He felt an overwhelming sensation of guilt upon first viewing Leah’s house. How would he face her? What would he say? He wanted to make up for the evil Chase had done but knew there was no way. He couldn’t take away what had happened, and he couldn’t erase her memory.
‘‘Jayce!’’ Jacob saw him first and came running. He looked at the nearly empty sled basket. ‘‘No luck finding your brother, eh?’’
‘‘I found him. He’s dead.’’
Jacob’s face contorted. ‘‘Did you have to . . .’’ The words trailed off.
‘‘No. A bear attacked him. Might have been Leah’s wounded bear. It cut him up pretty bad. When I found him he was half frozen and nearly dead.’’
‘‘Were you able to talk?’’
‘‘A little.’’ Jayce drew a heavy breath and closed his eyes. ‘‘Enough.’’
Jacob put his hand to Jayce’s shoulder. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’
‘‘Where’s Leah?’’
Jacob shook his head. ‘‘I don’t know. I just got back myself. I’m only here for a short time, then I’m heading out again. I need to get back to camp before I lose all the light. I’m just here to bring in a caribou kill.’’
Jayce looked to the house again. ‘‘I guess I’ll start there.’’
‘‘You go ahead. I’ll take your dogs. John’s back there helping unload the caribou. We’ll get the dogs fed and put away.’’
‘‘Thanks. That would be great.’’
‘‘I’ll be over directly with some fresh meat. You might let Leah know. Oh, and if she’s not home, she might be visiting Ayoona or Emma.’’
He nodded. ‘‘I’ll check it out.’’
Jayce stomped the snow from his boots as he made his way down the stairs to the door. He prayed silently for guidance, then went inside. He heard voices in the kitchen and pulled back the heavy fur. ‘‘Leah?’’
He saw her startled look. She seemed immediately fearful, then calmed. ‘‘Jayce?’’
He gave her a slight smile. ‘‘It’s me.’’ He raised the errant hair that fell across his left brow. ‘‘See, no scar.’’
She appeared to relax. ‘‘I’m so glad you’re home.’’ She moved to him as if she knew it was expected.
He held out his hands. ‘‘Don’t come too close. I smell pretty bad.’’
She smiled. ‘‘This time of year most everything does.’’
‘‘So what about your brother? Where’s Chase?’’ Helaina asked, getting to her feet. ‘‘Did you find him? Is he here?’’
Jayce looked at the woman who had caused him so many problems. ‘‘He’s dead.’’
‘‘Dead?’’ the women questioned in unison.
Jayce looked first to Leah and repeated. ‘‘He’s dead. I buried him myself.’’
‘‘But how? Did you kill him?’’ Helaina questioned.
Jayce turned back to her. ‘‘No. He was attacked by a bear.’’
‘‘A bear,’’ Leah murmured. ‘‘Probably the one I wounded.’’ She went to the chair and sat down rather hard. ‘‘It’s all my fault. I should never have left him without a gun.’’
‘‘That’s not true,’’ Jayce said, coming to the table. He halted, remembering that he didn’t want to frighten her. ‘‘If he’d had a gun, he would have come after you.’’
Helaina came to his side. ‘‘Tell me everything. I want to know the details. I’ll need to let Stanley know in Washington.’’
‘‘There isn’t that much to tell, Mrs. Beecham. I found him on the trail; he was nearly dead already. He’d bled a great deal. I managed to set up a tent and unthaw him a bit, but the wounds were too serious. As he warmed up, the bleeding started in earnest. He regained consciousness for a time, then died.’’
‘‘What was the date?’’
‘‘What’s today’s date?’’
‘‘December tenth,’’ she said matter-of-factly.
‘‘Then I suppose the best I can figure is . . . the twenty-fifth of November.’’
‘‘I’m so sorry, Jayce.’’ Leah stared at the table wide-eyed. ‘‘It’s my fault he’s dead.’’
‘‘No, it’s not, Leah. You can’t go blaming yourself over this.’’
‘‘
But if I’d tied him up and taken him with us, he’d be safe. If I’d just done what Helaina wanted me to do in the first place—he wouldn’t be dead.’’ She buried her face in her hands.
Jayce put his hand on her shoulder. He hoped she wouldn’t jump or refuse his touch. ‘‘Leah, you did the right thing. Chase was too strong and too cunning. If you’d have taken him with you, he would have found a way to escape your hold, and then he probably would have killed you both.’’
‘‘I just wanted to get away—needed to get away.’’
‘‘And you were right to do so.’’
‘‘Yes, you were,’’ Helaina offered.
Leah looked up and met her eyes. ‘‘What?’’
‘‘You heard me. It was the right thing to leave him behind. I know I’ve said otherwise before now, but I feel differently. In thinking about the situation and what Chase was capable of, I think you had to do exactly as you did.’’
Helaina looked to Jayce. ‘‘Thank you for letting me know what happened. I’ll go write it up for my brother. Leah, thank you for praying with me. I know it will make things better.’’
‘‘But not perfect,’’ Leah said softly.
Helaina smiled. ‘‘No, not perfect.’’
Once Helaina was gone, Jayce knelt beside Leah’s chair. He hoped his position would make her feel less threatened. ‘‘You should know your brother is back for a short time. He’s had a successful caribou hunt but plans to head out before nightfall.’’
Leah looked at him intently. ‘‘Thank you for letting me know. It will be good to have fresh meat.’’
‘‘I thought so too.’’ He gave her a hint of smile.
‘‘Jayce,’’ she said seriously, ‘‘I’m sorry for what you had to go through.’’
‘‘I’m sorry for what you had to go through. My struggles don’t compare to yours.’’
She looked at him oddly, then shook her head. ‘‘You know . . . don’t you?’’
‘‘Yes.’’ His voice was barely audible. He felt his words stick in his throat. What should he say? How could he tell her that it didn’t matter to him—that Chase couldn’t hurt her anymore?
Leah looked at her hands as she twisted them together. ‘‘I’ve worried about how to tell you, and you already know.’’
‘‘Chase told me.’’
Her head snapped around. ‘‘He told you?’’
He heard the disbelief in her voice. ‘‘Yes. He was dying. I was talking about God, encouraging him to ask forgiveness. Chase asked me if I could forgive him, and I told him that while difficult, I wanted to try. He challenged that I wouldn’t want to try once I knew the truth.’’
‘‘Then what happened?’’ Leah asked, her eyes wide.
‘‘He told me he had forced himself on you.’’ Tears welled in Jayce’s eyes. ‘‘I’m so sorry, Leah. I’m sorry for the pain he caused you—for the torment. I don’t know how to say the things I want to say, but please know it doesn’t change my heart for you. I’m so afraid that it will change your love for me.’’
She held his gaze, confusion racing in her expression. ‘‘I felt ruined, but God has tried to tell me I’m not ruined.’’
‘‘You aren’t ruined. You are my wife and I love you. Nothing will change that.’’
Leah shook her head. ‘‘There’s something that might.’’
‘‘No. There’s nothing. I will always love you. We will forget about Chase and build a new life together. We are just getting started. We can go anywhere and do anything you like. We can live wherever you want to live and—’’ ‘‘I’m pregnant.’’
He looked at her in stunned wonder. ‘‘A baby? Leah, that’s wonderful.’’ He could see she was frowning. ‘‘Isn’t it?’’
‘‘Jayce . . . I . . .’’ She swallowed hard and he could see this was taking all of her strength. ‘‘I don’t know who the father is.’’
And then the realization of what she was saying dawned on him. ‘‘You don’t know . . . because of Chase?’’
She nodded, her gaze never leaving his face. ‘‘I have no way of knowing.’’
‘‘Leah? Jayce?’’ It was Jacob.
‘‘In the kitchen,’’ Leah called.
‘‘Does he know?’’ Jayce asked, quickly getting to his feet.
‘‘Not everything—not about the baby,’’ she managed before Jacob entered the room with a chunk of caribou meat.
‘‘I’ve brought you your steaks, Leah. You’ll just have to cut them up yourself.’’
Leah got up from the table and went to get a baking sheet. ‘‘Here, let’s set it on the table.’’ She put the pan down first and Jacob put the meat atop it.
‘‘I’m not staying long. I plan to eat and get back to camp.’’
‘‘Will you eat with us?’’ Leah asked. ‘‘I can get some of this meat frying up in just minutes.’’ She went to the stove and added driftwood.
‘‘That was my plan, unless Jayce minds. I know you two probably have a lot to talk about.’’
‘‘Stay,’’ Jayce said. ‘‘I wouldn’t want you out there begging a meal.’’ He smiled and added, ‘‘I need to clean up.’’
‘‘I’ll get you some hot water. You can go to the main room. No one will bother you there,’’ Leah said as she took a bowl down from the cabinet. She dipped out hot water from the reservoir until it filled the bowl. ‘‘There’s some soap in the chest by our bed.’’
‘‘Our bed?’’ Jayce asked.
‘‘Kimik made us a bed while we were gone,’’ she replied. She’d turned away so Jayce couldn’t see by her expression what she thought of this arrangement. ‘‘It’s a good bed—very comfortable. I think you’ll like it.’’
Jayce looked to Jacob and nodded. ‘‘I’m sure I will.’’
The dinner table was quiet as they sat down to have their lunch. The caribou steaks were thick and juicy, the canned peas Leah served with them seemed the perfect balance, and the sourdough bread tasted better than anything Jayce had had in a long time.
He couldn’t help but watch Leah from time to time. She was more beautiful than he’d even remembered. But even with this, in his mind he kept hearing Leah tell him that she was pregnant. That she didn’t know who the father was.
The baby could belong to Chase. The baby might be a result of that unholy, evil union forced upon his wife. How could he love and regard the child as his own in such a case?
On the other hand, the baby could be his.
‘‘I have no way of knowing,’’ Leah had told him, the resignation heavy in her voice.
No way of knowing. How could there be no way of knowing? Surely there was enough time between Jayce’s last night with his wife and Chase’s rape. Surely these things could be calculated and figured. He looked across the table to where Leah sat eating in silence.
I cannot voice my fears about this, he thought. She is already tortured enough. If I say anything it will only add to her misery—her burden. But, God, how can I bear this?
‘‘Will you be back in time for the Christmas festival?’’ Leah asked her brother.
‘‘I doubt it. Nutchuk has plans for us to get into the mountains. He’s heard there’s good trapping to be had there. I’m guessing we’ll be back in January. And I’ll leave for Nome soon after checking in here.’’
‘‘That’s good. Supplies are low. There’s plenty to eat, but things like molasses and sugar are completely gone. Oh, and canned milk too.’’
‘‘Make me a list. I’ll get whatever I can. Nome should be in pretty good shape given the load we brought in on the Homestead. Plus, we still have the things we put in storage.’’
‘‘I’ll ask around and see if there are any other items people need,’’ Leah replied before turning her attention back to the steak.
Jayce admired her calm. He wanted so much to comfort her— to hold her. He wondered if she’d ever let him hold her again. It pained him to think she might reject his physical touch.
They finished d
inner in relative silence. Jacob got up and threw Leah a smile. ‘‘Good grub, sis. I’ll be thinking of this nice warm meal for a long time. Jayce, I’ll see you in a month or so.’’ He pulled on his parka. ‘‘Oopick says we’re in for a bad winter. Be sure and tell her I said thanks again for the mukluks.’’ He glanced to his feet. ‘‘They’re sure warm.’’
‘‘We’ll remember you in our prayers.’’ Leah’s voice seemed hollow and sad.
‘‘And I’ll remember you.’’ Jacob answered Leah, but he looked at Jayce and gave him a slight nod. ‘‘God will get us through. We have to have faith.’’
Jayce nodded. Faith is all I have.
Chapter Twenty-three
The Christmas festival held great revelry for the community. The children were delighted to be part of the blanket-toss games and footraces, while the young hunters were honored for their first catches. Mothers and grandmothers had carefully preserved whatever animal their young had managed to track down and now presented it to the gathering as confirmation of the new hunter’s ability.
Leah found herself enjoying the native dancing. She watched as the men and women moved in rhythm to the beating of the skin drums. Everyone seemed to enjoy the stories told in the dances, even though they were usually the same stories told year after year. The older folks seemed to be particularly delighted by the abundance of food. Everyone would bring bite-sized portions in huge bowls, and servers would offer them throughout the evening. It was a great time of fun for all ages.
Perhaps the crowning joy of the entire evening was when Bjorn shared the Christmas story with his congregation and with the other villagers who chose not to attend his little church. Afterward gifts were handed out and shared throughout the community. The wealthier would bring in more substantial presents, sometimes offering large pieces of fur or clothing, while the poorer gave only the most meager offerings. It didn’t matter, however. No one belittled the poor. In this community they looked out for each other and took care to provide for those who could not provide for themselves. It was the way things were done from generation to generation. Leah loved that about the Inupiat people. They were good to each other. The elderly were cherished and revered, unlike in many white communities. Leah had heard horrible stories from Karen and her relatives in the States.
[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights Page 21