‘‘At what price?’’
‘‘I don’t know. I suppose he would have to come with me to New York and sample the life there.’’
Leah shook her head and got up. ‘‘Helaina, he knows what city life is all about. He hates it there. Would you, loving him as you do, cage him like that? He might be willing to try—he might in fact love you so much that he would leave Alaska. But I think that in time it would kill him, and if not that, it would destroy your love for each other. Could you live with that?’’
Helaina’s shoulders slumped forward. ‘‘No. I couldn’t hurt him that way.’’ She looked at Leah with tears in her eyes. ‘‘I suppose the right thing to do is just go home without telling him how I feel.’’
Leah’s heart nearly broke for the woman. She was truly in love with Jacob—apparently enough to let him live the life he needed to live. Leah had to admire that. She knew from the past that it wasn’t easy to let go of a dream—especially when that demanded you also let go of your heart.
Chapter Twenty-six
Jacob returned two days later. Helaina watched him from afar at first. She busied herself with Emma’s children and tried to pretend that it didn’t matter. Leave him alone, she warned herself. Don’t give him any reason to think you care as much as you do.
But when Saturday rolled around and the village joined together to celebrate the spring breakup, Helaina couldn’t avoid his company.
‘‘I haven’t seen much of you,’’ Jacob said as he came to stand beside her. Native dancers were just starting to perform.
‘‘I’ve been helping Emma with the children and packing. We leave in a few days, you know.’’
Jacob frowned. ‘‘Yes, I know. I wanted to talk to you about that. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking out on the trail. Isolation gives a man plenty of time to consider what’s important.’’
Helaina felt a band tighten around her chest. The last thing she wanted was for Jacob to declare his undying love or, worse yet, tell her that he’d changed his mind and was mistaken about his feelings.
‘‘Oh, look. There’s Leah. I didn’t think she’d be able to make it,’’ Helaina said. ‘‘Come on, let’s go help her.’’
Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but Helaina didn’t wait. She moved through the people seated on the ground and prayed that Leah would keep Jacob from further serious talk.
‘‘Leah, I’m so glad you were able to make it,’’ Helaina said, putting an arm around her. ‘‘Where’s Jayce?’’
‘‘He’s coming with the food. Jacob, maybe you could help him?’’
Jacob looked to Helaina and then Leah. ‘‘Sure.’’ He sounded disappointed, but Helaina said nothing.
After he’d gone, Helaina turned to Leah. ‘‘I think I’d better stay with you. It seems Jacob wants to talk seriously.’’
‘‘I wondered about that. He mentioned giving a lot of thought to his future,’’ Leah said, putting a hand to her back. ‘‘I’m so tired. I think it may have been a mistake to come.’’
‘‘Here. There are a few chairs over here. You should sit.’’ Helaina helped lead Leah to a chair. ‘‘Can I get you something to eat or drink?’’
‘‘No. I’m fine. I’m just tired. I can’t believe how big I am. I feel like I’ll explode at this point.’’ Leah pushed back a strand of wavy brown hair. ‘‘Ayoona assures me it will soon be over and I will be blessed beyond anything I could imagine.’’
‘‘She seems to be a wise old woman. I think you can trust her to be right. I still worry that you should have a doctor. I mean, what if something goes wrong?’’
‘‘The women of this village have been helping each other give birth for generations. There have only been a handful of stillbirths or babies dying during delivery since I’ve come here. I doubt that’s much different than where doctors are readily accessible.’’
‘‘Still, it’s frightening to think that you won’t have someone more knowledgeable.’’
Leah laughed. ‘‘Ayoona has helped to deliver over forty babies. Oopick has helped with at least half of those. I think I’m in good hands.’’
Helaina knew that it was reasonable to believe this. After all, many of the women in the States delivered their children at home with midwives.
The men returned with several bowls and a tray. Leah turned to Helaina and motioned. ‘‘Jayce has a tray I think you will be interested in.’’
‘‘Oh, and why is that?’’
‘‘I actually made some chocolate cake.’’
‘‘Truly? How did you manage it?’’ Helaina could almost taste the delicacy. Just last month at the birthday celebration she had mentioned craving chocolate cake.
‘‘I managed to hoard some cocoa, and Oopick brought me eggs from their trip up the beach. I wasn’t sure I had the energy for such a thing, but it came out quite well, if I do say so.’’ She grinned. ‘‘However, once it’s learned what’s under that dishcloth, you may not have a chance of getting a piece. I think you should go right now, if you want some, and grab a piece before they start to distribute it.’’
Helaina nodded. ‘‘I think I’ll do just that. I’ll bring you one too.’’
‘‘Oh, don’t. I’ve sampled enough while making it. I’ll yield my piece to someone else.’’
Jayce and Jacob were heading their way, so Helaina took the opportunity to make her way to the table via a different path. She knew Jacob was watching her, but she tried to ignore him. Instead, she went to the cake and took a piece. Leah had cut the dessert into very small pieces so that more people could have a taste. Helaina popped the morsel into her mouth and smiled. It was like a little piece of heaven. Oh, how she missed succulent meals and fancy desserts. She would make it a priority once she was back in New York to go to all the best restaurants.
Helaina tried hard to encourage herself in this manner. Whenever she was sad or worried about leaving, she reminded herself of something wonderful that she missed. Something that she could have in New York but not in Alaska.
Jacob tried two more times to talk to her privately as the celebration wore on, but Helaina managed the situation with great finesse. She knew it would only hurt them both if Jacob revealed his heart. As the party came to a close, Helaina volunteered to get the Kjellmann children home to bed—something Emma quickly took her up on.
‘‘You’re so good to me,’’ Emma told her. ‘‘I’m glad you’ll be traveling with us. I’m certain to need the help.’’
‘‘They’re dear children,’’ Helaina said, taking a sleeping Rachel from her mother’s arms. With Bryce and Nolan in tow, she hurried for the Kjellmann house and the refuge she would find there.
‘‘Please don’t follow me, Jacob.’’
‘‘What did you say?’’ Bryce asked with a yawn.
Helaina shook her head. ‘‘Never you mind. It’s not important.’’
‘‘I think Helaina’s avoiding me,’’ Jacob told his sister. Leah turned from the stove, where she worked on making breakfast for Jayce and Jacob.
‘‘She’s pretty busy right now. She leaves tomorrow.’’
‘‘Yes, I know. That’s why I’d hoped we might have time to talk.’’
‘‘Talk about what?’’
Jacob drew a deep breath and shook his head. ‘‘Apparently nothing.’’
Leah shrugged. ‘‘Well, this caribou sausage is just about done, and the biscuits are ready. Why don’t you call Jayce? He’s out back sharpening his axe.’’
Jacob did as she asked, but all the while his mind wandered. Apparently Helaina had no interest in talking to him about their situation. The only explanation for that was that she had considered his words and kiss, and she just didn’t feel the same way. After all, she was returning to New York. If she cared, she’d be making plans to stay.
‘‘Jacob!’’ Emma called from across the way. ‘‘The ship has come with my sister. Tell Leah!’’
Jacob looked past Emma to the harbor. Out in the water was a three-masted ves
sel that had also been fitted for steam. ‘‘I’ll let her know.’’
‘‘Come for supper. We’ll be making merry. It’ll be the last time we’ll all be together for a while.’’
Jacob thought of Helaina and knew it would be the last time he’d see her. ‘‘We’ll be there,’’ he said without enthusiasm.
Sigrid Johnsson blew in like a late season blizzard. Her spirit of excitement was nearly contagious as Helaina watched her flit from one room to another.
‘‘It’s a perfect house. I love what you’ve done with the rooms,’’ she declared to her sister.
Emma beamed. ‘‘Helaina has been good to help me make new curtains and rugs. I’m glad you like them.’’
Sigrid looked to Helaina and laughed. ‘‘Well, someone that pretty is bound to have marvelous taste.’’
Helaina didn’t know what to think of such praise. She smiled but couldn’t figure out what to say. Sigrid didn’t seem to mind, however. She continued talking at such a maddening pace that no one had a chance to interject a word.
‘‘Life in Minneapolis has grown so predictable and dull. It’s terrible when you come to hope for a summer cyclone just to have a little excitement. Oh, I hope you enjoy your stay there, but I’ll bet you’ll be ready to return home within two weeks. Last Chance seems like a marvelous place. I’m so excited about the children. How many are there? What are their ages?’’
She turned to inspect the kitchen, but even as Emma opened her mouth to explain, Sigrid went on. ‘‘Oh, you know Mama. She has sent me with plenty of supplies. Lots of preserves and lutefisk. I don’t know how many times I have to tell her I despise the latter.’’ She made a face, sticking out her tongue like a wayward child. ‘‘Then I got to thinking that the natives here eat far worse things than lutefisk. I’m sure they’ll enjoy it. Anyway, I’m glad Bjorn is arranging for all the crates and baggage. I know I should never have been able to bring it all up.’’
Helaina felt exhausted by the time Sigrid paused to draw breath and Emma managed to speak. ‘‘We’re having a special supper tonight. You’ll get to meet my dear friend Leah. She’s expecting a baby soon and she’s promised to help you in any way she can. Her brother, Jacob, will be here too. He’s the one I wrote to you about. I think you two will enjoy each other’s company.’’
Helaina looked at Emma as though she’d lost her mind. Realizing how she was responding she hurried to cover her mistake. ‘‘I just remembered that I promised to help Ayoona.’’ It was true enough. She’d promised to help the old woman look for early berries.
‘‘Oh, I wish you didn’t have to go,’’ Sigrid said. ‘‘I’d like to have more time with you both.’’
Helaina nodded. ‘‘I wouldn’t mind sticking around myself, but . . . well . . . duty calls.’’ She wasn’t sure what kind of explanation she’d offer if Sigrid asked what duty she was speaking of. But Sigrid quickly moved on with the conversation.
‘‘I would very much like to go on some of the hunts. Will the men allow me to come? I think it would be marvelous to go whaling. Do you suppose they would take me with them?’’
Helaina quickly slipped out of the house and made her way toward Ayoona’s. The thought of Jacob spending time with the vivacious and beautiful Sigrid was almost more than she could stomach. The girl was positively a chatterbox. Jacob would never fall for someone like that. Would he? She stopped midstep and stared at the Barringer-Kincaid house. Maybe she should allow Jacob to speak to her. Better yet, maybe she should just explain the situation. It was hardly fair to go off without a word. How honest would that be?
She thought about how hard it had been to come to the conclusion that she should leave—leave without sharing her heart. How can I tell him how I feel and still be able to go? How can I hear him speak of love or worse . . . ask me to stay?
She twisted her hands. It just isn’t fair. Why should life be so difficult? Why can’t Alaska and New York be close together? Why couldn’t we just live in both places?
But Leah’s words came back to reaffirm Helaina’s choices. Jacob was miserable in the city. He hated the noise and the traffic. Helaina knew this firsthand. She had often seen him in Seattle in the gardens at the back of the house, trying to seek quiet and solace.
‘‘Are you all right?’’
She looked up to find Jacob watching her. He was leading two young dogs on leashes. ‘‘I’m fine. I . . . well . . . I was coming to see you.’’
‘‘Me? Why me?’’
‘‘I . . . uh . . . I know I haven’t been very good company. I know you’ve wanted to talk to me, but I’ve been so busy thinking about my trip home. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or caused you grief.’’
Jacob opened his mouth to speak, then seemed to reconsider. For a moment he just looked at her. ‘‘I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me. I just didn’t understand why you didn’t want to talk to me. I think I do now.’’
‘‘Truly?’’ She wondered what he meant.
‘‘Well, I know your mind is occupied with thoughts of this trip and no doubt seeing your brother again. I know you’ve wanted to explain everything to him. I’m sure you’re homesick, and you desire to be back where you belong.’’
Where I belong? I don’t know where I belong—except with you. She pushed the thought aside. She wanted so much to tell him the truth. ‘‘Jacob . . . I . . . well, you should know—’’ ‘‘I think I know what I need to,’’ he interrupted. His voice sounded gruff. ‘‘Look, I have a lot of work to do before supper tonight. Maybe we can talk more then.’’
Helaina nodded and Jacob took the dogs and left. She didn’t realize how she’d balled her fists in frustration until after he’d gone. Why can’t I just tell him how I feel and be done with it? Why can’t I let him know that I love him, but that I love him enough to leave him in Alaska?
Supper that night was misery for Helaina. She watched Sigrid captivate and amuse Jacob with her stories and suggestions for her summer activities. He seemed to think the woman quite amazing as she told tales of rescuing one of her students from a well and saving her young nephews from burning in a fire they accidentally set in the barn.
‘‘Children are amazing wonders,’’ Sigrid announced, ‘‘but they are dangerous and destructive too. Especially to themselves. They need a firm hand of guidance and an education as early as possible. And I’m not just talking books. Children need to know their place and to grow in that place. I’m always troubled by the people who hide their children away for nannies and governesses to raise.’’
Helaina knew many of those people. She had good friends who had children cared for by nurses. ‘‘I suppose,’’ she offered, ‘‘that their way of life dictates that they provide for their children and enjoy them whenever they can.’’
‘‘Hogwash,’’ Sigrid proclaimed, renouncing the idea. ‘‘It’s selfishness, pure and simple. If you’re too busy to be a mother or father to a child—then don’t have them.’’
That caught everyone’s attention, but Sigrid didn’t seem to mind. ‘‘I’m quite serious. You all look at me as though I’ve suggested we burn down the capitol building, but I assure you, I know what I’m talking about. I worked at a very prestigious school for girls just before coming here. Those young ladies were miserable. They’d spent an entire lifetime barely knowing who their parents were. They had a stronger bond to their nannies.’’
‘‘That doesn’t mean their parents don’t love them,’’ Helaina protested.
‘‘Perhaps not, but why then do their parents have no time for them? You see, I believe time spent together equals love. If you love someone, you want to be with them.’’ She smiled at Jacob, who surprisingly enough nodded in agreement. Helaina wanted to throw something.
‘‘It’s very easy,’’ Sigrid continued, ‘‘to say you love someone, then go about your merry way. Love requires a commitment. It requires sacrifice and sometimes a little bit of disorder in one’s life. If you cannot give it, you needn’t expect it in return.’’
Helaina felt as though the wind had been knocked from her. Sigrid seemed to be speaking right to her. It was as if she knew Helaina’s situation completely.
‘‘Well, I’ve always been glad for the time I spend with my children,’’ Emma threw in. ‘‘I know Leah will enjoy her time as well. After all, you’ve had to wait all these years to become a mother.’’
Leah nodded. ‘‘I can’t imagine waiting so long and then giving my child over to someone else to raise. After all, what could be more important than being there to love and nurture my own baby?’’
‘‘Exactly!’’ Sigrid declared enthusiastically. ‘‘Nothing is more important than future generations.’’
‘‘Speaking of future generations,’’ Jayce began, ‘‘what of the war in Europe? Have you read much on it—will America go to war?’’
Sigrid frowned. ‘‘I’ve avoided immersing myself in that sorry affair. There is much to concern ourselves with regarding the war. I feel that one way or another we will find our men dragged into this fight, but I certainly cannot approve it. It’s a waste of human lives.’’
‘‘Do you have specific news?’’
Sigrid shook her head. ‘‘None that I care to discuss at a joyous occasion such as this.’’ She smiled graciously. ‘‘I would much rather stay on positive topics.’’
Like nannies raising children? Helaina wondered. She toyed with her food and suddenly felt very frustrated. She used to be just like Sigrid. She thought nothing of stating her opinion and laying out her values for all to see and evaluate. Perhaps that was what irritated her most about Sigrid. It was the reminder of who Helaina had once been.
She glanced again at Jacob, who seemed to be captivated by Emma’s sister. And why not? The petite young woman was charming and beautiful. She was also well educated and loved to talk about the things she enjoyed. The conversation had now turned to a trip Sigrid had made to Sweden. She was telling of their relatives and the life they lived in various cities and towns.
‘‘Of course, our family is very close,’’ she said, looking to Emma, who nodded. ‘‘We have always been that way and always will be. Nothing will break our ties. We cherish family too much. That’s why I shall miss you all so much when you’ve gone away. I’ve hardly had time to get to know the children and you will leave tomorrow.’’
[Alaskan Quest 02] - Under the Northern Lights Page 25