by Ivory Quinn
He burst out laughing. “Now that you mention it, yes. I can see where you’re coming from. But you like it?”
“Yes, I do.” She ran her hands down the neat layers of leather corseting her body, liking the way the supple material felt beneath her finger tips. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever worn before.”
“Would you wear it again?” If she didn’t know better, she’d have thought he was holding his breath as he waited for the answer.
“Of course.” She turned to the side, noticing how it made the most of her small waist while letting the silk flare out over her hips. To make him smile, she rapped her knuckles on the leather. “I’d take this over Spanx any day.” She put on a cheesy advertisers voice. “Smoothing out those unwanted post Christmas pounds the warrior’s way...”
“You don’t have any extra pounds.” His brows drew down in a frown. “You’re perfect.”
“I’m glad you think so.” She blushed at the compliment, even as she sighed inwardly that he’d missed the joke. She held her hands out to him and he surged upright to envelop her in a hug.
“I’m glad you like it.” She could hear the amusement in his voice. “I was hoping you’d let me dress you like this for the concert. I got the silk in three different colours.”
“I’d like that.” She both loved and hated that he was so generous. It was hard not to be grateful and overwhelmed for the things he gave her, but she couldn’t silence the small voice in her mind that said she was getting far more out of the relationship than he was. Shaking it off, she thought about the concert. “I never got a mask.” She realised out loud and he chuckled.
“I did. It matches the belt, but you can’t have it yet. I want it to be a surprise.”
She snickered softly with laughter. “Gabriel, every day with you is a surprise.”
“Then I’m obviously doing it right.” He scooped her up and spun around the floor with her in time to the music as she laughed out loud.
They opened their presents over breakfast, laughing at each other’s antics. Noelle had made smoked salmon and scrambled eggs and Gabriel kept refusing to put his knife and fork down to open gifts. They were running so late that he had to rush through getting changed for them to make it to church in time for the morning service at eleven.
“You look beautiful today Miss Winters.” The pastor said kindly as they stepped out of the church after the service. “It’s wonderful to see two young people so clearly in love.”
She flushed crimson. “It’s still early days father.” She replied shyly. “We’ve only been dating a few weeks.”
“Sometimes it only takes a second.” He squeezed her shoulder. “Happy Christmas Miss Winters.”
“And to you.” She ducked her head shyly and felt Gabriel take her hand.
“Happy Christmas father.” They smiled at each other and then he led her away and home.
Chapter nine
They spent a quiet couple of days together, messing around but mostly just being comfortable in each other’s company. The father’s words played heavily on Noelle’s mind. Was she in love with Gabriel? It was hard to know. She felt so many things when she thought about him, but first and foremost was probably confusion. Her inarticulate shame at the things they did together warred with the sweetness of his nature outside the bedroom. She felt angry at herself for feeling shamed, but at the same time she couldn’t understand his attitude towards it. She was still conflicted over the conversation they’d had on Christmas Eve. How could he preach such morally subversive ideas and still consider himself a man of faith?
A couple of hours on the laptop, while he was in the music room rehearsing with his band a few days after Christmas, opened her up to the concept of cognitive dissonance...the absolute belief in two opposing premises. It was a fascinating idea and she spent a long time reading through case studies and theories about the psychology of it. It bothered her more than she’d care to admit that it was so common in instances of domestic abuse. For the first time she tried to look at their relationship in an analytical light. Was it wrong? For all the fear she felt at times in the play room, she left feeling grateful that he’d pushed her boundaries. She was learning things about herself that she’d never have known otherwise. The depths of her inner strength seemed to astonish her more every day. He hadn’t yet pushed her further than she was prepared to go.
And therein lay the bottomless pit of her fear. How far would she let him go? She had no idea where the line lay that she wasn’t prepared to step over. Two weeks ago she would have died of mortification if someone had told her what he was going to do to her on that table. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d enjoyed it. She still couldn’t even say it – the very thought made her cheeks flame and her insides squirm with something unnameable. Something, once experienced, can’t be ‘unexperienced’. Would she let him do something, thinking she was strong enough to take it, only to regret it afterwards when she felt she couldn’t live with the wildness of her actions? Her uncertainty was eating away at her soul and she didn’t know what to do about it.
The night before New Year’s Eve, they lay in bed talking. “You seem quiet.” He commented, stretching out in the sheets like a tiger, all long lines and dangerous grace. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know that I can do this.” She blurted out. The soft strains of Allegri’s Miserere haunted the air between them as Noelle laid her head on his stomach and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know where to draw the line...where this stops at domination and becomes abuse.”
“Isn’t one a causative agent of the other?” He lifted a strand of her hair and coiled it gently between his fingers. “Why draw a line when both are at play? It’s not the acts themselves; it’s the intent of the participants.”
“Define ‘intent’.” She closed her eyes and let the music wash over her.
“The only weapon we have against the destructive nature of who I am is honesty.” He admitted. “I’m honest in that I know what I do. I understand the darkness. I know why it makes me feel the way that it does. You are honest in that you are prepared to explore this with me, but that’s all it is to you. An exploration. I don’t know that you’re entirely honest in your reasons for wanting to explore it. I don’t know if you think you can fix me...if you think that throwing enough love at me will make me stop wanting to dominate you. In the end it comes down to the intent. As long as you continue to walk into this with your eyes wide open and be honest with both of us about where the boundaries of your submission lie, as long as you continue to want to explore, then it’s twisted and fucked up, but it’s okay.”
“I know I can’t fix you.” She caught the hand playing with her hair and held it to her heart. “I know you’re too damaged. I’m not even sure that I believe in redemption anymore.”
“So why do you do it?”
“Because part of me can’t let go of Christmas morning...can’t accept that somewhere inside you there’s gentleness and you just can’t bring yourself to use it.” She felt her eyes pricking with tears. “That was probably the most honest moment we’ve shared and I can’t bring myself to stop looking for it again.”
“What’s changed?” He asked softly. “It’s not Christmas morning...you only changed a few days ago.”
The fact that he could read her so well made it worse. “It was our discussion about God.” She admitted eventually. “I was trying to understand you. I was reading articles online and came across a load of stuff on cognitive dissonance. It scared me because a lot of it was in relation to domestic abuse. I suddenly realised that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.” She closed her eyes. “Gabriel, you say that for this to work I need to be honest about where the boundaries of my submission lie. The truth is that I don’t know. I never have known. I don’t even know how to judge what is and isn’t a boundary, let alone where they are. I’m flying in the dark here and I’m terrified.”
“Do you trust me?”
“That’s not the point.” She st
ruggled to find the words to make him understand. “I trust you. I just don’t trust myself. I didn’t know I had a propensity for submission. I’m questioning everything that passes between us because I don’t understand it.”
“Love is the greatest of mysteries.” He shrugged. “I don’t think anyone understands it. By its very nature it defies understanding.”
“How can this be love Gabriel?” She rolled over to look at him. “It’s only been a month.”
“I knew you were special the moment I laid eyes on you.” He gave her an easy smile. “What is love if it isn’t that special connection between two people? Besides, I thought we’d had a discussion on the issue of love just being a label?”
“Love is a concept of everlasting.” She frowned. “A spark between two people is chemistry...it’s lust. It’s here today and gone tomorrow, with nothing to show for it but scars.”
“You think I will scar you?” He seemed surprised.
“No.” She felt the first tears escaping. “I’m scared that I’ll want you to. I hate that I hope for gentleness, but I fear losing all hope.”
“Come here.” Strong hands pulled her up to lie on top of him in a steady embrace. “Why are you crying? Do I scare you that much?”
“I think I need to go home for a couple of days. Get my head together.” She snuffled. “I know I said you couldn’t break me, but every now and then I need to remind myself where the ground is.”
“You want to go home?” He felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs.
“Just for a day or two.” She smiled despite herself at the panic in his voice. “I’ll come back. I just need to think, without you overwhelming me with your intensity.” She propped her chin up on his chest. “Gabriel, don’t you think it’s weird that I’m practically living here after such a short time? Doesn’t this intensity strike you as being a little too much?”
“That’s not the word I’d use.” He frowned down at her. “Don’t you like being here?”
“I love being here. That’s part of the problem. Sometimes I look around and I feel like I’ve landed on another planet. Your lifestyle doesn’t bother me at all, but it’s a shift in perception for me. I have to keep reminding myself of things. It’s too easy to forget who and what I am here.”
“And what do you think you are?” There was something dangerous in his tone, but she didn’t pick up on it.
“I’m a slightly boring school teacher.” She shifted so her legs were tucked between his. “I’m a quiet little woman that wouldn’t say boo to a goose and whose previous sexual experiences could be recounted on the back of a postage stamp. You and I couldn’t be any more different.”
“There is nothing boring about you. Nothing.” He actually sounded angry and she pushed herself up to look at him clearly.
“Gabriel, I did nothing. I went to work, I came home, I ate, I marked homework and then I went to bed. Probably the most exciting thing I’ve done in the last year, apart from meeting you, was chaperoning the school dance. I’ve never had money to spare on frivolous things. I’d say that qualifies me as boring.”
“I will not allow you to speak about yourself like that.” He snapped and she blinked, pushing herself all the way off him.
“You won’t allow me?” She repeated incredulously. “You can’t tell me how to think and feel!”
He relaxed instantly. “Kitten, are we having an argument?”
“Don’t you ‘kitten’ me with that smirk all over your face!” She said hotly. “You do not get to announce something like that and then think it’s funny when I get angry!”
“I do if I’m your master, kitten.” His voice dropped low and seductive and she climbed off the bed in a fit of pique.
“You are not my master anywhere outside the play room!” She looked so cute standing there stark naked, waving her hands about as she told him off, that he almost couldn’t keep his laughter in check.
“Do you want to go to the play room?” He quirked an eye brow at her and she actually stamped her foot as his amusement sent her anger off the deep end.
“No I don’t! Why do you have to try and divert this with sex?” She gave an inarticulate shriek of irritation and headed for the cupboard.
“What are you doing?” He asked, trying not to laugh.
“I’m looking for pyjamas. I’m going to sleep on the couch.”
“No you’re not.” He said firmly, pushing himself off the bed and striding across to her. “You’re sleeping in here, with me.” He caught her around the waist and bodily carried her to the bed.
“You are such a caveman!” She shouted, struggling to get away from him. “Let me go!”
“Kitten, the more you struggle the more you’re turning me on.” He said drily, throwing her down onto the bed and climbing on top of her. “Settle down or I’m going to fuck you. Hard.”
“How is that any different from normal?” Her fists pounded the duvet in impotent rage. “Let me up damn it!” He caught her wrists and held them over her head as she twisted and struggled beneath him.
“Settle down kitten.” He warned once more.
“I will not settle down!” She was working herself up into a fine fury. Her face was pink and she thrashed beneath him, bodily throwing her weight around.
“You will settle down.” There was steel in his voice, steel and something else that slid across her senses like silk.
“Why should I?” She demanded stubbornly, just about wrenching her arm out of its socket.
“Because I want to taste you kitten. I want to spread your legs and run my tongue up and down your pussy until you’re mindless. I’m not going to do that while there’s a real danger of you kicking me in the head.”
“What if I don’t want you to taste me?” Her chin jutted out pugnaciously. “What if I just want to go and sleep on the goddamn couch?”
“You don’t want to feel my tongue flickering over your clit?” He asked softly, knowing he’d hit the mark when she gasped. Catching both her wrists on one hand, he slid the other down between them and cupped her sex, teasing it lightly with his fingers. “You don’t want me to put my fingers inside you?”
“No...?” It came out sounding like a question. Furious at herself for her weakness, she felt the tears returning and turned her head to the side when he leaned down to kiss her.
“Submit to me kitten.” He whispered.
“No.” She went slack, knowing that to fight him was futile.
“Submit to me.”
“No. Can’t you see? I’m losing myself. The longer I stay here, the more I become an extension of your lifestyle.”
He ran his tongue around the shell of her ear and then kissed the salted trail her tears had left on her cheeks. “If you were an extension of me, I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to bend you to my will.” He murmured between kisses. “Stop fighting me. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Don’t you?” She looked up at that, her eyes dark with sadness.
“Of course I don’t.” He kissed her forehead. “Open your legs for me.”
“No.” She shook her head slowly. “You were out of line Gabriel. I’m not going to reward it with sex. I’ll stay in the bed, but I’m just going to sleep.”
“It’s too late for that.” He shifted his body weight and forced his knee between her legs. “The more you defy me, the more I want you. It’ll save an awful lot of time and effort if you just give me what I want.”
“I’m tired.”
“We’ll be having a lie-in tomorrow morning anyway.” He reminded her. “The gig is tomorrow night.”
“Just let me go.” She gave another half-hearted attempt to move out from underneath him, but it just gave him the opportunity to move her legs further apart.
“Submit to me, kitten.” He said again, taking advantage of her mistake to slide his fingers inside her. Helplessly, her body bowed with pleasure and she gritted her teeth.
“Is it really so hard for you to say sorry?” She demanded,
frustrated beyond reason.
“I don’t see that I did anything wrong.” He shrugged, sending those beautiful muscles of his rippling beneath the surface of his skin. “Is it so bad that I want you to feel like an amazingly beautiful, precious and fascinating creature?”
“You tried to tell me how to feel!” She said, slightly unsure now that he’d rephrased it.
“I may have used the wrong words, but that was the sentiment.” He released her hands. “I can’t bear that you think of yourself as anything other than unique. You are a remarkable woman, Noelle Winters. You are certainly far more than the sum of your job and activities. How can I not be frustrated that you don’t see yourself like that?”
“You, sir, are a silver-tongued devil.” She said grouchily and he burst out laughing.
“Does that mean I can put my tongue where I want to?” He didn’t wait for an answer and, as he slid down her body, she didn’t fight him. Much.
Chapter ten
The following afternoon they had an early dinner. The band had all come over ahead of the gig and Noelle cooked a meal for them. They didn’t seem to know quite what to make of her and she caught more than one perplexed glance sent her way. Clearly she wasn’t Gabriel’s usual type. That or they knew about his proclivities and were wondering how far she’d gone. They were polite and friendly though, and it wasn’t long before they were all laughing raucously about gossip in the industry. Noelle almost swallowed her tongue when Jax, the guitarist, told an uproariously funny story about a well known teen popstar. She’d been caught in a hotel bathroom with a very confused concierge who, through thick beer goggles, might have been mistaken for another well known popstar. Gabriel was so unassuming about his work that she’d almost forgotten the glitzy side of his job and the celebrities he hung out with. He’d written songs for some of the biggest names in the business. It was a quiet reminder that she’d been right the night before; she needed some time at home to remind herself that this wasn’t her world.