by R. J. Lee
“Come here and sit,” he pats his leg.
I go and sit. I’m nervous. Cullen holds my hands and starts to play with my fingers.
“I got carried away in the shower, and I didn’t use a condom. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t think. I wanted you so bad that I just didn’t think. I’m clean, I promise, but that’s not the only worry here, you know? I promised you that you were safe with me and then I went and did this.”
I free my hands and take his face, brushing over his soft hair and letting the smell of his soap waft up and overrun my senses.
“Cullen, I’m cleaner than you can imagine and I’ve been on the pill since I was in high school. We’re fine, everything’s perfect. You felt amazing. And I’m kinda glad you got carried away. At least I’m not the only one going nuts over here,” I tug on a few strands of his chocolatey brown hair.
Cullen tilts his head and covers my lips with his, going in for a long, languid kiss. When he’s done fully savoring my mouth, he comes away with a smile.
“I just don’t want you to think that I’d purposely put you at any kind of risk.”
“I don’t. I trust you, and even if something did happen, I’m sure we could figure it out.”
“Oh yeah?”
“You know I’m crazy for you, Metz,” I kiss him again.
“I’m definitely crazy for you, 2 Color.”
That makes me smile. “So, what do you think two crazies like us should do today? I mean, most of the day is gone, but still.”
“You mean, instead of enjoying your body, napping, and doing it all over again?”
I laugh, “Well, I am having a hard time getting my fill of you, quite honestly, but…”
“It would be fun to do something together that we needed clothes for?” Cullen fills in.
“Right! Mix it up a little—variety and all that shit.”
“Ok, so what do you want to do?”
I tap my chin in mock thought. “Something active.” Cullen’s eyes twinkle. “Something else active,” I correct.
He relents, “Do you have a bike?”
“Yeah, in storage. Why? You wanna ride bikes?”
“Why not? We can get yours and put it in my truck, go pick up mine, and head over to the trails for a while.”
“That’s a great idea! I’ll put some waters and stuff together in a backpack.”
I stand up, excited for something to do that will get us outside together in fresh air, doing something unique and new.
“Um, Violet? One thing first,” he takes my hand.
“What’s that?”
“My pancakes wore off somewhere between the kitchen sink and the shower, so I’m starving. Do you want to get lunch before we start this little expedition?”
“Oh, you poor thing,” I coo, “of course we can get lunch. You’re going to need your energy and strength anyway, Hot Stuff. I might not be done with you.”
Cullen
Getting carried away in the shower has me on edge, but I hold her hand across the center console pretending that I’m not bothered. Sure, we’re both clean, I don’t doubt that. But there’s additional pressure with going unprotected—stuff we’re not ready for. Hell, I can’t even get Violet to open up to me about her past. What would she do if forced into a future? I know her husband was an asshole and I know she was miserable with him, but I don’t know what he specifically did to make her that way.
These secrets are eating away at me as we pull into the wetlands where I usually go on long runs. I guzzle water as if it will help quell the burning in my gut surrounding whatever it is she won’t tell me. I thought I would be able to wait it out like Renee said and let Violet tell me if and when she was ready. But this situation has made me restless and that’s making me impatient. Impatience is leading to doubt and, well, that isn’t going to turn out well for either of us.
I rub at the familiar, biting pain in my chest that I used to get when I didn’t have Violet around me all the time. The thought of losing her to secrets she won’t ever feel like she can reveal starts a series of aches through my ribcage, like I’m being ripped apart slowly.
“Hey, are you good?” Violet places a delicate hand over the thick forearm that I’m using to cover my sternum where it hurts the most.
She’s looking up at me with those big, round eyes all filled with concern and I nearly forget how I got riled up in the first place. If I spooned out my heart and handed it to her right now, how could I still not be perfectly content knowing I was in her care?
“Yeah, let’s ride some bikes,” I hold her chin softly and give her a gentle kiss. Some of the hurt relents.
SIXTEEN
Violet
We bike a few miles through Otter Pass Wetlands, enjoying the sounds and smells of nature. Sometimes we hear the croaking of bullfrogs around the small, algae-covered ponds and other times, it’s crickets and birds. We’re in the early evening hours since we spent most of our day either wrapped up in each other or, well, wrapped up in each other. It seems everything is coming out now to enjoy the cooler air of twilight.
Cullen pulls his bike off into the grass by a large pond. I stop alongside him, “What’s up, buttercup?”
He chuckles, “I thought we could hang out here for a minute.”
“Ok, cool. There’s a bench over there, or we could walk.”
“Let’s walk a bit.”
We park our bikes, and he takes my hand. A happy buzz runs through me at the tiny gesture; it’s another one of my favorites.
We walk along the edge of the pond as the sun hovers over the horizon splashing orange, pink, and purple onto the blue background of the sky. Leopard frogs splash into the water every few steps we take and dragonflies dance through the breeze.
I audibly sigh; Cullen squeezes my hand, “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, perfect actually. I’ve never had a better day.”
“Oh, sure you have.” He sounds disbelieving.
“Nope, I haven’t.”
Cullen stops and faces me. Something is bothering him. His expression is serious and his eyes search my face, “Your graduation?”
“No.”
“Starting your career at Vista?”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Getting mar—“
I rush to put my fingers over his lips and he stops, frowning.
“No, Cullen, don’t. This is perfect, just…please. Those things were moments. Things you could smile for in a picture and then go back to screaming on the inside without anyone knowing. Do you understand what I’m saying? This? Today and all the time we spend together?” I wrap my arms around him and resist collapsing onto his chest. Cullen pulls me in tight. “I’m not trying to claw my way out anymore.”
“I get it, I do. I just think we should talk about it.”
“We are, and I’m fine. This is good, really good. There really isn’t anything else to talk about.”
I’m lying through my teeth, and I’m praying that if Cullen can feel my racing heart, he thinks it’s because my adrenaline is still high from biking and not because I’m hiding buried secrets.
He makes a grunting sound. I’m not sure if it’s disbelief or acceptance of my answer.
He responds flatly, “It’s gonna get dark soon. We should get moving.”
Ok, it’s not acceptance.
“Cullen.”
I know he’s frustrated. I can feel it crackling around us. I pull back and look into his eyes, not even trying to stare at the ground. I need to give him something here.
“I got married because I thought I should. Anden was my first everything, understand? But my former life was shit, ok? Absolute shit. He made sure of it. I became the Queen of Pretending. I could have won an Oscar for my performance. Renee is the only one who knows the whole story; my family knows most of it. Then he died. I’m fine now. Ok? I promise I’m fine.”
Omissions aren’t really lies, right? And I’m mostly fine.
Cullen’s face softens and he almost lets it go. A
lmost.
“Pretending what?”
My shoulders slump, “That I was happy, normal, had a pulse… pick one.”
I frown and look down at where our shirts are creasing together.
He tilts up my chin and kisses me lightly, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Trusting me. Talking to me.”
“I like this thing we’ve got going here, Metz.”
“So do I. A lot.” He threads his fingers into the hair loose at my ears from my ponytail. “I’m gonna kiss you good now.”
“Ugh, finally!”
***
It’s dark by the time we get back to my townhouse. It was a mellow ride with quiet music and more handholding across the console. I feel relief that I let Cullen in a little bit more and that he has a slightly clearer picture of how I got here. From the look of contentment on his face right now, I know he is, too.
“What’s Charlotte doing here?”
“I hope everything’s ok. Here, hop out. I’ll get your bike out of the truck.”
I almost jump out before the truck stops and scramble up to my sister. “Is Hollyn ok? What’s wrong?”
“I could ask you that. She’s fine. Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
My phone! Shit! “I don’t have it with me. We went on a bike ride, and I forgot it. I’m so sorry. Is everyone else ok?”
“Yeah, they’re fine. Hey, Thor,” she waves as Cullen walks up. “It’s fine except Mom and Dad are flipping out.”
“Hey, Charlotte, what’s going on?” Cullen asks.
I automatically gravitate towards him the closer he gets, and he pulls me into his side.
Charlotte doesn’t miss any of it as she answers, “Nothing, I guess.”
“What’s wrong with Mom and Dad?”
“They haven’t talked to you in, like, forever. None of us have. When they couldn’t reach you, they called me. I tried, but failed. We all thought that maybe something awful happened or whatever, but I can see now you’ve been… just fine,” she smirks and folds her arms across her chest like some kind of badass. It’s really kind of funny. I roll my eyes.
“You’re so dramatic.”
“Maybe I should go,” Cullen comments but doesn’t really move.
“Come on, Cullen, I’ll get your bag from upstairs and go with you to your truck. You too, Charlotte. In,” I command.
I take the lead and then usher Charlotte and Cullen into my living room, pinching Cullen’s ass on my way to the stairs. I’m rewarded with a mischievous grin and wink that promise a little “get even” action later.
I race back down the stairs with Cullen’s bag, grab his hand, and do my best to pull his mountainous physique out the door again.
“Be right back!” I yell to Charlotte as the door slams.
Cullen opens his truck door and pulls me in next to the seat, partially out of view. My grin is wild. “I was going to have you in for a bit, but I guess that’ll have to wait, huh?”
I trace my fingertip along the underside of his lower lip. He catches my finger between his teeth, then wraps his lips around it, bringing it into the warmth of his mouth. He rubs the tip with his tongue sending bolts of fire into my belly. Tugging my finger out, I replace it with my lips, dipping my tongue between his, teasing his lips apart. Hungrily, he answers my need with his own.
Cullen groans and presses me harder against his hips, “All I have to do is think about you and I get hard. Then you go and pinch my ass and kiss me like that? You’re dangerous.”
I run my hand up and down his growing length, then give it a teeny squeeze, “Baby, you’re leaving me in the same damn condition. I’ve never been ready like this until you.”
A frustrated growl erupts from his throat, then Cullen reluctantly hops up into the seat, adjusting his shorts so he can drive.
“Let me know if there’s something I can do, ok? About Charlotte coming by?”
“I will, but I’m sure everything’s fine. She’s just being theatrical,” I wave it off with my hand. “Talk to you later?”
“Of course. Thanks for today. You’re right, it was perfect. Goodnight, Beautiful.”
My smile is from ear to ear as I take a step back from the truck, “Goodnight, Handsome.”
I wait until he’s gone before I stomp into my townhouse.
“What the hell, Charlotte?”
“What?” She has her mouth full of sandwich. She made herself a damn sandwich.
“Hungry?”
“Very, thank you.”
“Ugh!” I throw myself on the couch and stare at the ceiling.
“What are you pissed at me for?” she inquires, strolling in from the kitchen. “Did I ruin your sexfest?”
“Oh. My. God. You’re ridiculous. Does Aaron know you’re here? I’m gonna call him to come get you. Where’s Hollyn? Never mind, probably with Aaron. Now I’m talking to myself. Stop laughing! You’re gonna aspirate!”
Charlotte is bent at the knees, red-faced, laughing her ass off at my little rant here on the couch. I’m not laughing at all. I don’t think it’s funny.
“Oh, shit, Violet, you should see your face. ‘Aspirate’—who says that? No, I’m sorry! We seriously couldn’t get a hold of you and were worried.” She’s practically hyperventilating.
“Well, thanks, but I’m fine. Cullen and I spent the day together and I didn’t take my phone, that’s all.”
She flops down at the end of the couch. I put my feet on her. “So, uh, how are things going with ol’ Thor?”
“Good.”
“For fuck’s sake, Violet, I’m not Mom. Give me something to work with here. Like—good with his hands, giant cock, something!”
I yank the pillow out from under my head and fling it at her. It whacks the side of her face, poofing out her hair. She tickles my feet, and I squirm with laughter.
“Alright! Alright! Jesus, Charlotte, you’re ruthless!” I scream through gasps for air. “Ok, his body is the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. It makes me shiver just to watch him move. He doesn’t have a six pack; he has an eight pack. Eight. And the V. His hands are like magic and I can’t even describe to you how he makes me feel inside,” I thump my chest, “here.”
“Oh my god, Violet. Are you in love with him?”
“Yeah, I think so. What?” Charlotte’s mouth is hanging open. “It’s not like we just met. I’ve known him for two years. We’ve been friends for two years!” I scramble to a sitting position.
Charlotte holds her hands out in surrender, “Hang on, I’m not saying anything about that. I was just gonna ask what he did when you told him about what a shit Anden was and that whole thing.”
I pick at my fingernails.
“You haven’t told him.” It’s not even a question.
“He knows some stuff. A little. Enough.”
“Violet. You haven’t even been to the gravesite, it was so bad. Does he know that?”
“I’ve been there. At the funeral.”
She rolls her eyes, “That doesn’t count and you know it. I hate to break it to you, but omissions are lies. You can’t build your relationship past what it is if you don’t tell him everything. Don’t you trust him?”
“Of course I trust him.”
“Do you think he’s going to trust you if you keep avoiding the conversation?”
“I know what you’re getting at, Charlotte, I do. But it’s easy for you. You’re on the outside of the glass case looking in.” I get up and pad into the kitchen on a sigh. “I need some food. Want anything else?”
“No, I’m gonna get going now that I know you’re not dead and I can report back to the fam.” She comes and gives me a hard hug. “I love you, Violet. I just don’t want to see you hurt again. Talk to Cullen; trust him with everything. Start this relationship the right way. He’s good for you.”
“Ok, I will. We’ll talk. I love you, too.”
“Good. And go see Anden, would ya? Even if it’s just one time to tell h
im off with a big ‘Fuck you’. Get it over with and be done. He’s going to hold you back until you do.”
I bite my lower lip and just nod my head in agreement. I know she’s right, but doing so digs up everything I’ve tried so hard to bury these last few months. I can’t tell her that, though, because she doesn’t know it all either.
With one last quick embrace, Charlotte leaves me at my kitchen counter with the constructs of a sandwich and some big decisions to make.
SEVENTEEN
Violet
My phone is ringing, so I pause Sons of Anarchy to answer it. I’m at the end of Season 6 and only one other thing on the planet sounds better to me on a Sunday afternoon than taking on Jax and the final season…
“Hey, Handsome, what’s up?”
“Now what if I was a salesman or your wireless provider?”
“Then I guess I’d make his day.”
“You know, you’re somethin’ else.”
“I know! That’s why you like me.”
“Um, that’s not the only reason,” he pauses and I clear my throat.
“Oh, yeah? What else could there possibly be?”
“Well, let me think. You’re really organized. I like that—“
I shriek, “Oh my god, Cullen Metz, I’m hanging up!”
We both start laughing. “No, really,” Cullen chokes out. “How are you? Is everything good with your sister?”
I sigh, “Yeah, we talked all about you and how nuts you’re making me. I mean, I didn’t even remember my phone for shit’s sake.”
“Violet.” Cullen has absolutely no warning in his tone. I imagine he’s running his hand over his hair by now, though.
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. We did talk about you, but all the amazing stuff, I promise. It’s all good.”
“Alright, awesome, because she seemed pretty upset.”
“Yeah, Charlotte’s got the drama gene.”
“And you got? I mean, besides being fucking gorgeous and a genius, of course.”
I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me, “Puh, whatever. No, I got sarcasm but with a touch of class.”
“Yes! That’s it! I knew it wasn’t just your knack for organization.”