“What?” Bette tried to keep her voice low, but Tilly was talking crazy. “Met someone?” Bette repositioned herself in the chair, hoping it would make her more awake. “Okay, Tilly, you have to start from the beginning. I’ve just woken up and the last time we talked you were in Las Vegas with the elders. I have no clue what you mean by you met someone.”
The words came tumbling out of Tilly’s mouth. “Now we’re in Sedona, and I went on this Jeep trip to the vortexes and it was beautiful and healing and inspiring and life changing.” She took a quick breath. “And there was this guy on the trip. Rob. He’s kind and funny and interesting and…and handsome. Oh, Bette, he’s hot! In the green eyes, dimples, wavy hair, Levis-that-fit-to-perfection kind of rugged hot.”
“Oh,” was all Bette could mutter.
Bette’s minimal response at Tilly’s pouring her heart out didn’t stop her from continuing. “We ran into each other after the trip and he took me for a ride on his motorbike.”
Bette’s head fell into her hand and she muttered, “Oh no, not a motorbike.”
Tilly didn’t hear her. She just kept on rambling. “I felt free on the back of that bike with him. I felt alive for the first time in a long time.” She paused, deciding if she should say this or not, but it was Bette, and she could tell Bette anything. “And his body!” She could feel the redness in her face, but couldn’t stop herself from saying, “His body felt so damn good, Bette.” She continued to purge, barely taking a breath between sentences. “And then we went for dinner and talked for like, forever. I felt like he was genuinely interested in me, like he really wanted to hear what I had to say. What I was thinking and feeling.” That was when the emotions took over and Tilly choked on her words. “Do you know how long it’s been, Bette, since I felt like someone was really interested in me? Besides you.”
Bette hesitated for a moment, knowing what she was about to ask was going to be revealing. “Do you mean, how long it’s been since Mick was interested in you?”
“Yes, Mick. We’re going about our daily lives, raising our children, going to work, paying the bills, but it’s like we’ve become roommates. Roommates, Bette.” She stood and walked toward the window. “I don’t know the last time we had a deep, meaningful conversation about anything that matters to either of us, besides Piper and Grayson…and…”
Bette could hear the exasperation in her best friend’s voice.
Tilly stared out the window, the darkness of the night reflecting how she felt about her marriage. “…and sex, well, maybe that’s why Rob’s body felt so good, cuz I don’t remember the last time I had sex with my husband. It used to be that on Saturdays we’d turn on the TV for the kids and sneak into the bedroom, locking the door behind us. He called it our ‘afternoon delight.’ I know it’s an old euphemism, but I loved how he had a name for it! Now Saturdays are full of soccer games, errands, meal preparations, and everything else mundane about married life.” Tilly’s eyes began to fill and she managed to squeak out, “No more sexy Saturdays,” before she began to cry. The kind of crying where your eyes and nose leak, but no sound comes out.
Bette sat quietly on the other end, knowing Tilly would continue when she was ready. “And today, on the back of Rob’s bike and over dinner, I felt a stirring that I’d forgotten I even had.”
“Diiiiid anything happen?” Bette couldn’t believe she was asking this of Tilly. “Did you act on that stirring?”
“No. Luckily Mabel and Bea saved me. We were just finishing our four-hour dinner when they found me.”
Bette interrupted, “Four hours?”
“See, that’s what I mean. We talked for four hours and it felt like twenty minutes.” Tilly moved the phone down from her mouth for a moment, remembering how she felt sitting there with Rob.
“Are you going to see him again?” Bette asked.
“I don’t know. Over dinner we had briefly talked about doing something tomorrow, and I gave him my cell number, but we never got to make any plans because Bea and Mabel showed up.”
Tilly asked Bette what she should do if he called. She didn’t know. She was supposed to take Mabel and the elders out on the land to have a ceremony and spread Mabel’s sister’s ashes. But she didn’t tell Bette that, instead she lied. “There’s nothing standing in my way.” Even as she said it, they both knew there was plenty standing in her way of spending the day with Rob.
“Oh, Till. You need to think long and hard about this.”
Tilly sat down and released a long, slow breath. “I know, Bette.” She put her head back against the chair and closed her eyes. Fatigue consumed her. “I know.”
“I’ve never heard you talk like this, so I know this is serious. Makes me think, though, that when you avoid the truth too long, it comes looking for you. Sounds like that’s what’s happening to you. No matter what you decide to do, I think Rob crossing your path is a blessing. If nothing else, hopefully it will inspire you and Mick to talk about what’s going on in your marriage.”
They both let the words hang in the air for a moment.
Bette continued, “Go get some sleep, my friend. It’ll give you a fresh perspective.”
“Thanks, Bette.”
“Call me anytime. I love you, Tilly.”
“Love you, too.” Tilly pushed the end button and sank deeper into the chair. She needed a few minutes before heading back to the room.
34
A Precarious Situation
TILLY HAD ONLY been asleep a few hours when the buzzing of her phone woke her. Thinking it was one of her twins, she sat up and grabbed her phone off the bedside table before it woke Mabel. Tilly didn’t recognize the number. She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes. The few hours of sleep she’d managed to get after talking to Bette had left her eyes feeling gritty. She looked at her phone again and read the text message. “Good morning, Tilly, it’s Rob. I’m wondering if you’re up for an adventure?”
An adventure? Tilly thought to herself as she fell back on her pillow, closing her eyes. After talking with Bette last night, she’d decided not to see him again. But now, spending the day alone wasn’t nearly as appealing as an adventure with Rob.
It was like her fingers were being operated by someone else’s brain. She texted him back, “Yes. What’d you have in mind?” Her conscience kicked in for a moment, her finger hung over the Send button. Finally, she pushed it.
Almost immediately the little bubble indicating he was writing came up. The thought that he was there waiting to respond so quickly made her heart flutter. “If I told you what I had in mind, then it wouldn’t be a full-on adventure.” Although she barely knew him, she knew he’d be grinning mischievously when writing that. She could see another message was being written. “All you need is a swimsuit and sunglasses. I can pick you up, or we could meet somewhere.”
Tilly knew Rob’s motorbike would wake Mabel for sure. Although neither Bea nor Mabel had said anything directly, she knew full well where they stood on her seeing Rob again. She didn’t want to have to explain to anyone where she was going or with whom she was going. Tilly texted Rob back: “I’ll walk. Meet where we had dinner last night? Need a good coffee! Thirty minutes?”
Again, the bubble appeared almost immediately. She waited. “Awesome, look forward to seeing you!!!”
She stared for a moment at the three exclamation marks he used and pulled the covers up over her head. “What am I doing?” she mumbled softly to herself, causing Mabel to stir in the bed beside her. Tilly held her breath, hoping she hadn’t woken her. She needed to get out of this hotel room before Mabel woke up.
Of course, Tilly knew she was putting herself in a precarious situation. Since sobering up twenty years ago, she’d always done the right thing. She was known for being wise, having integrity, and taking the high road in difficult situations. But today, today she was doing the unthinkable. She was spending the day with a man who mad
e her heart flip. A man who wasn’t her husband.
She got out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, turning the handle on the door as she closed it to ensure it made no sound. Tilly quickly got ready, slipping into jean shorts and a simple white T-shirt. After applying a tiny bit of makeup, quickly tweezing the few rogue eyebrow hairs, and slipping her new necklace over her head, she glanced in the mirror. She stopped and looked harder at the woman in the mirror. She liked who was looking back at her. Her face had darkened from the sun, she looked healthy and vibrant, and her deep brown eyes stood out more than usual. The furrowed lines on her forehead had softened and she thought, I look like me again.
Tilly cautiously opened the bathroom door. Knowing she needed to leave a note for Mabel, she wrote, “Morning Mabel. After last night, I really need the day by myself to think. Hope you understand. Tilly.”
She looked at the note. It was her handwriting, but it was so not like her. She felt ashamed and remorseful about not being honest with Mabel, but still, she slipped her backpack over her shoulder, took one last glance at the note and left.
Mabel watched as the door closed behind Tilly.
35
Sedona Synergy
BY THE TIME Tilly had reached the café, the morning sun and her quick pace had caused her cheeks to flush. Or perhaps it was the nervousness of seeing Rob again. She wiped the small beads of sweat from her forehead and above her lips, took a deep breath, and walked in. She scanned the café for Rob, but he and his big, bright smile were nowhere to be found. She knew he had to be there, his bike was parked out front.
The woman behind the counter asked her, “Are you here to meet a man?”
Tilly stopped cold. She was here to meet a man. It sounded so bad coming from the server like that.
“If you are and it’s the one with hazel eyes and dimples,” the woman gave her an approving smile, “he’s waiting for you in the back. On our outside patio.”
“Thanks.” Tilly shifted her pack to the other shoulder and looked down the long hall that led outside. She could turn back now and no one would ever know.
She could walk out and go back to what was safe. Familiar.
She could go back to the hotel and spend the day with the elders, preparing to honor Mabel’s sister.
She should go back to the hotel!
So many things she could do and should do. But what Tilly wanted to do was spend the day having an adventure.
She needed an adventure.
She chose to walk down the hall and out to the courtyard. It was gorgeous. Flowers were in bloom everywhere, there were water fountains in each of the four corners, and Cat Stevens’ melodic voice streamed through the speakers. Her eyes seemed to know exactly where to find Rob. The sun washed over him as he sat at a table reading. She was about to take a step toward him when a dragonfly buzzed in front of her and lingered for a few moments. Grandma Tilly. Dragonflies always reminded her of Grandma Tilly, so much so that she’d come to think every time a dragonfly crossed her path it was her Grandma visiting her. Her heart lurched.
Tilly inhaled sharply. Nausea consumed her. She looked to where Rob was sitting, her thoughts a jumbled mess.
Temptation.
Danger.
Lust.
Longing.
Dragonfly.
Grandma Tilly.
Air. Need oxygen. Now. Breathe, Tilly, breathe, she said in her head, knowing if she didn’t get some oxygen into her she was going to end up in a heap on the ground.
Rapid, shallow breathing.
Again…dragonfly. Grandma Tilly.
She turned, pushed past the server as her legs carried her back out the way she had come in. She shoved her arm through the dangling strap of her backpack and began to run.
Hard, breathless running. Running from what she’d almost done. Running for her marriage. Running to escape. Running from it all and running back to her room. Running and praying Mabel was still sleeping.
As she reached the hotel entrance, her chest was on fire. She leaned over and put her hands on her knees and with no ability to control it, spewed vomit onto the hotel lawn. Again and again, until her stomach was empty. Then came the dry heaves and the tears. Searing hot tears falling onto the earth.
When the heaving subsided, Tilly stumbled the last few steps to her hotel room, pulled her pack off, and rummaged for her key. The door opened. There stood Mabel, and then Bea emerged beside her. They both extended a hand, reaching for her elbows and helped her into the room.
The two aunties wrapped their arms around Tilly and held her until the tears subsided. Bea led her to a chair and then poured a large glass of cold water, adding a piece of lemon. She paused for a moment to pray over it. Praying for Tilly’s strength, health, and that she would have the courage to come through this in a good way. Bea sat down and took Tilly’s hand in hers. No words were needed. There would be plenty of time for that; right now, Tilly needed tenderness.
Meanwhile, Mabel ran a hot bath with Epsom salt, cedar, sweetgrass, and sage. When everything was ready, she emerged from the bathroom and softly said to Tilly, “Time for a cleansing bath, my girl.”
Tilly opened her eyes and looked between Mabel and Bea, almost as if she didn’t recognize them. Bea and Mabel exchanged a knowing glance. They’d both been to this place before. The place where the familiar is unfamiliar and the only emotion available to you is sorrow. The place it hurt to breathe and you feel almost void of caring. Especially for yourself.
Mabel told Tilly, “You need to sweat out some of the pain you’re feeling and fill yourself back up with good medicine. Come on. We’re putting you in the tub.”
They pulled her to her feet and led her into the bathroom. The sage- and cedar-scented steam penetrated Tilly’s nostrils and she breathed deeply, craving more. Mabel caught Tilly’s eyes. “Do you need help?”
“No, I’m okay.” In turn, Tilly looked at each of these women. She wanted to say so much to them. How important they were to her, how grateful she was they were in her life, how she revered them…but those words would have to be for another time. “Kinânskomitin.” Thank you in Cree was all she could say.
When Tilly was alone in the bathroom, she sent a text to Rob. “Sorry not to have shown up for our adventure. Well, I did show up, but I had to leave. Too many feelings for you already, full day together and I would’ve really been in trouble. Thank you for reminding me of who I am.”
She closed her eyes, leaned on the counter, and held the phone to her chest.
After a bit, Tilly eased herself into the tub and lay back so only her face was out of the water. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to seep into the peace that now surrounded her, almost immediately drifting off to sleep. The women knew the bath would have this effect, so they went back to preparing for today’s ceremony, but checked on her every ten minutes to make sure she was safe.
After an hour of deep sleep, the kind of sleep that helps heal the soul, Tilly awoke. The water had gotten cold and goosebumps covered her. She added a little hot water to warm up before she got out.
When Tilly walked back into the room, she saw Bea and Mabel playing cards at the small hotel table. As she made her way over to her bed and sat down, the two women directed their gaze to her.
Bea asked, “How was your bath?”
“I fell asleep.”
“Yeah, we know.”
Tilly looked confused.
“We were checking on you to make sure you were okay.”
Tilly suddenly felt self-conscious and pulled the housecoat tighter around her. Bea read her mind. “Don’t worry. Nothing we ain’t seen before.” They all giggled and it was in that moment that the two women knew Tilly would be okay.
Maybe not right away, but they knew she would find her way back from this darkness.
36
Friendship
THAT DAY, LUCY and Anne had been shopping for about an hour when they came across an ice-cream shop and decided to indulge. As they sat under a large umbrella, relishing both the break from the sun and the cool, delicious treat, two young women walked by holding hands.
Anne looked at them from the corner of her eye, keenly aware of her mixed emotions. On one hand, envy at the freedom these young women had in expressing their love and on the other hand, her own discomfort at the display of public affection.
It was never like that for her and Liz. Times were different back then and it wasn’t safe for them to be demonstrative in their feelings for each other. It was moments like this when Anne realized how far society had come. She turned her eyes away from the young women and looked to see if Lucy had noticed them.
Lucy’s head was cranked as she watched them walk down the sidewalk. “Was it hard?” Lucy asked as she turned back to look at Anne.
“Was what hard?” Between her reminiscing and the Sedona sun, Anne’s ice cream had begun to melt and she had to quickly lick the sides of her cone.
“You know, realizing you were gay.”
Anne looked over at Lucy who shook her head once and responded, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I know I can be a Nosy Nellie sometimes, but I was just wondering, you know, what it was like for you.”
Anne motioned her head up the sidewalk to where the young women had walked and asked, “Seeing those two holding hands make you think of that?”
“I suppose. I’ve wondered a few times before. They just weren’t the right times to ask.”
Anne finished off her cone, wiped her mouth, and settled in to share her story. “It wasn’t realizing I was gay. It was being gay that was hard. When I moved to Toronto and had my first relationship with a woman, I thought it was because of what had happened to me in Residential school.” She looked over at Lucy and their eyes met momentarily. Neither needed to say a word, the knowingness floated between them, a shared common experience. “But, eventually I learned that wasn’t the case. That there was something inside me that felt more at home with women than men. And after a couple of awkward fumbles that I wouldn’t even call relationships, I met Liz. And I just knew. I can’t really describe it and I know it sounds corny, but I knew she was the one.”
Tilly and the Crazy Eights Page 13