Behind the Scenes

by Dahlia Adler

  “Ah, I do miss your parents, so much.”

  “Trust me,” she said wryly. “They miss you even more.” Then her phone rang, and she checked the screen and sighed. “It’s Jade. It is always Jade. Sorry, I gotta take this.”

  I nodded and eavesdropped as she got set up on yet another date with Liam. Of course, to add insult to injury, I was then stuck making the dinner reservation and dropping hints on Twitter. I’d just hit Send when Gavin came up to me again, slipped me a card, and then walked away.

  I glanced at the back, knowing exactly what I’d see there. I wasn’t disappointed. Let me know if you ever realize you’ve got more to say on…anything. –G. It was by no means the first time I’d received a card like that from a reporter, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last.

  But as I watched Liam from across the room and knew I wouldn’t even be able to kiss him goodbye, it was the first time I didn’t immediately crumple it up.

  17

  “SO, WHAT’S UP?” I ASKED as soon as I got in the door. I dropped my massive amounts of “Vanessa purchases” on the living room couch and walked back into the kitchen, where my parents were sitting at the island.

  “Good evening to you too, my dear.” My dad rolled his eyes and kissed me on the forehead. “Your mother already told you it wasn’t anything bad. Stop worrying.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You guys can’t be trusted. Smells good, though. More peanut noodles, huh?”

  “Of course.” We took our seats at the dining room table just as my mom brought out a steaming bowl of said noodles. My dad’s treatment wasn’t without its side effects, and whatever it did to the inside of his mouth meant he could barely tolerate any food textures in his first few days out of the hospital. Apparently, the peanut noodles from Golden Wok around the corner were the perfect amount of slimy.

  “Where’s Lucy?” I asked as my mother returned to the kitchen to grab whatever she and I were eating for dinner in addition to the salad that was already on the table; the rest of us had gotten sick of peanut noodles after week two.

  My father coughed, and I knew Lucy was the topic at hand. I sighed. This was not going anywhere good.

  “She’s at Angie’s,” said my mother, returning to the table with a lasagna. “Listen, Ally, I know Lucy’s a big girl, but she’s still so young. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be talking her into coming to the hospital.”

  My hand froze midway to the lasagna. “Seriously? You think I talked Lucy into wanting to go visit?” I looked at my dad. “Is this because of what we talked about in the hospital?”

  “We talked about this in the hospital?” His brows furrowed, and I sighed. Of course he wouldn’t remember. His short-term memory when he was getting treatment was horrible.

  “Lucy told me she talked about it with you and Vanessa the other night,” Mom explained. “She said you were going to talk us into letting her visit.”

  “I said I would talk to you about letting her visit, and I did try to talk to Dad about it.”

  “What’d I say?”

  “You said you’d talk to Mom,” I admitted with a grumble. “But I think you’re both wrong.”

  “Ally—”

  “No,” I said firmly, dropping my fork on my plate. About this, I was confident, and Lucy was my little sister—I’d promised we would all get through this together, and there was no reason that had to wait until after my dad died. “You are both wrong. This is ridiculous. You might be…this might be it. And poor Lucy’s just going to think about all the time she missed with you. I know you don’t remember our visits in the hospital, Dad, but I do. I remember you chatting with Vanessa. I remember you meeting Liam. Those aren’t bad memories to me; they’re important ones. And I want Lucy to have them too. They’re part of our lives now.”

  My mother opened her mouth to respond, then instantly shut it. I was gaining ground for once, and I knew it. I hated fighting with them, hated that I was yelling, but couldn’t they see how important this was? Couldn’t anyone understand that time with loved ones wasn’t something you could make up for after it had already passed?

  Finally, they both sighed, and my mother said, “I don’t know.”

  Of course she didn’t. Because only half-acknowledging reality in this situation was her specialty. If only Liam were here, I swear he could’ve convinced them. Partly because he was just that charismatic, but partly because he’d been Lucy. I didn’t know for sure that he had no regrets about seeing his mother in the hospital, but given how much he’d loved her, I couldn’t imagine it. Suddenly, I was dying to talk to him, to ask, and I jumped up from the table and grabbed my cell phone from my bag.

  “Ally!”

  “I have to make a phone call,” I said firmly to my mother. “I can’t do this right now.” Without another glance back at the table, I marched upstairs and dialed his number.

  Four rings, then voicemail. I hung up and tried again. Same thing.

  I was about to try a third time when the memory of making him and Vanessa a dinner reservation that night floated into my brain. Of course he was out with Vanessa when I needed him. Of fucking course.

  I hurled my phone at the carpet, tears burning at my eyes. We had so little time left before I went to school, so little time left before my dad’s…expiration date. How was this how we were spending it? A continent apart for a week and not even allowed to hug upon his return? Me needing him and him being on a date with my best friend? We still had another six weeks until upfronts, when we’d learn the fate of Daylight Falls. There was no way I could survive like this.

  But what were my alternatives, really? Break up with him? I couldn’t imagine that hurting any less. Just the thought of never hearing his soft “Bon nuit” in my ear again as I drifted off to sleep, my cell phone pressing into my pillow at a far-too-late hour, made me ache. Would I really be any less lonely if I ended things?

  You would if you got with Nate, the devil on my shoulder informed me, and I immediately shook it off. I wasn’t interested in Nate, and certainly not after his gross display with Dana earlier that day. Clearly he was still bitter about the double date, and if he really did like me, he had an awful way of showing it.

  The only other option was burning a hole in the back pocket of my jeans. Telling Gavin that this was all a hoax would bust apart Liam and Vanessa for sure. But what else would it screw up? Nothing I was willing to take a chance on, no matter how mad I was. I finally did what I knew I should’ve done earlier and ripped the card in two before tossing it in the trash.

  Then I curled up into a ball on top of my covers and stared at where my phone lay on the carpet until it blurred from my tears. By the time a soft knock sounded on my door a few minutes later, I was already half-asleep.

  * * * * *

  I woke up extra early to do all the homework I hadn’t done the night before and saw that I had four missed calls from Liam and a text that said, Are you OK??

  It was too early to call him back—if he was awake, he’d be out running without his phone anyway—so I just texted, Fine, I just really needed to talk. I’ll see you on set tomorrow.

  I might’ve forgotten for a few minutes last night that he was out with Vanessa, but I certainly couldn’t forget that they’d be at brunch this morning or at a party tonight. Already I knew if I looked at CelebriTeens. com, I’d see pictures of them from last night, holding hands, maybe feeding each other. I wondered which were worse—the images in my brain or the images out there on the Internet for everyone to see.

  He tried me again while I was in class, presumably when he woke up. I tried him again during lunch, but it went straight to voicemail. By the time he tried again, this time during French, I just shut off my phone. The frustration of our schedules forcing us off track was only mounting in my brain to the point where I couldn’t concentrate.

  “Doing okay there, Duncan?” Nate whispered.

  “Great,” I replied tightly. “Heard you had a good date last night.”

  �
�Très bien, actually.”

  “Really?”

  He snorted softly. “What do you think?”

  I still had no idea what to think, honestly, but I certainly wasn’t going to tell Nate that. I went back to focusing on Madame Boulanger and debating whether or not I was going to bother trying to call Liam after school. I was afraid if I got his voicemail one more time, I would throw my phone again, and this time there’d be no carpet to cushion its fall.

  I was still trying to decide when I turned my phone back on during my walk to my car and saw a text that said, This is ridiculous. Can you please come over when you get out?

  I wanted to, with every bone in my body, but I couldn’t help thinking how painful it would be to spend time with him, only to watch him leave to spend the evening with Vanessa yet again.

  Don’t you need to get dressed for the party?

  His response was immediate. I need to get undressed first.

  So sue me, a girl could only think so rationally after a text like that.

  * * * * *

  It took all my self-control to stay within the speed limit on the way over to his apartment. I debated slipping on sunglasses to head upstairs, but there was no point; his doorman knew full well who I was, and I never bumped into anyone else. I spent the short elevator ride reminding myself that I wanted to have a real conversation, but then he opened the door in nothing but a pair of low-slung pajama pants and words flew out of my brain.

  “Hey,” he said warmly, tapping the door shut behind me since I was too frozen to do it myself.

  “You play really dirty,” I said with a groan, dropping my bag and letting him pull me into a kiss.

  “Pretty’s all I got,” he murmured against my lips. “I gotta take advantage.”

  “It is not, and you know it.” I raked my fingertips through his newly cut hair, grazing his scalp, and relished the way it made him lightly shiver against my body. “But I’m definitely not complaining about you taking advantage of anything right now.” I continued the trail of my fingertips down his smooth, well-muscled back. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too. So much you have no idea.” He ducked low to kiss the spot where throat met collarbone, sucking at my skin just enough to make me purr. “Seeing you and not being able to touch you is torture. I thought I was going to physically throw that reporter asshole outside.”

  “Next time, feel free.” My skin tingled as he kissed his way down to the edge of my T-shirt. “You can feel free to do away with this shirt, too. I wouldn’t want us to be uneven or anything.”

  “Alexandra Duncan—always out for justice,” he said, smiling against one of the curves peeking out of the neckline, then sliding the shirt up and over my head. “Remind me to ask you later what he said to you.”

  “You can ask me now,” I pointed out breathlessly as hands and lips caressed my skin.

  “I don’t give a shit now,” he rumbled in my ear, pulling me firmly against his chest. “I care about my incredibly hot girlfriend now.”

  Key word being now, I thought for only an instant before he went back to the tried-and-true spot on my throat and thinking—among other things—got much, much harder.

  “You really did miss me,” I murmured as he rose up to kiss me again, pressing closer, the thin pajama pants leaving nothing to the imagination and no question as to how badly he wanted me.

  “That’s what I’ve been saying.” He held me in place with a strong arm wrapped around my waist and rocked his hips against mine. “I thought about you nonstop.”

  “How nonstop?” I teased, sliding my hands down his chest, over those impeccable abs, and down to the drawstring of the pants.

  “Very.” He sucked my lower lip into his mouth, then nipped it. “At very inappropriate moments.”

  “Were the moments inappropriate?” I asked, drawing the string lightly across his six-pack. “Or were you?”

  “Both. Definitely both.” His tongue caressed mine, and he stroked my rib cage with his big, warm palms again. “You definitely got me through some lonely German nights.”

  My heart raced at the admission. For some reason, it was the sexiest thing of all knowing that when left to take matters into his own hands, I was still the one he thought about. That even with physical distance between us, I was the one who turned him on.

  I stopped teasing with the drawstring of his pants and started working the knot instead. I wanted more of him, wanted him to know I felt the same way. Wanted to give him more to think about the next time we were apart.

  “Ally,” he breathed. “Jesus.” He dropped his hands to loosely cover mine. “You might not want to do that.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I’m going commando underneath.”

  My heart pounded at his words, and I didn’t resist as he gently pulled my hands away and put them on his broad shoulders instead. “Didn’t think we were quite there yet.” His voice was warm and teasing in my ear, making my pulse pound.

  Maybe we were there. Maybe I was an idiot to keep waiting when I had a boyfriend who had to disappear to Europe one day and kiss a gorgeous actress the next. Maybe it was time I gave him something else to remember on a lonely German night. I stepped back and drank in the sight of his shirtless body, all smooth golden skin and muscles like marble. He was, quite literally, perfect. It was unnerving. Feelings of inadequacy fought their way to the surface as I skated my fingertips over every bare inch.

  “Am I passing inspection?” he asked hoarsely.

  I swept over his shoulders, walked around to look at his smooth, hard back, the long legs I knew were toned from daily runs beneath the gray cotton. “A little too well, maybe,” I joked, but it didn’t feel funny.

  He reached around and pulled me back, folding me into his arms. “Ally, listen to me.” He tipped my chin up until I was staring directly into his ocean-colored eyes. “You are beautiful. So beautiful it hurts.” He took my hand and placed it on the warm skin of his chest. “Tu as mon… How do you say ‘heart’ again?”

  “Coeur,” I answered, feeling my own squeeze.

  “Tu as mon coeur,” he repeated with a smile, stroking my cheek with his index finger. “I don’t want to do something you’re not ready for, ever, but please don’t let it be because you see me as anything other than a guy who is completely crazy about you.”

  I closed my eyes, letting the words wash over me, but I already knew he had my heart too. Slowly, tentatively, he kissed me again, and this time, I let my fingertips wander back down to the drawstring.

  “Ally.” He tried to pull away, but I held fast, taking control. Nothing else in my life was on my terms, but this was, and somehow I didn’t think Liam would have any complaints about that. His hands sliding into my hair a moment later cemented that theory. He kissed me deeply as my fingers worked the knot, and then a harsh, loud melody broke into the quiet, startling us both.

  “What the hell is that?” I blurted, jumping back. “Is that your phone? What’s that ringtone?”

  “Shit. I didn’t realize how late it was.”

  I looked at my own watch, which allowed Liam to grab his phone. “It’s not even five. I thought the party was at eight.”

  “I have to look over the shots from Germany first. They came in while I was at brunch, and Jade wants approval before the party. She wasn’t supposed to call until five, but…” He held up his cell so I could see her name flashing on the screen.

  “Jade? What does Jade have to do with your photo shoot?”

  He nibbled on his thumbnail, the closest thing I knew he had to a nervous gesture. “Well, since she was involved in so much of my life with this whole Vanessa thing anyway—”

  No. No no no. “You signed with her? You signed with Jade? Now you’re fully under her thumb too?” I got up and grabbed my shirt from the floor, dodging Liam’s hand when he reached for me. “What the hell, Liam? Since when do you of all people want a publicist?”

  “I don’t want—I just…ugh, shit.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I knew I should’ve talked to you. I’m sorry, Al. Please don’t go.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “You think I’m staying for your call and your interview and your ‘assignment’ from Jade before you get dressed to go to a party with Vanessa, which is also Jade’s doing?” I threw on my shirt, not even bothering to make sure I had it on the right way. “No, Liam. Just…no.”

  He watched quietly while I walked to the door to pick up my bag. “I’m so sorry,” he rasped when I turned back around. “I just wanted to see you. I wasn’t thinking about all this shit.”

  “‘All this shit’ is your life, all day, every day,” I reminded him. “And being with you and working for Vanessa—it makes it mine too. It means you’re not there when I call you. It means my ‘reunion’ with my boyfriend was a night of being ignored, followed the next day by what was basically a booty call. I just…I can’t—”

  The same unfamiliar ringtone started up again; Jade was nothing if not relentless. But this time, it was five o’clock on the dot. My slot in his schedule had come to an end.

  “Ally—”

  “Just get it, Liam. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He glanced at the phone, then back at me, but we both knew which one was gonna win. Even when he dashed over to give me a warm kiss goodbye before answering it.

  18

  GAVIN’S ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED on Friday, and I was relegated to a brief mention as “Ms. Park’s dutiful assistant,” with my only quote being about how fabulous Vanessa and Liam were together. I snorted and clicked out of the stupid story without reading the rest.

  At least I’d tried. Not that I’d ever have a voice in Hollywood—not when it came to my personal thoughts and not when it came to my personal life either, apparently. Sure, Liam had called and apologized at some point later that night, and I knew he meant it, but for some reason, the ache in my heart from that argument still wasn’t going away.

  “What’s the matter, honey?”