“And what’s he going to do when he meets me?”
“I haven’t thought about it.”
“You’re not planning to keep me a secret, are you? Because I’d hate for you to be embarrassed of me.”
Papa Smurf’s words are rambling through my head now. The outside world doesn’t approve of us, just because we’re carnies. The prejudices against us run deep.
“No, I’m not. But I have to figure out how to ease them into the idea of a boyfriend. I haven’t even had a serious boyfriend since Connor and I broke up just after graduating high school.”
“So you don’t care that I’m a carny?”
“I thought you left the carnival.”
“Only because of you, but it will never leave my blood.”
“That makes sense since it’s all you’ve ever known.”
“I told you before, it’s who I am.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure my parents are going to love you. How could they not?”
“And what about that brunette friend of yours? Is she going to put her snarl away when she sees me again?”
Somehow all these issues didn’t enter into my mind when I was focused on finding Emily. Now here they are, smacking me in the face. But I’m not leaving her, no matter what her family and friends think.
“I don’t care about any of her snarls. I don’t care about what anyone in the town thinks, and my parents are going to have to learn to live with it. All I want is you, and that includes the carny part.”
I knew Emily wasn’t like other people.
Stroking her hair, I grip around the base of her neck and kiss her before pulling away to examine her face. Our eyes lock in a steady gaze, and I start feeling more naked than I already am.
In order to break eye contact, I roll onto my back. Emily might have jumped all over my monster cock, but I don’t know if she’s ready to know more about me. Hell, I don’t know if she’ll ever be ready.
The trouble is, she’s so far from the other side of the tracks as me, I don’t even understand what her life is like. There’s no way she’d be able to understand mine.
Emily cares so damn much about what her family thinks of her, and she lets them influence every bit of her life, am I really going to win out over them? There’s no doubt in my mind they’ll do everything they can to pull her away from me, I just hope the magnetism between us is stronger than them.
I’m prepared to give up everything I am for her. Will she do the same?
“What’s going to happen when your parents don’t approve of me? Because they won’t, you realize. No father with a reputation to uphold would ever stand by while a carny fucks his daughter senseless.”
“Hmm, maybe it’s better if you find a job here first, before I introduce you? Then you won’t be a carny.”
“Goldie, I am a carny. Once you’ve been one, people look at you like you’re contaminated for the rest of your life.”
“So we won’t tell them.”
“And the tattoos? How will they go over?”
Emily’s eyes run over my naked body, lingering on each of my tattoos before getting stuck on the one on my neck.
“The neck one might be an issue for them. They’ll think it means you’re an ex-con or a gangster or something.”
“Well, I ain’t no gangster.”
“You’re not an ex-con are you?”
“Not exactly.”
“So they’ll just have to learn to accept it.”
“It’s going to be that easy, is it?” No fucking chance.
“Like it or not, they’re going to have to accept it.”
“As long as you can handle their reaction.”
“All these months I’ve been dreaming about you, but I didn’t even know what was under your T-shirt, let alone your pants.” Emily says, changing the topic. She pushes herself against me. “Now I finally know.”
“I didn’t think it was possible to fantasize about someone wearing clothes.”
“Oh it is, believe me.”
“I’m going to guess the Steel in your dreams was nothing like the reality.”
“You could say that.”
“And how did the real thing compare to your dreams?” I ask, flashing my biggest smile.
“Are you kidding me?”
“So tell me, what did you dream about?”
“Every night I’d etch the lines of your face in my head, so I’d never forget a single thing about the way you look. I’d remember the feel of your strength as you pulled me close and kissed me. Mostly I thought about your lips, you know, down there.” She shifts her eyes down her body before continuing, her breathing rapid. “I’d close my eyes and touch myself, pretending my fingers were your big, thick ones when they broke into me.”
“We’re going to have to stop talking about this, because I know you’re sore, but if you keep it up, that ain’t gonna matter to me.”
Emily closes her eyes and pauses a moment before saying with a smile, “I’ll tell you another time.”
“Smart move.”
The next several hours flew faster than loose change out of the Zipper. Emily left to go home around nine.
I’m lying awake on the first double-size bed I’ve slept in in my life, thinking back over the day with Emily and about how keeping up my search for her was the best decision I ever made.
* * *
I’ve been at the Motel 6 for a month. It’s costing me forty bucks a night, which is almost what I make in a day at the carnival. Good thing I’ve been socking money away all these years, but this isn’t how I’d pictured spending it.
It’s been easy to pick up lots of odd cash jobs for people needing an extra set of strong arms, but I’m still figuring out what to do about something permanent. How am I going to manage finding a decent permanent job for cash under the table?
Emily and I already have plans to get our own apartment when I find one. But she’s still keeping me a secret. She’s still worried at how her parents are going to react to me. Figures it’s better if she can first introduce me after I have a job so at least they won’t be able to complain about her dating an unemployed guy.
Except I’m only unemployed because of her. I’ve held the same job for ten whole years, doesn’t that count for something with these people?
The carnival season is starting up, and I need some indication from her before I go and quit the only life I’ve ever known for good.
So now we’re in a catch-22, one she probably isn’t even aware of.
There’s no fucking doubt in my mind that we’re meant to be together, but how am I ever going to overcome the problem with her family when she won’t even introduce me in the first place?
Somehow all my anger and frustration flies out the window whenever Emily comes to see me every day, and I’ve never brought it up to her.
You’d think we’d have run out of things to talk about by now, but every day I talk to her for hours. Until our talking turns into her leaving scratch marks down my back.
Symptom of the Universe
(EMILY)
It’s Saturday evening, and Steel and I are at the big mall in the town just past where Steel’s staying. It’s our one-month anniversary of finding each other, and he’s taking me to a movie and then back to his motel.
For fun, I’m wearing the dress I wore to the carnival on the night we first met. And nothing else, no bra, no panties.
I hate having to lie to my parents about where I’m really staying all these evenings. It’s just I can’t face my father freaking out. Even if he didn’t know who I was staying with, he’d accuse me of damaging his reputation because everyone in the town would know I was out sleeping around.
Living in this town is all I’ve ever known, but some days all I can think of is getting the hell out of it. And that thought has been consuming me more and more every day.
All I want to do is live my life like the adult I am, and be with the person I want to be with. I’m tired of people still whispering
behind my back about the carnival that happened months ago. How deafening would their whispers be if they knew I was with Steel right now? I can’t figure out how to go public with this. Or even why I should have to deal with this shit as an issue in the first place.
“Burrito with cheesy chips,” I say to the teenager behind the counter.
“The same,” Steel says.
Steel takes our tray and chooses a table at the far edge of the food court. I take a seat beside him instead of across from him so I can tease him with my thigh. Though I have to be careful. Knowing him he’d bend me over the table and fuck me right here in the middle of the mall.
We sit as close to each other as we can get in the fixed chairs, enough that our arms are touching as we eat.
I take a sip of my Coke, clear my throat and say, “I’ve been thinking. I’m getting really tired of living in a small town.”
“And why’s that?”
“For starters, it’s boring. Every day is the same, doing what’s expected of me.”
“Boring doesn’t sound the issue in that sentence.”
I sigh. “No, it’s not. It’s something else. I’m tired of everyone having their noses in my business. Of the way people have talked behind my back ever since the fair. And somehow my family thinks that whatever those people think is the most important thing in the world, when all I really want to do is walk down the street with your arm around me.”
“The only thing stopping me from doing that is you.”
“Whatever, the thing stopping me from you doing it is my family.”
“No, it’s you caring what they think.”
“Maybe if the town isn’t ever going to accept us, it’s time for me to leave.”
Steel smirks. “You know I’d go wherever tonight, but are you really serious about leaving? It’s not only your family, it’s your job.”
“I know. And I’m been thinking a lot about this. We can move far enough away that I can still commute to work.”
“And you’d still keep me a secret,” he states, his voice flat.
“Not from my family, only the town.”
“Because I’ll never be good enough for your family.”
“You know what? If you’re not, then I don’t care about them anymore. They’ll be dead to me.”
My heart is racing, I thought he’d like this plan. I didn’t know it would offend him.
“Dead to you as parents, but still your boss.”
“So maybe I will find another job. We can go wherever, do whatever we want. Be nomads, just like you want to be.”
“That might be who I am but that’s not who you are,” he says, bringing his face near mine.
“I’d follow you just about anywhere.”
Steel’s blue eyes shine into mine, seeming to decide if I’m being serious or not. I wish I could figure this out. How do I take him home to meet my parents? They’ll freak, even if they didn’t know he was a carny. It’s been a month and I still don’t have any better ideas than I did on the first night.
“I hope you’re serious, Goldie, because I can’t take much more of this. I need my woman at my side all the time, not just when she can sneak out of her parents’ house.”
“Are you going to go all caveman on me, and drag me back to your cave?”
“Fucking right, I will.”
We each take another bite of our burritos and chew in silence. He’s right. It’s not being fair on him, and I need to solve this problem as fast as I can.
To try to smooth things over, I swallow my food and throw my arms around him. I squeeze as tight as I can, letting his clean scent soothe me.
“Emily?” my mother’s voice comes through the noise of the food court.
Shit. Not now. Not here.
Releasing my hold on Steel, I sit up straight. My chest flutters with nerves, and before I know it, Steel takes my hand. If I get through this, it will only be because of his touch.
In an instant, my mother is at the side of our table.
“Who’s this?” She asks, trying not to look at Steel.
“Mom, this is Kayden, Kayden, my mom, Carol.”
Steel stands and offers his hand for her to shake. When my mother finally does look at him, her eyes beeline straight to his neck tattoo. She is frozen but eventually lifts her arm and touches only the tips of his fingers between hers. I stand as well.
A moment later, my father appears behind her, loaded down with shopping bags. At first he looks confused, his brow furrowed as his eyes flit over me and Steel before his face turns to stone.
“And this is my dad, Greg,” I say, resigning myself to what is happening.
“Sir,” Steel says, offering his hand again.
My father ignores him, instead turning to me and saying, “Who is this?”
“Kayden,” I hesitate before adding, “my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend? Why haven’t we heard about any boyfriend?” He looks at Steel and stares, his eyes boring into him.
“Why don’t you join us,” I say, gesturing to the table.
“I can get you some drinks,” Steel says.
“That’s not necessary,” my dad says.
I turn to sit back at the table, and take Steel’s hand. Once we’re seated beside one another, I turn my head to look at my parents. They look back at me for a moment, before sitting down across from us at the table.
None of us speaks. My mother’s lips are pursed and my father looks as though his head might explode.
They ignore Steel and speak to me as though he wasn’t sitting at the table with us.
“What’s going on, Emily?” my father says.
“Steel and I are getting something to eat before we see a movie.”
“Steel?” my father says. Oops.
“It’s his nickname.”
My father rolls his eyes.
“Is this some kind of prank?” my mother says.
“No, Mom, this is not a prank. This is the man I’m in a serious relationship with.”
“Since when?” She says.
I shrug. “A few months now. Since October.”
“Dear Jesus, he’s that fucking carny, isn’t he?” my father says, slapping the table with his hand.
My body flinches — I’ve never heard him say the F word in my life, let alone directing it at me.
We’re Not Going to Take It
(STEEL)
Emily flinches at her father’s words, and I put my arm around her to comfort her. This wasn’t how I’d pictured being introduced to her parents, but at least they finally know about me.
“We met at the carnival, yes. Now Steel lives here.”
“Oh, and what does he do now?” Her dad says.
“He’s looking for a job.”
“I’ve been picking up lots of day work until I figure out something permanent,” I say.
Her dad’s eyes shift to me and then back to Emily.
“How old is he?”
“Twenty-seven,” I say.
Her father ignores me, and says, “I’m not going to sit here and watch my twenty-year-old daughter throw her life away with some degenerate.”
“I’m an adult, Dad.”
“I don’t care how old you are, no self-respecting woman goes around with his kind.”
“It’s not safe,” her mom whispers. Does she think I can’t hear her?
“Emily, why are you disrespecting yourself like this?” Her dad says.
“You know he’s sitting right here, right? You could talk to him, you know.”
Her dad looks at me with disgust. Papa Smurf wasn’t kidding about the rest of the world hating on us.
“You don’t have to do this, you know. Whatever point you’re trying to make has been made,” her dad says.
“The only point I’m trying to make is that I want you all to get along,” Emily says.
“We can’t have him in our house for dinner, he’ll steal something. That’s probably how he got his nickname. Does he have a criminal re
cord?”
“Give me a break, he’s not a thief. Maybe if you actually talked to him, you’d find out what a great guy he is.”
“Get real, Emily, he’s a slimy carnie,” he says.
Unfuckingbelievable.
“Listen to yourself. I can’t believe how rude you’re being,” Emily says, leaning across the table.
I stroke down her arm and pull her elbow until she’s sitting straight again. I let go of her and roughly scratch my temple before resting my hand on her arm. It’s best if she stays calm.
“You listen to me,” her father says. “I’m not going to sit by and watch my daughter do something stupid like turn into a carny’s whore.”
Enough.
“Sir, I can sit here and listen to you insult me all day long. Ain’t nothing I never heard before. But don’t think I’m going to sit here for one second and listen to you insult Emily,” I say, my voice steady and forceful.
Her mother visibly recoils. I’m tempted to say ‘boo’ to her, but she’d fall off her chair.
“What? That’s supposed to mean something to me?” Her dad says, his nostrils flaring.
“It means you’re sitting here lecturing your daughter about having some respect for herself, so where’s yours?”
“My what?”
“Respect for her. Because all I’m hearing is disrespect. And I’d got to tell you, she’s worth more respect than anyone I’ve ever known.”
Emily starts weeping, and I pull her into my arms. I don’t give a fucking damn about her parents. I don’t think I’ll ever give a damn about them. They don’t even want to have a polite conversation with me? Fuck them.
All that matters now is her. This is crushing her, I can tell. It’s everything she’s been stressing about come true.
“Are you okay, Goldie?” I say into her ear, my voice low.
She sobs harder against my chest. I blot out everything else, her parents, the food court, the mall, everything except her.
“Do you want to stay, or do you want me to get you out of here? It’s up to you.”
Emily’s mother starts to speak without even attempting to lower her voice, “Oh, dear God, she said she was going to stay at Courtney’s tonight, Greg.”
Carnal: Pierced and Inked Page 9