“Nothing.”
He leans on the car beside me. “I’ve known you a long time, buddy, this ain’t nothing. You are fucking pissed. Look at you, your face is so hard, you’re scaring people away.”
“Good.”
“Is it that new pussy you were telling me about?”
“Go fuck yourself.”
“Is that a no?”
I exhale sharply. I can’t even figure out what it is. Or if this is about Piper or not. Sure, she’s great, but now I’ve got all these fucking feelings for Avery that I never wanted to have, and I don’t know how I can have both of them.
I swore up and down when Piper was put in my arms that first day that I wouldn’t expose her to a string of relationships. That I wouldn’t be like my mother. I had a different daddy every month. Sometimes every week. None of them lasted. None of them gave a damn about me.
I wasn’t going to repeat that with a string of women. At least not in my house. My pussy and my child would be kept far apart.
But before now, I could never see myself with anything but a string of women. How could any man be happy with just one? As far as I was concerned, all I wanted to do was bend them over my car and have a little fun for the night.
“You going to say anything?” Marcus asks.
“Nope.”
“Whatever is going on, you need to lighten up.”
“Lighten up?” I repeat, my lip snarled.
“Yeah man, you always take life so seriously. Stop denying yourself for once. Loosen up and enjoy things.”
“I have a kid, I can’t.”
Marcus laughs, “Piper’d probably thank you for not being such an uptight bastard. And so would I.”
I grunt, my back muscles tense with the situation.
“I thought you were fucking her today. Did it fall through?”
Against my will, a smile forms on my face.
“You dog. Was she as good as you thought she’d be? Did you get your cock down the bitch’s throat?”
Just as fast, the smile vanishes.
“Shut your fucking mouth,” I snap, unwilling to hear him talk about Avery like that.
“Touchy. Sounds like it’s more than a little fuck to me.”
“I’m going home.”
Without waiting for Marcus to leave, I shut my hood, open my car door, get in and start the engine.
I have a thirty-minute drive to figure out what to say to Avery when I get home.
Avery
“Like I said, one Law & Order is enough. We’re watching something else.”
“But the deal was I help with the dishes and we can watch it,” Piper says, pouting.
After Knox left, we finished our supper at a slower pace, chatting about all sorts of things. But I was too chicken to go anywhere near the subject of her mother. Piper didn’t bring it up, so I left it alone.
When we finished eating, Piper left the room. My mother would’ve killed me if I did that. I hauled her back and told her we were watching the news channel all night unless she helped me clean everything up. And I may have lectured her on helping her father out more.
“We did watch Law & Order, it just finished. Now we’re going to watch something else. How about Community?”
“Fine,” she grumbles. Sometimes I see a lot of Knox in her.
“You can pick the episode,” I say as a peace offering.
Piper takes the remote and scrolls through Hulu until she finds the episode she wants. It’s the first paintball fight, one of my favorites. And apparently one of Knox’s. Figures we’d have the same favorite TV show of all time. And favorite band. I wonder what else there is.
We just watched the paintball episode when I was here on Thursday. That night was easy, too. Being in this house is too comfortable. With both Knox and Piper.
Forget comfortable, who am I kidding? I like being here. I like them. I want to hang out with them both.
But like I’ve been telling myself all day, I have to remember this is about sex.
I don’t know how to make it only about sex when Knox does things like invite me over for dinner and defend me against internet trolls. How? This isn’t fair. And it’s never going to work.
Because the more time I spend with him, naked or not, the more time I want to spend with him.
Why did I get myself into this situation. The more I sit here, rolling it around in my mind, the more upset I become. Tears prick my eyes, and I pretend to laugh so I can wipe them away without Piper noticing.
I’m not cut out for a fuck-buddy arrangement. I can’t keep my feelings separate. It’s never going to be enough for me, and it’s better I end it now, before my feelings get even stronger.
It will hurt far less.
Shutting my door on the most amazing sex ever is going to be difficult and require every ounce of my willpower, but I have no choice. I can’t let my heart get involved any more than it already is, because I know I would be crushed. Knox made it clear, no relationship. And here I am, not even a week later, wanting more from him than just his body.
I have no choice.
Piper put the next Community episode on, the conclusion to the paintball episode. I glance at my watch, it’s almost seven thirty, Knox should be home any minute. I’m not sure I can face him now.
“Wow, I just had this crazy brainstorm of ideas for my book,” I say without looking at Piper. Does she still think I’m writing a book? “I need to get going so I can write them all down before I forget. Your dad will be home in a minute, are you all right if I go now?” I force as much enthusiasm into my voice as possible.
“Of course. I’m almost in high school. Remember?” Piper says.
I don’t know if it’s wrong to leave her, but it’s only for a few minutes. Knox will be home soon. And if I’m here when he gets home, I know there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to hide my feelings. Piper would get a full display, and I can’t do that. It’s too important to him.
“Great, thanks,” I say, and stand to leave.
“Avery?”
“Yeah?”
“How important is it to follow your dreams?”
I turn back to face her, and say, “It’s the most important thing a thirteen-year-old girl can do.”
“Really? So I should do whatever I can to make my dreams come true?”
“Absolutely.”
“Thanks. Good night.”
“See you later,” I say, and leave.
As soon as I shut my door, the rumble of Knox’s car comes down the street. My heart pounding, I go upstairs without turning the lights on.
It’s only seven thirty, so I hide away in my fake bedroom. At my desk, I scroll through all my new comments. There are a few new ones, fans telling me how much they appreciate my advice. One is from someone saying how much they like the unbreakable feather. One is under the annoying your partner video I made about Nathan’s stupid noises.
Hung like a Unicorn: u were more annoying than that, stupid bitch
I stare at the comment. It’s stupid and childish and I don’t feel threatened by it. But it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realize Hung like a Donkey has taken the new name Hung like a Unicorn. If he makes any more, I’ll report him again.
I can’t bring myself to do any real work, instead I mess around on social media. Darla is also online and when she notices I’m online, she FaceTimes me.
“Hey, babe. Knox come around today?”
For a second I warm at the memory of this morning, but I quickly recover. I have to steel myself against him. Knowing Darla, she’d tell me to toughen up and embrace the fuck-buddy lifestyle.
“Let’s not talk about him right now,” I say.
“Fine, because guess what? I’ve got gossip for you. Nathan’s fiancée left him.”
“Really? That was quick. Smart cookie.”
“But get this, word on the street is she left because he’s shit in bed. A friend of a friend told me she said, and I quote, ‘How did you live with an internet sex ad
visor for so many years and not learn a goddamn thing about a woman’s body?’ End quote. Can you believe it?” Darla says, and dissolves into a fit of laughter.
I laugh as well, a great belly laugh that relieves all of the tension I’ve built up over Knox. I’m in tears, and we both laugh and laugh.
Grabbing a Kleenex, I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. “Shut up,” I manage to say.
“And the now ex-fiancée is telling everyone she knows.”
“I can’t say I disagree with her. If she needs someone to back her up, send her to my Facebook page.”
“How were you with him so long?”
“I know, I know. Okay? I’m an idiot.”
“Oh well, it’s in the past. Now you’ve got that sex machine to keep you happy.”
“Yep,” I say, trying to keep the laughter going. I’m not ready to talk to her about Knox.
We spend the next twenty minutes making fun of Nathan before Darla’s boy toy arrives and we end the call.
My mind is clear enough now that I can focus on work, and I throw myself into the endless task of editing, planning and keeping track of finances. I debate taking the unicorn video down, but it’s had over a quarter million shares already and is one of my fastest videos to ever get to that many shares. I’m making a killing on ad revenue in it, so I leave it up.
No matter how stupid I now realize it is. I have to be more disciplined. No more hurried, unplanned videos.
In the morning, I wake up early and sleepwalk to the kitchen for some coffee. The doorbell rings. Tying my housecoat belt around me, I make my way to the door on shaky legs, knowing full well it’s Knox.
I take a deep breath, open the door, and say the words I practiced over and over in my head while lying in bed earlier, “This arrangement isn’t working for me. We have to stop. The…”
Knox’s hands are on my hips, and he backs me into the house as I try to speak. His mouth covers mine, swallowing my words. His kiss is charged, and sends a jolt of electricity through me, grounding me to the floor.
He pulls his lips away, and says, “It’s not working for me either.”
Knox
“What?” Avery asks, her voice barely audible.
“The whole drive home last night, I was looking forward to seeing you. To find you in my living room, waiting for me. When you weren’t there, I knew I couldn’t ignore this any longer.”
“This?”
“Yes, this,” I say, hating saying what I’m feeling out loud. “Whatever it is that’s between us.”
Avery closes her eyes and swallows. I nudge her deeper into the house and close the front door. She hasn’t said anything yet, nothing that lets me know what she’s thinking.
Maybe I’m making too many assumptions. I drop my arms from her, and walk towards the kitchen.
“Coffee,” I say, it isn’t a question.
Avery still doesn’t say anything as she follows me into her kitchen. Since when was she ever quiet? I don’t like it.
I go through her cupboards and make two cups of coffee. Her kitchen is hideously ugly and out of date. Instead of setting them on the kitchen table, I carry them into her living room and set them on the coffee table.
On autopilot, she follows me back to the living room.
“Sit,” I say, gesturing to the couch.
Avery sits on the leather armchair.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” I ask.
“I… you surprised me. I had to tell you this morning that I can’t do our arrangement.”
“I already told you I don’t want that either.”
“I’m not sure what you want. A relationship? What about Piper?”
Piper. It’s true, I don’t know what to do about her.
“I really wish you’d sit with me on the couch.”
I let my words hang in the air. With a tense jaw, Avery moves from her chair to the couch, our shoulders grazing.
“You really want a relationship?” she asks, staring at the blank TV screen.
“Yeah, I do. I want you in my bed every morning and at my table every night.”
“Would it be a secret from Piper?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Since Piper was born, I’ve never had a relationship. A girlfriend.”
I let the word girlfriend sink in. I’ve spent my whole adult life avoiding having one. And not once have I ever been tempted to have one. But with Avery, I can’t help myself. I need this woman. In all of my life, not just my bed.
“You haven’t had a girlfriend in all these years?”
Ignoring her question, I say, “Maybe we don’t say anything. She can draw her own conclusions. Besides, we’ll let this develop as it’s going to develop.”
“You think? Piper will want answers.”
“She won’t. She’s been trying to get us together since you moved in.”
“Really?”
“Piper constantly told me how much you liked me,” I say, sliding my arm around Avery.
“Yeah. She did the same to me.”
“See? She’ll be fine. Happy, even.” I hope.
“I didn’t know you felt the same way. I really thought I had to end this today.”
“No chance, baby. I’d never let that happen.”
Avery smiles and rolls her bottom lip in her teeth. Unable to resist, I take her chin in my hand, and tilt her head to me. I brush my lips against her cheek and onto her full lips.
She kisses me back softly, before turning her head away and saying, “You really haven’t had a girlfriend in thirteen years.”
Resigned, I say, “Almost fourteen.”
“Since I’m your girlfriend now, I’m going to pry. Not because I’m nosy. But because, like I tell my viewers, the better I know you, the better our relationship will be.”
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Are you always going to analyze me with your advice? Because believe me, I’m going to show you how wrong a lot of your videos are.”
“Ah! They are not.”
“Eating you out in the shower?”
“Okay fine, but that’s only one.”
I lean into her ear, and say, “Yet. I’ll show you more. Be patient.“
“I am being patient, but now you have to stop ignoring the question.”
“I forgot what the question was.”
“Why no girlfriends?”
“Because. My mother had a string of boyfriends when I was growing up. Not a string, more like a revolving door. I hated it and promised Piper when she was a baby that I wouldn’t do it to her.”
Avery runs her fingers over my arm, looks me in the eyes and says, “Sorry.”
Holding her eyes captive, I say, “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“I mean, it must’ve been so hard, denying yourself for so long.”
I smirk, and say, “Trust me, I wasn’t denying myself at all.”
“Oh,” she says, leaning away, “Is that why the condoms? Because if you have something, you have to tell me. I mean it.”
Pulling her back to me, this time tight against me, I say, “I’m clean. I even have the paperwork to show it.”
“Then what’s with the condoms? Most men beg and lie not to use them. We don’t even need to use them, and you insist.”
“It’s trust.”
“What? You don’t believe me when I say I have an IUD in? Do you want me to show you the paperwork to prove it?”
“It’s not that.”
“But if I’m going to be your girlfriend, don’t you want to be bare inside me? To feel your skin against mine,” she says in her sultriest voice.
It’s almost enough to throw her down on the couch and fuck her bareback right now.
Almost.
“I do. Trust me,” I say.
Avery sits up straight, her brow creased.
“So, what’s the deal? Are you going to tell me.”
My throat tightens at the question. I should’ve known changing our relationship status would mean discussions like this. I’m
not sure I like it.
Avery tucks her hair behind her ear, still looking at me for answers. Her eyes trace my face, and I figure I owe her an explanation. At least I get this out of the way. The thing I’ve never talked about in years.
I clear my voice, and say, “When I was twenty one, I met this chick in a bar. We hooked up, and it became a pretty regular thing for a few months. Brandi, her name was Brandi. She told me she was on the pill. Great news, right? All the bareback fucking I wanted. Until she told me she was pregnant.”
Avery sits up straighter, and leans her body against mine, “Piper?”
“Yeah. Turns out I wasn’t the only guy she was fucking. I knew she was seeing someone else. Which was fine, it was casual between us. God knows I had enough other women going on. But I spent the entire fucking nine months not knowing if the baby was mine or not.”
I can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. I’ve never said them before, and now I’ve started, they keep on coming. The more I speak, I lighter I feel.
“That’s rough.”
“Over the months, she told me she was sure it was the other guy’s, and that they were in love and going to get married and raise the baby. When the baby was born, the guy demanded a paternity test. Turns out Piper was mine. Brandi stuck her in my arms and said she was marrying the other guy anyway, and that he wasn’t going to raise a kid who wasn’t his. She walked away, and that’s the last time I ever saw her.”
“That’s it? Not even any notice or time for you to prepare?”
“Prepare? I spent most of the nine months thinking it was his. At most I thought I’d have to pay child support. You stick a baby in the arms of a twenty-two-year-old guy, and suddenly I was a father? What the fuck did I know about babies? All I knew was cars and partying.”
Avery
I’m still stunned. During my restless night of being torn between wanting Knox to come ravage me in the morning and having to end our arrangement, I never believed there was a third option with Knox. I refused to even consider the idea of a real relationship. An idea I wanted so badly, but refused to consider because I never once thought it could come true.
And yet, here we are. Together on my couch, with Knox opening up to me about his life. I lean into him a little harder.
Carnal: Pierced and Inked Page 31