“Dinner’s almost ready. How was your day?” I asked her.
“It was good, but it seemed like it was never going to end. One of the secretaries under me called in sick, and we were already spread thin with the project we were working on. My boss seemed to be in a particularly bad mood today, but he was in meetings this afternoon, and I didn’t have to be there. So I was able to use the last half of the day to catch up. I’m starved, though. I worked through lunch.”
“You need to stop doing that,” I said. “You don’t really eat enough as it is. Didn’t you take a sandwich with you? You don’t even have to heat that up!”
“I know. I’ll do better, but I just get caught up in things and the time gets away.”
I looked at her, feeling more like the parent than the son at the moment. “It’s just that, it doesn’t sound like anyone there is looking out for you, so you need to make sure that you do. I’ve only got one mother. I want to keep you around.” She didn’t say anything after that. I tried to lighten the mood by giving my sincerest smile. She smiled back and started eating.
This was not a normal conversation for us. I wasn’t in the habit of telling her what to do, and I’m not usually this much of a downer. I mean, it’s not like I’m wispy, or say a class clown, but I do try to be positive and enjoy my life. I take pride on being able to deal with every challenge that comes my way. Today just felt a little heavier than usual. Tomorrow I may be able to put it into perspective, but today it felt like it was more than a little rejection. When you feel like you know what someone is like, and you get blind-sided like that, it tends to leave a mark. Nicole is someone I could really see myself being with. I felt like something had ended before it even had a chance to begin.
I was suddenly lost in thought. Five minutes passed in silence, before my mother looked up and said, “I didn’t even ask you about your day. Did you have a good day?”
“It was okay,” I said. I didn’t make eye contact and she noticed.
“What happened? Was Mike getting on your nerves today?”
“You could say that.”
“Tell me. I can’t help if you don’t let me know what goes on in your life.”
“It’s nothing, really. I…I tried talking to a girl today. I thought it was going well, but all of a sudden she was yelling at me and calling me a class clown.”
“Why would she call you a class clown?” she asked. “You’re not a class clown. Were you being silly in class?”
“No, it was a little bit of a misunderstanding. I was daydreaming a little, and Mike startled me. I jumped and the whole class noticed. Then, as I was leaving, Mike tripped me. She noticed both times and now she thinks I’m a clown. And…I think she called me a loser.”
“Sweetie, you are not a loser,” she reassured. “You are an amazing young man. You are handsome, and smart and a good person.”
“Thanks, mom, but all mothers tell their kids that.”
“Only the good mothers,” she said with a smile. “Every parent should feel that way about their kids, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. You have so much to offer, and I am very proud of you.” She walked over and kissed me on the forehead.
“Now, I’m not condoning what this girl said, and I don’t know anything about her, but she may have been having a bad day. It’s easy to be angry at her, but you’ll be happier if you forgive her and move on.”
I knew she was trying to help, but she wasn’t there, and she didn’t see how Nicole treated me. I smiled at her. “Thanks.”
“As for Michael,” she continued, “that boy has way too much time on his hands. What that boy has going on in his head sometimes…” she said, shaking her head. “He has no business tripping you in class. His sense of humor needs to be reeled in a bit. I’m glad you have better common sense than he does. I know he’s not a bad kid, really, but he needs to start thinking about his future.”
“I said just about the same thing to him today.”
“Good,” she said. “He listens to you. Maybe you’ll help straighten that boy out yet.”
I didn’t know what to say. She was right, but I didn’t really want to have this conversation with my mother. Maybe it was my mood but I think that, even in the best of moods, I wouldn’t want to discuss the fault list of my best friend with my mother. True or not. “I’m going to do the dishes and then I’m going to head up to bed.”
She looked at me, so sadly, with her forehead crinkled up. “I’ll do the dishes. Get some rest. You’ll feel better in the morning.” She paused for a moment, and then added, “Don’t let this girl get you down. She’s one girl. If she doesn’t appreciate you, someone else will.”
“Thanks mom,” I said, with my best fake smile. I said good night and turned and left the room.
I went to the bathroom, washed up, brushed my teeth and went to my room. In my room, I undressed, turned out the lights and crawled under my covers. I felt so beaten down that I thought I would be asleep in no time. There I was, though, staring at the dark ceiling an hour later.
You know, when you’re a kid you learn lots of sayings to help you cope with the cruel things other kids can do. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” In the end, that’s not really true. Well, sticks and stones may break my bones, but names hurt, too. More specifically, names hurt when cast by people you care about, in one way or another. I don’t really know Nicole that well, but I obviously care enough that her words hurt.
Tomorrow I will need to get over this, but tonight I couldn’t help dwelling on it a little more. I guess that’s my way of getting over things. I like to really think about something, go over all of the scenarios, try to resolve it in my mind and then move on. That’s where I am right now. Trying to resolve it in my mind.
If Mike hadn’t made me jump, and if he hadn’t tripped me, would the result have been different with Nicole? Maybe. Well, probably. At the very least, she wouldn’t have called me a class clown. Nothing has happened prior to today, in any of our classes, that would have given her reason to think I’m a goof-off.
Would that really have made a difference, though? Probably not. She said she had already been asked out twice today, and she seemed pretty bothered by the way those conversations had gone. I don’t really get it. I would be flattered to have anyone ask me out. To have three people ask me out in the same day…wow!
Anyway, she obviously was bothered by it. If Mike hadn’t tripped me, she probably would have said no, but maybe she would have been nicer about it. Then again, maybe not.
Sometimes, I wish I were more like Mike. Maybe I should rephrase that. I wish, sometimes, that I actually had the confidence that Mike projects. He does not have a lot of confidence. On the surface, he looks like he has confidence coming out his ears. He does that more as a defense mechanism. If he acts cocky, maybe nobody will notice that he is insecure.
Mike comes from a home life somewhat similar to mine. I wouldn’t change places with him any day, though. We both are only children living with single moms. The main difference between our lives is because of our moms. Don’t get me wrong, I love his mom. She is always nice to me, and I feel like I am part of their family.
Mike’s mom, Diana, is the party mom. When Mike wants to have a party, Diana always lets him have them at her house. She would rather have the kids get a little out of control where she can see them. I think she likes being the cool mom who relates to the kids.
She lets Mike do whatever he wants, though. Mike knows his dad, but he’s not a big part of his life. His mom tries to overcompensate by being his friend. He isn’t abusive toward his mom, but he pushes her buttons to get what he wants. He knows how to work her, and she just goes along with it.
It’s not like I think parents shouldn’t be friends with their kids, but really, they need to be parents most of the time. As much as I like Diana, I wouldn’t want her to be my mother. Maybe I realize this because I see the difference between Diana and my mother.
My
mother and I get along very well. You could say that we are friends, but when she needs to be a parent, she is. I don’t really ever get into trouble, so my mother doesn’t usually have to play the ‘parent’ role too often. Don’t think for a minute that she wouldn’t put me in my place if I got out of line, though. My mother usually tells me that I act older than my years show, and that I need to remember to enjoy my high school years. I feel like she has prepared me, the best she knows how, for the real world. I think I’ve turned out pretty good.
You know, I guess that’s what really bothered me about Nicole calling me a clown. She hurt my pride. I am proud of the fact that I am responsible. It’s like, her calling me a clown has taken something away from who I am. I’m not going to let her change that for me. If I were her, I would never treat someone like that. If Nicole were a guy, then maybe she could see how hard it was asking girls out. She doesn’t have to like me, but someday she’ll see what I’m about. Someday she’ll see she was wrong. Someday she’ll learn that being friends with Mike doesn’t make me Mike.
I have nothing left for the day. I’ve been staring at the ceiling for what seems like forever, searching for answers. I don’t know if I’ve found any answers, but I think I’m ready to find the back of my eyelids. I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning, but it couldn’t be worse than today.
DAY 1
I must have tossed and turned all night, because the morning hit me like a lead brick. I felt myself coming slowly out of a dream, and I felt strange. Something was pushing against my chest, and something was tickling my neck. My bed felt softer, too. I obviously didn’t sleep very well. My head was foggy, like it was in the clouds. I was rolling over in bed when I jolted awake. No more haze. Something was wrong. I had my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling. But it wasn’t my ceiling. I darted up in bed and looked around. Nothing was right. Everything was pink and yellow and white and I didn’t recognize a single thing. There was a dresser to my left with a large, oval mirror on it.
That’s about the time that I screamed. At least I think it was me. I saw the mouth in front of me open and I felt the scream, but it wasn’t my voice. The reflection in the mirror didn’t belong to me either. It was Nicole. I looked to my left and then I looked to my right. No Nicole. I looked down. This was not my body and I don’t wear nightshirts. I was Nicole.
I jumped out of bed, but I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was looking all around me trying to figure out what was going on. How could this be happening? Wait. Was I still dreaming? No, this didn’t feel like a dream. I was completely cognizant of what was going on around me. Just because it didn’t make any sense didn’t mean I couldn’t tell the difference between dream and reality. No, this was something else.
I started to tell myself to slow down, but my heart was beating like someone was playing the drums on my chest. Deep breaths. Take deep breaths, Jake. Think. If I am in Nicole’s body, then…where is my body? And, where is Nicole? Wait. If I’m in her body, maybe she’s in my…how is this even possible?
I needed to find her…I mean me…I mean…ugh! If I were her…well, actually I am her. Focus! If she was in my body, she would be freaked out like me, and she wouldn’t want to stick around an unfamiliar place. She would probably go looking for me. But would she know where to find me? Would she assume I was in her body? Would that even be a normal thing to assume? Wait, the school! Maybe she’d go to the school. It was worth a shot! I needed to get dressed and head for school.
It seemed like it had been hours that I had been trying to sort this out, but it must have been just seconds. As I started looking around for clothes that I could wear, a woman came barging into the room. She was almost the same height as me and I could tell instantly that it was Nicole’s mother. She was an older version of Nicole in so many ways. She was blonde, though her hair was shorter than Nicole’s. She had the same capturing eyes that probably came alive when she smiled. Only, she wasn’t smiling. She looked worried.
“Nikki, what’s wrong?” she choked.
“Sorry, I…had a bad dream…and I just realized I’m late for school,” I said.
“You don’t usually wake up for another half hour. It’s six in the morning.” Her voice was calming now that she knew I was okay.
I didn’t know what to say. “I…wanted to get there early today.”
She started walking into the bedroom toward the dresser. “Well then, let me help you. I wanted to talk to you this morning anyway.”
“Oh…okay. About what?” I asked.
She was walking and talking and acting like this was perfectly normal, while I was jumping out of my skin…well, Nicole’s skin…trying to get myself out of here without tipping her off. She laid out clothes on the bed and walked toward an attached dressing area. She pulled a brush out of a drawer, turned around and looked at me curiously. I was out of place and it felt obvious.
“Are you okay?” she questioned.
“Um…yeah…sorry. I’m a little out of sorts this morning. I don’t think I slept very well.”
I turned back toward the bed to the stack of clothes she laid out, and she sat down on the bed. She was talking, I was nodding, occasionally adding an “uh-huh,” and thinking about how to do this. I would never change in front of my mother. Is this one of those things that girls are perfectly comfortable with? She wasn’t making any attempt to leave and I told her I was in a hurry to get to school. Okay, I would start undressing, and if she gave me a funny look, I would have to improvise.
I was wearing a white nightshirt that had pink flowers all over it. It went down to mid-thigh. I began taking the nightshirt off slowly, listening for a pause in Nicole’s mother’s talking. She continued, so I did the same. I was standing there in white, ankle-high socks, pink underwear and nothing else. Nicole seemed to really like pink, I thought. I started to look at the clothes on the bed when it suddenly occurred to me…I was looking down at Nicole’s…boobs, breasts, whatever is the right thing to call them. I had about a second to note how nice they looked before it occurred to me that I should close my mouth before Nicole’s mother noticed me ogling at Nicole’s body.
Okay, there was a bra, a shirt and a skirt on the bed. No socks and no underwear. I was wearing underwear, so I was good there. I reached for the bra to try and figure out how to put it on. I’ve seen my mother’s bras before, but I’ve never tried to put one on. It didn’t seem that complicated. I put my arms through the big loops and put the cups up to my chest. Wait. It was inside out. I took it off, turned it around and tried again. I had it over my shoulders, cups in place and I was trying to fasten the back. I was very obviously lacking coordination here, but Nicole’s mother didn’t seem too suspicious. She seemed to be very aware at this point that I was having a rough morning. She continued talking as she motioned her finger in a circle, for me to turn around. She fastened the bra and I reached for the shirt when she caught my attention.
“I mean, I can understand your frustration with the other two boys, Nikki, but you didn’t say anything about that third boy that was worth treating him like that. He didn’t know the other boys had asked you out did he?”
“Uh…no, he didn’t,” I said quietly. She was talking about me. Nicole had gone home and talked to her mother about me. What did she say about me? I started putting the shirt on as she continued.
“Sweetie, I know it’s hard being the pretty girl, but sometimes you have to try and consider where other people are coming from. You are a smart, funny, beautiful girl who has everything going for her. A guy would be crazy not to want to be with you.
“Now, I don’t expect you to say yes to all of these boys. In fact, I would prefer if you didn’t,” she said with a smile. “But, there is a big difference between saying no and being cruel. Sometimes it’s better just to say ‘no thank you’ and let them leave with their pride.”
I didn’t really know what to say. I agreed with her. I thought Nicole was cruel yesterday, and I didn’t think it was necessary at all
. I was already starting to like this lady. I wished Nicole were actually here to hear what she was telling me. As far as I was concerned, she was preaching to the choir.
“You know,” she continued, “when I was your age, I didn’t have a lot of boys even asking me out. My mother used to tell me that it was because I was so pretty that the boys were just…afraid to ask me out. So, when someone who seemed nice did ask me out, I considered it.”
She was looking at me, and I guessed that I needed to respond with something that Nicole would say. But I didn’t really know what she would say. “I see your point, but I felt like he was being a clown and I didn’t feel like dealing with him. Would you?”
“No, probably not. And I don’t know this kid. But, I think it was far from appropriate to say the things you said to him yesterday. You seemed so angry yesterday, and you seemed to be proud of yourself for putting him off.”
“Really?” I asked. Did Nicole really seem proud of herself?
“Really. I don’t want to say too much more, because I think I’ve made my point. I love you and you’re a good kid. Just know that your father and I have worked very hard our entire lives to provide you with every opportunity in life. We expect you to be an example to others. Don’t let others walk all over you, but show compassion when you can.
In My Shoes Page 2