“Oh, thanks Diana, but I have a friend waiting for me in the car. I just stopped by to pick up my homework assignments from Mike. I was sick yesterday and asked him to get my work.”
“Okay, sweetie. Are you feeling better?”
“Mostly, but I’m sure I’ll be back to normal soon.” I really, really hope I’ll be back to normal soon.
“Well, feel better. Mike’s still asleep, but I’m sure you could have guessed that.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I’ll just be a minute.”
That went pretty well. I headed right down the hall and opened the first door on my right. I knew it was the right room immediately. One, there were posters of women in skimpy bathing suits all over his walls. I mean seriously, do guys still do that? Second, the room was a disaster. How does his mom let him keep his room like this? Third, there was Mike lying in the middle of his bed, sheets kicked off, with only a pair of purple bikini briefs on. Not exactly a sight I wanted to see.
“Mike.” No answer. “Mike, wake up!” He tossed a little and peeked at me from underneath his eyelids. “Dude, where’s my homework? Did you grab it like I asked?”
“I thought you told me to bring it by today,” he said, half asleep.
“I did, but I decided to come by and get it. Is it here?”
“Yeah, it’s in my backpack…over there.” He pointed to his backpack. I grabbed it and tossed it on the bed for him.
He squinted up at me, sat up and started going through the backpack. “What, are you still mad at me?”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just in a hurry.”
“You know, if I’d known that you were going to ask Nicole out, I would’ve been cool. I was just trying to have a little fun with you, and I was bored. You looked like you were lost in space, and I thought it would be funny to make you jump.” He kind of laughed to himself. “And…well, I don’t really know why I tripped you. Seemed funny at the time.”
So, Jake wasn’t goofing around. Okay, so now I feel a little more like a jerk. I was kind of irritated at Mike now, though. I tried to control the edge to my voice. “It’s fine. Just don’t do it again, alright?”
“Cool. So, why didn’t you tell me you were going to ask her out? I could have kept it on the DL.”
Whatever that means. “Yeah, not a chance.”
He smiled and handed me my homework. “That’s all of it. Oh, but wait, what was up with yesterday? Dude she flashed me her ta-tas, and next thing I know you guys were gone.”
Great. I should have expected this. “Dude, what are you talking about?” I’ve got to convince him it didn’t happen.
“Dude, her melons, you know,” he cupped his hands up in front of his chest, “her boobies!”
I swear, this kid must be in third grade. “So, you are trying to tell me that Nicole Evans showed you her boobs?”
“Yeah! Dude you were there. Don’t tell me you didn’t see it. You were having an argument with her and then all of a sudden she called my name and flashed me. It was awesome! I don’t know what happened next, but I was on the floor and you guys were gone.”
“Dude, I wasn’t at school yesterday. Remember? And I can tell you without a doubt that Nicole Evans would not flash you. She doesn’t even like you.” This was pretty much true, since Jake was technically the one who flashed Mike, and although I don’t really know him, I can already tell I don’t like him.
“Dude, why are you frontin’? I can even describe them to you if you want.”
Great, that’s all I need. “No thanks, I’m good on this side of your universe,” I said. “Look Mike, I wasn’t at school yesterday. You said you woke up on the ground. Maybe you hit your head and imagined it.”
He stopped for a minute. “Man, I’m sure it happened.” He didn’t seem so sure all of a sudden.
“Dude, I’ve gotta go. Enjoy your dream. It seems like a good one. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Wait. Where are you going? Why don’t ya hang out.”
“I can’t. I’ve got a ride waiting for me. Sorry.”
“Who gave you a ride?” he asked.
“Nobody you know.”
He got up and started following me out of his room.
“What do mean no one I know, and dude, why are you walking like that?” he said.
I turned to look at him. “Walking like what?”
He was walking toward a window in the front room. “You’re kind of walking like a girl. Wait, is that Nicole Evans out there? Okay, what’s going on here?”
“Nothing’s going on. We are studying today. She called me to apologize for being rude the other day, and we decided to study together. She said she was absent yesterday, too. So, we thought it would be easier to go over what we missed together.”
“You’re not telling me somethin’.”
“Man, Mike, I would love to stay and help you figure this out, but I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Okay, but I want answers Monday,” he said as I walked out the door.
I jumped into the car and told Jake to go.
“How did it go?” Jake asked.
“Great, if that’s how you define a total fiasco.”
“What happened?”
“He wanted to know why I showed him my…ta-tas, and then he wanted to describe them for me.”
Jake cringed. Not a look I’ve seen on me before, but I could tell he was not happy. “I’m REALLY sorry.”
“Well, I tried to convince him that he imagined it, but he’s not letting it go. I don’t want him thinking that I flashed him. If he starts telling others that at school, I will be furious.”
“Maybe we should tell him,” he said.
“No way. Aside from the fact that he will think we are crazy, I don’t think we should tell anyone.”
“Look,” he explained, “if we tell him, he will know you didn’t flash him, and he could help us until this gets straightened out.”
He had a point. “I don’t know. Do you think you can convince him, and moreover, do you think we can trust him?”
“I think so, on both accounts. We will do it together and he can quiz me on things he knows only I know.”
“Well,” I conceded, “I guess it’s worth a try. Not now though. We still have work to do.”
Jake continued driving, heading toward my house. After a few minutes, I broke the silence. “All I can say is if this had to happen to me, I’m glad it wasn’t with Mike.”
“Why?” Jake wondered.
“Because, I don’t speak Cro-Magnon. He says dude every other word. At least you and I are grammatically similar. What does it even mean to ‘keep it on the DL’ anyway?”
“Keep it on the DL?” he said, laughing to himself.
“Yes. Is that funny?”
“No, I’ve just never heard him say that either. It means keep it on the down low. I don’t know what you guys were talking about, but it sounds like he was saying he wouldn’t tell anyone…and don’t believe that for a second. I mean, he’s good with the really important stuff, but anything short of that...”
“Well, he was asking why you didn’t tell him you were going to ask me out on Thursday.”
I could tell I just embarrassed Jake as I saw my cheeks turn rosy. “Oh,” he said, “well I definitely knew better than tell him about that. He would have found some way to torture me over it.”
“So, you were going to ask me out,” I said a little more accusingly than I had intended.
“So what if I was?” he said defensively. “I didn’t have a definite plan. I had decided that I would ask you to study and see where it went from there. Being the nightmare it was, I didn’t end up asking you out.”
“Well, it looks like you got your wish,” I said.
“In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this isn’t how I drew this plan up.”
“No, I guess not.”
“So,” he said, changing the subject, “what else did he say?”
“He asked me why I was walking funny.
That definitely has to be on our to-do list for today. We need to learn how to walk our respective parts.”
“That ought to be fun.”
“Was that sarcasm?” I asked.
“Yeah, that was sarcasm.”
We got to my house around eleven o’clock and Jake pulled the car into the garage. We headed into the house and took our things up to my room. “We have a lot to do today. I think we should start with the walk, since it seems to be the most blaringly obvious problem.
“After that, we’ve got grooming…hair, makeup and,” I said hesitantly, “I need to show you how to shave my legs.”
“Speaking of which, I know the hair on my face doesn’t grow in thick, but it doesn’t look like you shaved today.”
“Sorry, I guess I’m not used to shaving every day, and I’ve never shaved my face, so I guess it slipped my mind.”
“You’ll just look a little ratty by the end of the day. Make sure you shave tomorrow.”
“Sure.”
We put our things on my desk and looked at each other in awkward silence for what seemed like a few minutes. Finally I broke the silence. “So…do you want to go first or shall I?”
“Uh…you can try and fix me first,” he said. “Tell me what I’m doing wrong.”
“Okay! So, when girls walk, we don’t move like a Mack Truck. It might be better if I saw you walk, and then I can tell you what to change.”
He started to walk across the room. “Okay, first, don’t swing your arms so much. Girls usually keep their arms closer to their body. Second, take shorter strides with your legs.”
“Like this?” he said.
“Yes, but it’s still not quite right. Hmmm…Okay, try turning your hips just a little bit while you walk. No, that’s too much. I’m not a Miss America contestant. It’s subtle.”
“Subtle,” he repeated. He walked back and forth across the room several times.
“Better, but you’re not quite there. Girls don’t have a lot of excess motion when we move. We don’t bob our shoulders up and down. It’s flowing and graceful. Remember, short strides, slightly turn your hips in and don’t swing your arms.”
“Like this?” he asked.
“That’s actually pretty good. It’s not quite right, but it’s pretty good. Practice like that for a while.”
“I’m not going to have to wear high heels am I?”
“How often have you seen me in high heels?” I asked, not thinking that he probably didn’t know the answer to that question.
“Umh…Now that you mention, I think maybe once since school started. You do wear some shoes with short heels on them, though.”
“Yes, but those are not hard to walk in. Don’t worry, we’ll pick you out some outfits that you can generally wear sneakers or flats with.”
“Sounds good to me,” he said, seemingly relieved.
He walked around for about fifteen minutes and then stopped. “Okay, I need a break. It’s your turn.”
I got up to take my turn.
“So,” Jake continued, “now that you’ve broken down how to walk like a girl, do you think you get how to walk like a guy?”
Good question. Here goes nothing. “Is it something like this?” I asked as I took my turn walking across the room.
“I sure hope not,” he said laughing. “You’re liable to get me jumped if you do that.”
“Do what?” I asked defensively.
“Wiggle your butt like that. Guys don’t…well, at least I don’t try to wiggle my butt when I walk.”
“Okay, so what do you do?”
“From what I can tell from our little lesson, it looks to me like guys walk more with their upper body, while girls walk more with their lower body.”
“How do you mean?”
“Okay, so when you were showing me how to walk like a girl, you didn’t move your upper body much. Most of your motion was in your legs and hips.”
“Right,” I said, trying to follow him.
“When I walk, most of the motion is in my upper body. I mean, I walk in longer, methodical strides, but I also swing my arms and use my shoulders more.”
I thought about that for a moment, and then I asked him to walk one more time to demonstrate.
“After walking like a girl for so long today, I hope I can do it right,” he said. “Something like…this.”
I gave it a try. “How’s this?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, almost in a defeated tone, “that didn’t really take you very long. It looks right…maybe even better than I do it.”
I smiled. I’m sure he was just trying to be nice. I practiced awhile longer and we moved on to our next item on the list.
“Okay,” I said, “there’s no sense in wasting time having you get in the shower now when you will be taking another shower this evening. I’m going to tell you how to shave my legs, and you can give it a try tonight.”
I explained to Jake how to shave my legs. I was as thorough as I could be, stressing to use care. He seemed to be a little overwhelmed by all of the details, but I wanted him to do it right. I don’t want to get my legs back all cut up.
“My armpits are pretty much the same,” I continued. “Just be careful.”
“Any other areas I need worry about?” he asked sheepishly.
“Don’t even think about it,” I said sharply. “Just stick to what I’ve told you.”
“Okay, got it.”
“Wow,” I said, “I usually don’t get this hungry. Are you hungry?”
“A little, but not as much as I usually am at lunch time. You probably got my appetite with my body.”
“Why don’t we get a bite to eat down stairs, and then we can pick up where we left off.”
We went downstairs and I waited at the kitchen counter. He stopped and looked at me. “Is something wrong?” he asked.
“I think you should get used to acting like this is your house. I mean…for now.” I didn’t particularly like having him get so comfortable with my house. In fact, it kind of made me sad. I really didn’t see any way around it, though.
“Oh, okay,” he said. “What are you hungry for?”
“Whatever you feel like making will be fine,” I said.
“Sandwiches?”
“Sounds good to me,” I replied.
He made a couple of sandwiches and poured both of us a glass of milk. “Thank you,” I said.
“Sure.”
We ate our sandwiches in silence. As I finished my lunch, I turned to him. “Okay, I think we still need to cover makeup and hair today. Depending on how long that takes, we should try to get some studying in before you have movie night with my parents.”
“Can you be here for the movie night?” he asked. “I’m not sure I’m ready to be alone, watching a movie for a few hours with your parents.”
“No,” I replied, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. If you invite me over, my parents will likely think we’re dating.”
“You mean, you don’t know any guys who are just friends?”
“I do, but I don’t have any guy friends who are close enough to invite over to my house for movie night. I almost never invite someone over for movie night. It’s kind of a family thing.”
He looked pretty nervous. “Don’t worry, you’ll do fine. During the movie, we don’t even talk. After the movie is over, we will usually talk for a while about the movie, and how our day was, whatever really. Just don’t go far off the course. They’re not likely to ask you something you couldn’t answer casually. Just try to remember you aren’t answering for a guy’s take on things. I think you know me well enough now to know what kind of things I wouldn’t say.”
“I don’t know,” he recanted, “I think I know most of your habits pretty well from our crash course, but you’re talking about being with your family. That’s seventeen years worth of knowledge that I couldn’t possibly have gained in two days.”
“Yes, but they’re not going to be asking you to recite my childhood history
. Even if they bring up something from my past, they will likely start it with ‘Do you remember the time…’ and you’d just need to nod and let them speak. If you feel you are in trouble, tell them you’re not feeling well, and you’d like to go to bed.”
“I don’t even know the dynamics of your family. I mean, I know who your parents are, and they both seem nice, but I don’t know your mannerisms around them or anything.”
“Okay, you will definitely mess this up if you over think it.”
I probably shouldn’t have said that. He seemed even more uncomfortable now.
“Look, I’m really close with both of my parents, much like you seem to be with your mom. We don’t really have a script. We usually sit on the couch together. Sometimes I sit next to my mom, and sometimes I sit next to my dad. It wouldn’t be uncommon for me to lie on my mom or dad’s shoulder while we watch a movie.”
“Okay, I’m not lying on your dad’s shoulder.”
“I know this is awkward,” I offered, “but you are thinking like a guy right now, and not like me. That’s my family. If you don’t act like they are your family, it will be awkward.”
He stared off into space for a minute, obviously considering the events that might take place tonight. “Okay,” he said with defeat, “I’ll do my best.”
“Thank you. Now, let’s go try and pretty you up.”
“You’re kidding right? I mean, you wake up beautiful. I know, I’ve seen.”
“If you’re trying to butter me up,” I said as I turned away from him, “it’s not going to get you a date when this is all done.” I couldn’t help but smile as I walked up the stairs, but I wasn’t going to let him see that.
“Now, I usually put on my makeup first, but if I’m doing a more extravagant hairstyle, I will do the hair first so I can cool off before I put the makeup on. Because everything is likely to take you longer at first, you should probably do the hair first and then the makeup.”
“Got it.”
“Okay, but since I’m here with you, we are going to start with your makeup. There is one really important rule to remember with makeup…less is more. If you look like you are wearing makeup, you are doing something wrong.
In My Shoes Page 7