In My Shoes

by Stephens, Adrian

I signed my name below his and passed it back.

  “…that your handwriting is nothing like that.”

  “Sorry,” I offered consolingly.

  “That’s alright. I’ll figure it out. Here,” he said cutting the paper in two, “you take mine and I’ll take yours. We’ll practice for a while and compare.”

  We practiced writing each others’ signatures for probably an hour. The longer this whole thing has gone on, the more I’ve felt like I was losing myself. I don’t look like a girl, I don’t sound like a girl and I’m not allowed to walk or act like a girl. Now, I can’t write like a girl. There’s nothing cute about his signature. I mean, the essence of me is sitting next to me, probably feeling the same anxiety as I was, but I was missing being myself, I was missing my family and I was missing my friends.

  I let out a sigh. “Well, I think I’ve got your signature down pretty well. What do you think?”

  “I think it looks pretty good. I don’t think anyone is going to question that is my handwriting. I wish I were doing as well. Look.”

  He had the main form of my signature, but he was missing the fluency. “It’s not terrible, it just looks too rigid. Try relaxing more and go with the flow.”

  “Relax. I can’t relax. I don’t know how to relax. We haven’t even started our homework for tomorrow. I haven’t figured out your handwriting. I don’t know a thing about coordinating your clothes, and…”

  “What?” I asked softly.

  “Nothing,” he said, wiping what seemed like a tear.

  “If you think I can’t relate, you’re wrong. Try me.”

  “I…miss my mom. It’s dumb, but we’re really close.”

  “It’s not dumb,” I countered. “I completely understand. I miss my parents, too.”

  “Yes,” he said patiently, “but you’ve at least gotten to see your parents. I haven’t even seen my mom in three days.”

  “That’s true, but I haven’t been able to spend quality time with them, or hug them or tell them I love them. All I know is this happened for a reason, and we’ve got to do our best at keeping it together until we are right.”

  “I know.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I…I’m just afraid that I’m going to embarrass you.”

  “Well, you might embarrass me. I might embarrass you. All we can do is our best. But, I know you’ll try, and that’s going to have to be good enough. Besides,” I said smiling, “it could be worse. I could have switched with Mike.”

  Jake laughed. “Man, did I get all of your hormones with your body?” he said, wiping away the last of his tears.

  “Ha…ha…ha! I hate to break it to you, but I’m not much of a crier.”

  “Oh great, it’s just me then!”

  “Look, I might have been crying given the circumstances, but hormone jokes aren’t exactly the way to a girl’s good side.”

  “Sorry,” he said.

  “That’s okay. So, I’m going to work on the homework for the classes we share. Why don’t you work on the handwriting more, and when I’m done with our homework, you can copy what I’ve got. Then we can do our individual subjects.”

  “Okay,” he said turning back to the paper.

  “Keep this in mind, my signature isn’t exactly the same twice. It would be better at this point not to try so hard. My signature is light and happy.”

  “Light and happy,” he repeated.

  “Yeah, just don’t try so hard. Now, get back to work!” I said, pretending to sound tough.

  He smiled and went back to work. We managed to get a lot done over the next few hours. I had finally completed both of our physics and English homework and Jake had gotten my handwriting to the passable point…I think.

  “Let’s take a break for a few. We’ve been at it for hours and my eyes are blurry. I know, why don’t I go and put together some outfits for you to wear this week. I’ll put them together in the closet, and then you just have to put them on. That will save me from having to teach you how to coordinate your wardrobe for now.”

  “Good idea.”

  I walked into the closet and started putting outfits together. I wasn’t in there for more than three minutes when my mother walked into the room.

  “Hi, Sweetheart. How’s your studying going?”

  “It’s going well,” Jake said. “We decided to take a break.”

  “So, where’s Jake?” she asked.

  “Uh…I think he went outside to make a phone call.”

  “Oh,” she said. It sounded like she sat on the bed.

  “So, you’ve been spending a lot of time with him. You like him, huh?”

  “Oh, it’s not like that,” Jake offered. “We’re just studying together.”

  “So, you don’t like him?” she pressed.

  “Mom, I don’t have time for boys.”

  “What do you mean you don’t have time for boys?”

  “I…I mean I’m busy with school and trying to get ready for college. I’ll have time for boys later.”

  “Nikki, you’ve never told me this before. Sweetie, I admire your focus and dedication, and your priorities are definitely in order.”

  “Thank you,” he said. I have to say, he was delivering my words pretty well.

  “But Nikki, there’s a big difference between prioritizing your goals and manufacturing your life.”

  There was silence for a few moments.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What I mean is, it’s one thing not to actively pursue boys and it’s another thing to not allow yourself to meet a boy because it doesn’t fit into your schedule.”

  “But if I meet a boy, it could interfere with my studies. Besides, I’ve got plenty of time to meet boys.”

  “Do you? Nikki, this may not be the conversation most mothers have with their kids, but you never know when you are going to meet that someone you are meant to be with. I would hate for you to miss out on meeting the right person because it didn’t fit into your schedule.

  “Now, don’t misunderstand me...your studies should be your highest priority. You have excellent grades, though. I know you won’t let your grades slip because of a boy. Be sure to take any relationship slow. Give it time to develop.”

  My mom laughed. “You know, when I came in here I had intended to tell you to be sure to take it slow with Jake…you know, don’t think you have to spend all of your time with him just because you like him. Somehow, it went from that to sounding like I’m telling you to go out and date.”

  “That’s pretty much what I heard,” Jake said, sounding kind of uncomfortable.

  “That’s really not what I’m trying to say. I’m just saying don’t try and fit your life into some predetermined schedule. Absolutely prepare yourself to go to the best colleges in the country, and when the opportunity comes, take it. Just don’t ignore the rest of your life along the way. It takes time to develop a relationship, and really know if you are meant to be with someone. Let it happen naturally, not on a schedule.”

  “Okay. Thanks…Mom,” he said softly.

  “Will Jake be staying for dinner? We are eating in an hour or so.”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll let you know when he comes back inside.”

  My mother left the room and I worked my way out of the closet. Jake and I both looked at each other, not knowing quite what to say. Jake broke the silence first.

  “I’m sorry. Did I say it wrong? I didn’t expect that conversation at all.”

  “You actually did great. That’s just about exactly what I had told you. I…I just can’t believe that was her reaction.” I didn’t know what else to say, and I’m guessing Jake didn’t either. I obviously had some thinking to do, but I didn’t really want to talk to Jake about it at the moment. There was another long pause before we got ourselves together.

  “Good thinking on telling her I was outside.”

  “Thanks. I couldn’t think of a logical reason why you would be in the closet,” he said.

  “Ye
ah, she already looked at me funny when I was doing your hair yesterday. Hey, do you want to get out of here and spend some time studying at your house? Your mom really wants to meet…well…you, and then you can have a little time in your comfort zone.”

  “Thank you! Yes!” he said as he instantly started packing up his stuff.

  “You’ll need to tell my mom that you are going out and not to expect you for dinner. You’ll have to be home by ten o’clock, since it’s a school night. By the way, what’s your curfew?”

  “My mom is pretty flexible. She mainly just wants to know where I am and that I’m safe. On a school night, she expects me to be home or staying at Mike’s by eleven, unless there are extenuating circumstances.”

  “What kind of extenuating circumstances would keep you out past eleven on a school night?” I asked curiously.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t had many. Mike’s car broke down once. That’s about it.”

  We finished packing our things up and headed down the stairs. My dad was talking to my mom in the kitchen. We walked in and they looked at us and smiled.

  “What’s up you two?” my dad asked.

  “Is it okay if I go out for a couple of hours? I need a break from studying and thought I’d go out.”

  “Sure, but what about dinner?” my mom asked.

  “I’ll eat while I’m out, if that’s okay.”

  “Just be home by ten, okay?” my dad added, and opened his arms to get a hug.

  Jake hesitated before heading over to get his hug. My dad gave him a tight squeeze and kissed his forehead. I should probably have been sad that my dad was giving my affection to Jake, but I couldn’t help but smile at the awkwardness Jake must have been feeling at that moment.

  “Have a good night,” I said to them both. They offered the same and we left.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  “What for?” he asked.

  “For trying your best to be me. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I know.”

  “Yes, but you’re doing the same for me. That was the deal,” he reminded me.

  “Okay, so should I call your mom to tell her we are coming over?”

  “That’s probably a good idea, but she doesn’t know I…you…have a phone. Here, call from…this one,” he said handing me my phone.

  I dialed his number and his mother answered. “Hi Mom. Nicole and I are coming over. We’re going to study over there for a while.”

  “Oh great! Have you kids had dinner yet?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “Good. I’ll make some spaghetti for all of us. I can’t wait to meet her!”

  “Okay, we’ll see you in a bit. Bye.”

  I hung up the phone and handed it to Jake. “She can’t wait to meet you,” I said, smiling.

  “Oh boy,” he countered.

  “Should I be worried?” I tried to say it as lightly as possible, so it didn’t sound threatening.

  “I don’t think so. I hope not. You told her we were just studying together, right?”

  “Right. Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be fine.”

  We arrived at Jake’s house, walked in the door and headed toward the kitchen.

  “Hi Mom,” I said cheerfully.

  “Hi Hon,” she said with a smile as she turned to look at Jake.

  “Mom, this is my friend Nicole.”

  “It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Matthews,” he said.

  “Please, call me Angela,” she said softly. This is so strange. “I hope you like spaghetti,” she continued.

  “Oh yes, thank you. It smells wonderful. Jake was just telling me that you make fantastic spaghetti.” I was? Oh, well, he must be improvising. I haven’t had her spaghetti before, but apparently it must be good.

  “Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes. Would you like a drink Nicole?”

  “Oh, no thank you. I’m fine for now.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, please feel free to help yourself. My home is your home.” If she only knew.

  “Thank you very much,” Jake said.

  “Why don’t we study until dinner is ready,” I suggested.

  “Sure,” Jake said. We both headed into Jake’s room.

  “So,” he said, changing the subject, “you introduced me as your friend.”

  “Yes, well, I wanted to start you off on the right foot with your mother,” I said, smiling.

  He smiled back.

  “Jake, I think it’s safe to say I consider you a friend. How could you not be after everything we’ve been through? You’re…alright.

  “Okay,” I continued, but shifting gears, “we need to learn each others’ schedule and routines.”

  “Alright, do you want to go first, or do you want me to?”

  “You can,” I offered. “I know you have second period English and third period physics. I think we have the same government teacher, but different times.”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen you coming into class before as I’m leaving,” he confirmed. He wrote down the rest of his schedule and we went over it together.

  As we finished going over Jake’s schedule, I realized how similar our schedules seemed. “You know, there are so many ways that this could have been worse, and yet most of this has been pretty manageable.”

  “How do you mean?” he asked.

  “Well, I have Spanish II fifth hour. What if I had Spanish III, or French?”

  “That would have been a disaster,” he said.

  “Okay, is there anything else?”

  “I don’t think so. How about you?” he asked.

  I gave Jake my schedule and we went over seating and friends who we had classes with.

  “Okay, I think I got it,” he said.

  “So, we both have calculus. Why don’t we try and do each others’ homework and see where we’re at.”

  “Sounds good to me,” he said.

  We pulled out each others’ calculus books and got to work. It appeared that Jake’s class was a chapter ahead of my class. That should make his assignment review, and means I needed to learn two chapters in order to do his homework. Fortunately, I have a habit of looking ahead, just in case something happens, like I get sick…or somehow change bodies with some guy I barely know. We studied for another ten minutes or so, until Jake’s mother called to us to wash up for dinner.

  “Jake, would you please get drinks for us?” his mom asked.

  “Sure Mom,” I replied.

  I poured drinks and Jake’s mom put the food on the table. We all sat down to eat. Usually we say grace at my house, but I didn’t think they did here, and since Jake probably wouldn’t suggest it, I said my prayers to myself.

  “Wow, Mom, this smells great!” I said.

  “Yes, Angela, it looks delicious,” Jake agreed.

  “Thank you guys. Enjoy.”

  We ate in silence for the first few minutes, and then Jake’s mom started the conversation.

  “So, Nicole, you have a few classes with Jake, right?”

  “Yes, I do,” he said. “We have English and physics together.”

  “You look like a good student,” she continued.

  That was nice of her to say, but I don’t think Jake knows my grades. I thought I’d help him out. “She’s actually on course to be Valedictorian,” I helped.

  Jake and his mom both look surprised. “Are you really?” she asked. “That is so impressive!”

  “Thank you,” Jake said humbly.

  “So, what do you like to do in your spare time, Nicole?”

  Uh-oh. We haven’t really talked about spare time. “I think I’ve seen you hanging out with your girlfriends at the mall, right?”

  “Jake, let her talk.”

  “No, that’s okay,” he said. “Jake’s right. I don’t have a lot of spare time, but I spend what I have with my family or my…girlfriends.”

  “That’s nice,” his mom said.

  Jake’s mom asked him a few more questions that he winged until dinner was finally over. I cleaned t
he dishes. Jake offered to help, but his mom didn’t want Nicole lifting a finger. So, he sat on the couch and waited for me to finish.

  “Well, thank you Angela. Dinner was great!” he said.

  “Of course, dear. You are welcome, anytime.”

  We went back into Jake’s room and Jake closed the door.

  “That went fairly well,” I said.

  “I think so,” Jake said with a big sigh.

  “So, how are you coming with calculus?” I asked.

  “I’m done. I had a similar assignment on that chapter last week. How about you?”

  “I’m coming along. Probably fifteen more minutes and then I can start on Spanish.”

  We spent the next couple of hours working on calculus, Spanish and government, and by nine, we were done.

  “I think I’m as ready as I can be for tomorrow,” I finally said. “How are you doing?”

  “I…think I’m okay. I’m done with your homework. I think I’ve got your handwriting passable. I think. I have your schedule. It’s kind of sink or swim now.”

  “Let’s hope swim. Keep your phone on vibrate and keep it with you. We can text each other in a pinch. Let’s just try to say less until we get comfortable. The less we say and do, the less we can say and do wrong, right?”

  “Right. I’m going to pack up and head back to your place.”

  I looked at him and he stared back. “What?” I asked. “You’re going to do fine.”

  “Valedictorian. I guess there’s no room for error on my part.”

  “We’re going to do fine, right?” I wanted to hear him say it, to know he believed it.

  “Right.”

  Jake packed up and headed out of the room. I followed him to the front door. His mom was on the couch in the family room, and Jake told her goodnight.

  “Goodnight, Nicole. It was very nice to have met you.”

  “Thank you, Angela.”

  As he walked out, he whispered in my ear, “Thank you for letting us study here tonight. I needed to see her.”

  I smiled and he left.

  “Well, she seems very nice. And very pretty. I see why you like her.”

  I was blushing, but not for the reason she was probably thinking. “Mom, I told you it’s not like that.”

  “Well, just the same, you have good taste in friends.”

  “Thank you. I’m going to go to my room and get myself ready for tomorrow.”