Erica shook her head and took a sip of her coffee. “I don’t think she did, either. She stared at the ceiling most of the night when she thought I was asleep.”
“Did you talk?”
Erica made little rows in the Styrofoam cup with her nails as she thought. “Not much. She asked me not to press her for answers last night. She needed time to deal with whatever she’s done.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
Erica shrugged and took another sip. “There’s a lot more to this than her having a music career that she didn’t bother to tell me about. She’s done something that she’s afraid to admit.”
“Aren’t you afraid of what that might be?” Kaitlyn asked as she studied Erica’s face.
“No, it’s something that happened twenty years ago.”
“Then why do you look so troubled?”
Erica looked at Kaitlyn as though the answer was obvious. “She kept this from me.” Erica’s lip trembled. She put her cup to her mouth to hide it.
“I asked Drew to let it drop for now. We’ve got another three hours on the road, and I don’t want it to be any more uncomfortable than it already is. She’s pretty upset, too, and you know how she is.”
Erica took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, forcing the lump in her throat to recede. Lack of sleep lessened her ability to cope and keep her emotions in check. What she needed was time alone. She wasn’t looking forward to the drive ahead.
“Do you think you could take the wheel today?” Erica asked Kaitlyn. “I’m exhausted.”
“Sure.” Kaitlyn turned when she heard a hotel room door open. Ashleigh stepped out with a suitcase and tossed it into the SUV. “It looks like Ash is ready. I’m going to get Drew and we’ll hit the road.”
Erica rode in the front passenger’s seat while Kaitlyn drove. Drew and Ashleigh were in the back, and Erica noticed that Ashleigh had molded her body as tightly as she could to the door with her forehead resting on the window. Drew to her credit was quiet. The only conversation they did have had been about going home and returning to daily routines. Ashleigh hadn’t said a word all morning.
With her eyes closed, Erica leaned her head against the headrest and let her mind wander. Their yearly vacation had been wonderful. Nashville would not have been her first choice of vacation spots, but she’d enjoyed it nonetheless. She’d managed to leave all thoughts of work behind and enjoy the company of the woman she considered her wife. It had been perfect, then ruined in a matter of hours.
She found herself dissecting the last five years and looking for any clues of Ashleigh’s former life that she might’ve missed. The first time she visited Ashleigh’s home, she’d noticed how sparse it was. There were no framed photos of friends or family. Erica remembered thinking that odd, but when Ashleigh explained that her family had disowned her when they discovered her sexuality, it made sense.
Ashleigh had been a loner then. There were only a handful of people she worked with who were considered acquaintances. Erica never had to worry about making a good impression on the “best” friends as Ashleigh did with her. It never occurred to Erica that Ashleigh was hiding away from anything or anyone.
What had she done twenty years ago? Was it criminal? Until the previous night, she believed that she and Ashleigh could face anything together come what may, and that’s what gnawed at her. She’d been cut out of the loop. She’d bared her soul and told Ashleigh everything. She’d shared all her experiences and her shortcomings. And Ashleigh had kept hidden from her a pivotal part of her life. This revelation cast doubt on their existence together. What else didn’t she know? Was the whole relationship based on a web of lies that she had been content to believe? Erica was jarred from her thoughts when she felt the vehicle slow and exit the interstate. She opened her eyes, stretched, and looked over at Kaitlyn.
“Potty break,” Kaitlyn said softly.
Erica looked over her shoulder. Ashleigh appeared to be asleep, and Drew didn’t make a sound. She and Kaitlyn climbed out and closed the doors gently.
“You’re not asleep,” Drew said as she watched Kaitlyn and Erica walk toward the restrooms. Ashleigh didn’t respond, but Drew had seen her moments before they stopped take a drink from her Pepsi and replace the bottle in the cup holder. “Ashleigh.”
Ashleigh turned and looked at her. Her eyes were puffy and swollen with dark circles beneath them. “What?” She reached for the bottle again.
“You know I’m going to scour the Net when we get home.” Drew took the bottle from Ashleigh then made a face of disgust when she realized the soda was flat and warm.
“And I’m sure that you’ll discover my dirty secret. You don’t need me to tell you anything.”
“Why are you being like this? I thought I was your closest friend. Help me understand.”
Ashleigh shook her head in frustration. “I had all of that tucked away. For years, I convinced myself that it wasn’t really me. I mean, what are the chances that anyone would play that damn video? It’s been twenty years.”
Drew tried to keep her tone level. “We saw it. There’s no taking it back now. Let us—me—help you deal with it. Ash, open up, tell me what happened to make you so upset by all this.”
“I feel like…” Ashleigh wiped angrily at the tears that slipped from her eyes. “Everything’s out of control. I’ve dealt with this. I don’t want to be forced to confront it now.”
“If you’ve shelved it somewhere in your brain, you haven’t dealt with anything.” Drew reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind Ashleigh’s ear. “You’ve got a woman that loves you and friends in me and Kaitlyn that will never judge you.”
Ashleigh turned back toward the window. “Can you honestly promise that? You have no idea what I’ve done.”
“If I had done what you did, could you turn your back on me?”
Ashleigh didn’t answer as her body shook with silent sobs.
“Come here.” Drew unbuckled her seat belt and pulled Ashleigh close. “I don’t care what you’ve done. You’re my best friend, more like a sister, really. You’ll always have me beside you, I promise.”
Ashleigh let herself be pulled into Drew’s embrace, but self-recrimination kept her from returning the hug. When Drew noticed Kaitlyn and Erica making their way back, she gently pushed Ashleigh’s head down into her lap. She and Kaitlyn exchanged glances when Kaitlyn climbed back into the driver’s seat. Erica climbed into her seat with a quick glance back but said nothing. The rest of the trip was made in silence.
Chapter Three
When they arrived home in St. Francisville, Louisiana, Erica felt her tension rise. Within minutes, they would drop Kaitlyn and Drew off, then the buffer between her and Ashleigh would be gone. She wanted to know, had to know, whatever Ashleigh would invariably reveal, but there was a part of her that wished they could pretend everything was the same.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” Kaitlyn said as Erica helped her pull out their suitcases. She lowered her voice. “And if you need to talk, you’ve only got to walk two doors down.”
“I appreciate it, Katie.” Erica forced a smile.
Ashleigh was already in the passenger’s seat when Erica climbed back into the vehicle. “Do you want to order a pizza or something?” She tried to sound causal.
“I’m not hungry,” Ashleigh said without looking at her. “You may want to order a small. I’ll have cereal later.”
Erica doubted that she’d be able to eat much, either, and dispensed with the idea as she pulled into their driveway. They unloaded their things in silence. Erica was unsure what to do with herself when Ashleigh took their dirty clothes into the laundry room. She made herself a cup of tea and leaned against the kitchen counter until Ashleigh returned.
“I know we need to talk,” Ashleigh said when she noticed Erica. She crossed her arms and leaned against the refrigerator.
Erica nodded and felt numb as she moved to the kitchen table and took a seat. “Would you please sit?” She pu
shed out a chair with her foot.
At first it appeared that Ashleigh would remain in the spot where she stood. She paced back and forth for a minute and finally sank down into the chair looking uncomfortable.
Erica searched her brain for something to say. “Want me to make you a cup of tea?”
“No.” Ashleigh drummed her fingers nervously on the table. “I don’t know how to begin.”
Erica wanted to reach out and take one of Ashleigh’s fidgeting hands, but the chasm of distance that had formed between them left her unsure of how to behave.
“I feel like my past is another life. When we first started dating, I wanted to tell you, but I’d lived years convincing myself that it never happened. To give voice to it meant it was real, and I didn’t want to have to try and cope all over again.”
Ashleigh’s gaze refused to meet hers when she spoke. Erica watched her closely as she clutched the warm cup in both hands. “That makes sense,” Erica said before taking a sip of the tea that was supposed to calm her. It wasn’t working. “I know that you’d like to stay in that state of denial, but I need to know…who you are.”
“Who I was,” Ashleigh said, finally meeting her eyes. “You know who I am now.”
Erica nodded and set the cup back on the table. “Then tell me.”
Ashleigh stood and pulled a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Erica watched as her hands trembled while she fumbled with the lid. When she returned to the table, she remained standing.
“There was no one to run to when my parents tossed me out. I think they figured that I’d see the severity of the situation and come running back. They thought I could change who I was, I guess. I remember standing in the Savannah bus terminal wondering where I should go. I saw Baton Rouge on the schedule. I liked the name, so I bought a ticket, and the next day, I arrived with a guitar, some money in my pocket, and a few clothes.”
In her mind’s eye, Erica saw the image of an eighteen-year-old Ashleigh on a bus headed to a strange town. She seriously doubted that she would have possessed the fortitude at that age to make the journey alone.
“I knew the money wouldn’t last long, so I stayed in the cheapest motel I could find. I landed a job in a coffee shop. I worked days serving coffee, and the owner let me play and sing a few nights a week. That’s how I met Chantal.”
Erica looked at her questioningly.
“She was a drummer and had a girlfriend that played keyboards. Chantal was starting a band and liked my voice. After she found a lead guitarist and bass player, we started playing local clubs.” Ashleigh finally slipped back into her chair and looked over at Erica. “It seemed like a dream. The bassist had a few connections. We recorded a demo, and everything seemed to happen overnight.”
“You were picked up by a record company that quickly?”
“Yeah, we had the electronic sound that was becoming extremely popular. I went from sleeping on Chantal’s couch to the road. It was exciting but lonely at the same time. We’d come back to Baton Rouge occasionally, and everyone would go home.”
Ashleigh stared off as she recounted, and Erica noticed that her eyes had moistened.
“I really didn’t have anywhere to go. Chantal invited me to stay with her and Vicki, but I needed time to myself after being on the road with all of them. I had some money then, but not enough to get a place of my own, much less furnish it. I booked myself into a slightly better hotel than I’d stayed in before and waited for the next road trip.”
“There was no one…no girlfriend in your life then?” Erica asked, finding it hard to believe that Ashleigh was so alone.
Ashleigh shook her head and looked down at the table. “I won’t deny that I didn’t take advantage of the trappings that come with being a part of a band that was growing popular. I had…dalliances, but that’s all they were. The women I met were more interested in my lifestyle than they were me.”
Erica refused to ask how many dalliances there were. She figured she was better off not knowing.
“When ‘Love’s Someday’ hit the charts, we went into hyper-drive. We took to the road nonstop. The venues kept getting larger. We started opening for bands that I never dreamed we’d share a stage with.” A slight smile made its way across Ashleigh’s face then. “It was one of the most exciting times in my life.
“The guitarist and I were the only single women in the band,” Ashleigh said as she gestured nervously with her hands. She looked as though she was struggling with what to say next. “We ended up together, and for a while, everything was perfect. I had someone who understood my life, and our career continued to climb.”
Erica pushed away the tea that had grown cold while she listened. “This was a serious relationship?”
“For me, it was,” Ashleigh admitted as her eyes took on that faraway look again. “For her, not so much. She broke my heart more than once. We broke up and I looked for someone to cling to, someone to ground me and fill the void that’d been created. I started dating a girl who joined our road team.” Ashleigh scrubbed at her face. “I didn’t love her. There was no real connection. We went from one party to another. She was more adventurous than me, and we drank and sampled every drug that was offered to us.”
Erica was stunned by that revelation and realized that was more than likely why Ashleigh avoided alcohol now. “Were you…did you..?” Erica was unable to finish the question.
“I don’t think I was an addict.” Ashleigh shrugged. “I was on my way, though.”
“Is this why you don’t want to remember the past?” Erica asked, hoping it was that simple, but the way Ashleigh looked at her, she knew it wasn’t.
“Kelly had a heart defect that she wasn’t aware of,” Ashleigh continued in a strained voice. “We partied it up one night. I was so out of it that I don’t remember going back to the hotel. I woke up the next afternoon, but Kelly never did. She was…cold when I reached for her.”
Erica had never seen Ashleigh look like she did at that moment. Though tears streamed from her eyes, her face was like stone. Erica’s mind reeled from what she’d just heard. It was almost too much. She was tempted to ask Ashleigh to stop when she began again.
“My road manager was spinning different yarns before her body was even removed from the room. He was brainstorming with the record executives on how to keep the scandal to a minimum. The last two dates of the tour were canceled because of my ‘exhaustion.’ Everything was swept under the rug, and I was expected to go on as if nothing ever happened. I did then what I do best,” Ashleigh said, looking over at Erica. “I disappeared. I left the band high and dry, moved to the outskirts of Baton Rouge, and started over again. I haven’t seen or spoken to any of my bandmates since.”
Both women sat silently then. Erica pinched the bridge of her nose as she pictured Ashleigh waking up next to a lifeless body. Erica’s hand moved of its own volition and timidly rested atop Ashleigh’s shaking hands that were clasped tightly together. She watched as Ashleigh’s gaze moved to their hands, then to meet hers. A storm brewed in the green depths. And though Erica could feel the warmth of her skin, she could not feel the warmth that had always existed between them.
Walls of self-preservation were being built between them brick by brick. Erica could feel her own clicking into place as she remembered Ashleigh’s admission. I did then what I do best—I disappeared. Erica wondered if now that the secret was revealed, Ashleigh would do the same to her.
Chapter Four
“Monday mornings suck.” Kaitlyn let herself in the screen door. “Actually, mornings just suck. You need to convince your dad to let us work nights.”
Erica stood in front of the coffeepot waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. “You tell him that. Do it the minute you walk into the office.”
“Ah, you saw the e-mails, too. He’s gonna be a bear today.” Kaitlyn pulled a mug from the cabinet and set it next to the coffeepot. “We should extend our vacation by a day, give him time to cool off.”
“Unfortuna
tely, that will only piss him off more. We have to go in and face the music.”
“Speaking of music, did you and Ashleigh talk?” Kaitlyn asked casually as she spooned cream and sugar into her cup.
Erica lowered her voice. “We’ll talk about it when we get in the car.”
They were five miles from chaos, according to the volley of e-mails that Erica had read in her office at home that morning. Unlike any other time that they’d returned from their yearly vacation, Erica looked forward to being swamped beneath the workload. Kaitlyn did not.
“I’m taking the long way.” Kaitlyn glanced at the clock. “We’ve got time. Now tell me about Ash.”
Erica groaned when Kaitlyn took the route that would extend their drive from five to fifteen minutes. “She lived the life of drugs, sex, and rock and roll, end of story.”
Kaitlyn slapped her hand on the steering wheel. “Details or I’m pulling into the doughnut shop.”
“Well.” Erica blew out a long breath. “She was in a band that had a hit. She got caught up in drink and drugs, and a woman she was dating overdosed. After that, she quit the band and went into hiding for the next fifteen years. Then she met me and you know our history.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Erica could see Kaitlyn glancing between her and the road. “Why did she keep that from you?” Kaitlyn asked. “I can understand how that would’ve been traumatic for her, but why all the secrecy?”
Erica flexed her hands that had been clamped tightly into fists. “She’s ashamed, and I can understand that, but just the same, I feel betrayed. It makes me wonder if she’s hiding something else.”
Kaitlyn was quiet for a moment as she meandered down tree-lined roads. “There’s no denying that she kept her past hidden from you. But now, there’s not an hour of the day that you don’t know where she is. She goes to work, has lunch with Drew, and is waiting at home when you get in from work. Her life is completely transparent.”
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