But then, he did look back, and our eyes met. I stared at Dan, unflinching, as his eyes widened in what I hoped was fear. I watched him turn his attention back to the stage as he casually pulled his arm away from my woman’s shoulders and sat up straight. She straightened her posture as well, but she didn’t look around. I waited for him to say something to her, but he didn’t.
I waited until the end of the slow song before I elbowed Caleb. His eyes were closed like he was meditating.
“Hey,” I whispered, just loud enough to be heard over the music. “Let’s go. Dan saw me.”
Caleb opened his eyes and nodded.
We waited until the next song started. It was faster, and the guy on stage asked everyone to stand up again. We were able to slip out unnoticed. I looked back at Susie and Dan one last time. The people around Susie were clapping their hands to the music, making her almost impossible to see.
A minute later we were outside in the brisk air, walking quickly back to Caleb’s car.
Caleb asked, “So, he saw you? Did she see you, too?”
“I think it was just him. Had his arm around her ‘til he caught me looking. Asshole.”
“Can’t blame the guy for tryin', man.”
“Is that what she wants? Someone to take her to church? 'Cause that ain't me."
"She ever try to get you to go?"
"No."
"Then what's your problem? You sound like you're pissed."
"Doesn't make sense. I'll never understand it."
He continued to speak as we crossed the two-lane road to get to the car. "Maybe it's not for you to understand. So what if she goes to church sometimes? I don't see the big deal."
"It's her." I glanced around to make sure no one was listening as I walked to my door. "You know what she does in her spare time. What the fuck's she doin' back there?"
He stared at me over the top of the car, his eyes wide. "Man, that's cold." He pressed his lips together, shaking his head in disappointment. "You shouldn't judge her like that. I thought you Native Americans were supposed to be into all that peace and nature and shit."
"Fuck you." I set my jaw and shot him a threatening look.
"Alright, whatever." He immediately got in the car.
I laughed inwardly for a moment. It was way too funny to watch him squirm.
I would never admit it to Caleb, but maybe he was right. She kicked me out of her house after I told her I thought it was strange that she went to church. To me, it wasn't judgmental; it was practical. Logical. Had I said the worst thing at the worst time? Is that what pushed her away?
No. It was just an excuse. She was scared. I had no physical proof, but I felt it all the way to my bones.
It might hurt like hell for a while, but she'd be mine again. I'd figure out a way. She had no idea what I was willing to go through for her.
Susie
Monday, January 24, 2011
10:00 AM
I sat down at the Cellar for the first time all month. I’d stayed away to avoid Tyler. That morning in class, however, I kept my ears open and pretended I was doing something else when he unenthusiastically told Corbie he was heading off to do some last minute work at Leroy’s shop.
With my attention on the book in front of me, I was startled when the chair directly across the table moved along the floor with an abrupt screech. It was Michael. Corbie and Dan were with him, all looking at each other in silence as they took seats. Dan sat beside me.
I closed my book. “Hey strangers.” I’d barely seen any of them the past few weeks. Michael and Corbie were both quick to side with Tyler and give me the cold shoulder. Dan was the only one who stuck with me for a little while. For the past week though, aside from a few quick phone calls, I hadn't seen him outside of class.
Michael put his hands together and leaned forward across the table. “You gotta take the man back, Susie.”
I shook my head. “Don't start that with me right now."
Corbie muttered under his breath and exchanged glances with the other two.
Michael said, “No, you don’t get it. He’s hurtin.' Bad. Just admit you did the wrong thing and take him back.” He chuckled. “Or, you know what? Don’t admit nothin.’ Just take him back.”
“It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is that simple."
"What the hell?" My eyes bounced between their indignant faces. "You were my friends, first. This is our last semester together and you've all taken his side and stopped talking to me. That's quite shitty of you."
Michael and Dan both rolled their eyes and halfheartedly mumbled in their own defense.
Corbie, however, didn't deny it. His nod was slow and angry, his eyes piercing mine. "I can't speak for these two, but yes, I've absolutely taken his side. He's a good guy, Susie. You were wrong."
I tried to scold him with my eyes. "Did Ashley tell you to say that?" She hadn't spoken to me much lately, either. She said it was because she was too busy at work to call me back. I sensed from a talk with Aunt Lydia several days earlier that even my trusted cousin had weighed in with an opinion about my love life.
It felt as if the people I cared about the most had conspired behind my back and turned against me.
Corbie's handsome face showed a slight blush at my mention of Ashley's name. He almost looked like he wanted to smile as he gazed down at his watch. "Well, I gotta head on to work now."
I watched him stand up. It hurt me to hear him mention work. I had planned to talk to him after my talk with Tyler in the hopes of convincing him to stop working so many hours, but we never had that conversation. I wanted Corbie to know he made my college life so much better just by being my friend. And now we were barely speaking? I figured Corbie said he had to go to work because he knew it would hurt me. He gave Dan and Michael a quick nod as he left the table, but didn't say another word to me.
I was glad to find sympathy in the faces of the two guys who remained at the table. "I don't get it. I thought we were friends. You've only known Tyler since October, same as me, yet you all gang up on me and treat me like I'm a villain?"
Dan's eyebrows crinkled as he looked in my eyes. "We're not ganging up on you. I didn't know Corbie was that upset." He and Michael shared a brief quizzical glance. "We just want what's best for you. And the reason we hang out with Tyler," he let out a labored sigh, "well, I guess it's a guy thing. We have to stick together sometimes."
Michael's head shook. "You don't understand, Susie. It's painful to listen to him. It doesn't really start till he's had a few beers." His face twisted into a grimace. "It's terrible. He got out a guitar last night."
Dan's eyes took on a panicked glare at Michael. "Don't."
Michael arched an eyebrow at him. "It might help, and I can't go through that again." He cleared his throat and looked at me. "So, he got out this guitar and we had to sit there for, like, an hour while he sang all these depressing songs. Kept tryin' to leave, he kept beggin' us to stay."
Dan nodded. "It was rough."
Michael held up his phone. "I got some of it on video."
"No." Dan's hand went up. "Don't do it. It won't help."
"I've heard him sing," I said. "I didn't think he was bad."
Michael shrugged and put his phone down on the table. "It's not that. He was just so sad. God, it was pitiful. I've never heard anything like it."
"Me neither," Dan said. "I don't think he would've done it, sober. He's a mess. It really comes out when he's drunk."
I felt a lump in my throat. My New Year's resolution of 'no more crying' was pretty successful as long as I kept myself busy and didn't think about Tyler. I knew I had to find a reason to get away from these two before the water works started. "It hasn't been easy for me either." I took a deep breath. "I'm not gonna get back together with him just because he's making you uncomfortable. He'll get through it and forget all about me. He'll eventually move on with…" I paused to take another deep breath and blink my eyes a few times until it felt like the newly-forme
d tears were in no danger of falling down my face, "someone normal."
Michael smiled. "He doesn't want someone normal. He wants you."
"Well, he shouldn't," I said.
Michael and Dan went on for a while. I tried to tune them out and think about something else. Yes, they were right. About everything. I was scared and I broke up with him before he could break up with me. It still didn't change anything. Years earlier, I'd made a decision: I will not let my emotions dictate my life. I was too smart for that. And too strong.
For several more minutes, I numbly interjected a continual loop of 'yeah,' and 'uh-huh,' and 'I see your point,' when appropriate. I forced myself to remember the expression on Tyler's face the day we broke up. Was it shock? Disappointment? Confusion? How many more times would I see that face until he came to his senses and dumped me? Repeatedly, I made myself picture it as Dan and Michael lectured me.
And then, to my delight, my phone rang.
Dan's eyes narrowed at me as I answered. I could tell he recognized the Mitzi ring.
I answered and told her to give me a minute, then I grabbed my coat to put it on as fast as possible. I said, "I gotta go, you guys," as I slung my backpack over one shoulder and left without waiting for their response.
I moved several tables away before speaking to her. "I hope you're still there. Sorry about that."
"It's okay, I'm here. I'm just glad I finally get to talk to you." She let out a deep sigh. "So, when are you coming to see me? I hope that's why you've been trying to call."
I chuckled. Her breathy voice always took me back to another place in time. She was the only person I kept in touch with from those days when I lived from couch to couch, and all of my possessions fit inside a large red leather tote bag that eventually got stolen. It was only recently that I started to look back on that time with fondness instead of regret; it was the only time I ever truly felt free. "Yeah, I think I might finally take you up on your offer if it's okay with Patrick."
She produced a squeal that made me hold the phone away from my ear for a moment. "Of course it's okay! He'd love to have you join us. When are you coming? Spring break? Summer?"
I sat down at an empty table amidst the flurry of students, listening as she went on excitedly in a rapid burst, barely pausing to take a breath. I knew what she meant by 'join us,' and I didn't have the heart to tell her that the thought of 'joining' Patrick almost made me wretch. They had lived together in an open relationship for two years now, and he was good to Mitzi as far as I could tell. He preferred that she keep her escapades where he could see them, with the exception of her occasional trips like the one we took in October to Vancouver. The money was good enough to help him through the jealousy. All things considered, Mitzi's life hadn't changed that much since we met. Her life still involved parties, sex, and blatant overindulgence. But now, instead of apartment hopping in north Los Angeles county, she lived in a nice house in a family-friendly suburb of Chicago with her fiance, Patrick. He was a nightclub owner who dabbled in other businesses that I was probably better off not knowing about. He was a youthful forty-five. The twenty year age difference between them was practically unnoticeable.
But damn it - the disgust. It was nothing personal against Patrick, but the only man I could think about was Tyler. How much longer would this last? Shouldn't time heal all wounds? It was probably because I saw him in class all the time. Right? Was that why I had to fight these constant thoughts? The longing to put my cheek against his chest? To put my cold feet against his warm calves in the middle of the night and hear him startle sweetly awake for a moment before rolling over to cradle me like I was his teddy bear?
"Susie? Soo-zee!"
"Oh, sorry. So, yeah, I'm thinking maybe at the beginning of June?"
She sighed. "Or sooner, if you can. I'm dying to see you." Her happy tone changed to pleading. "You sure you don't wanna take a trip for a few days next month? Two is twice the fun."
"After what happened last time? Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'm serious. You broke up with that guy, right?"
I knew she'd never understand. Hell, I wasn't sure I understood it either. It felt like a million years had passed since I looked forward to one of those trips with exhilaration. I longed to escape and become someone else for a few days. I used to live for it. Now, those trips were on a growing list of things that made me sick, as if I'd developed a sudden allergy to everything I once loved. "I just can't do it. Maybe later this year or something. I don't know. But hey, I'll be in touch with you again soon, all right?"
"Well, at least return an email once in a while, okay?"
We exchanged goodbyes as I stood up to walk to the nearest fast food counter. The temperature outside was near freezing, but I wanted a chocolate milkshake to ease my ache. If I'd been home, I would've rushed to the closet for my bong. I never knew when the pain would seize me. If I'd known it would happen while talking to Mitzi, I probably would've let her call go to voicemail.
I stood completely still in the food court and drank slow enough to avoid a headache. My jeans were tighter by the day. By Friday I'd probably be wearing sweat pants, and I didn't care. The rich mixture of chocolate and sugar made me feel better for a little while.
I found another empty table and sat down in a chair, making sure not to look in the direction where Dan and Michael lectured me earlier. I tried to finish the last of my milkshake as I made my way to the exit.
As I went past the entrance to the parking garage, I realized every fucking inch of The Cellar had Tyler written all over it now. So many memories etched inside my brain. I would be better off to stay out of here entirely.
The cold air hit me like a slap in the face as soon as I pushed my way outside. Or maybe the slap in the face was the voice that immediately filled my ears.
"Hey Sue!" Joan stood next to the trash can.
I was so surprised, it took me a moment to notice Kate standing beside her.
Kate gave me her patented sneer. "Hey."
I looked in her eyes and put the straw between my lips to take the very last sip of my chocolate shake. Her eyes went up and down my body as usual, as if she could actually see through the thick wool coat I was wearing. It didn't matter if I was eating or not; she was always giving me that disgusted look. It gave me great amusement to glare back at her, listening to the slurping sound at the bottom of my empty cup, like I just couldn't get enough of the sugary liquid she condemned me for drinking.
Kate walked past me to the door as I tossed my empty cup in the trash.
Joan's hands were stuffed in her pockets. The black scarf she wore around her neck almost covered her mouth. "Is Michael still in there?"
"Uh, I don't know." I caught myself before casually asking why. As much as I needed distractions, this wasn't something I had much patience for. Her assessment of her “relationship” with Michael had probably changed five times since we spoke on Friday, and I didn't care to hear why she was standing outside in the freezing cold, asking where he was. Besides, there was a bong in my living room, waiting for me. "It's really cold. You're shaking. You should probably go inside."
"I will in a sec. Hey, Troy was out here a little while ago. He's asking about you again."
Had he ever stopped asking about me? Her knowing grin told me it probably involved Kate, too. Maybe Joan had finally seen a video or some pictures. I didn't have the energy to care anymore. My time in this town would be over in a few months and I just needed to muddle through it. Deep down, I knew I should've been a better friend to Joan right then. Her sister, Monica, recently started to plan her wedding. Joan had done a superb job of acting like it didn't bother her, but I knew better; she wanted to get married more than anything in the entire world.
I took a deep breath. The cold air made my throat hurt. "I can't talk right now."
"Did you not hear what I just said about Troy? He's asking about you. He knows you broke up with Tyler."
"I'm sure it's old news to him by now. Look, swe
etie." I forced a smile and patted her shoulder. The cold feel of her suede coat made me withdraw my hand quickly and reach into my pockets for my gloves. "Maybe we could have a girls' night soon. Maybe we'll invite Sherry. I could use her motherly wisdom right now." I chuckled.
"Yeah, me too." She shivered as her eyes focused sadly on something off in the distance.
"Go inside, okay? You look like you're gonna freeze." With my gloved hand, I gave her shoulder another pat, then turned away to walk down the street, blending in with the other students.
I walked fast, slowing down only in the shaded areas to avoid the icy patches. The chill didn't bother me nearly as much as the agony that increased with every step. Good Lord, I missed Tyler. My mind often got stuck on a random memory of him. Today, it was more like a jumbled mess of memories about the little things, like how he always wanted to drive me home from class, even though it was only a few blocks away.
Safe With Me, Part 8 (The End) Page 3