Lydia's voice was sad. "Don't tell me you're that naive. We all knew your mom had to have gotten pregnant when Jack went away to study. Now, don't you think that a prominent man like Preston would have somehow learned his mistress gave birth to a child who favored him so much?"
"No," I said. "He lived four hours away and kept a low profile. He didn't even know he got Mom pregnant. I can't believe you're saying this."
She raised a brow. "So, how'd he know to ask your brother and sister about you at the funeral?"
I took a deep breath and screamed at the top of my lungs, "She had three kids! It was in her fucking obituary!" Breathe…breathe…you'll get through this, Susie…you always get through…
Lydia's mouth opened like she was about to speak but Matt stopped her.
"Susie, please forgive us," he said. "We thought you'd find each other someday. We didn't know he'd get lung cancer."
My eyes welled up. "You have no idea what you took from me."
"You're right." His bottom lip quivered. "We fucked up. Me and Tabby. I think about it every single day. I'm haunted by it just as much as you are."
I shook my head. "No, you're not. If you were you wouldn't let yourself think about it. Ever. Just like me." My chest tightened. From the corner of my eye I saw Tyler lingering by the door. What did he think about all this? Did he think of me as a throwaway, too? A girl nobody wanted? That's what pissed me off the most about Lydia and her attitude about Preston. Implying that he always knew but he didn't want me, just like Jack never wanted me.
Even though I knew the truth, the lie filled me with so much shame. I'd been naked in front of people for years, but nothing ever made me feel as dirty and exposed as that shame. I suddenly felt like I could suffocate in that room.
"I gotta go." I started to walk to the hallway.
Lydia grabbed my shoulder. "Where are you going?"
"I don't know." I pulled away from her. "Someplace where I have privacy. When I come back you better be gone." I didn't even care that they were going through my rooms anymore. I just had to get away.
Tyler stepped aside to let me through the door. I didn't look up at him. He probably had that look of pity in his eyes. God, I hated that. I heard his footsteps trailing me as I walked through the house toward the front door.
Lydia started again from behind me. "Susie, you can't live this way anymore."
"What way?"
"Locked up inside," she said.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I was doing just fine till you got here."
"No," she said. "I think maybe you need to go to a counselor. The college offers an excellent program for students—"
I stopped and turned around to face her. "I dropped out today. I'm not a student anymore."
Her hand went to her lips. "What? But you only had a few more months."
I glanced at Tyler, whose eyes were wide enough to tell me he was more surprised than he was willing to show. Then I looked at Lydia. "I know. Doesn't matter. Wasn't gonna use that degree."
"See?" Her voice got loud. "That's exactly what you did in high school. Dropped out the second you turned eighteen. Hopped on a bus. Worried the life out of everyone."
I smiled inside, remembering how free I felt when I bought that bus ticket. I hadn't felt that way in years. "I'm gonna go. I have an errand to run. When I come back, you both better be gone."
As I went for the door, I heard Lydia quietly comforting Matt, saying, "It's okay, we'll let her calm down."
Tyler followed me outside. He didn't say anything until we were at the bottom of the steps.
"Hey," he said, "do you really have to go somewhere?"
"Yes."
"Are you gonna come back and talk to your brother?"
"No."
"Come on."
I stopped to turn around. "Can you not see how pissed I am?"
"Yeah. But listen. I'm someone's brother, too. I know he fucked up. He knows he fucked up. It doesn't make it right but families hurt each other all the time. At least sit down and hear him out, please."
And that's why we'll never work out.
His confused, dumbstruck expression was back. He'd never understand me. And maybe I'd never understand him. The realization was devastating, but it wasn't new. I'd just forgotten about it for a while.
I looked behind him at my house. It used to be my sanctuary, but now, it held nothing but pain.
"Listen," I said, "you stay here, okay? Make sure they don't tear the house down. I gotta go make a private phone call." I paused, trying to think of a way to tell him I was hemorrhaging inside. I just had to go. Get away from the pain. "Please, I gotta go."
"When are you coming back?"
It was the only time I can remember telling him a blatant lie. I always found ways of telling half-truths or leaving out important pieces of information until I was ready to talk about them. But never since I'd met him had I knowingly told him something that was a complete fabrication. I wasn't sure what the truth was just yet, but I knew it wasn't this. "I'll be back in an hour. Maybe two."
"Okay." He nodded. "I'll keep an eye on 'em."
"Good." I forced myself to smile. "I appreciate it. I love you."
He smiled. "I love you, too."
And suddenly he was kissing me. I threw my arms around him and tried not to think about how badly I was about to hurt him. I just had to get away. From the house, my family. Him. He needed someone normal and someday he'd find her. But she wasn't me. How dare I let myself think otherwise? Maybe Lydia and Matt did me a favor, reminding me of that pain. That was what separated me from the normals of the world. And that's why I just had to go.
When he pulled away, I smiled and turned around to leave before he could see my tears.
"Hey," he said, "you sure you don't want some company?"
I took a deep breath and didn't look back. "No." Another breath. Hopefully he couldn't hear me cry. "It's private."
"Okay." His voice sounded weary.
I clicked the button to unlock my rental car and got inside as fast as possible. I didn't look over to see him, but I felt him watching me.
I started the car pulled away from the curb, fast. I drove three blocks before pulling out my phone.
"Singer and… Oh! I'm sorry. I knew it was you. I'm just so used to answering my phone that way."
"It's okay, Gloria. You're not used to hearing from me so often. I know."
"It's perfectly fine, dear. It's a pleasure to hear from you again so soon. Are you all right? Can I help you with something?"
"Um…yeah." I cleared my throat. "I need you to help me disappear."
Tyler
Monday, June 6, 2011
4:15 PM
"I don't want to, Crys." I had just parked in Mom's driveway. She summoned me here for an emergency she wouldn't talk about over the phone. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of answering Crystal's call several minutes later.
"Please? It's just dinner. Uh…well, it's lunch for us on this shift. But it'll be dinner time for you." Crystal whined into the phone. "Come on, it'll be my treat. It's fried chicken night in the cafeteria. I know, it's only fried chicken, like, you could have that anytime, right? But it's so good here! Like, better than my mom makes. Please, please, please say you'll come. I really think you'll like Amy. It'll be the best night you've had in weeks!"
"Really? Fried chicken night at a hospital cafeteria on a blind date is gonna be the best night I've had in weeks? Did my brother put you up to this?"
"No, and don't talk to me about him right now." She sighed loudly. "Just think it over and call me back. We won't eat till at least six-thirty."
"Already thought about it. The answer's no. Didn't you learn your lesson with that girl at the bar?"
Crystal set up me up on a surprise date with a friend of some other friend the previous Friday night. I didn't realize what was going on until Crystal insisted for the third time that I have a seat next to a girl I'd never met before. I politely and quietly dr
ank three beers while the girl talked for an exceptionally long fifteen minutes, and then I excused myself to another table to tag along with some other friends. The girl later told Crystal I was a jerk for ditching her, but she would've called me something much worse if I'd gotten drunk enough to tell her how damn boring she was.
I appreciated Crystal thinking of me. She meant well. Wanted me to feel better and move on with a new woman. And somehow, she had knowledge of every single or semi-single woman within a thirty-mile radius, but I was nowhere near ready. Honestly, I was a little offended that she or anyone else could see through my subterfuge. I thought I did a pretty good job of making myself appear happy. Nobody knew about my constant Internet searches or the fact that my phone was filled with pictures that I scrolled through multiple times a day to see the beautiful face of the woman I loved.
"You should've given her a chance. She's sweet and—"
I cut her off before she could finish her sentence, 'you need to move on.' So fucking tired of hearing it. "I gotta go inside and see what Mom wants. Hey, maybe it's fried chicken night here, too."
She made an exasperated groan. "I forgot what an ass you can be."
I laughed. "Bye." Maybe if I was more of an ass she'd stop trying to be my matchmaker.
I stepped out of the car and walked up to Mom and Ernie's front door. Fuck, I hoped it wasn't the night she was finally going to talk me into trimming those hedges. It was too warm to do anything but sit on my porch with a cold beer and my laptop.
I heard her voice yell, "Come in!" as soon as I knocked.
When I went inside, she was in the kitchen with her hair up in a bun, taking a casserole out of the oven.
She smiled at me. "There you are!"
"Uh-huh. So what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, sweetie." She continued to smile, not looking at me as she placed the casserole on the stove. "Came across something today I thought you might wanna see." She cleared her throat and started to poke at the casserole with a fork. "See that stack of catalogs on the dining table?"
Yes, unfortunately…that fucking makeup… "Yeah. You need me to take 'em to the Post Office?" Or maybe to a dumpster?
"No. Just have yourself a look at the first one on top of the stack."
She knew I hated that makeup. There was nothing that epitomized the weirdness of my childhood more than one of these catalogs. "Why?"
"Come on. Humor me." Her eyes widened, shooting me a suspicious glance. "Trust me."
I blew out a loud breath. "Fine." I picked up the top catalog as she requested and flipped through the first few pages. "I've never seen you mail out this many at once. You get a lot of new customers since last year?"
"No. Ernie uses this really clever service that helps you track down old customers. All I do is enter all my old addresses and it checks some kind of list and gives me back a bunch of new ones. Even prints the labels for me. I've found people who thought they'd gotten rid of me years ago." She laughed.
"Mom, nobody wants more junk mail."
"Oh, that's not true. Some people forgot how much they loved Bonita Bliss. I get at least one phone call a week from someone who's just tickled to find my catalog in their mailbox."
"There's no way you're making enough money in new sales to pay for what you're spending on all these catalogs."
She sighed. "You really try my patience sometimes." She let the fork drop on top of the casserole, wiped her hands together, and walked to the dining table. Then she yanked the catalog out of my hands, turned it over, and held it up in the air. "Did you really not understand what I was trying to tell you?"
I squinted to get a better look. There it was, right in front of my eyes. A mailing label stuck to a catalog. It plainly stated a street address for a 'Susanna M. Lombardi' in Britta, Indiana. "Whoa. You think that's really her address?"
She shrugged. "Only one way to find out, don't you think?"
I chuckled, my eyes suddenly stinging with tears I hoped she couldn't see. "I'm afraid to get my hopes up."
"I know. And I can't guarantee anything. This information usually comes from banks. Credit card statements and such. She may not be there now, but she must've received mail there at some point. So, at least you have a place to start."
"Yeah." I wiped my eyes as fast as possible. "You tell her family about this?"
"No. You're the only person I've told." Mom smiled up at me. "You're my first priority. Everyone else can wait." She put her hand on mine. "Don't worry. If it's meant to be, it'll be."
Feeling a fresh set of tears coming on, I bent down to squeeze her in a tight embrace.
Ever since that fateful day in February, I'd been told to give up. 'She's not worth it. She'll break your heart again. She was crazy for leaving and you're better off without her.' I realized pretty quickly that I had to keep it all hidden away inside — my constant longing. The soul-crushing pain of losing her. Nobody could know she was all I thought about.
The only person who encouraged me was Mom. We didn't talk about it much, but I sensed it. Those rare times when we did speak of Susie, it was never with a sense of finality. Mom spoke of her as if she was on her way, just taking an extended vacation. She giggled softly to herself when anyone made mention of me going out with someone else, like the idea was ridiculous. Crystal wasn't the only one who always had some girl in mind for me. I had aunts and cousins who'd casually drop hints about a woman they met somewhere…'I think she's single…' and they'd give me the eye. The glare I always shot them in return was probably enough to make sure they never did it again. Maybe it was the natural progression of life for most people to graduate from college and immediately work on finding someone to settle down with. Not me. If the right woman came along I'd gladly change my mind. The only problem was, the right woman had already come along but my only clue to her whereabouts was an address label on a fucking makeup catalog.
I sniffled when I let go of Mom. "Thank you."
She put her hand on my face. "My sweet boy. Now, you wanna stay for dinner? Ernie'll be here any minute."
"Nah." I gave her a quick peck on the cheek as I headed to the door. "I gotta go home and pack."
Susie
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
3:42 PM
“Shh! You hear that? Is it Helen?” Kendall licked her lips and stared at me, her green eyes wide and scared.
I listened for a second. "I don't hear anything."
Helen, the house mom, fired two night shift dancers the prior week when she caught them with cocaine in the bathroom. The club had a strict policy against drug use, and Helen already had something against Kendall. Or, at least that was Kendall's perception.
"Okay." She brought the tiny spoon to her nostril and inhaled.
The door opened just as she finished. It was Helen. "Darcy? You here?"
Kendall immediately started to cough.
I wiped my nose before turning around to answer her while simultaneously blocking my friend from view as she hid our little secret in my locker. "Yeah?"
Helen opened the door to the cramped room just enough to make eye contact with me. "You got a guy waiting in VIP. Paid for an hour."
"Who is it?"
"Dunno. Never seen him before." She stepped back into the hall and let the door slam shut.
Kendall chuckled as she combed her fingers through her long red hair. "You were right about switching to a spoon. So much easier to hide."
Sighing, I walked over to the mirror. "Told you."
I freshened up my heavy makeup and adjusted my boobs in my tight blue mini-dress as we gossiped about Helen not doing her job. She had recently come back to work at this club after leaving for seven months, and her return came with much drama. Day shift was usually more laid back. The girls here were nice, or at least, tolerable, compared to some of the clubs where I worked years earlier. Helen's sudden presence made things a little uncomfortable, but I wasn't ready to quit my job yet.
Kendall and I had almost the same shade of bright re
d hair. Hers was a worn, ratty wig. Mine was dyed red with several long dark streaks that were so black, they looked like I'd taken a magic marker to large chunks of my hair. It took a lot of maintenance to keep those two colors from fading but I didn't care. I enjoyed spending a day every couple weeks getting my hair and nails done, followed by a facial and a massage.
I gave myself a once-over in the full length mirror before leaving the locker room. Boobs were supported just enough in my strapless dress to look like they could fall out any second. Bottom hem of the dress stopped just below my inner thighs. My stomach was kind of soft, but the dress clung nicely to my curves. And I had finally gotten used to my new pair of white platform heels. I spritzed myself with some body spray to freshen up before meeting my mystery date. It made me smile to think about it that way. These guys were usually just lonely and liked it when a woman sat there and listened. I didn't mind them fondling my breasts a lit while they were talking, but I wouldn't let them touch me anywhere else.
Safe With Me, Part 8 (The End) Page 14