I turned my head to see him giving me a thoughtful look. "What? Church?"
"Yeah," he said. "Would that make you feel better about me? I may never understand it but I'll do anything to make you happy."
"I don't know what to say."
"Well, the offer's there." He shook his head, eyes looking away at nothing. "I'm sorry I ever judged you for going to church. It's just never been a part of my life, and I had my Mom trying to force all that shit on me a few years ago after Dad died."
"I know. That happens."
"So…" He paused, narrowing his eyes at me. "I'm sorry, I'm trying not to upset you, especially after what happened back in February, but that's the one thing about you I just don't get. Especially after I heard what happened to you, in your pastor's basement. Seems like you'd never wanna go back."
Pastor's basement? I wasn't sure if that bit of information was in Kate's infamous note. "What did my brother tell you?"
He winced. "He told me…enough."
"Do you still talk to him?"
Again, he winced.
I rolled my eyes. "It's okay. I kinda wondered if you did."
"Look, sweetie, I'm not gonna try to take up for him. He did you wrong. He and your sister both did. But he's the only guy who understands how much I miss you."
Tears filled my eyes. "You talk to him a lot?"
"Once in a while." He waited a few moments, then hesitantly added, "And, I sorta took a little trip over spring break…."
I gasped. "Huh?"
His eyes were wild. "It wasn't my idea, originally. Corbie was already thinking about seeing your cousin over break so we found a cheap flight to Charlotte."
"Corbie and Ashley? That's, like, a thing?"
He shrugged. "Kinda shaky right now from what I understand, but yeah."
"Holy shit."
He draped his arm across my stomach. "Please don't freak out. I probably shouldn't have told you but you're gonna find out anyway, after you come home with me."
"It's okay." I sniffled and ignored his comment about going home with him. "Look, I know Matt's sorry. I suppose Tabby is, too. It was a fucked-up situation for everyone." I paused, waiting until I could talk again without crying. "I even blamed Mom for a while but Preston didn't want that. He never saw her again after their affair but he talked about those two weeks with her like it was the best time of his life. He taught me how to live in the moment, 'cause that's all we have." I looked in his eyes, hoping he'd understand. "Like, it's better to make happy memories that'll last a lifetime than keep trying to chase the next big thrill."
"Happy memories?" He grinned. "Like the ones you can lock away in a room, or in a safe? Keep 'em there till you feel like dealing with 'em someday? Is that what you're trying to do with me? Make one night of happy memories and then try to bottle ‘em up and lock ‘em away?" He was still grinning, but his eyes glistened with tears.
I nodded, trying to remain calm.
He chuckled nervously and wiped his eyes with one hand. "Look, it sounds like Preston was an interesting guy. I wish I could've met him. But sweetie, he didn't do you any favors by leaving you all that money." He gritted his teeth and softly added, "I hate your money. I mean, I'm glad you can take care of people, and I know you have a big heart and you probably give away more than you ever spend on yourself. But you don't need that much freedom. I hate that you can just leave town and change your name and disappear." He paused to wipe his face with the sheet. "I wish you had to depend on me."
I probably would've been offended if he hadn’t been so sad. I lay there, gazing at him, trying to make sense of my feelings.
Tyler shook his head and continued. "Look, don't get me wrong. I'm sure there's a lot I don't know. If he'd never sent someone to look for you, I may have never met you at all. Is that true?"
I nodded.
He smiled. "Well then, I'm grateful." He stopped smiling. "But it still sucks."
"He just wanted to take care of me, that's all. He wanted to make up for how crappy my life was." I had a sudden urge to tell him something I hadn't thought about in a long time. It was a story that would possibly make him understand me a little better. "Did you know my brother Matt's name is Matthias?"
"Yeah. I'd never heard that name before. Mom was talking about it one day. Said you guys all had Biblical names."
"Uh-huh. All from the book of Acts. It started when my grandparents had twin girls. Named them Lydia and Priscilla. And, my dad," I paused to roll my eyes, "I still call him Dad. Anyway, he liked the idea so he and Mom named my sister Tabitha. Then there was me, Susanna, and my brother, Matthias. Everybody always used to ask about it all the time." I chuckled for a moment. "And Matt used to get upset with everyone thinking his name was Matthew."
"He says he's thought about having it legally changed."
"I'm sure he has." I nodded. "Dad led Wednesday night Bible study at the church for a while when I was maybe nine or ten years old. He went through a series about Acts. I didn't listen to his teaching because I was in the youth group, but I remember him preparing for it at home. He did all these specific subjects first, and then he did a week each on Lydia, Priscilla, Tabitha, and Matthias. So, naturally, I thought he'd do Susanna but when I asked him, he just said she wasn't important." I blotted my eyes with the sheet and kept talking. "Mom heard him and took me to my room. She said Dad meant that people just didn't know that much about Susanna and there was some kind of controversy. She went on and on. But that's not what Dad meant, and we both knew it."
"I'm so sorry. That's terrible."
I wiped my eyes and continued. "Look, after all that, I know it doesn't make sense that I go to church sometimes, but that's something I do for me. I know what I believe. Mom always told me Dad wasn't perfect, but he did his best. I didn't know why she always said that to me until years after she died. I wonder if maybe there were times he really did try to love me as a daughter, but he was still so angry with her for cheating. He always took it out on me. I don't hold his actions against anyone but him."
"Susie—"
I interrupted him before he could tell me he was sorry again. I didn't want his pity. "It's okay. I don't want you or anyone else feeling sorry for me. Life isn't fair. Sometimes people are born into situations that are fucked up right from the start. Sure, maybe Mom should've told me he wasn't my dad, but she was scared of him. She always tried to make it up to me. Matt and Tabby were probably angry because it seemed like Mom favored me, but Dad always favored them and treated me like shit. We were kids. It didn't make sense." I wiped my face. "It'll never make sense, but that's okay. I'd rather just keep moving on than let myself get upset about it."
Tyler pulled me close and kissed my forehead. We stayed there in silence for a long time. I prayed in my mind that he'd have peace when he woke up the next morning and I was gone, and that someday we'd both look back on our time together, and smile.
*
Tyler
Thursday, June 9, 2011
3:32 AM
I opened my eyes. The room was dark. I straightened my arm, reaching out for her.
She wasn't there, but the sheet was warm.
I sat up straight, tossed the covers aside, and immediately jumped out of bed, running toward a tiny stream of light near the bathroom.
Please be in there, please be in there…
It sounded like the bathroom fan was on, but that didn't mean anything. I knocked on the door.
"Susie?"
"Yeah?" Her voice sounded sleepy.
Yes! I could breathe again. She hadn't left me. I only had to make it a few more hours, then I'd figure out how to get her on that plane. Or, hell, maybe we could drive or take a train. I didn't give a fuck how we got there but I knew I'd figured it out later today. I would've done it right after I heard about my uncle's surgery, but I wasn't going to waste a second of my time with her. There was no doubt in my mind we'd figure out the best way to get back to my house. My first priority was making sure I didn't lose her a
gain.
I went to the sink outside the bathroom door and drank another full glass of water. That's how I stayed awake. I didn't know exactly when we both fell asleep, but this was the second time I had to get up to go to the bathroom. My plan to stay up most of the night was working like a charm. It probably meant taking a long nap the following afternoon, but if she was next to me, I'd be just fine.
She was naked when she came out of the bathroom. I took it as a good sign. If she were wearing clothes, it meant she was dressed to go somewhere. But no, she was coming back to bed where we were both naked.
I drew her into my arms and gave her a kiss. I felt her smile against my lips and put her hands on my back. We kissed until I absolutely couldn't wait any longer. That water was too much for me. I broke the kiss and said, "You better be going back to bed," as I opened the bathroom door. She laughed.
A few minutes later, after drinking another glass of water, I was in bed beside her again. The next time I woke up, I planned to put on my boxers and maybe a T-shirt in case I suddenly had to run out of the room to catch her. For now, I thought it was safe to stay naked. It was still dark outside and it sounded like she was already in the midst of slumber again. As light as I was sleeping, there was no way she was going to escape.
I loved the feel of her bare skin against mine when I curled my hips against hers. With my arm around her waist, I pressed my stomach against her back and whispered in her ear, "Please, don't leave me."
She murmured, "Love you, Tyler."
I didn't care anymore if I sounded like a stalker. I knew what was best for her. For both of us. I'd never been more certain of anything in my life.
I thought back to the night when she first told me she couldn't have a boyfriend. She said there was something about her that she couldn't tell me, but if I knew what it was, I'd run away screaming. And I remembered being proud of myself, thinking I'd broken through her first barrier of defense. Shit, I thought I was so close back then. Every day it felt like I was getting through to her a little more.
I was overjoyed the night I finally got her to be my girlfriend. And then, a few months later, the day she accidentally said she loved me. Damn, I thought for sure that was it. I'd broken through and there was no turning back. My hard work had paid off, and she was all mine.
And here I was, in a hotel room somewhere in Indiana, holding on to her for dear life.
Sure, I'd gotten through her first wall of defense, but behind that was another wall. And then another wall. And then another fifty feet of cement. Fuck. I had a lot of work to do. Maybe it would be a slow process of chipping away. I could gently persuade her every step until we arrived at my house. She might be cautious at first, but she'd slowly get over it. I'd give her space. Make her feel at home. Show her she would always be safe with me.
It absolutely had to work. Without her, life was empty.
Susie
Thursday, June 9, 2011
6:40 AM
I tried not to look at Tyler. It would only make me start crying. And that would probably wake him up again.
I figured out what he was doing pretty quickly. Each time he got out of bed to pee, he drank a glass or two of water. I doubted he'd gotten an hour of sleep all night.
I woke up less than a minute earlier. He was snoring softly, wearing only his boxer shorts. I wanted so much to nuzzle up to his bare chest, but I was afraid I'd wake him.
So, I tiptoed to the alarm clock and unplugged it, in case he set it without telling me. Then I tiptoed to the foot of the bed and watched him sleep as I pulled my shorts on. For a moment, I wondered what it'd be like to be wake up next to him in twenty years. Would he have long, gray hair by then? What about in thirty years? Forty?
No. I'd never make it that long. Every morning I'd wake up scared that today was the day my dream would end. He was a mirage in the desert for me. A sweet, beautiful, intelligent, honest man who only wanted me because he couldn't have me.
I nodded, reassuring myself. Yes, that's it. It's because he can't have me. The minute I let him have me, it'll all be over.
Or maybe not. Maybe he'd still want me - until he finds out how crazy I really am. He'll get tired of convincing me he's not going anywhere. Or convincing me I'm not worthless. I'll run him off because he'll never understand the depths of my pain. He could never have a normal life with me.
Maybe some women would look at him and see a life full of hope, but all I could see was the promise of pain. I'd lose him someday. Maybe to death, maybe to another woman. Yeah, it was probably death. Maybe his uncle had the same heart problem that caused Tyler's dad's heart attack. Maybe Tyler was next.
My conscience felt lighter as my reasoning traveled down its familiar path. I knew I was doing him a favor, whether he knew it or not. He deserved a life of happiness with a woman who could give him what he needed, not someone like me. I was too logical. I knew we'd never work out. We didn't make sense. Someone who'd been through as much as I had, with someone as perfect as him. No. It couldn't possibly work out.
I laughed inside. He always said he wanted a drama-free woman. Didn't he ever stop to realize that I was probably the most dramatic woman he'd ever met?
Yes, yes. You're doing the right thing. Don't look at him again, Susie. Just make sure he's still asleep as you fasten your bra. Now pull your shirt over your head. Now stash your panties in your overnight bag and quietly walk to the door. Don't put your shoes on till you get to the hallway.
I tried to be as quiet as possible as I slipped the 'Do Not Disturb' sign over the door handle. He'd probably be awake by the time housekeeping came by, anyway.
I turned to walk down the hall and was startled by two maintenance men carrying a ladder.
"Mornin' ma'am." The short guy with a mustache tipped his hat.
I put up my hand and gave them both a shy wave. I whispered, "There's a guy trying to sleep in there."
The taller one nodded and whispered, "They're all sleeping, ma'am. We'll only be a minute."
I heard them walk a little further down, then set up their ladder as I padded down to the stairwell entrance in my bare feet, carrying my flip-flops in my hand. When I got to the metal door, I let the flip-flops fall on the carpet and slipped my feet inside. I would've taken the elevator, but with my luck, he'd wake up just as the elevator bell sounded and the doors opened.
My toes almost lost traction and launched me down the stairs several times, but somehow I made it to the bottom of that dark stairwell. Just before I got to the lobby, I looked around to make sure I was alone, then sat my bag on the bottom stair and opened it. I craved the contents of a little plastic jar. It was inside my makeup bag and looked like a container of eye shadow. I found it quickly, then fished out a narrow metal fingernail file in the bottom of the makeup bag. I scooped out some of the powder and put it up to my nostril and inhaled. I was about to do the other nostril when I thought I heard the echoes of a door opening upstairs. As fast as possible, I screwed the top of the jar back on, tossed it inside the bag, wiped my nose. I then went out to the lobby and took an immediate right, exiting the hotel to run outside in the fresh, early morning air.
I walked fast across the parking lot, waiting for that little spark of energy to kick in. Hopefully it would be just enough to make me feel good and keep me from crying, at least for a little while.
My heart was beating a reckless pace as I walked across the road. The further I walked from the hotel, the better I felt. As long as I didn't let myself think about him laying there alone in that bed.
I walked a little further until I came to a small park. It was really just a thicket of trees with a few benches scattered around, but it was the perfect place to hide out and make a phone call. It hadn't been daylight for long, and the dew was thick. I took a few deep breaths and sat down on the damp metal bench with my bag beside me.
I got out my phone to call Gloria. She always made everything better. When we last spoke several weeks earlier she said something about going to Irela
nd on vacation. I hoped it wasn't this week because I didn't want to have to explain my predicament to anyone but her. Maybe she'd pick up anyway…
My panic turned to relief when I heard her voice after the fourth ring.
"Hello? Darcy?" she said.
I laughed. She made it a point to say my new name every time I called, and she always did it with a little bit of whimsy, like we had an inside joke. "Hey Gloria. How are you?"
"I'm fantastic. It's a beautiful morning and I just sat down with my coffee." Her voice got serious. "What is it? You never call me this early."
"Well, you're not gonna believe this, but I need to disappear again."
She was silent.
"Hello?" I asked. "Are you there? Gloria? Did we get disconnected."
Safe With Me, Part 8 (The End) Page 18