“I love Tennyson. Perfect for a day like this.”
She leaned back in her chair, and he struggled to turn the little pages. His fingers were rough, and the pages stuck together and then flipped back before he could get them separated. At this rate, he wouldn’t get a word out before nightfall.
Finally, he found the opening page and stammered out the first line. Poetry. He had no idea how to read poetry. No doubt he sounded like a fool, but Mariah didn’t stop him. He plodded through line after torturous line until at last the thing was done.
“Bravo!” she exclaimed and clapped far too loudly.
He felt the heat rise to his face. “That wasn’t very good.”
She leaned toward him, a gentle smile curving her lips. “It was wonderful and totally unexpected.” Tears welled in her eyes. “I am so honored.” Her lips were full and red and so beautiful he could hardly stand it.
“Thank you.”
He wanted to kiss her, to hold her close and smell her hair and feel her soft skin. He wanted to gaze at the stars like that night at Gillard’s ranch and know without a doubt that they were meant for each other. He wanted above all to tell her how he really felt, that he would go to the ends of the earth for her, that he would do anything for her.
But she’d set her heart on Gillard.
Unless she hadn’t given her answer yet. The man said something about tomorrow morning. Maybe Hendrick still had one last chance. Well, he’d take it. No holding back. Even if she chose Gillard, she deserved to know how he felt.
Hendrick Simmons didn’t speak of love through poetry. He said it straight, clear and unmistakable. “I love you, Mariah.”
Her eyelids flickered in panic. “Hendrick—”
He wouldn’t let her cut him off this time. “I’ve always loved you, from the moment I first saw you drive into town in your Overland. So confident and certain of what you wanted. I’ve never met anyone like you.” Though her expression grew more stricken with every word, he pressed on. “I would love you forever. I don’t have a fancy car or a big house like other men, and I can’t give you everything you deserve—”
“Stop, please.” She pushed away from the table. When she stood, her chair toppled over and her napkin fell to the ground. “It can never be.” She clutched a hand to her throat, her chest rising and falling rapidly.
He stood. “Mariah. I love you.”
“Stop, oh, stop,” she cried, flailing her arms though he hadn’t even touched her. “I told you we could never be more than friends.” Her voice came out ragged, and it killed him not to hold her.
“I know I’m not wealthy or educated.”
“It has nothing to do with money or education.” She hugged her arms, shaking.
“Then why?”
She sobbed once, a quick heave before regaining her composure. But when she looked up at him, his heart sank. “Because I can’t have children.” The words fell like bricks. “Ever.”
No children? His mind reeled. He’d always hoped for a family, dreamed of raising children. Boys or girls. It didn’t matter, as long as there were lots of them. A houseful. Children had been the most important thing to Pa. How often he’d told Hendrick that he was glad he’d had a son to carry on the family name. No children?
“Are you sure?”
She nodded, unable to look at him. “The doctors…confirmed it. I had surgery when I was Anna’s age. They found tumors…and took everything.” Her shoulders shook as she forced out the last painful words. “It’s impossible.”
She was hurting, and he knew he should hold her, but his world had just shattered. She couldn’t give him the one thing he most wanted. No wonder she’d said she wanted to marry a widower. No wonder she’d brushed him aside over and over.
“I knew I should tell you,” she whispered, “but I…” Her voice trailed off.
He reached out to comfort her, but his hand trembled. He let it drop. He shouldn’t hold her if he couldn’t promise her a lifetime together. And now they both knew that was impossible.
He had to go somewhere. He had to take it all in, not here, far from all he knew and loved. He had to leave.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, backing away. “I have to go.”
Only this time, it would be forever.
Chapter Sixteen
Mariah pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that threatened to break loose. Hendrick had reacted exactly the way she’d thought he would, but she’d never imagined it would hurt so much.
Any hope of a life together was over, and she realized now that she had clung to that hope more than she wanted to believe. She did love him, and that meant breaking it off now, before she gave her answer to Gillard, before Hendrick learned she was staying. At least he would have a chance to love again.
The drive home was painful. Only Anna spoke, chattering away about fish and birds and whatnot. Mariah barely heard a word she said. Hendrick kept up a stoic facade, but she could tell he was hurting. Oh, he acted the gentleman, but not one word of substantial conversation passed his lips.
Once they arrived at the hotel, Mariah excused herself, claiming she needed to rest. In truth, she needed to get away before she fell apart. Only when she reached the sanctuary of her room did she allow the sobs to wring out. She would never forget his expression. Surprise followed by disbelief and then resignation as the truth sank in. He didn’t bother to brush aside the curl that drooped across his brow. His warm brown eyes grew cold. His hope shriveled.
She’d done it. Over and over she stabbed herself with the memory, weeping for all that had been lost and all that would never be.
Suddenly the door burst open.
Mariah lifted her tear-dampened face to see Anna.
“He’s taking the first train home,” Anna announced, oblivious to Mariah’s distress. She slammed the door shut. “How could you?”
He’d told her. Mariah traced the squares on the checked coverlet. “Nothing has changed since two years ago.”
“You have. You’re cold and unfeeling and, and…I hate you.” With the black certainty of youth, Anna flung open the door. The knob banged against the wall. “I can’t believe I wanted you to be my sister.” A sob escaped. “I used to look up to you. I thought you were so smart, but you’re as bad as the rest of those snobs.”
Mariah flinched. She’d never considered herself arrogant. Was that how Anna saw her? “I’m sorry I hurt your brother.”
“No, you’re not. You’re not sorry about anything. It’s all about what you want. You think you know what’s best for everyone. You think you’re helping Luke, but you never even asked what he wants.”
“He’s a child.”
“He’s ten years old. He knows what he wants. He remembers his father, and he remembers being left at the orphanage.”
“How do you know?” Mariah asked. “Luke never talks about his past.”
“He talks to Peter. He tells him everything, even how scared he was that that man would hurt him. If you’d just asked, you’d know how Luke felt, but you didn’t, did you? You just assumed that what you wanted was best for him.”
Two words burrowed into Mariah’s brain. “What man is he afraid of? His father?”
Anna shook her head. “He loved his father. No, someone else who hurt him.”
“Who, Anna?” Mariah wanted to shake her. “This is important.”
“He doesn’t know the man’s name, but he’d know him if he saw him.”
Mariah squeezed her eyes shut. Another dead end. Her fate was sealed. If Luke had feared his father, she might have been able to bring that to the courts, but an anonymous man? That didn’t help one bit.
“Please tell your brother that I’m sorry I hurt him,” she said softly, “and that I won’t be returning to Pearlman.”
“Good. We don’t want you there. We’re tired of being at your beck and call.” Anna tossed her head, but her quivering lips betrayed her. “Hendrick is checking the train schedule, and I’m going with him.” She
spun out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
The reverberations echoed deep into Mariah’s soul. She hadn’t used Hendrick and Anna, had she? They’d wanted to join her. Gabe had insisted they go. She would have driven to Montana by herself. They were in no way obligated to come along. She’d paid their way.
No, she hadn’t used them. But if she was truthful with herself, she had to admit that she’d let Hendrick believe she cared for him. She’d let him kiss her.
Of that, she was guilty.
“First train heading east is Friday at twelve-thirty,” the Great Northern Railway agent stated. “You’ll need to change at Shelby and Slayton, where, if you’re lucky, you can catch the Chicago, Milwaukee and St. Paul eastbound.”
Hendrick heard the details, but he couldn’t concentrate on them. Mariah couldn’t have children. No wonder she’d devoted her life to the orphans. They were her children, but that wasn’t enough for him. He wanted little ones of his own, babies in his arms. He wanted to experience the miracle of creation and know he’d been part of it. From the moment he’d first seen Mariah, he’d imagined them together, holding their first child, touching the tiny toes and marveling over a new life. He couldn’t give that up.
“Do you want to purchase tickets now?” the agent asked.
“Huh?” Hendrick shook his head. “Friday, you said? Are you sure that’s the first train?”
The man grumbled, “Of course I’m sure. It’s my job.”
“Sorry. It’s just that I’m anxious to get home.” He’d say goodbye to Ma and head east to Curtiss Aeroplane. He couldn’t stay in Pearlman where everyone would whisper that Mariah had rejected him again. He needed a new city and a new start as an aviation engineer.
“I told her how I felt.” Anna bounded to his side while he pulled out the bills to pay the fare. “I’m going with you.”
That would leave Mariah alone in Brunley, but Hendrick had a feeling that’s exactly where she intended to stay.
“Tickets for two, then.” He handed the agent the fare before asking his sister what Mariah had said.
Anna shrugged. “What could she say? That she was sorry she hurt you, blah, blah, blah. But she didn’t mean it. She wouldn’t even look at me.”
Hendrick thought he couldn’t hurt anymore, but Anna’s words drove the last spike into his heart. If Mariah wouldn’t look at his sister, then her mind was settled on Gillard. He felt like vomiting.
“She still thinks she’s doing the right thing, that she’s the almighty judge of everyone’s life,” Anna continued.
Hendrick squeezed his eyes shut. “Stop, please.”
“Why?”
He steeled his jaw. “I won’t hear anything bad about Mariah. She’s a good and honorable woman. It just didn’t work out between us. That’s not her fault.” He breathed out, hoping to expel a little of the pain. “It’s my fault for pushing even after she told me to stop.”
He clutched the train tickets. Soon he’d leave Mariah behind forever, but not the pain. No, that wouldn’t disappear for a long, long time.
Mariah pretended to sleep when Anna returned to the room after dark, but her mind wouldn’t rest. She had to accept the position with Frank Gillard, didn’t she? It made sense. She couldn’t keep Luke from his father. He’d need her to make the transition.
Then why did she feel so awful? Hendrick Simmons stirred her soul. This decision would be much easier if she didn’t love him. But she did. She did.
Though she tossed and turned all night, when morning dawned clear and warm, she acted decisively. She dressed for touring, in a simple split skirt and blouse. Breakfast being out of the question, she packed crackers for later and stepped out of the hotel to meet Frank Gillard.
Anna had slept through her preparations, but Hendrick was already at the garage. She could see him with a handful of locals gathered around the fire engine. His sleeves were rolled up and his hands dirty, the hands of a workingman who would provide for his family. A good, honest man of the highest integrity. She choked back a sob as Frank Gillard’s blue Packard approached.
The time had arrived.
Hendrick glanced up, spotted her and Gillard’s car and looked down just as quickly. She bit the inside of her lip until it bled, but the pain could never rival his. She wished above all that she could have done this without hurting him again.
Gillard jumped out of the car. “Ready?”
She dragged her attention away from Hendrick. Gillard held the passenger door open. “I thought we had to travel by horse to get into the park.”
“We’ll drive to East Glacier and take horses from there.” He helped her into the passenger seat before hopping behind the wheel. “I keep a pair in a stable near the big hotel. Have you seen it? The beams are made out of huge trees.”
Her mind wandered while he talked about the hotel and the park. She’d half expected him to demand an answer the moment he picked her up, but he smiled and talked as if he already knew what she would say.
Still, her stomach knotted tighter and tighter as they got closer to the mountains. She squeezed her eyes shut when they reached the switchbacks so she wouldn’t see how close they came to the precipitous drop-offs.
“You can open your eyes now,” he finally announced, gliding the car to a stop before a large stable. “We’re here.”
She gladly got out of the car. A hot wind swirled through the dusty stable yard, raising clouds of fine silt. Two horses awaited them, a bay and a painted mare. Though a groom stood by, Gillard helped her onto the paint before mounting the bay. He tipped the groom, and they took off.
“It’s a short ride to my favorite spot,” he said. “About an hour.”
For the first part of the trip, they rode side by side while Gillard pointed out the peaks of the Continental Divide and the cut where the Great Northern Railway went through Marias Pass.
“Only way across the Rockies for a couple hundred miles,” he said, “unless you cross on horseback. One day they’ll build the road through, but now, you have to put your car on the train to get across.”
She pretended to be interested, but all she could think about was if Hendrick and Anna had boarded the train yet. Would she return tonight to find them gone? The cowardly part of her hoped she would, and the aching part of her hoped she’d have one more chance to make amends.
Gillard didn’t notice her distraction and continued to talk about the park. “The Great Northern Railway built the lodges and chalets a day’s ride apart, so tourists can travel deep into the park. The most stunning peaks are north, but we don’t have enough time for that today.” He smiled at her beneath the wide brim of his cowboy hat. “Luke needs to see this. It’s his heritage and his inheritance.”
Again, Mariah recalled the birth record she’d seen on Gillard’s desk. Luke was half-Indian, mixed-blood. Did Luke know? Is that why he’d been so ashamed by the racial slurs flung at him two years ago? She still cringed at the rancor of that day. Thank God Gabe had taken Luke into his home. Thank God Luke responded to Gabe’s love. She’d been Gabe’s housekeeper at the time and had scolded her brother for taking on the added responsibility when he was just starting his ministry, but within days the boy had won her heart. Over the following weeks, she’d watched him blossom from a mute, terrified orphan into an outgoing, beloved son. Now he would have to go through that process all over again.
For the next fifteen minutes, they ascended single file up a narrow trail through a spruce forest. Mariah had to squeeze her knees into the mare’s sides to keep her seat. She hadn’t ridden a horse in years, and it showed.
“Are we almost there?” she wheezed, breathing harder.
“Take long, slow breaths,” he said. “The air is thinner up here.”
“Also cooler.” She was glad she had a sweater with her.
After more switchbacks than she could count, they at last came into a field strewn with wildflowers in every imaginable hue. Before them rose the mountains, their peaks lightly dusted with t
he remnants of last winter’s snow. Far below, a turquoise-colored lake glistened like a gemstone. The sheer beauty left her speechless. God’s creation spread before her in all its majesty. Inspired, she sang a couple lines of “For the Beauty of the Earth.”
“What’s that tune?” Gillard asked as he helped her dismount.
Who didn’t know that cherished hymn? “Surely you’ve heard it in church before.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “In case you didn’t notice, there aren’t many churches in these parts.”
“There’s a very nice one in town.”
He shrugged. “I’m not much of a singer.”
“You said you’d bring Luke to church.”
His mouth curved. “Of course. Do you want to eat our lunch or sightsee?”
Though he’d answered her in the affirmative, Mariah couldn’t shake the sense of dread. Something was wrong, off-kilter. It must be fatigue. She hadn’t slept much last night. She was overwrought. Nothing a little rest—or a good meal—wouldn’t cure.
“Let’s eat,” she decided.
Compared to her paltry crackers, Gillard laid out a feast on the flat rock overlooking the valley. Roast-beef sandwiches with mustard on fresh bread. On any other day, she would have savored the flavors, but today everything tasted like paste. Must be nerves. Once she gave Gillard her answer, she’d feel better.
“I thought over your proposal,” she began, shifting to a flatter spot on the rock. Flies buzzed around them, drawn by the food.
He lifted a hand. “Let me speak first.”
Though he sat close, the sun from behind cast his face in shadow. She had to squint and pull her hat low to make out his features.
“Do you believe in fate?” he asked.
“I believe in God’s plan.”
“Same thing. Over the last few days, I couldn’t help thinking that fate had intervened. At first I was annoyed at the delay.” He laughed. “I thought you were trying to keep my son from me.”
She smiled wanly.
“Then I got to really know you, and I realized you were perfect.”
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