by Nicola Haken
“Actually we kinda do. Sure he likes dick, I like pussy, but we just gel, ya know? Same taste in music, books, movies… same sense of humor. Or he’s not offended by my sense of humor at least. Suppose it just makes a refreshing change. I’d spent ten solid years with no one but the guys, now they’re all movin’ on and it’s nice to have someone to hang out with.”
“And you’re sure he’s not crushing on you?” I joked.
“Hell no! I mean…no. Of course he’s not. Holy shit, you don’t think…”
“I’m just fucking with you, Matt.”
“But wait, why wouldn’t he be? I’m hot, right?”
“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s attracted to every man ever to walk the earth.”
“Hmm.”
“You’re not seriously offended are you?” I asked, unable to suppress the laugh that burst from my throat.
“Yeah, I kinda am. Fuck, maybe I do need to find me some hot pussy after all.”
“Okay I’m gonna leave you to think about that while I dump this stuff in my room.” Smiling at the look of rejection on Matt’s face, I turned and headed up the spiral staircase in the center of the room.
Walking straight past Matt’s room, I went to the end of the hall. Of course, just like all the other bedrooms, this one had mirrored ceilings. I looked up at my reflection for a few seconds before tossing my bag onto the king-sized bed, then I peered into the empty closets and the en suite bathroom, familiarizing myself with my surroundings. At the foot of the bed there was a large bay window overlooking Matt’s pool. The clear water rippled softly in the slight breeze and I made a mental note to take a dip in that baby before I left.
Backing up and sitting down on the edge of the mattress, I huffed into my shoulder. I felt emotionally drained and decided I would give up looking for a place to live today, but wouldn’t stop tomorrow until I’d found somewhere. Flopping back onto the bed so I was lying down with my hands locked behind my head, my mom popped involuntarily into my mind. I wondered what she’d think of me right now, whether she’d be disappointed or proud that I was trying my fucking best to survive without her.
I missed her. I always missed her. My mom was an incredible woman – so brave and strong. And she knew me. She got me, and she loved me unconditionally. When I really thought about it, I realized she was the only person who ever had. I remember spending months building up the courage to tell her I was gay when I was fifteen years old. Her words of love and support echoed as loud in my mind today as they did back then.
“Oh, have you found someone nice?” she asked with a curious smile.
“Not yet. But… I just know.”
I’d expected her to say something like, I couldn’t possibly know for sure if I hadn’t dated a girl yet, or maybe even tell me I could grow out of it. But instead she just smiled sweetly and nodded.
“Of course you do. It’s your mind and your body, honey. If it’s telling you something you have to listen to it.”
“So… you don’t mind?”
“Don’t be so silly, Mason. You’re my son and I love you. Why would you think that?”
“Dunno,” I shrugged nervously. “Guess I thought you’d try and convince me it was a phase.”
“Oh I don’t believe that. You never hear of young boys bringing their first girlfriend home and their parents telling them liking girls might be a phase. I don’t see why this should be any different. Are you happy, honey?”
“Yeah. Yeah I am.”
“Then nothing else matters. Now go and get cleaned up. Supper will be ready soon.”
“I love you, Mom.”
Bringing me into a tight hug, she held me close and kissed the side of my head.
“I love you too, Mason. Always and forever.”
A knock on the bedroom door startled me out of my reverie. I jolted upright on the bed, hollering ‘Come in!’ as I did.
“Hey, Saw and Jake are coming around. You comin’ down?”
“Um, sure,” I mumbled, feeling anxious about seeing them. Sawyer and Jake, and technically Matt too, were Ryder’s friends. They would always have his back and rightly so. I couldn’t expect them to choose my side over his, not that I even understood why there would be a need for ‘sides’ in the first place. Standing up from the bed, I couldn’t help thinking what a giant mess this situation was, and I had no idea why. “I’ll be down in five.”
After changing into a clean top I gave myself a quick glance over in the mirror, running my fingers through my hair before I went downstairs. I could hear voices on my approach and when I reached the bottom step I noticed Jake standing by the kitchen island.
“Hey,” I greeted, making my way over to where he stood.
“Hi. Wasn’t expecting to see you here. How’ve you been?”
“Good thanks,” I lied with a weak smile. “Where’re Sawyer and Matt?”
“Bringing beers in from the car.” As if by magic, they both appeared in that very second with their arms weighed down with crates.
“Oh,” Sawyer said, looking at me with a perplexed expression as he lowered his crate onto the walnut island. “You’re here.”
“Um, yeah,” I stuttered nervously past the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. Shouldn’t I be here? Has Ryder told him something? Was he pissed with me?
“Elle can’t get hold of Ry. She assumed he was with you.”
“Sorry, not seen him since last night.” Unless you count the moment our eyes briefly met while I was shooting with Gio earlier.
“You guys okay?”
I was about to lie yet again when Matt interrupted me.
“They’ve had a lovers quarrel,” Matt chirped, smiling with a hint of amusement.
“Shut the fuck up, twat,” Sawyer scolded before looking right at me. He raised an eyebrow just slightly, as if silently asking me if I was okay. I nodded, feeling a little confused by his concern.
“Hey, you firing up the barbecue?” Sawyer asked Matt, thankfully forcing a subject change.
“Fuck no. I don’t cook. Told Alex to bring Chinese food with him. He’ll be here in an hour.”
“You don’t cook ever?” I interjected.
“Why cook when you can pay someone to do it for you?”
“Because homemade tastes better. It’s relaxing too. Therapeutic even.”
“Hey, I don’t need a fucking therapist.”
“That’s not what…never mind,” I trailed off, smiling and shaking my head.
“Jake, pop some of those beers in the cooler. I’m gonna take a shower before Alex gets here.”
“Nice to know you don’t mind stinking for us, dude,” Sawyer joked. Matt flipped him the bird and turned towards the stairs, leaving the three of us alone. I made my way over to the L-shaped, white leather couch and sat back with my feet up, crossing my ankles. When Sawyer and Jake joined me a minute or so later, we discussed the studio for a while. With their old careers behind them they’d really thrown themselves into the business. They worked great with Ivan and the place had such a positive atmosphere under their influence, despite the fact they were brand new to the industry.
Around fifteen minutes later, Jake’s cell rang and after telling Sawyer it was someone called Roger, he excused himself and left the room to answer.
“That’s the guy in charge of my rebuild back in the UK,” Sawyer explained. “Jake kinda took over being in charge,” he added with slight humor in his voice. “He does that a lot.”
I remember seeing photos of Sawyer’s burning house spread across celebrity magazines the day after it happened. It felt bizarre that I was now talking to him, thee Sawyer Knight, about it face to face.
“And how’s it going?”
“Almost complete. Took longer than I expected but it’s not too much of a big deal because we’ve only been back to England once since it happened.”
“Do you miss it? Being back home I mean.”
I wonder if Ryder does…
“Nah. Life is abo
ut people not places. Everyone I care about is out here with me. I’ve nobody to miss back home. So you wanna tell me what’s happened between you and Ry?”
Dammit. The conversation was going so well until he mentioned Ryder’s name. For a moment I almost felt relaxed.
“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted dejectedly. “I’d think it was because I told him I liked him, but really he’s been weird with me for a few weeks now.”
“I’d try not to take it too personally. I sometimes think, despite being a fun and confident looking guy, Ryder’s scared of something. Of getting close to someone.”
“Yeah. I get that feeling too.”
“Sometimes you just need to give people time. He’ll be ready when he’s ready. You can’t rush or force people to do something.”
“I’d never do that. But he’s not even giving me the chance to wait. He wants nothing to do with me.”
“He said that?”
“Yeah. I’m staying with Matt until I find a new place. Hopefully just a couple of days or so.”
“That doesn’t sound like him at all,” Sawyer muttered, concern causing the lines under his eyes to crease. I shrugged in response. What could I possibly have said? As much as I wanted to, I didn’t know Ryder. Not the real one. He wouldn’t let me.
“This probably sounds crazy, we’ve not really known each other that long, but I really care about him.”
“I know you do. And honestly? I think he feels the same.”
“I doubt that, but it doesn’t matter. Just having him as a friend makes me happy. But this… this sucks.” We sat in contemplative silence for a moment, both thinking about Ryder I imagined. “How’d you know you loved Jake?”
“Wow,” he uttered, widening his eyes. “I suppose saying ‘I just knew’ is a copout, right?”
“Not really. I think I know what you mean.”
“I’ve known Jake forever. We grew up together, shared everything. When he came back, and once I’d gotten over the shock of seeing him again, nothing had changed. I still felt like we’d known each other forever. The moment we started talking it was like the last ten years never happened. Like we’d never been apart. He’s my best friend. Always will be.”
“But not everyone sleeps with their best friend.”
“No,” he laughed. “But it’s more than that. He understands me. He loved me enough to wait for me. When we’re together I get this little rush right here,” he said, pointing to his stomach. “For ten years life felt like an act, like I was only myself when I was alone. I always put that down to the fame, that I needed to put on a constant show for the fans. It’s only now I realize I couldn’t be myself because a piece of me was missing. Jake was missing. I think that’s how I define love. When you’re apart from that person you feel a little hollow. Like you’ve forgotten something but you don’t know what.”
“That makes perfect sense to me.” Yet it also seemed bizarre. When I concentrated on the feeling in my chest, on the slight ache that wouldn’t go away, I did in fact feel a little hollow. But I couldn’t have loved Ryder. Not so soon. Not without knowing the real him, demons and all. Could I?
“You love him?”
“No,” I protested without hesitation. “I barely know him.”
“Love isn’t necessarily about knowing the other person, it’s about wanting to, and wanting to still be there when you do.”
“House is finished!” Jake beamed, strolling back into the room. The atmosphere felt tense, awkward as if we’d been discussing some deep secret. But when Sawyer stood up and wrapped his arm around Jake’s waist, kissing him on the cheek, I figured I was alone in feeling like that.
“Great!” Sawyer said. “We should plan a trip over there in the next couple of weeks.”
“We fly out next Wednesday.”
“I don’t know whether to kiss you or punch you for being so damn controlling,” Sawyer teased.
“You couldn’t land a punch on me, baby, if you gave it your all.”
“Oh yeah?” Sawyer provoked, balling his fists in front of him and sidestepping Jake. “You don’t think so?” He went to land a playful punch and Jake’s arm flew up into a block so fast it was a mere smudge in the air. Grabbing Sawyer’s arm, Jake twisted it effortlessly behind his back, pinning him face-forward to the nearest wall.
“I wasn’t ready,” Sawyer pouted.
“Well I’m always ready. Remember that.”
Laughing, the two broke apart and made their way back over to the couch. They sat next to each other opposite me, Sawyer propping his legs up on Jake’s lap, then we chatted about insignificant nonsense while we waited for Matt.
**********
Two weeks later…
“Mornin’,” Alex said sleepily, limply waving a hand at me when he entered the kitchen. I was still crashing at Matt’s because he asked me to. He enjoyed the company apparently. I however thought it was more likely because he felt sorry for me, but I agreed nonetheless because it gave me time to save up a deposit for a decent place, rather than the shitholes advertised in the newspaper.
Alex stayed over last night, taking up one of the guest rooms after a late night partying with Matt. Matt was still in bed with some chick he met in a club last night and I didn’t expect to see him for another few hours at least.
“You heard from your friend yet?”
I shook my head solemnly. I hadn’t seen or heard from Ryder in two weeks. He didn’t turn up for the Double X event and cancelled his scene with Oliver yesterday. Sawyer said Elle had seen him once or twice and that both times he’d been wasted. She was worried about him, and so was I.
“Don’t expect to either.” Holy fuck, saying that out loud hurt. My chest stung at the thought of never seeing him again, as if a vinegar doused knife had sliced straight through my heart.
“Maybe you should call him?”
“I tried that.” Several times. “He’s not interested.”
“Jeez, sorry, man.”
I smiled, though it didn’t reach my eyes.
“Matt still in bed?” I asked. I knew the answer of course but welcomed a subject change.
“Guess so. Doubt we’ll see him before noon.”
Turning on the faucet, Alex began filling the coffee machine. It was then we heard sniffling, swiftly followed by a small blond woman barreling down the stairs. She shot past us with her shoes in her hand before either of us could ask if she was okay, then when Matt appeared just seconds later, our eyes shot straight to him.
“What happened?” I asked, cocking my head in the direction the girl went.
“I asked her to leave. Think I upset her.”
“Um, yeah I’m pretty sure you did. Were you a jerk to her?” Alex pressed with an almost scolding expression.
“No!” Matt insisted. “Not really. She wanted to go for round three when she woke up, but to be honest I don’t even remember rounds one and two. She was boring me so I said I had a headache and she should go.”
“Dude, you could’ve worded it better. A headache is the lamest excuse ever.”
“So I should’ve said ‘You’re boring and uglier than I remember. Get the fuck outta my house’?”
“You could’ve at least given her a fake number or something. Let her wait till she got home before she cried.”
“Okay I get it. I’m an ass. Now I need coffee.”
“Just putting it on,” Alex said, pointing towards the coffee maker.
Matt took a seat on a breakfast stool and stretched his arms above his head, letting out an impressive yawn. He hadn’t had a chance to speak another word when he was startled by a bang upstairs.
“What the fuck was that?” he shrieked, jumping up from his stool.
“Oh, that’ll be Ryan,” Alex explained, biting his bottom lip and looking a little guilty. “Who the fuck is Ryan?”
“He came home with me last night. I was gonna ask you if it was okay, but it was late and you were…busy.” Matt shrank back a little, his face visibly h
eating. “Hey, I’m sorry. I really didn’t think you’d mind.”
“I don’t fucking mind. Why’d you think I’d fucking mind? Why the fuck would I mind?”
“Maybe because you can’t stop saying fuck?”
“I just need a fucking coffee,” he grumbled, sinking back onto his stool. Alex looked over at me, widening his eyes as if to ask me what the hell had gotten into Matt. I shrugged, quite surprised by his reaction myself. “Anyone heard from Ry?” It seemed Matt was worried about him too. We all were, and the strangest part was I would bet my life Ryder didn’t have a damn clue how much he meant to any of us.
“Elle saw him a couple of days ago. He was higher than a fucking kite apparently.”
“But he’s doing okay?”
“No. I don’t think he’s okay.” And it killed me that there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it.
“You should call him.”
Refusing to have the same conversation I had with Alex, and Elle the day before, I stood up from my stool.
“I’m gonna head to the gym. I’ll catch you guys later.”
I left without giving them a chance to reply. Stomping up the stairs as if trying to take out all my frustrations through my feet, I ran to my room to pick up my gym bag. Then I headed out for the day, planning to exercise until the point where I was too physically exhausted to think.
Chapter Eight
~Ryder~
“I don’t bottom,” I growled into the guy’s ear. I picked him up in a bar a few minutes earlier and took him straight to the hotel two doors down the street. I didn’t have a clue who he was and I didn’t care.
“Ah come on. That’s not true. I’ve seen you,” he said with a suggestive smirk. “I’ve fantasized about fucking that hot ass of yours for months.”
“I don’t bottom,” I reaffirmed roughly before attacking his mouth, muting his reply.
I fucked him fast and hard, using poppers to heighten my orgasm and make me woozy enough to forget who he was during that pivotal moment. Once I’d come I couldn’t be bothered helping him finish, so instead I pulled out, discarded my condom and waited for him to do it himself.