by Nikki Landis
“I swear I don’t know why she came here. I didn’t know she was coming and I didn’t invite her. I promise you, I never told her where I was. Please believe me.” He sounded upset.
“Yes, I believe you,” I sighed, “but why did she come here unless she has feelings for you and believes she has a chance? Have you seen or spoken to her? What happened? Just how close were you?” I was frustrated and admittedly, a little jealous.
“No, Rhiannon, we have not spoken or had any communication in a long time, since before I met you. She is delusional. She just wants what she can’t have. I will not be used by her again. You already know how close we were,” his voice became tight. He sounded a little too convincing, like he was hiding something.
“Kellen…were you…did you…sleep with her?” I asked, my voice low.
I realized suddenly that I didn’t know the answer. How did I not know that? How was it possible that I never thought to ask? I was young and innocent. I assumed that because I was a virgin, then Kellen was too. I looked at my hands nervously. I was afraid of his answer. Deathly afraid of it.
He was silent for a moment and then he tilted my chin so he could see my face. I know he could see the uncertainty and doubt in my eyes. There was no way that I could hide it. He watched my expression and bent his lips to mine briefly. He didn’t answer. I knew when he stayed quiet that the truth was my worst fear. He had been intimate with her.
Tears sprang to my eyes. I felt so betrayed in that moment. Lied to. Deceived. It wasn’t because he had been with someone else. Ok, well maybe a little. Mostly, I felt betrayed because he never told me. Not once. We were supposed to be in love, practically engaged, at least in the near future. Why didn’t he tell me this before?
Kellen was still watching my face. I saw him grimace and he dropped his hand. He knew I was upset. He knew I felt the sting of his silence. I didn’t want to but I started to cry. The tears overflowed, slipping down my cheeks silently.
Kellen slid his arms around me and hugged me tight, obviously thinking the conversation was over. Fat chance. I know he wanted me to feel better but I was so upset that I shook my head. A simple hug was not going to help.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered. I was so hurt. Devastated more like.
“Rhia, it wasn’t exactly something to bring up in every day conversation. I never meant to keep anything from you. We-” His voice was low, matching mine.
“Kellen, you had many opportunities to tell me. More than enough time. Remember the night we talked about Renee, across the portal? You could have told me everything then. Instead you kept it to yourself on purpose. That is very deceitful.” I was getting angry, interrupting him in my anguish.
“Deceitful? Rhiannon, I didn’t think the timing was right. I didn’t want to upset you. It was a special time for us. I decided to wait until the right moment.” He sounded defensive.
What right did he have to act that way?
“You mean you wanted to wait until you needed to tell me. How is that not deceitful? Kellen, I am so hurt. I just don’t know.”
I sniffled, wiping at my tear stained face, standing up and walking toward the door.
He stood and started pacing. “What are you saying? What do you mean you don’t know?”
“I don’t know Kellen. I don’t know about being with someone who can’t communicate with me or be truthful. I don’t know about being with someone who keeps secrets from me and doesn’t consider that a big deal,” I told him angrily.
He looked at me in surprise and then his expression turned angry too.
“Rhiannon, this is ridiculous. You keep things from me too. Besides, I really was going to tell you soon. I can’t help it that she showed up here today.”
Nice try but that was not enough to convince me nor was it a valid point.
“Don’t make this about me Kellen. This is about what you did.” I took a deep breath trying to force air into my aching chest. “I need some fresh air. Please don’t follow me.”
Chapter Twenty Eight
I turned and left the room, walking slowly down the stairs. I didn’t like the path my thoughts were traveling on. Knowing about Kellen and Renee really bothered me. It seemed like everything was different now. Everything had changed. I hated the way it made me feel. I suddenly wasn’t sure if I could trust him.
Trust was probably the most important part of our relationship. I trusted Kellen with my life. He had saved me, numerous times. But, I wasn’t sure if I trusted him with my heart now. The tears started falling again. I didn’t stop them or brush them away. I was filled with so much sorrow that I could hardly breathe. My chest ached even worse than a moment ago, maybe as much as my heart.
I grabbed my sweater and walked outside, starting down the sidewalk. I had no idea where I was going. There wasn’t any logic or plan in my footsteps. No destination.
I just walked, and kept walking, until I lost track of time. Maybe I was hoping to distance myself from the pain and doubt. Maybe I wanted to leave it all behind me and pretend it never happened. I couldn’t do that in actuality, and it angered me even more.
Without realizing it, the tears started falling harder until I was almost sobbing and I could hardly see or walk. I stumbled slightly and almost fell down but I caught myself in time. I slowed down, aware that I was not in the right frame of mind to be wandering around outside alone.
I turned and started to walk back home. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. I could hardly walk. I could hardly focus.
The air outside was cool for a summer afternoon. A sudden breeze blew the air and trees all around me. A few stray leaves swirled above my head. I started walking faster, afraid it was going to rain. I felt a few drops fall on my face as I picked up the pace. I wasn’t being very careful through my tears and I tripped again, landing into a pair of strong arms.
I looked up and saw Kellen’s face full of worry and concern. He picked me up and carried me home, cradling me against his chest, even as the tears continued to fall and I cried into his shoulder. Silently he walked up the stairs and set me down in my room.
He removed my sweater and threw it to the side, his eyes locking with mine. I saw tears in his eyes as he got down on his knees in front of me. His hands closed around mine, shaking slightly, in nervousness or frustration I wasn’t sure, and he cleared his throat.
“Rhiannon, I am so sorry. I love you, more deeply than I can possibly describe. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about this sooner. I’m sorry that it happened this way, that a discussion as important and critical as this was brought up because of something so stupid.” He shook his head. “I just want you to know I…never slept with her. It came close a few times. Once, quite close.” He blushed. “I’ve never…with anyone else. I was waiting for the right woman, the woman I would marry. For a time, I thought it was Renee.”
He laughed, bitterly, and I saw the frustration on his face.
“I was happy in my life as a soldier and a Guardian. I wasn’t in a hurry to settle down. I enjoyed my youth. I enjoyed my freedom.” His lips thinned into a straight line. “I want you to know. I follow the rules of chivalry and respect women. It is part of the code of honor that I live by, have always lived by, and always will. I am held to a higher stand of ethical conduct. You know this. I cannot break my promise or my oath.” He took a deep shaky breath. “If I have that level of control with you, how could you possibly think I would not with her? With someone who meant so little compared to you? With someone who barely touched my heart at all when you completely own it?” His voice broke. “She’s nothing. Do you understand? Nothing to me at all.”
I knew he was telling me the truth. I knew he meant it.
I was still upset and concerned about the trust issue. Could I trust him with my heart now? Why did he stay silent when he knew of my doubts? Why would he let me believe a lie? I wanted to think that I could trust him with my heart but I was afraid. What if he broke it? What if he held more secrets?
“Yes, Kellen, I believe you but…I am so upset and hurt. I feel like you have betrayed my trust. Why did you make it sound like you had done something with her? I know I can trust you with my life, but…can I trust you with my heart?” My voice broke and I couldn’t say anymore.
His face looked so sad that I almost looked away. “Rhiannon, you can trust me with anything, everything. You know I guard your life. I also guard your heart. It is precious to me.” He placed his palms on my face. “I would never betray it. I am so terribly sorry for not telling you sooner. I realize the mistake that I made. Please, let me prove it to you. Please trust me again. It would kill me if you didn’t.”
I could see how torn up he was and I knew in my heart that he was right. What else could I do but trust him? I loved him. So deeply, so much. There was nothing else for me to do.
A lingering doubt had now been placed in my mind.
Even as I forgave him, a piece of my heart refused to let it go.
“I trust you Kellen. There isn’t any other choice for me. I love you too much to let you go. But you have to understand how hurt and upset I am right now. Please don’t ever hurt me like that ever again.”
He stood up and gathered me into his arms, holding me tight. He looked right into my eyes. “Rhiannon, I promise to always be truthful and be the best Guardian I can, for your life and your heart. Kiss me, my darling, I love you, so deeply, so dearly, so completely. I told you once before, I waited almost seventy years for you,” he brushed his fingers across my face, “you are vitally important and incredibly special to me. You’re everything.”
He lowered his head and kissed me, softly at first, then harder and more passionately. I finally slid my arms around his neck and felt him relax. We fell back on the bed, Kellen’s lips never leaving mine. His hands wandered, caressing my back, and holding me close. He finally scooped me up and walked downstairs. We sat down on the couch and he held me for a long time, cradled close, refusing to move an inch.
I was quiet as I thought about what happened today. I really wasn’t that upset anymore. I finally knew the whole truth now about Renee and his past. It was frustrating that it came in stages but I realized something important. Something crucial.
Kellen was a very private person. He didn’t feel it was important or even necessary to share things from his past or information that was irrelevant to his life now. I know he didn’t mean to hurt or deceive me. By nature he kept his personal life to himself and it was a hard habit to break after so many years.
Our relationship was new. I was still learning his personality and he was learning mine. We were going to make each other frustrated and angry sometimes. The important part was being able to discuss it and move on, the truth holding us together. We had to be honest. We had to consider each other, our feelings, our needs. And we had to be willing to do that at any cost.
I squeezed Kellen’s hand and kissed him gently on his lips. He smiled at me lovingly, brushing his fingertips against my cheek. I decided right there and then if Renee ever showed up on my door step again, she was going to be in a world of crap. I doubted I could stop myself from slapping her arrogant face.
I lay my head on Kellen’s chest and took a leisurely nap. He even rested with me. Eventually we got ready to leave, knowing we couldn’t put it off any longer.
Chapter Twenty Nine
The portal was open when Kellen and I reached the glen in the forest, held open by Tristan, who was waiting patiently for our return. We jumped through quickly, letting it close behind us. The whole area was packed with tents and soldiers. Everywhere I looked I saw men readying themselves for battle. Some were practicing with swords, bows and arrows, some were sharpening and cleaning their weapons, and others were handling and polishing armor.
We approached the camp and were welcomed by many I had seen or met before. Every representative from the gathering in Karmelo had sent men to fight. I was impressed with the amount gathered here, by the strength in numbers and able fighters. There were many hundreds gathered together, all under the banner of peace, united in a fight that none could win alone.
The guard was located in a tent at the far eastern end. We entered and I heard Seasnan, Tristan, and the others discussing battle strategy. I sat down on a chair as Kellen joined the discussion.
They spoke for over an hour, meeting with each of the generals. It was a simple plan but communication was necessary to avoid any problems. It was vital every man knew his position. Kellen glanced at me frequently, making sure I was comfortable. The meeting was tedious but could not be rushed. Battel plans had to be finalized. An elven leader argued briefly with one of the dwarf lords.
In the end, everything was decided. Finally, the meeting ended and they departed for dinner and a few hours of rest. I almost sighed aloud in relief but caught myself.
Kellen took my hand and led me out of the tent. “How would you like to sup with Fidget? He has invited us to dine with him on the eve of battle. It is a very great honor.”
“Oh, yes. I would like that very much. Shall we join him?” I responded lightly.
Kellen smiled. “Yes, follow me, my love.”
We walked past dozens of tents until we approached a larger one with huge torches outside the entrance. Inside we were greeted by Fidget and several other dwarf lords. A large table had been set and filled to overflowing with food. There was plenty of ale and wine. I noticed several large pipes packed with tobacco, spread around the table.
Fidget greeted us warmly. “Greetings Master Kellen and Lady Rhiannon. Please join us.”
He bowed and took my hand, kissing it briefly. I smiled warmly and curtsied slightly in return. Kellen returned the bow.
“Thank you for the honor of joining your table and house on such an important night.”
“Thank you Fidget. I am quite honored,” I told him, smiling widely.
He ushered us over to the table where we enjoyed a scrumptious dinner. We didn’t discuss any plan or strategy. Nothing about the battle was disclosed. I learned later from Kellen that it would have been considered rude to bring it up.
The men discussed their prowess as soldiers and lovers, much to my amusement. Kellen’s lips twitched often. The more the ale flowed and the pipes were lit, the more merriment and tales were told. It was fun. I enjoyed myself.
We stayed until late, about eleven p.m. Kellen led me out of the tent and lifted me, knowing I was tired. He walked along until we came to the Guardian tents. He entered into the large one we were in earlier for the meeting. I noticed several men were there, including Tristan and Seasnan, again.
Kellen walked passed everyone and turned a corner. There was a secluded area with a blow up mattress, blankets, and fluffy pillows. He laid me gently down and got up, pulling a long sheet across in front of us for privacy. I snuggled under the blankets, waiting for him to join me.
“Rhiannon, I have to discuss a few things with Tristan. I won’t be gone long. Go ahead and rest and I will return in a little while. Sleep my darling,” he spoke to me softly.
He kissed me on the forehead and left. I closed my eyes and immediately drifted off. I don’t know what time it was when Kellen returned but I felt his strong arms around me and his warm breath against my cheek. I nestled close into him, unaware that I never really awakened.
Around dawn Kellen’s lips moving along my throat brought me out of my dreams. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my skin as he traveled down to my shoulder. His arms were holding my body against him tightly, his fingers tightening on my shirt, grasping at the material.
I pulled him even closer as he rolled over on top of me, suspending his weight above me slightly. His lips met mine, kissing me tenderly, until I felt his tongue run along my bottom lip. Slowly his hands roamed over my shoulders and down to my hips as he continued kissing me.
I moaned lightly and ran my fingers across his bare back, across the smooth skin, the rippling strength. I could feel
every muscle. Kellen’s hands slid to my waist as he pulled my shirt up and off, over my head. His lips returned to my neck and then lower as his fingers brushed along my abdomen, across my navel, lingering at the top of jeans. His lips returned to mine, firmer and more demanding.
I gasped with pleasure, his touch awakening a low flame, and whispered his name.
“Kellen…Kellen, I love you.”
“Oh Rhiannon…I love you. I want you. Kiss me, my love, my beautiful rose.”
I kissed him back as urgency filled me. His grip became almost painful, his kisses hard and even more demanding. We rolled over several times, back and forth, completely lost in a desperate passion, a fiery need that seemed to grow higher and higher. His right hand slid down the curve of my waist, over my backside, and down to my thigh where he pulled my leg up and lifted it over his shoulder.
I opened my eyes wide in surprise as his lips came down on mine hungrily again in a frenzy. He pushed into me, capturing my mouth, silencing the gasp that fell from my lips.
Kellen pulled away for a moment, his eyes gazing into mine, a look of intense adoration and pure love radiating from the emerald green and smiled, before his lips lowered once more, hungrily devouring. We were lost in passion, oblivious to the world around us, until he rolled over and held me tight against his chest, kissing my face, crushing me against him as if he was afraid.
Terrified.
And I knew then that he was.
“I love you my darling Rhiannon. I wish I could say that I am sorry but I am not. I love you, so deeply, so entirely…I am lost, forever. You are mine until my last breath leaves my body. I will not surrender you…not to anyone.” His voice was thick with passion. “Do you understand?”
What did he mean? Was he referring to Baylor?
“I love you Kellen…forever too.”
Oh God.
He held me, the frantic beating of his heart thumping against my chest, clutching me in an iron grip. His face betrayed his worry and anxiety. I knew that had happened because he was still upset about what happened yesterday after Renee showed up and a part of him was frightened about today. If something happened at the battle and either of us was hurt, it would destroy the other.