He sighed and nodded a silent promise to move on.
“Tell me what happened,” I pleaded.
“Melanie, I...I…”
“Please,” I choked out. As much as I knew he wanted to shield me from any more suffering, he had to tell me. I didn’t want to know, but I had to know.
“Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?” The devastation on his face tore me apart.
I nodded, and he gripped my hand tighter. He stared at his feet for a few moments before finally looking at me.
“Eva…she lived for two days.”
I gasped, struggling to get air in my lungs.
“What?” I rasped out.
Wetting his lips, he swallowed hard. “She was so beautiful.” His face was so sad, but there was a light in his eyes when he spoke of her. “So small. God, Melanie, you can’t imagine how small she was. So perfect.” He talked about her with a reverence and love I’d never seen before, and I smiled as he described her, my tiny baby girl.
“Did you hold her?” I bit back the sob that threatened. He nodded, rubbing my arm. “A few times, but not for long. I would have held her all day if they had let me, but the nurses wanted her to be in her bed as much as possible.” I realized where he’d been all those times when I’d felt his absence. He was taking care of our baby girl.
“Thank you,” I whispered through my tears as I held him close to me. “Thank you for taking care of us.” I kissed his dry, chapped lips, unable to imagine the pain he must have felt over the last—days? I wasn’t sure how long it had been. There was still so much I didn’t know.
I pulled away, my hands on his chest. “Are you hurt?” I asked, for the first time able to focus on more than just his eyes. A huge bruise covered the left side of his face and a small row of stitches sat just above his eyebrow. But he was dressed in normal clothes and sitting beside my bed, it obvious his worst injury was a broken heart.
He shook his head. “No, I’m fine. A couple of cracked ribs,” he said as he pointed to the stitches on his brow, “and this.”
Cracked ribs? “Does it hurt?”
“Honestly, Melanie, I really haven’t even thought about it. It’s not a big deal.”
“How badly was I injured?” I asked. I hurt—everywhere.
He took in a deep breath, slowly blowing the air out through pursed lips as he ran his free hand nervously through his hair.
“You were on the ventilator for three days. They kept you on it until the swelling went down around your brain,” Daniel grimaced as he described the reason I’d been out for so long. I followed his gaze down my body. “Your right leg is badly broken. You’re going to need some pretty intense physical therapy when you get out of here, but Dad says you’ll heal fine. You have a lot of bruises and cuts all over...” he said as his voice trailed off. He broke eye contact as he looked away.
He was hiding something from me.
“Daniel, everything,” I demanded. Unease raced through me when I saw his face again filled with agony, his jaw held tight in an attempt to hide the obvious trembling. I was terrified at what would cause him this reaction, but I pressed him. “Everything.”
He closed his eyes, his beautiful face weary and broken. “Baby.” He tried to keep his voice soft, but it cracked. “You were bleeding.” He paused, waiting for my reaction. I blinked at him, not understanding what about that could cause him so much pain. He cleared his throat, swallowing. “What I mean is...” He stalled.
“Melanie.” He gathered up my hand in both of his. “The cesarean...there was too much bleeding...”
He didn’t have to say the words because I knew by the expression on his face what he was trying to tell me. I couldn’t have more children.
Never would I give Daniel the family he wanted.
Never would I be a mother.
I gasped against the pain, clutching my chest as I tried to breathe, a full panic attack taking over my body. I was devastated. We lost our baby girl and now we couldn’t have another—well, not we. Me.
Would Daniel still want me?
He shushed me, rubbed the back of my neck, and rocked me. I looked at his face, filled with his love and compassion for me, and I had to believe that he would always want me. In one day, all of our dreams had been shattered, but we still had each other, and we would make it. My tears finally subsided and I began to accept what life had dealt us. It was going to take a very long time to heal from it, but Daniel and I would do it together.
A constant stream of nurses and doctors came and went over the next few of hours.
After the latest round of nurses left, Julia walked into the room, Patrick following close behind. Her voice was soft, always motherly. “Hey, beautiful girl.” She came near and leaned over me, kissing me ever so softly on my forehead. I loved her so much.
“How are you feeling?”
How was I feeling? I honestly didn’t know. I smiled weakly and didn’t answer because I couldn’t. Anything I said would have been a lie.
“Can we get anything for you?” Patrick had the same concerned look on his face as he always did, radiating kindness.
“Um, no. But thanks, Patrick.” I smiled at him and reached for his hand, and Julia placed hers over both of ours.
“Did...did you get to meet her?” I hoped they did. I looked at their broken faces and my heart broke a little more. The loss of Eva wasn’t just Daniel’s and mine; it was also theirs. They’d lost their granddaughter, the one they’d planned for, taken care of, loved.
Julia whimpered, her eyes bloodshot and her forehead wrinkled with lines that had never been there before. “Oh, Melanie, honey. She was so beautiful, just like you. She had your mouth.” Through tears she told me everything she remembered about Eva. It was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time. I wanted to know my daughter. But somehow I already did. Even though I had never seen her face, I felt her, knew her soul, and it would always be a part of me. Patrick stood in silence behind Daniel, his face weary, but his love and support unwavering.
When the door creaked open, we all turned to see a flash of brown, frizzy hair.
Mom.
Chapter Twelve
March 2000
Mom was here. Of course she was. Guilt overcame me. This was how my parents found out about Eva. Slow and hesitant, Mom walked into the room. Black, heavy bags drooped under brown eyes so red, it was hard to tell their normal color. She had always been thin, but her cheeks were sunken in, the skin sagging. Her hair was up in a messy bun, pieces falling out and sticking to her face where her tears had dried. For the first time, she looked old. She stood at the foot of my bed, nervously straightening her shirt against her stomach.
“Mom,” I breathed out, not having a clue what to say to her. Anxiously, I glanced at Daniel, trying to gauge his reaction to her. He was already standing to kiss me on the forehead, and he and his parents excused themselves. When they reached the door, Daniel mouthed, “I love you,” before following his parents out. Mom still fidgeted, standing in the same spot.
“Mom?” I asked. Would she even talk to me? She had to be so disappointed—so angry.
“Oh, Melanie,” Mom cried, rushing around to take my cheeks in her hands.
“Mom, I’m so sorry.” I cried into her shoulder, hugging her to me as we grieved for Eva and for the wall we’d unknowingly built between us.
“It’s okay.” She shushed me and swept my hair behind my ear. “We have a lot to deal with, but we’ll do that later, okay? Right now, I just want you to get better.”
“Mom...I” I needed to explain everything to her now, to tell her why I’d been scared to let her know, but the door opened.
Dad.
My stomach twisted in knots when I saw his face. Lax, deceptively void of emotion, he looked as if he felt nothing, though he couldn’t hide the disgust he felt for me. My voice trembled, shaky and barely audible as I called to him across the room, “Dad?” My voice implored him to talk to me. He shook his head and looked down, leaving
the room without saying a word. It was exactly as I had feared. He would never forgive me for this. I could only imagine the way he had treated Daniel. Mom narrowed her eyes as she watched him leave, turning back to me with a tight smile.
“Don’t let him bother you, sweetheart.”
“I knew he was going to be so disappointed.” Looking at the empty spot my father had just taken up, I couldn’t help but wish I’d listened to Daniel when he’d insisted we tell him. “I’m not ashamed, Mom.” I looked at her, needing her to understand I would never regret Eva.
“I know, sweetheart. I know.” She patted my arm to soothe my nerves from the non-confrontation with my dad.
“Did you get here in time?”
A wistful smile lit her face.
“She was so beautiful.” Mom seemed to be lost in her thoughts before she spoke again. “You’re so young.” I started to protest, but she stopped me, shaking her head. “No, let me say this. You’re young, but you don’t love as if you are.” She swallowed. “You would have been the best mom.” She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, sighing as she looked away. “I just wanted you to know that I truly believe that, for whatever it’s worth.”
It was worth everything.
With a subdued knock, Daniel peeked in the door.
I smiled and he came into the room and sat across from Mom. The tension between them was palpable. It was clear that the forgiveness she had shown me had not been extended to Daniel.
I knew my parents would see it as if Daniel had taken advantage of their little girl. It sickened me that anyone could even begin to think of him that way, but I had to be patient. Eventually they would realize how much he really did care about me. Time would just have to prove that.
The rest of the evening people filtered in and out. Nurses came and went, Mom left to get coffee at least ten times, and Erin and Julia ran back and forth to get people whatever they needed. Patrick continually checked to be sure I was being well taken care of while Dad stared at me from across the room.
And Daniel—he never left my side.
He was so exhausted, yet he stayed. I could never love him more than I did right then.
When night fell, everybody left but Daniel, who attempted to sleep in the chair beside my bed. I asked him to go with his parents and get a good night’s sleep. Of course, he refused. We both slept restlessly. How people ever expected to “rest and get well” in a hospital, I’d never know. Nurses came in and out at least five times during the night, poking and prodding me. I was convinced if they’d just let me sleep, I’d be well in half the time. Daniel and I gave up when the first rays of light came through the window. Neither of us felt any better than we had the night before.
“Are you up for any more visitors?” Erin popped her head through the door, her eyes glistening. Daniel and I welcomed her in. She hugged me and then wrapped her arms around Daniel.
Erin convinced Daniel to go take a shower and get something to eat. He looked to me and I could see how hesitant he was to leave.
My chest constricted at the thought of him walking out the door, an irrational fear taking hold. I wanted to beg him to stay, but I forced myself to assure him I would be fine. I was going to have to get over that. After what had happened, I didn’t think I’d ever want to be away from him again, but I still had to go back home to Colorado Springs. I still had two months of school left.
Erin settled in beside me and took my hand. “Hey, sister.” She smiled at me and I smiled back. I loved when she called me that. “How are you? And don’t give me any of that bullshit that you’re fine, either.”
I laughed, thankful that she always forced me to be honest with her. She wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I really can’t say, Erin. I mean, I can’t even begin to describe the heartbreak I feel over her. It’s like this huge piece of me is missing and I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling that way. But when Daniel’s nearby, I know everything is going to be all right.” Her lip trembled as she nodded in understanding.
“Erin, what happened? I can’t ask Daniel because he blames himself.”
She took a deep breath. “Yeah, I know. He really does, Melanie. I don’t know if he’ll ever stop, but there was nothing he could have done. The guy hit you, not the other way around.” She shook her head and picked at her fingernails before looking back to me. “They charged him with manslaughter this morning. He’d been drinking—all night—and was on his way back to Denver. Apparently, he fell asleep at the wheel. His blood alcohol level was more than double the limit.” She paused to give me time to absorb what she’d said.
Anger welled up from a place inside me I didn’t know, a foreign hatred that I didn’t understand. I fought to push it aside. I knew that would be something I would have to deal with over time, forgiving someone I didn’t even know. For now, her news was too much for my broken heart to deal with.
“What about my parents?” Daniel told me everything was fine, even when I knew it wasn’t.
“Well, I think your mom is okay. She was really upset when she first got here and got into it with Mom. She hadn’t slept all night on her way here. When she came in and saw you in this bed, I think she just...snapped. She didn’t really talk to anyone that first day, but once she saw…Eva,” she said, hesitating on Eva’s name as tears filled her eyes. “Oh, Melanie, that little girl could soften anyone’s heart. Peggy apologized to Mom. She hasn’t really spoken much to Daniel, but she stayed beside him that whole morning after Eva passed. She’s hurt, Melanie, but she loves you and is willing to forgive you.”
“And Dad?”
Anger flashed across her face.
“Erin, what did he do?”
She finally spoke. “He, uh...hit Daniel.”
“What?”
“Melanie, he really messed Daniel up. He broke open all the stitches on his face.” She groaned, putting her hands over her face. “I don’t want to feel so angry at your dad, but how could he do that after everything you guys had been through? And now, he just hovers outside your door, not saying anything to anyone. It’s kinda creepy.”
He did exactly what I’d feared he’d do all these months. He’d hurt Daniel. If I could, I would have taken any punishment to prevent this, but I knew Daniel would always be the bad guy in my dad’s eyes no matter what he did.
“So, what are you going to do now?” Erin asked, ringing her hands together. “Are we canceling the wedding?”
Right. I was supposed to get married in three weeks. All of my insecurities were back. Would Daniel still want me to be his wife? I wanted it more than anything. Tears started to stream down my face.
“Melanie...” Erin released a sympathetic breath as she leaned in closer. “You don’t have to, you know. We can wait until you’ve healed.”
“No, it’s not that, Erin.”
“Then what? Do...do you blame him?” The hurt on her face told me she had been fearful I would.
“No...” I shook my head. “Never.” Relief swept over her face before confusion took its place.
“But?”
“Erin,” I spoke barely above a whisper. “What if he doesn’t want me anymore? I can’t give him a family.”
I felt ashamed—I wasn’t whole—and Daniel deserved someone who was. He told me he wanted me, but what about in five years? Or ten? Would he still feel the same when he realized he would never have a normal life with me?
“Melanie...” Her stern voice took me by surprise. “Are you insane? That man loves you more than anything. He can’t even look at another woman. What could possibly make you think that?”
Even though I knew she was right, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was no longer good enough for him.
“I just want him to have everything...everything he’s ever wanted.”
“You realize that’s you, right?”
My heart did know that. Now I just had to convince my stupid head of it.
“Yeah, Erin. I know. I think we should wait though, maybe un
til summer.” Daniel at least deserved that time. I forced a bright smile to wash the disappointment from her face. “You know, I’d like to actually be able to walk down the aisle to marry your brother.” As I gestured to my leg, we laughed, dispelling the tension in the room. And for the first time, I felt real hope for the future.
I spent the rest of the day figuring out what to do from there. Privately, I’d asked Patrick if I could come and stay with them while I finished school. There was no way I could be in the same house with my father.
Patrick seemed thrilled and said he’d been thinking the same thing. Daniel’s face glowed when I told him of the plans.
I dreaded being separated from Daniel. Really, I just wanted to go back to Boulder with him, but I was going to need care he couldn’t provide if he was in school. I knew he’d take the rest of the semester off in a heartbeat, and there was no way I could allow that.
Mom fretted over me, trying to make up for the time we’d been apart. I loved her even more for it. It made me sad that Julia seemed to feel she had to step back. She was a mother to me too, and I wanted them both. I didn’t want one to replace the other.
The day came and went. Daniel gave up trying to sleep on the chair and snuggled beside me on the bed instead. The nurses were not happy about it. It was, of course, against the rules, but it was the only way either of us could sleep. Friday morning I actually felt rested and I could tell by the look on Daniel’s face he did too.
Today I had to tell Mom my plans. I figured it was going to be a fight, but I was tired of hiding things from her.
I found my opportunity when she was cleaning up my area after lunch.
“Hey, Mom?”
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