by Cate Kennedy
Not that it mattered. When he was six months old I would inhale his milk-damp breath on nights like this, with the light just so and a dim, naive hope of a future. By the age of three, he seemed to have extra limbs; always clumsy, his chin always glistening with drool. When he was five we organised a birthday party. Not one of the brats we invited from the neighbourhood showed up. God how we persevered throughout that dry afternoon; the smattering of family, everyone mortified, striving valiantly to inject enthusiasm into the occasion, still afraid to speak of his strangeness. I remember the sad-eyed Pole we had hired to juggle for the children took Peter’s utter indifference to his coloured sticks and balls as a personal affront. I could never determine if I was more aggrieved by the lack of pain the dismal event caused Peter – another ‘developmental hiccup’– or by my own realisation of the wickedness of small children and parents who would organise such a boycott. You think you know people, but they always have something hidden away. It’s an awful lesson, corrosive, and one I am still glad my son was never equipped to learn.
Graham snuffles and rolls in his sleep. He clears his throat as if preparing to speak, but says nothing. It is not uncommon in recent years for him to talk in his sleep, sit up, stare at me and mumble ‘Jesus, Helen, what have you done?’ or ‘The nursery is burning’ or some such nonsense before collapsing back onto the bed. The poor thing even went through a stage of sobbing himself awake. When he first started talking in his sleep, I would tell him in the morning of his outbursts and we would laugh, sometimes uneasily. Now I rarely bother. Let the night have its secrets, is what I think. There is nothing to be gained.
The water glass on the bedside table is empty. With effort, in the manner of the old woman I have somehow become, I disentangle myself from the bedclothes and sit on the edge of the bed. The deflated inner tubes of my breasts dangle against my stomach, long since emptied of their uses: aesthetic, erotic or otherwise. Two bony knees peer like tortoises from beneath my nightie. There is no glory in ageing, but unlike life’s earlier difficult periods – adolescence or youth or even middle age – one cannot of course wish it to end. In the en suite I drink a glass of tap water. It is immensely satisfying and I drink again. The tiles are cool beneath my feet. I feel slightly hungry. It is 4 a.m. so I may as well go downstairs, have a snack and struggle with yesterday’s cryptic crossword for a couple of hours before the day gets underway.
The stairway is lined with artworks and framed photographs of family scenes, lost places that are recognisable even in the half light: our wedding day, of course, a thousand years ago, in another country; Graham as a young man in Scotland with his mop of ginger hair that would stay with him for life; a black-and-white snap of a baby cousin in a metal washtub. And, of course, Peter on a swing in a park; the photo creamy with sunlight that seems, even now, many years later, to explode from his laughing head. There he is again, the Christmas we drove to Gippsland to stay in a rented beach house minutes from the sea. The best summer we had together. The last summer. Poor Peter. Still everywhere. Perhaps it is true that we are defined not by what we possess, but by what we no longer have. The press had a field day, of course. Dug out a dreadful photo of me from God knows where. Interviewed other parents. Pure hell. Even now, the sound of a newspaper thudding against the front door at dawn releases in me a flood of mild panic. What now?
I make a pot of tea, open the kitchen door to the garden, turn the radio on low and settle in to tackle twelve-down, on which I was left stranded last night. Sailor posted as missing. Six letters. Radio National murmurs: a boffin talking about a creature called, believe it or not, the vampire squid that lives in the deepest parts of the ocean. This beast apparently has the largest eyes comparative to body size of any animal, but also – thanks to its body being covered in light-producing organs of some sort – the ability to turn itself ‘on’ and ‘off’ so as to see at depths where light doesn’t penetrate. Quite a handy ability, I imagine, and one I could do with myself should I continue to wake throughout the night. Would cut the electricity bill, at any rate.
Although I grumble about it, there is a special pleasure to be found in the early morning. Indeed, there is something quite benthic about the ground floor of our old house at this time, a sense of existing in a time zone of one’s own, far from the ordinary world. The rules might well be different here. One might almost expect to glimpse one of these vampire fish or another bizarre creature that has evolved miles from human sight, far from anywhere, eyeless. Aside from myself, naturally.
Six letters. Sailor. It has rained in the night and damp garden smells drift inside. Posted as missing. Trees crackle and drip. Sailor posted as missing, six letters. ‘Missing’ the definition, no doubt. Graham would probably be able to do these crosswords far faster than I will ever be able to, but he has more or less given up on them. Says he has run out of use for words. Sometimes there is only so much you can say.
I don’t know how long I have been sitting here when I become aware of strange, high-pitched sounds coming from outside. At first I assume it to be an auditory hallucination but the noise, or noises, persist and I am compelled to investigate. I have to admit to feeling quite terrified, but call out nonetheless in my quavering, 79-year-old woman’s voice, ‘Hello?’ The sounds stop for a few seconds before redoubling in vigour. They have the sibilance of a coven of tiny witches, a sound like nothing I have ever heard before and I stand there in the middle of my huge kitchen, barefoot, clad only in a nightgown, wondering what on earth has come to visit me, what creature has at last discovered my whereabouts. Old thoughts, foolish thoughts. The noises intensify again. I am stranded in the middle of the kitchen, the knives out of reach, Graham asleep upstairs, far from any refuge when I realise what it is. Kittens. Of course. Our tabby cat Sally, who has been lugging her swollen belly around for weeks, has finally given birth.
Sure enough, in her basket in the laundry she is lying on her side with her blind brood mauling at her teats. She looks drunk, exhausted, but utters a croaky meow in greeting and allows me to stroke her head. Poor thing. This is her third brood because Graham won’t allow me to spay her. Her babies root about in her damp and bloody fur and clamber over each other like wingless bats. There are five of them. Every so often, Sally licks at the fur at her chest before collapsing back again. I know more or less how she feels. The fatigue peculiar to having given birth arrives, like a comet, from another solar system altogether. Depleted, drained, battered are utterly inadequate adjectives for it. It needs its very own dictionary entry, its very own dictionary. Perhaps the Italians have a word for that as well? More likely the Indians; they pop out millions of babies. That would be one for the crossword setters. Seven across, five letters. A Hindi word for the exhaustion of having given birth. Wherever this word exists, in whatever language, they might also have a better one for pain.
I fetch Sally a fresh saucer of milk and sit with her awhile. It’s starting to get light. Soon Graham will wander in and crouch down to peer happily at the new kittens and smile his smile of quiet satisfaction. Although we will give them away we will most likely spend much of today bandying around possible names for the new additions based on perceived characteristics. Dopey or Killer or some such. Graham’s enduring love of animals is one of the things I still love about him, when his ten-year-old self is closest to the surface, like the imp in the bottle.
After ten minutes or so it becomes apparent that one of the kittens is struggling to get its fair share of milk. A black and white one, already smaller than the others. The runt of the litter. The four other kittens shoulder it aside every time it attempts to jam its little face into Sally’s fur. Not nastily, just in the way the strong, in their enthusiasm, inevitably take more than they require. The little one has a scratchy cry and makes periodic attempts to snaffle its way in, but eventually gives up. Sally makes no effort to help it. Like a cartoon creation the kitten flops back unsteadily on its bum and stares up at me with cloudy eyes, as if seeking assistance. There is a speck
of what I presume to be amniotic fluid on its nose. Again it squeaks. We watch each other for some time, the kitten and I. Occasionally it stares at its brothers and sisters happily gorging away, before turning back to me. It is heartbreaking. Time passes. The little thing utters pitiful cries, almost emptied of sound. Again it attempts to join the family, only to be batted away by a rival paw.
Eventually, I stand up and fetch one of the large ancient cushions from the cane garden chair. Outside it is light. It will be a sunny day, but cold. My favourite kind of weather. I pause a moment in the garden, inhaling the smells. You get to an age where every new day merely reminds you of one already lived and at this moment I am reminded inexplicably of a morning when I was a teenager in the house where I grew up, having breakfast with my parents, the smell of freshly brewed tea, the way mother placed her hand on father’s arm when they shared a joke.
Back inside I pick up the tiny kitten. It mewls against my chest, ever hopeful. Even its claws seem soft, malformed, ill equipped for a lifetime of struggle. We have a small moment, draw solace from each other, before I put the cushion on the floor in the corner, place the kitten in its middle, fold it over and lean on it with all my weight. I am sure it struggles, but I am unable to feel it. The cushion is large and doughy. Sally watches me, her ears pinned back for a few seconds before she relaxes and allows her head to fall back in the folds of the blanket lining her basket. She knows it’s for the best.
It is only after some time, roused by the sounds of Graham pottering about in the kitchen that I realise my face is wet with tears and the cushion, doubtless damp from overnight rain, has become even wetter. Then Graham appears in the laundry doorway. He beams when he sees Sally’s kittens but then turns to where I squat on the floor with the cushion beneath my knees and his expression alters slightly. We say good morning and mutter approving things about the kittens and how well our Sally has done. There is a brief lull in which the only sounds are those of Sally purring and the chirp of birds in the garden. Then Graham asks me, in his special off-hand voice, what I have got under ‘there,’ meaning the cushion, but I can tell by his face he already knows.
Readings and Writings
Bobby
Suvi Mahonen
Strands of light blue twisted, crossed over, then sank into the expanse of knitted wool only to emerge at the next stitch and repeat the pattern again. They ran in parallel symmetry, converging at the pompom at the top of the cap. Around the circumference of the brim ran a border of yellow on which marched small embossed elephants, each holding the tail of the one before it with its trunk. Fine wisps of dark hair the same colour as Nick’s curled out from beneath the edge to cling to its fuzzy surface in places. When we’d bought it eight weeks ago I’d thought it was too small to fit anyone, but Nick had correctly guessed it would be the right size.
The skin of Bobby’s forehead not covered by the cap was furrowed as if in a frown. This accentuated his eyebrows, delicate lines of barely there hair on the ledge of his sockets, inclining medially upwards to form an arc at the top of the bridge of his nose. His nose was short, more like a nubbin, tilted slightly upwards at the end like mine; its tip was a little raw, as if wiped by a tissue one too many times.
I ran my finger over the smooth and doughy surface of his swollen lips. Velvety glossed skin a few centigrade cooler than mine. Drooping in loose repose, colour not right, a dusky shade of purple.
He lay in my arms, loosely wrapped in a green flannel blanket, the back of his head resting in the crook of my left elbow. His body was both light and also strangely heavy. I held my arms still though there was no reason to. Looking at him I tried to align our eyes. His lids were parted slightly, a hint of blue between moist lashes. As I sat there, propped with three plastic-covered wipe-down pillows between my back and the bed’s head, I kept wanting, almost waiting for those eyes to blink.
Nick sat on the edge of the bed, arm on my shoulder, looking at our Bobby. Afternoon light angled in through the window and cast Venetian-striped shadows on our son’s already mottled cheeks. My finger moved downward, tracing his chin, then onwards across his jaw to his left ear, curving to avoid an open patch of sloughed skin. It wasn’t the only one. There were two on his right cheek and a large one on the side of his neck, the full extent of its angry margins concealed by the collar of his Peter Rabbit jumpsuit. Made of the softest white cotton, it was the out-fit I’d planned for our baby to wear on his first trip back to our home. Across the garment multiple little rabbits sat on their haunches, cheeks puffed with chewing, holding a large carrot whose tip was missing. Sewn into the outside seam of the left shoulder was a tiny blue tag saying this was a genuine item. Matching mitts and booties were still in the bag.
I moved aside a fold of blanket so I could see more of him. His left arm was angled, bent at the elbow, resting on the front of his chest. The embroidered cuff of the suit’s sleeve was hitched a short way up the forearm. Between the rim of the cuff and the base of Bobby’s closed fist circled a thick, clear plastic band, fastly secured. In the pocket of the band was a slip of paper, words typed on it in small letters. The portion visible to me said, ‘Baby of Alicia Rus …’ The bend over his wrist’s bony prominence obscured the rest. A vein line, its discolouring more pronounced than that of the skin, ran up the back of his hand to the fourth knuckle dimple. Lifting his hand gently I straightened his four fingers and thumb from their loose clench. The webbing between them was puffy and wrinkled, like he’d been soaking in a tub for too long. Such small and frail digits, even in their waterlogged state, the creases over their joints swollen to mere faint lines. On his distal pads were enlarged whorls. Opaque slivers of flesh were peeling back from around the nails. I closed his fingers again, covering his hand with mine.
We remained in silence.
Me, my husband and our baby.
I was conscious of sounds from outside the room – muffled voices, the ping of a call bell and the diminishing roll of a trolley. But these didn’t enter my reverie. The only noise that was real to me was the whistle of breath from my nostrils and the clicking of the clock’s second hand. A mere moment in time, yet this seemed like forever.
‘Would you like an autopsy to be performed?’ Dr Taylor had asked us.
‘Is it necessary?’ I said.
‘It’s your choice. But it may help to find out exactly what went wrong.’
‘We’ll think about it,’ Nick said.
Dr Taylor stood there by the side of my bed. His gaze kept shifting between Bobby and the green blanket. From the edge of my eye I saw his hands move to cross each other and rest at the front of his belt. Speckles of blood soiled the cuffs of his white shirt. I wanted him to leave but also needed him to stay. It was as if I believed he would somehow be able to reverse this. He stayed for a few more awkward minutes, then made his excuses and left the room with a final ‘Sorry.’
Nick put his arm around my shoulder and we stayed that way with Bobby cradled against my swollen breasts, which were aching with the need to lactate.
‘You haven’t called my mum yet, have you?’
‘Do you want me to?’
I shook my head. Once our families knew, it would be real.
I stared across the room at the wall opposite. Glints of slatted sunlight reflected off the glass that protected a framed painting. A lamb standing on a hill’s green slope. Underneath it, against the wall, was an empty cot on wheels. It was the one in which the midwife had brought Bobby back to me once she had cleaned, weighed and dressed him.
I looked back at my son and squeezed his hand gently. His soft nails pressed into the folds of my palm. I turned to look into Nick’s bloodshot eyes.
‘Can you ask the midwives if there are any nail clippers around?’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t want him to be buried with long nails,’ I said. I started to cry.
Island
Lillian and Meredith
Stephanie Buckle
A new resident is moving in
. Room 17 has stood vacant for a week, stripped down to its essentials. Even the steel-framed bed that Mr Karamantzis had occupied was gone. I had ventured in at last, and was having a little poke around, just in case there was anything left of Mr K; but there was nothing, not even a bit of soap. Then Nina came in.
‘You’re not allowed in here, Lillian, we have a new resident coming.’ She shooed me out with her little bustling steps, the spikes of her hair bristling like armour.
I watch them moving the new resident’s furniture in – a rocking chair, a queen-size bed. A woman then; men don’t have rocking chairs.
But I miss her arrival because the hairdresser chooses that moment to come and cut my hair.
‘Oo, you want a bit taken off here, don’t you, dear?’ she says, craning towards my reflection in the mirror and twisting a fistful of my hair into the nape of my neck.
She tells me she’s seen the new arrival in the foyer.
‘She’s in a wheelchair,’ she says, ‘a very fancy one. Apparently, she’s been in one all her life, can’t walk at all. Would that be better or worse than losing your mobility late in life, do you think?’
I watch the tufts of my grey hair falling under the deft snips of her scissors.
‘Mr Chesterton gave her a lovely welcome,’ she goes on. Mr Chesterton is the manager. He’s a dapper little man who likes to treat everyone like a film star. He kisses my face when he greets me, holding my hand as a lover would.