He grunted above me, his eyes firmly shut, his body working over me like a machine. I reached around, my palms squeezing the tight muscles of his ass as he danced above me. Wrapping my thighs around him, I pulled him closer, moaning as my body began waking up, arousal washing over me, much needed pleasure shooting through my limbs.
“Oh, yes, yes….” I cried, his cock swelling inside of me with every thrust, filling me up deliciously. I needed this, it had been so long since I’d felt his body next to mine. I needed to reconnect with him, to remember why I ever fell in love with him in the first place.
And this was as good a place to start as any, I thought, as I wrapped my thighs around him even tighter, wanting him as close as I could possibly get him.
His pace picked up, his hips flying against me, hard and rough, he fucked into me faster and faster until I felt him explode inside of me, a deep growl escaping from him and I smiled.
“Oh, baby,” I moaned, as he continued to pump his cock inside of me.
“Oh, Alex!” he called, his cock exploding inside of me.
It took me a minute to realize what had happened. But once I did, everything happened so quickly. I shoved him away, screaming at him at the same time, my hand reaching up as if it had a mind of its own and striking the side of his face with a resounding slap.
“Who the fuck is Alex!?” I demanded, scooting into the corner of the couch and covering myself with my blanket. He stared down at me, his mouth open in shock.
“Babe, listen…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…” he began, his hands up in protest.
“Get out! Get the fuck out! Now!” I yelled, certain my neighbors could hear, but not caring. “NOW!” I yelled, ten times louder.
He jumped, threw on his jeans, grabbed his boots, and ran out of the apartment without saying a word, leaving me stunned as tears streamed down my face.
CHAPTER THREE
LEE
I woke up with a splitting headache. I raised my head, trying to figure out where I was. My eyes landed on a picture of me and Beau, after he had won his first Sugar Hill Rodeo championship, and I knew exactly where I was.
My folk’s place.
The events of dinner came crashing back to me and my heart sank. If only it were a terrible nightmare, but I knew it wasn’t. I flung my Grandma Mary’s quilt off of me, no doubt put there by my worried mother after I came back to the farm drunk and stumbling to pass out on the couch, thankfully alive. Shame washed over me. The last thing she needed to be worrying about was me.
I had to piss like a racehorse so I stumbled up the stairs to the bathroom. My old bedroom had been turned into Mama’s sewing room years ago, and I found myself wishing for the first time in a long time that I could just fall into my old bed and pretend that I wasn’t an adult, pretend that all this time hadn’t passed, that all this shit wasn’t happening yet and that none of this was real.
But it was time to stop pretending. I stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the light. The brightness shot through my head like a bullet and I immediately flipped it back off and peed in the dark.
It was almost dawn and the first faint light of the day began to spill through the window. I took a deep breath, washed my hands and face, and as usual, vowed to never drink again. At least until tonight. After I had done something, anything, to make my parent’s lives a little easier.
I opened the bathroom door and slipped into the dark hallway. Voices trailed down it - I looked to the right and saw my parent’s door open. No time like the present to apologize, I thought, and I walked toward their room.
“He’ll never understand,” my mother said, her voice shaking.
“Lora, I think you’re underestimating him. He’s an adult now. He’ll understand. At least after the initial shock wears off.”
“Hank, I’m just not sure,” she said. She was crying. I stopped outside their door, pushing away the thought that I shouldn’t be eavesdropping. “What if he never forgives me?”
“Lora, we taught him better than that. Lee loves you. And he deserves to know the truth.”
When I heard my name, my heart began pounding. What were they talking about?
I inched closer to the door as they lowered their voices.
“Come here, baby,” my father said. “Listen to me, everything is going to be alright. It’s time, Lora. It’s time to tell Lee the truth, sweetheart. He deserves to know the truth. You can’t do this alone. We have to do it now…before…before I’m gone.”
Her muffled cries continued and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I walked into their bedroom and met my father’s surprised eyes.
“Tell me the truth about what?” I asked.
CHAPTER FOUR
LILY
“Okay, Lu, okay,” I said, pushing Lucy’s face from mine as I pulled myself out of bed. Sunlight streamed in through my white curtains and I sighed as the events of last night came flooding back into my memory. I’d cried myself to sleep after he’d left, determined to never let him make me cry again.
I forced myself to get it all out, to get over all those moments we’d spent together, to let go of all the shit I felt so sentimental about. None of that mattered anymore.
What mattered was now. And right now, I didn’t like him, let alone, love him anymore.
I’d be better off on my own. I’d be better off with anyone else.
This will leave me open for other possibilities, I tried to remind myself. When a door closes, another one opens, I repeated over and over as I took Lucy out for her morning walk.
Today was a new day and I was a brand new person. I could have a brand new life. A life that included happiness. And peace. And respect.
But first, I had to respect myself and that meant turning my back on the man that had walked out of my life last night.
With him around, I knew I’d never be happy.
But without him, my life was an empty canvas.
It was all up to me now. And I was finally free.
Part of me felt grateful he’d called me another woman’s name while he came inside me. It was just the push I needed to enable me to close the door.
And as far as I was concerned, it was now barricaded forever.
I’d spent so much time waiting around for him to get his shit together so I could finally start the future I’d always dreamed of.
At least I’d already started school. I had a long way to go before I was done, but I knew it would seem like it would go on forever once I’d committed to veterinary school. That was just fine with me, because I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else.
The rest, though? The husband, the kids, the house, the barn filled with goats, chickens, pigs and horses?
All of that will still come, I had to remember. The husband would just have a different face than the one I’d plastered into my daydreams.
And that was all good, too, because from now on, the most essential part of that fantasy was going to be the respect I demanded from that faceless husband.
I was determined never to settle for less.
At least not anymore.
But isn’t that what life is about? Learning the hard way what you don’t want in your life?
I guess I was taking the first step in that direction.
I looked down at Lucy sniffing the grass, squinting at the bright, warm sun that was already beating down on the Houston sidewalks, and I felt a slow grin begin to spread across my face.
Anything in the world could happen now. The possibilities were endless.
I’d never felt more free in my life.
Good riddance! I thought, as Lucy and I made our way back up to our apartment
.
CHAPTER FIVE
LEE
I drove towards the sunrise, my vision blinded by confusion, pain and rage. I shook my head, mumbling to myself, trying to find some way to deal with the devastating blow I’d been dealt.
How could this possibly be true?
I’d barrel
ed out of my parent’s house like a bullet, not even remembering starting up the truck and driving away. I reached for the bottle of whiskey huddled in the corner of the floorboard.
It was barely seven in the morning, but I didn’t give a shit. Flashes of memories pierced my dazed reality, and as I turned the truck towards the freeway, I couldn’t push them away, no matter how hard I tried.
Mama’s shocked eyes as she turned towards me standing in her doorway. The sadness on my father’s face as they attempted to explain the most devastating news I’d ever been given.
And what ironic timing they had, I thought. Why tell me now?
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pissed. I’d be lying if I said that I’d be able to easily forgive them. I’d never get over this. Never. Fuck, I’d be lying if I said I understood. I didn’t.
“Son, please sit down,” my father said. We all sat on the bed, my heart racing as he began to explain.
“Before you were born, Lee, times were hard.”
“What are you talking about?” I’d asked.
“I’m trying to explain. This isn’t easy. Before I do, I want you to know that your Mama and I love you completely. What I’m about to tell you doesn’t change anything.”
But it did. It did change everything. It also explained everything, I thought now with complete disdain. I took another slug from the bottle, hoping to at least dull the storm in my head a little bit. No wonder I always felt like an outsider. No wonder I never fit in. No wonder I was never fucking comfortable, even in my own goddamned skin.
“I love you guys, too. What is it?” I couldn’t understand why he was beating around the bush. What could possibly be so wrong? After telling us he was dying, what else could come close to being as bad as that?
“Years ago, your Mama and I hit a rough patch. That was all. It was brief, but it happened.”
Mama started crying again, burying her face in her hands next to me. I was getting pissed. He was telling me so slowly, I couldn’t stand the anticipation.
“Just fucking tell me!” My gut was shredded already, and I couldn’t take any more bad news.
“I’ll tell him, Hank,” Mama whispered, taking my hand. “I should be the one to say it.”
“Say what?” I said, looking over at her, tears streaming down her face as she looked into my eyes.
“I had an affair, Lee. I’m so sorry. Sometimes, these things just happen. I told your Pa about it right away.”
“What, Mama? Why? With who? Why are you telling me? Why now?”
“It happened before you were born, Lee. Don’t you understand?” Dad prodded.
“No, I don’t. What are you saying?”
I think my body knew before my brain. The shaking started, deep inside me, before radiating out to my limbs.
“Lee, I’m so, so, sorry, son,” Mama continued, gripping my shaking hand with her frail fingers. “Your Pa, he…I’m so sorry, Lee…” Her voice cracked and she dissolved into tears again, her body wracked with sobs.
“This doesn’t make any sense to me, what are you saying, Mama?”
“Lee,” my father continued. “What your mother is trying to say, son, is that I’m not your biological father.”
Like I said, my head hadn’t figured it out yet, but when the words passed his lips, it was like I had been shot by a cannon. The whole in my heart that was once a tiny little crack, opened up into a deep, pulsing, bloody wound.
“What?” The word escaped from my mouth on its own. I shook my head and found myself standing, looking down at them as they stared up at me. Dad was shaking his head, Mama’s face turned down in shame. He reached over and grabbed her hand, pulling her close to him. “What are you talking about? This doesn’t make any sense.”
“I know this is a huge blow, son. It was a long, long time ago. And I made the decision before you were born to raise you as my own. I’ve forgiven your Mama and I want you to do the same. She’s a good woman and she deserves your forgiveness.”
“Forgiveness?” I muttered, shaking my head in confusion. “I don’t understand…”
I turned to walk away, stopping at the doorway to look back at them. They looked so frail, so fucking old, so sad.
“Then who is my real father?” I asked. Terror and confusion gripped my brain and held on tight.
“It was Ward Hope, Lee,” my father whispered. “I’m so sorry, son. We love you so much.”
Houston. I’d go to Houston. Start over, somehow. Get good and drunk, forget about everything, and start over completely. That’s all I could think about as I drove out of town, past the bank, the post office, the saloon, the schools…everything that I had ever known disappeared in the rear view mirror and I couldn’t get away fast enough.
Maybe with time, I thought. Maybe with distance. Maybe if I drink enough, I’ll be able to forget everything I didn’t want to be aware of.
It was all too much. Especially for a man like me. I didn’t have the strength to deal with all of this, so I just wouldn’t deal with it at all.
I’d pretend it wasn’t happening, it wasn’t real. I was damned good at that. I’d pretend my father wasn’t dying. I’d pretend I wasn’t just told that I wasn’t a Haggard at all.
Ward fucking Hope. I was a Hope? How in the hell could that be? Ward Hope was dead, so I wasn’t going to find any answers there. I thought of the Hope brothers - Crit, Seth, and Jesse. We all knew each other well, but never in a million years did I ever imagine they would be my blood.
I thought of my brothers, Beau and Finn - and wondered if they knew. But of course, they didn’t. They never would have been able to keep that from me. I wondered what they would think once they found out.
But they wouldn’t.
I’d pretend it wasn’t happening. I’d push it all away, with the help of my favorite companion, and just stay there.
Drunk and pretending.
It was the only safe place I had left in this entire fucking world.
CHAPTER SIX
LILY
I licked the last envelope and then placed it in the pile on my desk.
“Do I have any money left?” Daddy asked from across the room.
“Nope,” I teased. “I used the last few thousand on a new gypsy horse - you don’t mind, do you?”
He closed the distance between us and kissed the top of my forehead.
“Anything for you, my dear,” he said. “You know I’d give you the shirt off my back.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” I replied. “Can you drop these off at the post office?” I handed him the stack of bills and closed the checkbook, sliding it back into my desk drawer. I’d been working for my dad a few years now and I still hadn’t tired of it. I loved being around him. He was constantly making me laugh, and even though he worked hard and made everyone else who worked for him work their asses off, nobody would ever say he wasn’t kind and fair.
I loved the fact that everyone who came in contact with him loved him as much as I did. He was a good man, and not everybody got a good man as a father.
I knew that and I never failed to be grateful for that fact.
My best friend, Vivian, had a horrible father. I’d watched her grow up fast once her dad left her mother behind, forcing Viv to get a job and help feed her two kid sisters when she was just fourteen.
I’d spent many nights at her house secretly grateful that I hadn’t been born into her family.
“Where’s your boy?” my dad asked. “He coming by today?”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I replied. I didn’t have it in me to explain to him that I’d broken up with my ‘boy’ just yet. Mainly, because I didn’t know how I’d ever explain why. I wasn’t about to tell my Daddy the embarrassing truth.
Last night had been one of the most humiliating moments of my life, and not one I was soon to forget, but the last thing I needed was to put that image in my Daddy’s head. I’d have been mortified if he found out.
“He’s been pretty busy lately, hasn’t he?�
�� he asked.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I murmured.
“Well, he better find some time to practice, or he won’t be the golden boy for long.”
“Yep,” I replied, shortly. I wished he would stop talking about him. I wished he wasn’t so fond of him, actually. It just made all of this so much harder.
“You okay, Lily?” he asked, his voice full of concern for me. “You sound a little down.”
“Yep,” I said, standing up and forcing cheerfulness to return to my voice. “I’m just fine.” I grabbed the pile of bills and threw my phone in my purse. “You know what? I forgot I have to pick up something from the store, so I’ll drop these off. You can do without me for an hour or so, can’t you?”
“Sure, sure…”
I suddenly felt crowded, trapped, claustrophobic - but it wasn’t because of his questions, and I knew that. It was the thoughts in my head that wouldn’t stop spinning, the way my heart was so broken, it felt full and heavy in my chest, causing my breath to be shallow and ragged.
Time, I thought, as I made my way out of the barn. Time will make this all better. I’ve just got to hold on and it’ll all go away.
CHAPTER SEVEN
LEE
By the time I made it to Houston, adrenaline had begun violently rushing through my veins, quickly draining me of all my energy. I found a quiet neighborhood to park my truck in, and exhausted, confused and numb, I pulled a blanket from behind the seat, covered myself in it and fell fast asleep.
I dreamt I was swimming in the middle of a clear blue lake, bright, burning sunshine beating down on me as I stared up at the clouds. All alone, I watched as the white, puffy clouds turned grey and stormy, the drops of rain plopping into the water around me until the water began churning violently, turning from a clear blue to a murky, dirty brown. I swam for shore, but something grabbed me from below, pulling me down into the dirty water, deeper and deeper, until I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, and the weight of the water began crushing me. I flailed around, fighting desperately against the invisible force that was holding me down, pulling me deeper and deeper into the terrifying darkness of despair.
THE HOPE BROTHERS: The Bad Boys of Sugar Hill Page 28