by Cindy Miles
Olivia hurried over to me. “Harper, what’s wrong with Kane?”
My lips were numb; I trembled where I stood, and an ache so painful it almost caused me to double over, started in my stomach. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her. All I could do is stare into the direction Kane left in. “It’s…my fault,” I said quietly. Brax had come to stand close to us, but he remained silent. “I came up with a plan to get back at the Kappas for their annual Dare,” I said slowly. “For what they did to you, and then Macie Waters this year.” I sighed, while Olivia and Brax both silently listened. “I came up with a reformation plan to get back at the Kappas.” I looked at her then. “A bad boy makeover.” God, how stupid it sounded now. “Three of us chose our subjects.” I sighed. “Kane was mine.”
“Christ almighty,” Brax muttered under his breath. “Gracie, let’s go.” He turned and headed back to his bike. His gait was fast, determined, and angry.
“He’s just protective of his brother,” Olivia offered kindly.
I shook my head. “I don’t’ blame him,” I said. “I was an idiot.”
Olivia placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled kindly at me. “Just give it some time, Harper,” she offered. “These things have a way of working themselves out.” Then she turned and crossed the lot to Brax’s bike, climbed on the back and pulled her helmet on, and they left. I watched Brax’s single tail light as it disappeared. I stood beneath the lamp light in the Delta’s yard. The night air surrounded me, and although people were milling about—even the Kappas’ rowdy music poured out of their house—I still felt completely and utterly alone.
I stayed there, outside, letting the chilled December air nip at my cheeks, my hands, for some time. How dumb could I be? I should’ve told Kane a long time ago about the Dare. At the very least, I should have told him about my reservations, and about calling it off. Instead I’d put it behind me. I’d greedily allowed my newfound joy with Kane to consume me in a way that I’d let my guard down. About everything.
How could I have hurt Kane like that? I knew he’d been through pain, like me. Yet I’d just added to it. Was Olivia right? Would this work itself out? For some nauseating reason, I didn’t think it would. Kane was the kind of guy who gave someone one chance to earn his trust. When you earned it, you truly earned it.
When you lost it? That was it. The trust was gone.
Just like it would be with me.
Tears came to my eyes and I let them fall freely. I couldn’t help it.
I’d just shredded everything Kane and I had gained to bits.
Finally, I ambled back inside to Delta house, and climbed the stairs to my room. Any hunger pangs I might have had earlier were gone. I readied for bed, climbed beneath my covers, and turned on my side.
In my heart I felt as though I’d just seen the last of Kane McCarthy.
Closing my eyes, I cried myself to sleep.
* * *
Three days passed by and not once did I see Kane’s truck on campus. He’d packed up his business and if he were still in town, he wasn’t at the school anymore. I’d wandered from class to class, meeting to meeting, once again on auto-pilot. I’d tried to call him, but he wouldn’t answer. I tried texting, too, but he didn’t respond to that, either. It was the longest three days of my life. The newfound freedom I’d acquired with Kane slowly started slipping away, and my old ways and old fears returned. Without my consent. They just…returned. Maybe even worse now. My appetite had fled, and sometimes I wouldn’t even finish the one meal I’d chosen for the day. I felt cold inside. Empty. Empty, without Kane. I missed him. And my heart ached knowing that I’d hurt him. His words haunted me; during the day, but mostly at night.
I. Trusted. You.
He’d laid his soul open to me; more than he had anyone, probably. And I’d yanked the rug out from under him. Guilt swamped me, and I had a difficult time keeping up the mask I’d carefully worn for two years at Winston. Three days. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Finally, I got the nerve up to go over to Brax’s. Inside, my stomach was a massive ball of rabid butterflies, all flapping around at once. The thought of facing Kane now scared me. But I had to do it.
When I pulled up to Brax’s apartment, my heart sank. Kane’s truck wasn’t there, but Brax and Olivia both were. Before I made it to the door to knock, they’d both stepped outside.
“He’s gone, sweetheart,” Brax said to me. “He’s pretty hurt, but I guess you know that.”
I nodded, and tears stung my eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”
Olivia’s hand found mine. “Brax must be forgetting what it’s like being in your shoes,” she said gently. “Right, Brax?”
Brax sighed, rubbed his head with his hand. “Look, Harper,” he said, not too rough. “I know my brother. He doesn’t let people in. He lets them in just so far.” Fah. He shook his head. “But he let you in. You got to him. So it makes the hurt that much worse.” He pulled Olivia close, tucking her head beneath his chin. “And yeah—I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. It fuckin’ sucks.”
A tear slipped past my lid. “I never meant for any of this to happen,” I said, then looked at first Olivia, then Brax. “Did…he leave Texas?”
“I’m pretty sure he did,” Brax said. “Can’t say for sure. Kane’s his own man. He answers to no one.” Brax surprised me then and pulled me into a fierce bear hug. “Give him some time, sweetheart,” he advised, then kissed the top of my head. “See what happens.”
I nodded. “Thanks.” My eyes then found his. “I didn’t know him then. I thought he was just some…random bad boy who needed reforming.”
A crooked smile tilted Brax’s mouth. “Well, that’s not too far off the mark now, is it?”
“Only he’s anything but random,” I said. Then, I looked at Olivia. “I’m sorry.”
She hugged me. “It’s okay, Harper. I understand why you did it.”
“He won’t answer my calls,” I said, and my voice cracked. “I’m just…so sorry.”
Olivia’s kind gaze sought mine. “If it’s true, and it’s meant to be,” she said, giving me a soft smile. “It will be. Trust that, if anything.”
I looked into Olivia’s wise eyes, and grateful for her friendship, I gave a nod. “Thanks, Olivia.”
I left after that, my heart clenched in pain. In fear.
Fear that I’d never see Kane again. And that I’d hurt him beyond repair.
* * *
The following evening was the Dash-n-Date. It was an event I didn’t have my heart into. Not at all. But I’d done everything I was supposed to do. Delta House was hosting desserts, and wearing a sleek red velvet dress with long sleeves and silver pumps, and fitted with an organza holiday apron, I stood with my sisters in the kitchen and served cherry almond cheesecake. Christmas music played on the CD, and the Deltas had decorated our small artificial tree and had it lit up in the corner of the common room. Garland hung along every surface, and along the bannister on the stairway. I pasted on a smile as I slid pieces of cheesecake onto sturdy paper plates with a silver serving spoon. Murphy was beside me, spraying the top with whipped cream and adding a cherry. She paused and glanced at me more than once.
“Something’s wrong,” she said. “I know I’ve been in my own little Josh world lately, but I see it now. You’ve slipped.”
I glanced at her and smiled weakly. “Slipped?”
“Aye,” she said. “Back to the old Harper Belle. You know? The one before Kane.”
The last of the date dashers passed through, sorority girls with their fraternity boys on their arms, everyone dressed in cheery holiday garb. After Murphy and I loaded the last of the cheesecake, she set her whipped cream down and tugged me by the arm.
“Let’s go,” she said.
“Where?” I asked.
“Upstairs.” She glanced at her me over her bare shoulder, and the hall light caught the shimmering silver in her off-the-shoulder dress. “Confession time, love.”
; On Murphy’s bed, I told her nearly everything that had happened between Kane and I. Including the beating he’d received by the outside group of men he’d run numbers on. And, his finding out about the Dare. I kept the rest to myself, though.
“Bollocks,” she whispered. “Damn, Harper. I’m so sorry.” She squeezed my hand. “He’ll come ‘round. I’ll bet my life on it.” She offered me a smile. “The way that boy looks at you? A simple misunderstanding about a sorority dare won’t keep him away.”
I sighed. “I hope you’re right.” I looked at her then. The one person I’d called a friend, besides Olivia, I supposed. “Thank you, Murphy.”
“Anytime, love,” she answered.
That night, I lay awake in my lightened room, staring at the ceiling. Thinking of Kane. I tried again to call him, but it went straight to voicemail. I hung up, the hole in my chest growing larger by the day. Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
* * *
It was three more days before Winston let out for the holidays. I’d not heard one word from Kane. No text. No call. Nothing. My heart felt cold, empty. Dull. Part of it was fueled by shame. I knew the Dare had been wrong from the beginning. I hadn’t counted on falling for my subject. Falling so fast.
Falling in love with him.
Just as fast, I’d ruined everything. And now Kane was gone.
I’d visited the park, sat on the bench with Clara, and we’d talked. I’d somehow found comfort in her company. She was sweet and wise, and just hearing the stories of her life uplifted me. Until I went to bed, where my fears and thoughts kept me awake. Kept my heart heavy.
I’d just left the library with Murphy, and she glanced over. “No word, eh?”
I shook my head. “No.”
She hugged me now, offering consolation as best as she could.
“Oy, love, he’ll be back,” she said. “Once his bruises are mended, he’ll realize he can’t live without you. Give him time.” She winked. “You’ll see.”
I nodded and, not wanting to be a total bummer, pasted a smile on. “How are things with Josh going?”
A slow smile broke her face. “Very well, thank you. He’s driving to meet my parents the day after Christmas.” She wagged her brows. “I can’t wait for the encounter with me father. Lord, that’s one big, intimidating Welshman.” She grinned. “I’ll be sure and video the occasion.” She hugged me once more. “If things change you call me, okay? You’re always welcome to the Polk house!”
“Thanks,” I replied. “I might—”
“Harper Belle?”
I turned at the sound of my name to find an older man dressed in a gray suit and long coat standing in the quad facing me. He was tall, with silver hair at his temples. Alert blue eyes stared down at me. Kind. Perceptive. He smiled.
“I’m sure you don’t remember me,” he offered. “We met a very long time ago.” His hand shot out, and I grasped it. “Detective Frank Shanks. May I have a word with you in private? I may have some news regarding your parents’ case.”
I stared at him, stunned. My mind whirled, and suddenly the sounds around me dulled. Even his mouth was moving, but I no longer heard his words. A wash of memory fell over me, sucking the breath from my lungs and making my knees go weak. The man who’d pulled me from that kitchen sink was here. The waves crashed over me then, standing there with my hand in Detective Shanks’ large one, his eyebrows furrowed as he ducked his head closer to me. My lips grew numb, and I began to gasp for air. Of course I remembered him. Had never forgotten him. Never would.
Oh Jesus, no! Don’t let this happen! Don’t let them see what’s inside of me!
As if on a fast-spinning carousel, I spun, faster and faster, and in the next instant I saw Murphy’s face, Detective Shanks’ face, and back and forth and spinning by so fast until I slipped, falling, my body jerking uncontrollably. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. The monster was out of me, I just knew it. I felt myself choking, coughing. Someone was going to see. I’d be put in an asylum. Tremors began to shake my body, uncontrolled, jerking.
Then, an ominous wall of darkness fell completely over my eyes.
* * *
“Hey, there you are.”
My eyes slowly fluttered open. Murphy stared down at me. A man—Detective Frank Shanks—stared down at me, too.
Along with what looked like half of Winston U.
“Harper, you had a seizure,” Detective Shanks offered. “Do you have epilepsy? How do you feel now?”
I tried to sit up, but he kept his large hand on my shoulder. “No, honey,” he said. His voice was gruff, sandy, but steady. “You stay right there. I’ve called an ambulance.”
I pushed up against him, my head spinning. “No, call them off,” I said. “I don’t need an ambulance. I’m fine.” I looked at him, and my fears returned. “No…epilepsy.”
I sat up now, and he allowed it. I glanced at Murphy, and her face was drawn tight in concern. Behind her, others were drawn in horror.
“You are a difficult girl to locate,” Detective Shanks said. “You’re all grown up now.” His face pulled in worry. “Just rest, Harper. Take it easy until the ambulance arrives. We can talk later, okay?”
Talk later? What had he found out? Had anyone heard his words? My eyes darted around at the eyes peering down at me. “I’m…fine. Really. Can I stand?” I wasn’t; my head hurt, and my insides felt sick. Detective Shanks brought back all of those horrors from so long ago. That night. The days I stayed crammed beneath the kitchen cabinet. He helped me stand, and I forced myself to be steady.
“You’ll have to come back,” I said hastily to Detective Shanks. I turned and wobbled, but forced my legs to carry me. To push me through the crowd. “I…can’t talk right now. No ambulance.”
He didn’t follow me; that surprised me. I pushed my way through the onlookers, and their faces all blurred as I passed by. They stared at me as if I were a monster, just like Corinne Belle had said they would. I had to leave. Had to get away, before someone came to take me to the asylum. My legs were weak but still I hurried, as fast as I could, until Delta House was in sight. Murphy was right behind me.
“Harper, wait,” she kept insisting. “Harper!”
I climbed the steps, stumbled to the door, and stood. I’d left my bag. My purse. My key. Tears began to fall, and then Murphy was beside me.
“Here, I’ve got it,” she said softly. “I’ve got your belongings, too.” She swiped the key and we both went inside. I ambled to the steps, and she followed right behind me. “Harper,” she said. “Love, you’ve got to rest.” Inside my room, I aimed for my bed. Murphy followed me there, and set my belongings on the floor. When I laid down, I turned on my side, facing away from her.
“That detective gave me his card,” she said, and set it on the nightstand. “I’ll stay with you. Harper, what’s going on?”
It was the first time Murphy had ever questioned me about my personal life. “I can’t say, Murphy. No,” I mumbled. “Please don’t stay.”
“I can’t just leave you here. After that.”
“Yes you can,” I answered. “Just go.”
“You call me if you need me,” she offered quietly. “I’ll be around until tomorrow.”
I didn’t say anything. Then I heard the door close, and finally, I breathed. My eyes drifted shut, and tears fell down my face as I once again cried myself to sleep.
Detective Shanks. How had he found me? And what did he want? After all this time, he’d brought the nightmares back to me. I didn’t want them. I wanted them gone. Forever.
I suppose that just wasn’t going to happen. Ever.
* * *
I slept through the night, and by morning, the news had spread about my demons. My psychotic breakdown had finally happened, right in front of the whole school. And just like Olivia, I’d become an overnight YouTube sensation at Winston. Corinne Belle had warned me it would happen if I wasn’t careful. No one really knew the extent of my demons, though, and for that I was grateful.
Brax and Olivia had come by, Murphy had let them in, and I’d spoken briefly to them both. I’d pasted on a brave face, told them very little, and had sent them on their way. Olivia’s face was drawn in concern, but I tried to convince her I was fine. Despite my humiliation of becoming a campus star, I found I wanted to just…disappear. Leave. And hopefully, everyone would forget the incident over the holiday break.
“Won’t you change your mind and come with us for Christmas?” Olivia offered. “It’d be good for you to get away.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But my grandmother is expecting me.”
Olivia watched me for a moment, seeing through my façade, but she nodded. “Okay,” she answered. “But I’m only a phone call away.” She cocked her head. “You shouldn’t be driving, Harper.”
“I’ll be careful,” I insisted. “Thanks, Olivia.”
I watched her and Brax leave, and not too far behind them, Murphy left. But she first begged me once more to come home with her. I graciously declined. Finally, I was the last one at Delta House. The campus already had that empty feeling that I usually didn’t mind. Now? It felt like a shell. An empty husk. Like me. Gathering my belongings, I shouldered my bag, placed it into the trunk of the Lexus, and left Winston.
The drive home consumed me. My heart felt as if it’d been run over. My stomach felt knotty, like it had been punched. Some of my secrets were out at Winston. What was I going to do about that when I returned?
Worse, there was a hole, a void, something missing and I knew it was Kane and that I was the reason he was gone. Would things had been different had I come clean with him right away? The moment I realized I no longer wanted to participate in the Dare? And that he actually meant something to me?
It was a long, long drive to Belle House. I stopped at the little local market and picked up a few things to eat, some bottled water and bananas. Then I drove to the house. Darkness had blanketed the property, but just as I’d left it, every single light blazed from the windows. I parked, gathered my meager groceries and overnight bag, and trudged to the front door. Kicking up the mat, I grabbed the key, opened the door, and went inside.