by Cat Hogan
‘So that’s that. Now I know for sure. Please don’t breathe a word to anyone, Jen.’
‘You need to speak to Doc. He needs to know that he’s going to be a dad again. You can’t keep this from him.’
‘I will tell him. Now, I need to get organised. I have to open in ten minutes.’
She put on her professional face and unlocked the front door.
Chapter 5
Doc was in the kitchen when Tess arrived home. She stood inside the front door, listening to the sound of his singing. His beautiful voice ricocheted around the big hall and seemed to bounce off the marble floor. Something smelled good too, and she felt hungry. A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the make-up was keeping her secret. No red eyes, no patchy marks on her cheeks.
‘Evening, my darling,’ he said as he came around the breakfast bar and swept her up into a hug.
He was a big strong man, and she used to feel so protected and safe in his arms.
‘How was your day?’ he asked. ‘I’ve made dinner, and the fire is lit.’
‘My, my, you have been busy. Well done, you,’ she replied.
He ignored the sarcasm. ‘I picked up a bottle of wine as well. I thought we could chill out in front of the fire for the night. Watch a movie maybe?’
She couldn’t speak, she didn’t trust herself. She needed to be strong. She made her way to the kettle – something to do. She needed something to hold on to. Her hands shook. Everything looked as it had this morning, but everything had changed.
‘Are you OK, Tess? You look distracted.’
‘I’m fine, Doc. Just tired.’ She couldn’t bring herself to turn around and look at him.
Her palms were sweating and she was panicking, her gut screaming at her to ask the dreaded question. Maybe she should just ignore it, brush it under the carpet. Let it all slip into the abyss and carry on as though she had no suspicion of any foul play. She loved him so much. Seventeen years together and he was her one and only love. Surely he wouldn’t throw that away? But she had to know. The seed of doubt had planted itself in her heart, the blossoming weeds strangling her. She had to consider the little life inside her. Would she be better off just pleading ignorance to her fear? But then she would never know. Maybe it was all in her imagination. Her Doc, he loved her. He wouldn’t betray her and his little boy. Last time, it was different – he wasn’t a dad then.
The high-pitched whistle from the kettle was a welcome break to the silence. The kettle, the peacemaker. In times of crisis, make tea.
‘Tea or coffee?’ she asked, as though she were addressing a punter in work.
‘I don’t want tea or coffee, Tess. I want to know why you are such a moody cow! Did something happen in work?’
So here it was. The elephant in the room, and the point where it all came to a head. The moment she would look back on as the one that changed everything. She sat down at the table, without answering his question.
He suggested dinner, she nodded her assent and the ghost of what should have been said hung heavy in the air. Looking around the kitchen, she nearly laughed. Her home, their home. A place they had spent the last decade together.
‘Tess, talk to me. What’s going on with you?’
‘I’ve already told you I’m fine, Doc. I’m tired. What do you want me to do? Dance a jig for you as I come in the door?’
‘Jesus Christ, Tess, I only asked you was everything OK. No need to bite my head off.’
He was on the defensive now. She knew he was right of course – she was being a cow. She slumped down at the table and didn’t even say thanks as he put dinner in front of her.
If he was having an affair, what would it matter? She knew she wouldn’t leave him. How could she? It would break little Hugh’s heart. He thought his daddy was Superman. A mother’s love for her child is the most powerful thing in the world. She would stay for the sake of Hugh and the unborn child. She felt as though she was observing herself from across the room. They sat at the table together in silence. The cannelloni sat beside the breads and green salad. She felt like throwing them against the wall but the dutiful wife sat there and ate.
‘Doc, have you slept with someone else?’
The pounding of blood through her ears made her feel faint. It was said, out of nowhere, and there was no going back now. Every fibre of her being begged for a no in reply.
‘What! Tess, where the hell is this coming from?’ He laid down his knife and fork and looked at her in amazement.
‘Answer the question, Doc. Are you sleeping with someone or not?’
‘What the hell has got into you lately? Jesus Christ! I’m working myself to the bone for this family, and just because I have a fucking laugh at the weekends, you’re accusing me of all sorts of shit!’
He stood up and snatched the plate from under her nose.
The sound of plates breaking in the sink was a metaphor for her frame of mind. The sadness lifted and she stood up as an observer, a witness to the unfolding calamity.
He was pacing now, hands in his hair, muttering something about doing everything for the family and how she was irrational and neurotic. Was it any wonder he stayed away at the weekends just for a bit of peace? All this nagging was driving him crazy.
He turned away from the sink to face her. He was furious.
‘Just answer the question,’ she deadpanned.
He was still pacing, but his demeanour had changed. Here it comes. His face had aged in minutes and he looked as though his world was just about to fall asunder.
‘No, I haven’t been sleeping with someone for Chrissake! You are deluded, Tess. I’m getting pretty sick of this crap. I knew there was some fucking thing you were brooding about! Have you any idea what it’s like? You’ve been moping around the place like you resent every move I make, and now you come out with shite like this!’
‘Get down off your high horse, Doc. I am working non-stop and I’m completely tired of never going anywhere or seeing anyone and, to top it all off, you’re like fucking Peter Pan. You take no responsibility for anything.’
‘Fuck off, Tess! You are full of it! I do my best to help here when I’m here. But I have to do the gigs. You know that. It’s always the same with you. I do the gigs you have a problem, I don’t do the gigs and there’s a problem. What do you want me to do?’
‘You clean up and cook dinner once in a while and expect me to be fucking grateful? Don’t give me that bullshit. You fucking never listen to how I feel!’ She was screaming at him now, and it felt good to her. He was right about the money – they couldn’t survive without it – but she didn’t care.
He was taken aback by her swearing. She rarely swore.
‘Please, Tess. I hate all this fighting. I am not doing the dirt on you, and I love you. Can we please just sit down and have a talk? We don’t talk at all any more.’
Doc was crying now – the weeks of tension had come to a head. Tess said nothing.
‘Tess, oh my God, where is all this coming from?’ He came around the breakfast bar and took her hands. ‘Do you think we have a choice when it comes to me being away gigging at the weekend? No, we don’t, we need the money. Please, for fuck sake, will you calm down and listen to me?’
‘Calm down?’ she roared, snatching away her hands. ‘Don’t you tell me to calm down! Answer me! You have done it before, after all!’
‘Ah, here we go! Drag all that up again why don’t you? It was ten years ago, and I promised you it would never happen again. And it hasn’t. Tess, you are my whole life. You and Hugh. We’re both stressed and worn out. I love you. I don’t want us to fight like this. We’re both wrecked. Maybe we just need a bit of time out together?’
Doc had always been the peacemaker. They argued like any couple but at the end of it they always compromised and found some kind of solution. This felt different.
She let him speak about promises and love and making time for each other and Hugh. All she could think about was when she was home tucked into b
ed with her son, he was out partying. She didn’t trust him any more. And when trust is broken, it can never be fixed.
‘Doc, I know you better than anyone. Something is going on and I can feel it. We could have worked on anything and we have done in the past. But not this. You are lying to me. The gigs are not about the money to you – it’s all about what goes with it. The lifestyle.’
She was calmer now. The clarity in her tone surprised her, and frightened Doc.
‘You don’t give a toss about me and my son,’ she said. ‘You live for getting away at the weekends and partying on with your amazing friends. I’d love to know how many of them are married with children. None, I’d imagine.’
‘Tess, for feck sake, I don’t know why you have cooked up this ridiculous idea. I do gigs all over the country to make extra money for this family. I work in the pub all week, and do gigs here on top of that for fucking nothing! What more do you bloody want from me? And by the way, he’s our son. Not your son.’
The mention of Hugh reminded her of her news.
It was getting petty now. And all her energy was gone. Maybe she had been wrong about him sleeping with someone, but she was so unsure. She mustn’t soften to him. She needed to be certain. She felt as though she was having some sort of breakdown. Was she imagining all the secrecy? Was she wrong in thinking he never came home after gigs because he simply didn’t want to? Not because he didn’t want to drive through the night? Her head hurt.
He sensed the fight go out of her. He knew what he had to do. If he called her bluff, she would back down.
‘Tess, I think we need a couple of days away from each other. I can’t take this atmosphere any more, and now you’re accusing me of all kinds of shit. I love you and Hugh. We need to fix this for all our sakes, but it’s not going to happen tonight.’
‘Whatever suits you,’ she replied.
‘Oh, for Chrissake! It doesn’t suit me, but I’m going. I can’t take this and you need to have a good think about what you want as well. Enough is enough.’
‘OK, that’s fair enough. If you want to go, you can go. It can’t be easy on you, as you said. Being accused of all kinds of shit. But before you go, I have a favour to ask you.’
He didn’t like the sudden change in direction and it threw him. ‘Go on, Tess?’
‘Show me your phone.’
‘What the fuck, Tess? No! This is absolute bullshit. How dare you try to invade my privacy because of a psychotic whim that you’ve cooked up today? No doubt your buddy Jen was fanning the flames.’
She said nothing and didn’t move a muscle. In her head she repeated the mantra ‘please don’t cry’ over and over and over. She felt sick. She just wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be OK. But she couldn’t.
He eventually went upstairs and she crumpled. She was so confused. She sobbed big heaving sobs. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if he was packing a bag or hiding out up in their room until she calmed down. Her own bag was on the floor beside her. She crouched down, opened it and took out the stick. It still read 3+ Weeks. She turned it over in her hand before putting it back in her bag.
‘Tess, what’s that in your hand?’
She hadn’t heard him coming back downstairs. The joys of carpeted stairs, she thought. She could see the overnight bag by the door, and wondered how on earth he had packed so quickly.
‘Where will you go, Doc?’ she enquired as though she were asking a stranger for the time.
She pulled herself and her bag up off the floor in one swift movement, while stuffing the test behind the torn lining. She composed herself and headed straight for the kettle. It’s a crisis. Hit the kettle, make a cup of tea. Her mind was swimming, and her gait was unsteady. She loved him so much – should she really let him walk? What effect would it have on Hugh, what about the baby? How can I tell him now?
Disaster. Disaster. Disaster.
‘Tess, I asked you what you had in your hand.’
‘It’s a pen, Doc. I’m going to write my fucking memoirs as an old and bitter divorced spinster.’ She made the cup of tea, slopping it on the counter. She lifted the cup and held on to it, like it was a life raft. She felt normal for a minute, until she heard the contents of her handbag being spilled out onto the breakfast bar.
‘What the fuck are you doing? You have some cheek talking about privacy!’ She dived across the kitchen to conceal the evidence – but the hiding place hadn’t let her down.
He was holding her pen in his hand. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it without comment.
She didn’t want to tell him, not like this.
The dam burst again. She was so exhausted from everything, not just this news. She loved her husband and her son, but life was really difficult. She grabbed her pen from his hand and stuffed it and her belongings back into the bag, her secret safe for now.
‘Just leave, Doc.’
‘Ah, Tess, please. You’re wrong. I love you. Can we talk properly, like adults?’
He took her in his arms and she let him. She let him hug her tight, his familiarity enveloping her. At that moment she knew that everything had changed. At that moment he repulsed her. He was her only love, together since they were eighteen, a lifetime to some. No matter what life had thrown at her in the past, she could always rely on Doc to fix it, to be there for her, to be the voice of reason. Not now. He was hiding something, and she knew in her heart that she could never get over it, not this time. She was completely alone.
She pulled away. ‘Doc, I don’t want to talk any more. We will not talk about this now. I’m too tired to even think right now but I know you’re hiding something. So just go.’
She spoke in a monotone, and hid her shaking hands by wrapping them around the cup in front of her. She wanted to know the truth, but couldn’t really handle hearing it.
‘This is crazy – it’s all in your imagination. I can’t believe you’re going to go through with letting me go. I wasn’t serious when I went upstairs and threw stuff in a bag. Tess, please, this is madness.’
‘I don’t care where you go, but I can’t be near you now!’
The venom in her scream, coupled with the sound of her teacup smashing off the back wall, frightened them both.
‘Just go, Doc. Be back here by the time Hugh gets home from school tomorrow. I don’t care where you go, but make sure you invent a good excuse. I don’t want anyone knowing about our business.’
She grabbed her handbag and walked out of the room. She texted Jen on the way up the stairs.
Doc felt a wave of panic set in. He had never seen her like this before and didn’t know how to respond. He knew he had fucked up. He loved Tess and Hugh more than anything. He had no choice but to go. He grabbed his phone from the counter to send a text. He hesitated – then sent one.
He cleared up the mess from the teacup, before making his way out to the car. There was no point in arguing further.
Tess lay on the bed and listened to the sound of the engine starting in the drive. She was so confused and terrified. She loved him and was worried about where he would stay. She knew he wouldn’t get in touch with Andy, for obvious reasons, and he couldn’t go to his parents’ place. He had seemed genuine when he denied it. Maybe it was all in her head, but why look so worried when she asked about the phone? Had she totally misread the situation? Maybe she was just neurotic like he said? Maybe the pregnancy hormones were making her crazy? She got up, ran down the stairs and out the front door. He was gone.
Doc’s phone lit up and he pulled over to read the message.
Hey, baby, what a lovely surprise. I’m jumping in the shower but the back door is open! XX
He typed a big ‘X’ in reply and turned off his phone.
Chapter 6
Andy, Danny and Butch were already in the kitchen when Jen got up. All three seemed to have already had breakfast and, as far as she could judge, Danny was instructing Andy on the proper way to cut his sandwich for his school lunch.
‘Morning, guys! What’s going on here?’
‘Mammy, we didn’t want to wake you. Andy told me you were up really, really late last night and he was going to bring me to school.’
Jen smiled at Andy as he put tea and toast on the table for her and pulled out a chair for her to sit.
‘This is really kind of the pair of you! Thank you!’
‘You’re welcome, Mam,’ Danny said with a big grin as he rushed out to go brush his teeth.
Jen looked at Andy who was drinking tea, standing against the counter.
‘Thanks for minding Danny last night, Andy.’
‘It was no problem at all, Jen – anytime I’m here it’s no trouble to help you out. How was she?’
‘She’s in absolute pieces. She’s so confused.’
‘Ah man, the poor woman! What has got into them? They need to sit down and talk all this out.’
‘I probably shouldn’t have opened my mouth, Andy. Don’t breathe a word to either of them if you see them. Jesus, look at the time – I have to get dressed!’
‘Jen, relax there. I’ve promised Danny I’ll drop him to school. I’m ready to go. I’ll be down on the pier till lunch and I’ll be back then. Have a nap and I’ll give you a shout when I get back.’