by Cat Hogan
Danny had taken Butch off his lead. He wouldn’t go far, he never did.
Andy was standing to one side, swinging his arms, not sure what to do.
‘Come on then, Andy,’ Jen said. ‘Can you get the flask out? We can have tea before those two come over ravenous. The mugs are on top of the basket.’
‘Jen, that flask is ridiculous. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one so big in my life.’
‘Steady on, dear. What will the neighbours think? Size doesn’t matter, you know – it’s the quality that counts.’
He was amused by her humour – he hadn’t seen this side to her before.
‘Here you go.’ She handed him the steaming mug, and sat cross-legged facing him. ‘Tea always tastes nicer outdoors. I love coming here – it’s so peaceful.’
They sat sipping their tea, luxuriating in the wonderful sunshine.
‘Jen, are you not bloody roasting in your long sleeves there?’ It was out of his mouth before he could stop it. He flushed in embarrassment, remembering why she always covered up.
‘I can’t wear short sleeves, Andy. The scar comes down along my left arm, just short of my elbow. It’s really obvious, and I don’t like people staring at it.’
‘Sorry, Jen. Me and my big mouth.’
‘Danny gets agitated when people comment, that’s all. Bless him, he’s really protective.’
‘He’s a good kid, Jen. You should be proud of him.’
‘Ah, I am. He’s my little angel.’ She looked over to where her little boy was trying unsuccessfully to climb one of the biggest trees in the woods. She kept her eyes on her boy as she went on. ‘It’s not easy with these scars, Andy. They’re really bad, and that’s not just me self-deprecating. Some days I don’t feel so bad about them, but I never feel good enough to let people see them and not give a shit.’
He let her speak, afraid of interrupting her. He felt that it was important she knew he was really listening.
‘I’ve lived with it all my life, but I can never get used to the look of it.’ She laughed at herself, but it was an empty, almost bitter laugh.
‘Ah Jen, what exactly happened to you?’ He couldn’t help himself. He had only a vague memory of the story. Everyone had known about it at the time, and Aunty Pat had made reference to it once or twice.
‘Me trying to be Miss Independence as a child. Pulled a big pot of boiling soup off the stove. I was only four. I was never one to listen to Mam, but I paid the price for that one. Nearly killed myself into the bargain, and we have both lived with the consequences ever since. I think Dad always kind of blamed me for Mam not wanting to have any more children. She never trusted herself after that. ’
‘Oh, Jen!’ Andy was horrified.
‘It missed my face, I’m grateful for that much, but it totally destroyed my chest area and upper arm.’ She reached for the flask and replenished their mugs. ‘Mam and the local postman saved my life. Third-degree burns, and months in hospital. I’m over that now – it took me a long time, but I have managed to put it behind me for the most part. I still remember it though.’
He took her hand in his, and squeezed. He didn’t know what else to do. He looked at her and felt protective towards her.
She pulled at her top and exposed her left shoulder. The scar looked like solidified candle wax, raised and white. She slipped her top back up to its rightful place, her secret safe again.
‘So, Andy, if you are ever trying to woo me, don’t buy me a lacy negligee.’ She squeezed his hand, and stood up. Her legs were shaking, but she felt a little bit lighter. ‘Come on, you two! Time for the picnic!’
Andy bowed his head, deeply shaken by Jen’s revelations. He busied himself helping to unpack the rest of the contents of the basket. When everything was laid out on the blanket, it was a sight to behold. Beautiful crusty bread with dips and a round of cheese. The leftover roast chicken from the day before, with a mixed salad and coleslaw. Wedges of the juiciest watermelon, famous Wexford strawberries bought on the side of the road en route, and ruby-red grapes. Iced sparkling water was served from a flask, and three wedges of Jen’s Chocolate Cola Cake lay in the basket for dessert. Butch had retired to the shade of a tree to gnaw on a bone.
They were having a great time, all of them. The afternoon slipped by nicely. Danny was quizzing Andy about the life of a fisherman and the Loch Ness monster, and Andy was teasing him about girlfriends and stunt scooters. Danny was soon full, and darted back to play with his best buddy. Butch was having none of it of course, preferring the gigantic bone and the shade to football.
Jen and Andy were now sitting beside each other, facing the same direction. Their legs were touching, but neither of them moved away.
‘What did you want to be when you were growing up, Andy?’
‘Well, when I was five I wanted to be a fisherman like my dad.’ He liked these games, and Jen was a great one for coming out with all sorts of random questions. He had listened with real interest the day she and Sal had argued over which African animal they would come back as in their next life. ‘But then I began to think that I wasn’t all that suitable for life on the high seas. I decided to be a doctor instead. I was lucky in school – my brain was wired for study and retaining lots of information quite easily but, like any teenager, I got distracted by girls and summer jobs. I also can’t stand the sight of blood or needles, so that ruled me out!’
‘Hang on a minute. You’re a fisherman – what do you mean you can’t handle the sight of blood? Sure, are you not up to your elbows in fish guts most days?’
He was laughing. ‘That’s different. I realised that I was afraid of needles and blood one afternoon in our kitchen. That’s how I got that.’ He pointed to the Harry Potteresque scar over his left eye.
‘I have to hear this one. Go on!’
‘Well, Ma was out for the day, and me, my sister and the lads thought it would be cool to pierce our ears. My sister wanted to be a beautician when she finished school, and convinced us all that it was part of the job she did on Saturdays. Sure we didn’t have a clue, and the fact she actually worked in a hairdresser’s made it all the funnier – and don’t forget, young lady, I’m a few years older than you, so it wasn’t like your fancy salons with the cappuccinos.’
‘All right, Grandad.’
‘Anyway, we were sitting at the counter in the kitchen, all lined up like ducks. She had the clothes-pegs on our ears, and the ice, and one by one, she got to work on us.’
‘Please tell me she sterilised the needle between each ear?’
‘Course she didn’t, are you mad? Anyway, Ben was before me, and the minute I saw that fecking needle pop out of his ear, and the blood drippin’ onto his Def Leppard T-shirt, I fainted. Fell off the stool, cracked me head off the counter, and landed in a heap on the floor.’
‘You are the biggest wuss I have ever met! That’s hilarious.’
‘What’s worse was my ma chose that moment to come home. There we were, two of the lads topless with her sleepers in their ears, while I was bleeding all over the floor and her fancy tea towels. We were in the super shit that weekend, and I got five stitches into the bargain. If my dad had his way, he would have superglued it closed. Jesus.’
‘But you can gut a fish no problem?’
‘I can gut a fish like a pro – especially with my new hunting knife which works a treat.’
‘So, what happened when you decided not to study medicine, you wuss?’
‘I did my school exams, and then went to work for my dad for a few years. Eventually went to college, studied Theoretical Physics, fell in love, got married, had an amazing job and a beautiful house, was widowed, sold up, travelled for a bit, came home, back to work for Dad, and here I am.’
‘I’m sorry about your wife, Andy. It’s very sad.’
‘Thank you, Jen. Now, enough of that. Let’s get that cake out, right?’ Then he called in the direction of the trees, with forced joviality. ‘Danny, I’m just going to eat your cake! Hurry up!’
Danny sprinted out of nowhere, and practically dived on the basket. Butch came flying too, but had to settle for chicken instead.
Cake eaten, Jen was became conscious of the time – she had to drop Danny over to Will’s. Reluctantly they started to pack up.
‘Well, it’s just as well we all have big appetites – the basket will be easier for you to carry on the way back, Andy. It’s practically empty.’ She was delighted – nothing pleased her more than people enjoying her food.
Andy seemed a little bit quieter on the trek back to the car. They were tired from the heat of the sun, and their bellies were full. She walked behind him, with Danny leading the procession. She wondered what he had looked like on his wedding day, and thought about how beautiful his wife must have been. She knew it was irrational, but she felt jealous of this poor dead girl. He seemed to have an air of melancholy about him most of the time. Could you fall out of love with someone after they died?
In the midst of all her ponderings, she failed to notice the big stick right across her path. Down she went, and the pain from her ankle blinded her. Danny came running back, and Andy went a bit pale looking at her bleeding knees.
‘I am a total fool,’ she gasped. She knew straight away that her ankle was swelling, but it wasn’t broken. A sprain – she had weak tendons and it wasn’t the first time it had happened.
‘Can you walk, Jen? What can I do?’
‘Don’t pass out on me, for goodness’ sake, anyway! Just don’t look at my knees, and help me up. Don’t make a fuss, cos Danny will panic.’
‘Mam!’ Danny was nearly in tears, and Butch was licking at her ankle.
‘Lads, stop fussing. I’m fine. Let’s get out of here before anyone sees what an eejit I am.’
The pain was lifting her out of it by the time she got back to the car, propped up by Andy. He would have to drive, she couldn’t. It was decided. He shuffled her into the car, pulled the seat back, and Danny put a cushion in the foot-well for her. All was good. She had a first-aid kit, and would strap the ankle as soon as she got home. They could drop Danny to Will on the way.
By now, the codeine had kicked in. Her ankle was nicely swollen and bruised, but she had strapped it and it now rested on the arm of the couch. Andy was flapping around the kitchen and she was grateful to have him in the house. It wasn’t the first time she had injured herself in this manner, and she knew, although it was only a sprain, she would be incapacitated for a while.
‘Jen, are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the emergency department?’ He had materialised at her side with a cup of tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits. She took the tea, and balanced the plate on her good leg.
‘Honestly, there is no need. But thanks, anyway. If you could dig my old crutches out of the garden shed, it would be a great help. I kept them from the last time I did this.’ Her voice had a slight slur to it, and her eyes looked heavy.
He went outside in search of the crutches. Before long he was back with them, cleaned, and he placed them beside the couch.
He eventually roused her from her sleep and suggested that she go to bed. The effects of the strong codeine had started to wear off, and he could see she was uncomfortable. Again he suggested the hospital, but she assured him, having suffered the same injury on more than one occasion, that she knew what she was dealing with and there was no need.
‘Come on, Jen. I’ll help you up the stairs. I’ve left water and pain relief up there – you should try and get a proper sleep.’
She winced as she swung her foot down to the floor. He gently pulled her up and supported her as she arranged the crutches. She felt clumsy as she made her way, slowly, to the bottom of the stairs, the click of the crutches rhythmic on the floor.
‘I can carry you if you want?’ Andy stood like a sentry beside her.
‘OK.’ She didn’t think she had the strength in her arms to get up the stairs.
He took the crutches from her and put them aside, then picked her up very gently. He was careful not to whack her sore foot against the wall in the narrow hall, taking his time to manoeuvre her sideways in his arms. This made her laugh. He had no trouble getting her to the top, and she enjoyed the feeling of being taken care of for a change.
‘Where to, m’lady?’ He rocked her gently in his arms.
‘Bathroom, please.’
She supported her weight on the hand basin as he went back downstairs to get her sticks.
‘Could you grab my PJs off the end of the bed for me!’ she called after him. ‘It would be easier to get changed standing in here.’
He came back with her PJs and stood the crutches against the sink. ‘I’ll wait for you outside,’ he said. ‘Don’t lock the door, just in case you slip.’
He went out and closed the door softly.
She started to undress, cursing herself for having a faded washed-out pair of pyjamas with teddies on them.
Ready at last, she called him back in.
He opened the door to her room, and guided her in. The water had been left within reach on the locker, and he had turned down the bedclothes.
‘You are incredibly thoughtful, Andy. Thank you so much.’ Pushing the bedclothes back further, she sat down on the bed, and gently swung her legs up onto it. ‘The pain is not so bad now really.’
He smiled and gently propped her leg up with a pillow. ‘Can I get you anything else?’
‘You could kiss me goodnight?’ Her voice was a whisper.
He didn’t have to be asked twice.
He sat on the side of the bed, and kissed her very gently. He was nervous – she could feel his arms shake on either side of her. They both knew this time there was no backing out from what was about to happen. He stopped, looked at her to make sure she was OK, before carefully swinging his legs up on the bed and lying beside her. The chemistry between them was now a palpable force.
His hands slid up her leg and traced circles on her thigh with his fingers. She propped herself up on the pillows and pulled his T-shirt up. He helped her pull it over his head. She tugged at his shorts and he removed them. Then he gently removed her pyjama bottoms. Her hand rooted around the top drawer of her locker until she felt the little foil package – kept there ‘just in case’. They didn’t speak at all, but kept eye contact with each other. He put the condom on, and she guided his hips where she needed them to go. He moaned as he entered her, and she moved her hips in time with his rocking, slowly at first, until their bodies took over and their impatience showed in how they pulled and bit at each other. She knew he was holding back, waiting for her. The intense waves of pleasure took her by force, and she let go, the pain in her foot forgotten. Her moans excited him, pushing him over the edge. He thrust harder and harder until he too cried out in pleasure. He buried his face in her neck, and inhaled the gentle smell of her perfume. They lay like that for a while, both lost in the pleasure and the realisation that there was no going back from this moment.
Eventually he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back he lay down beside her.
‘Jen, I’m mad about you.’ He kissed her on the temple and put his arm across her waist.
‘And I am about you, Andy.’ She kissed him. ‘Stay here with me tonight.’ She wanted to fall asleep with him beside her, and wake up to his face in the morning.
He smiled and nodded, then pulled the bedclothes over them.
She wasn’t sure where this was going. They would have to be so careful in the house when Danny got home – she needed to figure where this was headed before he knew anything. And there was the slight problem of Andy leaving at the end of the year – she would cross that bridge later. For now, she just wanted to lie here, in the arms of this kind, lovely man and feel excited about what tomorrow would bring. His breathing was soft and regular beside her, and she gave in to sleep as well.
He woke during the night, and thought it was Sharon’s warm body beside him. He was dazed and confused as to where he was. Then he remembered. He was here
with Jen, not his dead wife. He had not lain with a woman since her, and he felt as though it was some form of betrayal of her, and her memory. He still loved her, he knew that much, but now he was faced with new feelings for this woman, and her little boy. His analytical brain was his worst enemy at times, overthinking everything to the point of talking himself out of things. He went to the bathroom to clear his throat of the lump of emotion caught there.
He stood outside Jen’s door, faced with a choice: to take a leap of faith or to stay put, living with a ghost.
He sneaked back into the bed beside her, wrapped his arm around her and went to sleep. Tomorrow would take care of itself.
Chapter 18
She awoke to the sound of gale-force winds and driving rain, the beautiful weather of the previous day long gone. Feeling the warmth beside her, she couldn’t help but smile and toyed with the idea of getting up and making breakfast until she remembered her damaged ankle. And she didn’t want to break the magic spell just yet, so she lay there waiting for him to wake.
‘Morning,’ he said as he turned over. ‘How’s the foot?’
He smiled at her, and she felt relieved. She had wondered if he would think he had made a mistake the night before but that smile reflected what she was feeling.
‘It’s sore, but not as bad as yesterday. It’s quite stiff.’