HE
[ditto] Goodbye, madam. [Pause.] To the right, madam, that’s the garbage—[faint stress]—the house garbage. [Pause.] Goodbye, madam.
[Long pause. Sound of curtains violently drawn, first one, then the other, clatter of the heavy rings along the rods. Pause. Faint ping—as sometimes happens—of telephone receiver raised from cradle. Faint sound of dialling. Pause.] Hello . . . Miss . . . is the doctor . . . ah . . . yes . . . he to call me . . . Macgillycuddy . . . Mac-gilly-cuddy . . . right . . . he’ll know . . . and Miss . . . Miss! . . . urgent . . . yes! . . . [shrill] . . . most urgent!
[Pause. Receiver put down with same faint ping. Pause. Click.]
MUSIC
[faint] ...........................................
HE
[with music] Good God!
MUSIC
[faint] ...........................................
[Silence. Pause. Click.]
VOICE
[faint] ...........................................
HE
[with voice, shrill] Come on! Come on!
VOICE
[faint] ...........................................
[Silence.]
HE
[low] What’ll I do? [Pause. Faint ping of receiver raised again. Faint dialling. Pause.] Hello . . . Miss . . . Macgilly cuddy . . . Mac-gillycuddy . . . right . . . I’m sorry but . . . ah . . . yes . . . of course . . . can’t reach him . . . no idea . . . understand . . . right . . . immediately . . . the moment he gets back . . . what? . . . [shrill] . . . yes! . . . I told you so! . . . most urgent! . . . most urgent! . . . [Pause. Low.] Slut! [Sound of receiver put down violently. Pause. Click.]
MUSIC
[faint, brief] .......................................
[Silence. Click.]
VOICE
[faint, brief]
HE
[with voice, shrill] It’s crazy! Like one!
[Telephone rings. Receiver raised immediately, not more than a second’s ring.]
HE
[with music and voice] Yes . . . wait . . . [Music and voice silent. Very agitated.] Yes . . . yes . . . no matter . . . what the trouble is? . . . they’re ending . . . ENDING . . . this morning . . . what? . . . no! . . . no question! . . . ENDING I tell you . . . nothing what? . . . to be done? . . . I know there’s nothing to be done . . . what? . . . no! . . . it’s me . . . ME . . . what? I tell you they’re ending . . . ENDING . . . I can’t stay like that after . . . who? . . . but she’s left me . . . ah for God’s sake . . . haven’t they all left me? . . . did you not know that? . . . all left me . . . sure? . . . of course I’m sure . . . what? . . . in an hour? . . . not before? . . . wait . . . [low] . . . there’s more . . . they’re together . . . TOGETHER . . . yes . . . I don’t know . . . like . . . [hesitation] . . . one . . . the breathing . . . I don’t know . . . [vehement] . . . no! . . . never! . . . meet? . . . how could they meet? . . . what? . . . what are all alike? . . . last what? . . . gasps? . . . wait . . . don’t go yet . . . wait! . . . [Pause. Sound of receiver put down violently. Low.] Swine!
[Pause. Click.]
MUSIC
[failing] ..................................
[Telephone rings. Receiver immediately raised.]
HE
[with music and voice] Miss . . . what? . . . [music and voice silent] . . . a confinement? . . . [long pause] . . . two confinements? . . . [long pause] . . . one what? . . . what? breech? . . . what? . . . [long pause] . . . tomorrow noon? . . . [Long pause. Faint ping as receiver put gently down. Long pause.
Click.]
MUSIC
[brief, failing] ...........
[Silence. Long pause.]
HE
[whisper] Tomorrow . . . noon . . .
ROUGH FOR RADIO II
Animator
Stenographer
Fox
Dick (mute)
A Ready, miss?
S And waiting, sir.
A Fresh pad, spare pencils?
S The lot, sir.
A Good shape?
S Tiptop, sir.
A And you, Dick, on your toes? [Swish of bull’s pizzle. Admiringly.] Wow! Let’s hear it land. [Swish and formidable thud.] Good. Off with his hood. [Pause.] Ravishing face, ravishing! Is it not, miss?
S Too true, sir. We know it by heart and yet the pang is ever new.
A The gag. [Pause.] The blind. [Pause.] The plugs. [Pause.] Good. [He thumps on his desk with a cylindrical ruler.] Fox, open your eyes, readjust them to the light of day and look about you. [Pause.] You see, the same old team. I hope—
S [aflutter] Oh!
A What is it, miss? Vermin in the lingerie?
S He smiled at me!
A Good omen. [Faint hope.] Not the first time by any chance?
S Heavens no, sir, what an idea!
A [disappointed] I might have known. [Pause.] And yet it still affects you?
S Why yes, sir, it is so sudden! So radiant! So fleeting!
A You note it?
S Oh no, sir, the words alone. [Pause.] Should one note the play of feature too?
A I don’t know, miss. Depending perhaps.
S Me you know—
A [trenchant] Leave it for the moment. [Thump with ruler.] Fox, I hope you have had a refreshing night and will be better inspired today than heretofore. Miss.
S Sir.
A Let us hear again the report on yesterday’s results, it has somewhat slipped my memory.
S [reading] “We the undersigned, assembled under—”
A Skip.
S [reading] “. . . note yet again with pain that these dicta—”
A Dicta! [Pause.] Read on.
S “. . . with pain that these dicta, like all those communicated to date and by reason of the same deficiencies, are totally inacceptable. The second half in particular is of such—”
A Skip.
S “. . . outlook quite hopeless were it not for our conviction—”
A Skip. [Pause.] Well?
S That is all, sir.
A . . . same deficiencies . . . totally inacceptable . . . outlook quite hopeless . . . [Disgusted.] Well! [Pause.] Well!
S That is all, sir. Unless I am to read the exhortations.
A Read them.
S “. . . instantly renew our standing exhortations, namely:
1. Kindly to refrain from recording mere animal cries, they serve only to indispose us.
2. Kindly to provide a strictly literal transcript, the meanest syllable has, or may have, its importance.
3. Kindly to ensure full neutralization of the subject when not in session, especially with regard to the gag, its permanence and good repair. Thus rigid enforcement of the tube-feed, be it per buccam or be it on the other hand per rectum, is absolutely”—one word underlined—“essential. The least word let fall in solitude and thereby in danger, as Mauthner has shown, of being no longer needed, may be it”—three words underlined.
“4. Kindly—”
A Enough! [Sickened.] Well! [Pause.] Well!
S It is past two, sir.
A [roused from his prostration] It is what?
S Past two, sir.
A [roughly] Then what are you waiting for? [Pause. Gently.] Forgive me, miss, forgive me, my cup is full. [Pause.] Forgive me!
S [coldly] Shall I open with yesterday’s close?
A If you would be so good.
S [reading] “When I had done soaping the mole, thoroughly rinsing and drying before the embers, what next only out again in the blizzard and put him back in his chamber with his weight of grubs, at that instant his little heart was beating still I swear, ah my God my God.” [She strikes with her pencil on her desk.] “My God.”
[Pause.]
A Unbelievable! And there he jibbed, if I remember aright.
S Yes, sir, he would say no more.
A Dick functioned?
S Let me see . . . Yes, twice.
[Pause.]
A Does not the glare incommode you, miss, what if we should let down the blind?
S Thank you, sir, not on my account, it can never be too warm, never too bright, for me. But, with your permission, I shall shed my overall.
A [with alacrity] Please do, miss, please do. [Pause.] Staggering! Staggering! Ah were I but . . . forty years younger!
S [rereading] “Ah my God my God.” [Blow with pencil.] “My God.”
A Crabbed youth! No pity! [Thump with ruler.] Do you mark me? On! [Silence.] Dick! [Swish and thud of pizzle on flesh. Faint cry from Fox.] Off record, miss, remember?
S Drat it! Where’s that eraser?
A Erase, miss, erase, we’re in trouble enough already. [Ruler.] On! [Silence.]
Dick!
F Ah yes, that for sure, live I did, no denying, all stones all sides—
A One moment.
F —walls no further—
A [ruler] Silence! Dick! [Silence. Musing.] Live I did . . . [Pause.] Has he used that turn before, miss?
S To what turn do you allude, sir?
A Live I did.
S Oh yes, sir, it’s a notion crops up now and then. Perhaps not in those precise terms, so far, that I could not say offhand. But allusions to a life, though not common, are not rare.
A His own life?
S Yes, sir, a life all his own.
A [disappointed] I might have known. [Pause.] What a memory—mine!
[Pause.] Have you read the Purgatory, miss, of the divine Florentine?
S Alas no, sir. I have merely flipped through the Inferno.
A [incredulous] Not read the Purgatory?
S Alas no, sir.
A There all sigh, I was, I was. It’s like a knell. Strange, is it not?
S In what sense, sir?
A Why, one would rather have expected, I shall be. No?
S [with tender condescension] The creatures! [Pause.] It is getting on for three, sir.
A [sigh] Good. Where were we?
S “. . . walls no further—”
A Before, that, miss, the house is not on fire.
S “. . . live I did, no denying, all stones all sides”—inaudible—“walls—”
A [ruler] On! [Silence.] Dick!
S Sir.
A [impatiently] What is it, miss, can’t you see that old time is aflying?
S I was going to suggest a touch of kindness, sir, perhaps just a hint of kindness.
A So soon? And then? [Firmly.] No, miss, I appreciate your sentiment. But I have my method. Shall I remind you of it? [Pause. Pleading.] Don’t say no! [Pause.] Oh you are an angel! You may sit, Dick. [Pause.] In a word, REDUCE the pressure instead of increasing it. [Lyrical.] Caress, fount of resipescence! [Calmer.] Dick, if you would. [Swish and thud of pizzle on flesh. Faint cry from Fox.] Careful, miss.
S Have no fear, sir.
A [ruler] . . . walls . . . walls what?
S “no further,” sir.
A Right. [Ruler.] . . . walls no further . . . [Ruler.] On! [Silence.] Dick!
F That for sure, no further, and there gaze, all the way up, all the way down, slow gaze, age upon age, up again, down again, little lichens of my own span, living dead in the stones, and there took to the tunnels. [Silence. Ruler.] Oceans too, that too, no denying, I drew near down the tunnels, blue above, blue ahead, that for sure, and there too, no further, ways end, all ends and farewell, farewell and fall, farewell seasons, till I fare again. [Silence. Ruler.] Farewell. [Silence. Ruler. Pause.]
A Dick!
F That for sure, no denying, no further, down in Spring, up in Fall, or inverse, such summers missed, such winters. [Pause.]
A Nice! Nicely put! Such summers missed! So sibilant! Don’t you agree, miss?
A Hsst!
F —fatigue, what fatigue, my brother inside me, my old twin, ah to be he and he—but no, no no. [Pause.] No no. [Silence. Ruler.] Me get up, me go on, what a hope, it was he, for hunger. Have yourself opened, Maud would say, opened up, it’s nothing, I’ll give him suck if he’s still alive, ah but no, no no. [Pause.] No no.
[Silence.]
A [discouraged] Ah dear.
S He is weeping, sir, shall I note it?
A I really do not know what to advise, miss.
S Inasmuch as . . . how shall I say? . . . human trait . . . can one say in English?
A I have never come across it, miss, but no doubt.
F Scrabble scrabble—
A Silence! [Pause.] No holding him!
S As such . . . I feel . . . perhaps . . . at a pinch . . .
[Pause.]
A Are you familiar with the works of Sterne, miss?
S Alas no, sir.
A I may be quite wrong, but I seem to remember, there somewhere, a tear an angel comes to catch as it falls. Yes, I seem to remember . . . admittedly he was grandchild to an archbishop. [Half rueful, half complacent.] Ah these old spectres from the days of book reviewing, they lie in wait for one at every turn. [Pause. Suddenly decided.] Note it, miss, note it, and come what may. As well as for a sheep . . . [Pause.] Who is this woman . . . what’s the name?
S Maud. I don’t know, sir, no previous mention of her has been made.
A [excited] Are you sure?
S Positive, sir. You see, my nanny was a Maud, so that the name would have struck me, had it been pronounced. [Pause.]
A I may be quite wrong, but I somehow have the feeling this is the first time—oh I know it’s a far call!—that he has actually . . . named anyone. No?
S That may well be, sir. To make sure I would have to check through from the beginning. That would take time.
A Kith and kin?
S Never a word, sir. I have been struck by it. Mine play such a part, in my life!
A And of a sudden, in the same sentence, a woman, with Christian name to boot, and a brother. I ask you!
[Pause.]
S That twin, sir . . .
A I know, not very convincing.
S [scandalized] But it’s quite simply impossible! Inside him! Him!
A No no, such things happen, such things happen. Nature, you know . . . [Faint laugh.] Fortunately. A world without monsters, just imagine! [Pause for imagining.] No, that is not what troubles me. [Warmly.] Look you, miss, what counts is not so much the thing, in itself, that would astonish me too. No, it’s the word, the notion. The notion brother is not unknown to him! [Pause.] But what really matters is this woman—what name did you say?
S Maud, sir.
A Maud!
S And who is in milk, what is more, or about to be.
A For mercy’s sake! [Pause.] How does the passage go again?
S [rereading] “Me get up, me go on, what a hope, it was he, for hunger. Have yourself opened, Maud would say, opened up, it’s nothing, I’ll give him suck if he’s still alive, ah but no, no no.” [Pause.] “No no.”
[Pause.]
A And then the tear.
S Exactly, sir. What I call the human trait.
[Pause.]
A [low, with emotion] Miss.
S Sir.
A Can it be we near our goal. [Pause.] Oh how bewitching you look when you show your teeth! Ah were I but . . . thirty years younger.
S It is well after three, sir.
A [sigh] Good. Where he left off. Once more.
S “Oh but no, no—”
A Ah but no. No?
S You are quite right, sir. “Ah but no, no—”
A [severely] Have a care, miss.
S “Ah but no, no no.” [Pause.] “No, no.”
A [ruler] On! [Silence.] Dick!
S He has gone off, sir.
A Just a shade lighter, Dick. [Mild thud of pizzle.] Ah no, you exaggerate, better than that. [Swish and violent thud. Faint cry from Fox. Ruler.] Ah but no, no no. On!
F [scream] Let me out! Peter out in the stones!
A Ah dear! There he goes again. Peter out in the stones!
S It’s a mercy he’s tied.
A [gently] Be reasonable, Fox. Stop—you may sit
, Dick—stop jibbing. It’s hard on you, we know. It does not lie entirely with us, we know. You might prattle away to your latest breath and still the one . . . thing remain unsaid that can give you back your darling solitudes, we know. But this much is sure: the more you say the greater your chances. Is that not so, miss?
S It stands to reason, sir.
A [as to a backward pupil] Don’t ramble! Treat the subject, whatever it is! [Snivel.] More variety! [Snivel.] Those everlasting wilds may have their charm, but there is nothing there for us, that would astonish me. [Snivel.] Those micaceous schists, if you knew the effect [snivel] they can have on one, in the long run. [Snivel.] And your fauna! Those fodient rodents! [Snivel.] You wouldn’t have a handkerchief, miss, you could lend me?
S Here you are, sir.
A Most kind. [Blows nose abundantly.] Much obliged.
S Oh you may keep it, sir.
A No no, now I’ll be all right. [To Fox.] Of course we do not know, any more than you, what exactly it is we are after, what sign or set of words. But since you have failed so far to let it escape you, it is not by harking on the same old themes that you are likely to succeed, that would astonish me.
S He has gone off again, sir.
A [warming to his point] Someone, perhaps that is what is wanting, someone who once saw you . . . [abating] . . . go by. I may be quite wrong, but try, at least, what do you stand to lose? [Beside himself.] Even though it is not true!
S [shocked] Oh sir!
A A father, a mother, a friend, a . . . Beatrice—no, that is asking too much. Simply someone, anyone, who once saw you . . . go by. [Pause.] That woman . . . what’s the name?
S Maud, sir.
A That Maud, for example, perhaps you once brushed against each other.
Think hard!
S He has gone off, sir.
A Dick!—no, wait. Kiss him, miss, perhaps that will stir some fibre.
S Where, sir?
A In his heart, in his entrails—or some other part.
S No, I mean kiss him where, sir?
A [angry] Why on his stinker of a mouth, What do you suppose?
The Collected Shorter Plays Page 10