by Diana Nixon
I leaned forward and closed my eyes, feeling Will’s breath on my forehead. I was dying to feel his lips on mine, strong and demanding, as always. I would have given absolutely anything to just let myself dive into the sweetest of dreams that he always knew how to create for me. I would have just stayed there, with no regrets or worries about my future. I would have just let his love take me away. . . It was so easy to envision his knowing hands and lips doing their best to tease me. But we both knew that it was not possible at the moment.
“You are killing me, Louise. . .”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, still keeping my eyes closed. It took a great deal of restraint to play it cool, or at least to pretend I was playing it cool.
“I’m still waiting, you know?” He put a finger under my chin, making me look up at him. “I’m still waiting for you, for your return.”
“I know.”
“And I don’t care if it takes forever, I will wait. . .”
Chapter 3
If I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, I was wrong. For five months, I had been telling myself that I could stay away from Will and not feel completely broken and lonely. But after our unexpected meeting, I realized that it was just a lie I so badly wanted to believe in. I was nothing without him. . . I spent all my days studying, training, and giving individual dance lessons for the kids at Balero. But I never ever thought I would feel so down and depressed after seeing Will and having to say good-bye again; and only God knew how long it would be before I could stay and be with him again.
He had been very careful to not say anything that would scare me away forever. Even when asking me to move into his place, he tried to not sound like it was a demand, rather a simple question. I knew Will never stopped worrying about me. Then, the moment I told him I had a meeting – which, by the way, was another lie that I chose over Will and his tempting presence – he said okay and walked to the front door, as if it were just like any other time we were just saying good-bye for a little while, and not for as long as we both needed. For a moment, I felt disappointment overwhelming me. Is he really going to leave just like that? Without a hug? Or a friendly kiss on the cheek?
But then, he turned around, and came back to where I was standing. More than anything did I want to tell him that he could stay, and do whatever the hell he wanted.
“Louise. . .” My name, said in a soft, velvet voice caressed my lips. He put his palm on my cheek, and pulled me closer, wrapping one arm around me. “I know I shouldn’t do this. . . But. . . Fuck the rules.” The next second his lips were on mine, daring, teasing, provoking. Though time had passed, the chemistry between us hadn’t faded. It was still there, pulsing between us, ticking like a bomb that could explode at any second.
My thoughts raced. All the fears I had been trying to suppress without Will, were gone in no time flat, as if they never existed at all.
This is where I always wanted to be: by his side and in his arms.
For the first time in months, I melted into him, just letting go. . . My body began to shake slightly. The kiss was too much. Too perfect, too familiar, and too damn tempting to break it. Hot, sweet, and just passionate enough to know that when it was over I would want more, so much more than that.
“For God’s sake, Louise. . . Come with me, don’t make me leave, please. . .”
“It’s for the best. . .” My heart was pounding in my chest, pressed hard against Will’s. I was losing it badly. And he knew it. He knew me so well, he knew he could push just a little harder and I would say yes to whatever he had in that mind of his. But he didn’t do that. He let me go and took a step back, still holding eye contact that was probably even harder to ignore than his lips kissing me with so much need.
“How about we get back to this. . .conversation a little later?” He smiled with the corners of his mouth, both sadly and mysteriously, as if he knew something I didn’t.
“Okay.”
He smiled again, wider this time. “Good.” Then he moved forward, and placed a soft kiss on my cheek, right next to my lips, obviously on purpose, as if his previous kiss was not enough to regret my decision to keep distance between us. “See you soon?”
“Maybe.”
“When?”
“I thought you said you didn’t want to rush me.”
“And I thought you didn’t want me to touch you, or kiss you. . .”
Now, that was unfair.
Score one, Mr. Sexy Secret. Zero to Louise, as always.
“I never said that,” I said, a little offended.
“I love you, Louise, always did and always will.” The words came out of his mouth so easily, they sounded so natural, so real. No one ever taught me about love before Will. He was the very first person who loved me and made me believe that love could be beautiful, exciting, and powerful. Just knowing he still loved me gave me so much strength. And that was priceless.
“I love you too, Handsome. You know that, right?”
His lips twisted into one sexy as hell smirk. “Never doubted it.”
As always, he left without even saying good-bye. He hated saying good-bye to me. And as always, I started missing him the moment I closed the door behind him. . .
***
“Hello, earth to Lu!” Kate said. It apparently wasn’t the first time she had tried to get my attention, because she also snapped her fingers in front of my eyes. “Are you even listening to me?” I was so deep in thought about Will, I didn’t hear a single word she had said to me.
“Sorry, I’m still too shocked by everything that happened this morning to think about anything else.” I forced a smile and took a sip of my tea, allowing the warm, leafy and lemony mixture to slide down my throat, soothing my mind at least a little. Coffee was my favorite thing to drink, but when it came to relaxing my body and mind, lemon tea ran a very close second.
“What part of this morning surprised you most – a meeting with your Daddy Dearest Asshole of a Father…or…Will’s kiss?” Kate asked.
I hadn't planned on visiting Le Papillon today, but after all the drama this morning, I needed to vent to someone; on any other day I would have called Christopher, but when I considered the fact one of the topics I wanted to discuss was sharing a kiss with Will, I decided Chrissy, this is how I called him when he couldn’t hear me, wasn’t an option this time. That’s why I called Kate. The very first day I met her in the club, I knew she was one of a very few people in the world I could trust.
“I honestly couldn’t tell you. I have no idea,” I said, looking at her. We were sitting in the club’s café; all the other girls were in training, so it was one of the rare moments Kate and I could talk privately, without eavesdroppers around to gossip about all the details later.
“What does Will think about your father’s candidacy? Drew said the fucker was pissed when he heard you had left the club. He just assumed you would stay here, no questions asked, for at least two more years. What he didn’t expect was for you to find a handsome stranger and realize you thought for yourself, you didn’t need anyone else to do the thinking for you. That’s what really pissed him off, in my opinion anyway.”
“Will said that I should be careful. Montgomery was not kidding when he said that he doesn’t want anyone to find out about me. Will also asked me to move into his house. . .”
“Which, I guess, was the worst thing he could ask you to do, right?”
I smiled sadly. “Well, like you said, I don’t need anyone to do my thinking for me, and I am still learning how to be the independent person I want to be; so yeah, I guess you could say the offer was the worst of the worst.”
“He loves you, girl, and it is only natural for him to be worried about your safety.”
“I know, but moving in with him, at this point, would be a huge mistake, and one I know I would regret. I have just started to learn how to take care of myself, on my own. Do you know how sick and tired I am of having people babysit or watch over me all the time? First it was Marlena with her s
tupid trackers, then Drew, Will, and now it’s my father’s watchdogs. I don’t want anyone to follow my every step. I want to be free, Kate. Honestly and truly free, and I can’t be that while everyone is making sure I won’t get hurt or ruin their reputation. I wish they could give me a break, at least for one day. Which, I guess, is too much to ask for.”
“People can only be free while they are lonely. Because even if you decide, let’s say, to have a dog, you won’t be free anymore. You will have obligations, you will have to dedicate your time to the damn dog. And when you are in love, Louise, you will never be free, no matter how far or how long you stay away from the person you are in love with. Your heart will always pull you where he is. It’s inevitable.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?”
“Then why do you keep pushing him away? Is it just because of your fear of being controlled again? Or is there something else? Tell me, Lu, you can tell me anything, you know that.”
I had never told anyone about the one other fear that I couldn't seem to shake. It lived so deep inside me, I was afraid to even think about it, not to mention talking about it to anyone.
“I have never had a family, Kate. . . I’m not sure I even know how to be a part of one.”
“What? Are you out of your damn mind, girl? Family is not a skill that you might or might not have! You don’t need to learn how to love someone or how to be loved. It comes with life. And you have a whole eternity to live and enjoy every second of your life. Do you want to waste it thinking about some stupid fear that your childhood left inside you?”
“No, of course, not. But I know Will doesn’t want me to just leave with him. He wants a family, he wants kids. And I’m not sure I can be a good mother; I have never had a mom to show me how to be a mother or how to love like one. I don’t know what it means to have people taking care of you or to have those you take care of in return.”
Kate smiled, taking my hand in hers. “You do know that, Louise. You have us, and maybe we are not a perfect family, but this,” she waved her hand around, gesturing to the club, and then continued, “is your home. You have people here who love you, and trust me, Dear, even Drew loves you. He may never dare to say the words aloud, but he’s so proud of you, of your bravery, of your willpower. Besides, you have William. And I’m sure the yummy bastard loves you so much, his balls explode whenever you are near. And all of that…is the very definition of family and what it is to love unconditionally, giving and receiving care from one another. It all goes together. Seriously, Lu, stop thinking about that nonsense. Look at me, I’ve spent so many years, hoping the man I love would love me back, but he never did. And you have the man of your dreams wrapped around that little finger of yours. He is totally crazy about you, and you push him away, just because you think that you are not good enough for him – which is complete bullshit by the way, you are good enough for him, I would even go so far as to say too good for him, but that hardly matters when love is involved. So woman up, grow some lady balls, and realize that even though you may not be able to change your past, or pretend your childhood was perfect, you can take charge and make your future the best it can be. You can either be an independent, lonely, and free woman. . . or you can make your dreams come true by snatching Mr. Sexy Ass Blair, waking up next to him every morning for the rest of your life, and doing whatever the hell you want with him, instead of being by yourself until you are an old maid who realized she should have taken some awesome advice when it was given. Now, doesn’t getting the man sound like a damn good plan?”
“Especially the part about doing whatever the hell I want with him.”
“My point exactly!”
“Ugh, Kate. . . I don’t know. Really. . . I’m so confused. On one hand, I know you have a point, and that I should just say to hell with my fears and be happy; but, on the other hand, I know myself, I will never be able to accept Will’s love until I learn how to love myself and my life. . .without him. How can I learn to love him the way he deserves when I don’t even know how to love myself the way I deserve? Trust me, I want to be happy with him, more than anything else in my life. But for that, he’ll have to wait until I win the battle with the demons I still feel within myself.”
“Just don’t make him wait forever, Sweetie. He might be in love with you and ready to do anything for you, but he has other feelings as well. And he might start doubting your feelings for him. And I’m sure that losing Will won’t do any wonders for your self-esteem.”
I began to speak, but she put her hand up to stop me before I could say a single word, “Just think about it, okay? You don't need to make any life altering decisions today, but you should at least give it a little time and consideration before just tossing the idea aside.”
“I will, I promise. . . I will think about everything that you said.”
“Good. Now, I think your uncle would like to see you, and I need to go check on the girls before they turn their training into another pointless blathering. See you next week?”
“Sure. I’ll join in on your Saturday training.”
“Great.” She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and left, winking at the handsome bartender on her way out of the café. The guy’s face reddened, which was really cute and funny, considering he was working in a club, where the dancers always flirted with the men, both visitors and co-workers. I had never seen him before, he was probably a newbie, which would have explained his shyness.
My thoughts traveled back to Kate’s words. What if she was right? What if everything I was doing was wrong? What if Will wasn't willing to wait for me? There was no way for anyone to know exactly how much time I would need alone, before I would be ready to go back to him. What if I would never be ready to let my fears go? Then everything I did would prove to be pointless. It would only make Will suffer, and it would kill me to know that I failed in loving him and making him happy. He was a wonderful man, kind and caring; he was one of those rare men that didn't exist anymore. He deserved to be happy.
“Louise, my girl! It is a pleasure to have you here today.” Drew came to hug me. “I didn’t know you were going to stop by, no one told me. Then when Kate did tell me you were here, I got worried. Is everything all right? I hope your father didn’t do anything that I might want to kill him for. Did he?”
“No, but he came to see me this morning.”
My relationship with Drew could hardly be called ‘family-like’, but at least I knew I could trust him. He was on that short list of people I trusted along with Kate. He had always been nice to me, even before I knew he was my uncle.
“He did not. . . I can’t believe he had the nerve to see you. You have to tell me everything.” Drew plopped down in the seat next to mine, acting like a school girl, waiting in anticipation to hear this juicy piece of gossip; however, unlike the school girl, he wouldn’t repeat anything I told him to anyone else. He waved to the bartender for some scotch and waited for me to spill every last detail of my fatherly encounter or not so fatherly encounter, since I was sure those didn’t come with unspoken threats on their daughter’s life.
“Isn’t it a little early for scotch?” I asked, looking at my watch. It was midday, time for lunch, but definitely not for scotch.
“When it comes to information on my brother, scotch is the only thing that can make any shitty action of his look better. So, tell me, did he come to threaten you?”
“He did that very politely, I would say.”
“He will never change.”
“People rarely change, Drew. And my father is definitely not an exception to the rule. But good news – Will showed up just in time to prevent the big ‘father-daughter’ fight between us.”
“Your father saw Blair there?”
“Yes, why? He always knew about Will investigating my past. As well as he knew that it was Will who made you let me leave the club.”
“But he didn’t know that Mr. Blair continues to guard you. A few days ago, he came here and asked me about the relationship betwe
en you and Blair. But since I hardly know anything myself, I told him that you are no longer together. Which, I guess, is not quite true. . .”
“It’s not quite a lie either. Will and I. . .well, let's just say it’s complicated.”
“I see. So what did he do when William showed up?”
“Nothing. He left, without saying a word. Why?”
“He doesn’t want you and William to be together.”
“Why would he care? It’s not like I need his approval. Last time I checked, when you leave your children in an orphanage, you forfeit your rights to approve or disapprove of that child’s decisions and people they date. So what is his problem?”
“Your mother. . . Fletcher knows that Blair tried to find her. And her being found is the last thing he would ever wish to happen.”
“I don’t get it. Whoever my mother is, I’m sure she would never try to go against Montgomery. She never even tried to take me out of Paradise.”
Drew’s silence made me worry.
“Do you know something I don’t?” I asked. “Do you know who my mother is?”
He shook his head. “No, I don’t. But what if. . .she doesn’t really know you exist?”
“What do you mean? She gave birth to me; it's not like that can just be erased from her memory, right?”
“What if she was told that you didn’t make it?”
I remembered Will telling me the same thing. When trying to find out my mother’s name, he found a nurse who worked in the hospital where I was born, and she told him just exactly what Drew was trying to tell me now.
He proceeded, “I once heard Fletcher talking on the phone to someone who obviously had something to do with your ‘trip’ to Paradise. He asked about your mother as well, and as far as I could tell, she never knew you actually lived after she delivered you.”