There’s a part in the song that talks about screaming out in the dark when no one else could hear and leaving tainted footsteps from your past, which was exactly what I had been doing. My heart had been silently screaming anguish, hurt and anger and therefore I’d walked out of that tormented life, leaving a trail of memories that would continue to haunt me, regardless. The song really was the perfect way to tell Lawson that he has been my saving grace.
Making eye contact with him yet again — because he was the only one I was singing the song to — I conveyed the lyric about my heart being a broken place, but that now it was whole again. I sang it directly to him, emphasising it was exactly what he’d done. He smiled almost bashfully and looked down at his steepled hands before looking up again and giving me a slight nod of understanding. Lawson just ‘got’ me.
I addressed the rest of the room, smiling in parts and closing my eyes in others. For me, performing for a group of people was a gift, but it was also a cleansing of the mind and soul, and in that particular moment of time, it was also a form of rehabilitation, of working toward a new beginning. My life began now. I was no longer going to run from my past and pretend it had never existed, and I was no longer going to ignore the fact that eighteen months ago, I was Estelle Munroe, nurse at the Royal Women’s Hospital, wife to Tristan Munroe —
“Show us your tits, birthday girl!” a loud drunken voice sounded, snapping me out of my internal moment.
Both Todd and Lawson sprang from their chairs and tried to pinpoint who had yelled out the stupid request. Not wanting a fight, I stopped singing but continued to play the piano, opting to address the idiot’s request instead. “Not in a million years, buddy.”
The majority of the room laughed, which was when I — together with Todd and Lawson — saw Freddy remove a young kid from the premises. I nodded at the boys to sit back down, and then continued the song where I’d left off, conveying that the impossible could be overcome if you just believed. And while a good part of me sang those particular lyrics with heartfelt truth, I couldn’t dismiss the long road I had ahead of me ... but regardless of the length of that road, I was taking steady steps along it. I knew there’d be times where I’d walk and times I would stumble. And sometimes I might even run only to find myself paused. Yet, no matter the pace at which I travelled, I would never stop or go back. With Lawson as my knight, I would always move along that road.
* * *
After finishing the song, I thanked everyone for being wonderful and for sharing my birthday before stepping down from the stage and heading back to our table for a much-needed drink.
“Whoa! That felt ... I have no words,” I exclaimed, excitedly. “I’ve sung many times before, many times, and it has never been so nerve-wracking yet liberating all at once. Even that time I auditioned for The Voice.”
“You auditioned for The Voice?” Meg squealed, basically slamming her hand down on the table.
I smiled, but hid the sadness behind it. “Yeah, I did. And I made it to the live show, too.”
“What happened? Why didn’t you go on TV?”
“Because my husband slammed his car into a tree and killed himself,” I answered, blatantly and deliberately putting it out there. Meg clasped her hand over her mouth, looked from me to Lawson, then to Todd and back to me again. “I am so sorry, Stella. I didn’t mean ... I’m so sorry.” She shot up from her seat and hurried off toward the ladies room.
“Meg, wait! I didn’t mean ...” I stood up. “I didn’t mean to say it like that,” I said regretfully, finishing off my sentence. Shit!
Todd took my hand in his. “Stel, I’m so sorry.”
Looking down at our fingers clasped together, I lowered myself back into the chair. “No, don’t be sorry. I shouldn’t have blurted it out like that. Anyway, I don’t want people to be sorry for me or for him. What happened can’t be changed. I wish it could, but it can’t, so there’s no use being sad about it. Sadness is impractical. Why allow that feeling of misery? We don’t have to. We control how we feel.”
“Until you lose that control. Then everything you have dismissed comes back to hit you tenfold. Feelings are meant to be felt. All of them, Stel,” Todd said, his tone awash with wisdom. Ugh, wise arse!
Deep down I knew what he was saying was true, but I didn’t want to hear it. Not tonight. So I let go of his hand and stood back up. “I need to go see if Meg is okay. I feel terrible.”
As I went to walk away, Lawson shot out of his chair and stopped me by placing his hands on my shoulders. “Hey, you okay?”
“Yes! I’m fine. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually fine. Tonight has been wonderful and just what I needed. I don’t want to ruin that by talking about feelings of sadness I should be having.” I took a deep breath and smiled as I exhaled. “I don’t want to feel sad tonight. I want to keep this ‘wonderful’. I like it.” I draped my arms around his neck. “I also want to apologise to Meg.”
Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his and gently teased them open with the tip of my tongue. They obediently parted and allowed for the kiss to deepen, sending warm chills spiralling down my neck and back. And yes, they were warm chills, because that’s exactly what kissing Lawson did to me.
His hands slid over my hips and rested at the top of my arse, firmly pressing me closer to his body. The friction that caused heightened the pleasure swirling around internally, prompting me to rest my hand on the back of his head and tense my fingers with mild aggression. I wanted him. All of him. And not just his taste in my mouth. I wanted to feel him inside me as he brought me back to life. Holy shit! I’m ready. I’m ready to give myself to another man.
Realising the significance of my epiphany, not to mention that we were heavily petting in a pub full of people, I pulled away and gathered my bearings. “I have to go,” I whispered in a breathy voice.
“No, you don’t. She’ll be fine,” he countered, leaning in and kissing me again. Oh my god! My tongue just died and went to tongue heaven. Lawson’s hands shifted, one finding the back of my head and the other settling between my shoulder blades. He dipped me backward while kissing me passionately, completely throwing out my sense of equilibrium.
Wolf whistles and cheers erupted from the people surrounding us, making me squeal and break the kiss. I laughed and slapped his shoulder. “Bring me back up, you toad.”
“Fuck toad, that kiss just turned me into your prince.”
“Not quite, but you’re getting there,” I offered with a cheeky smile. “Now bring me back up.”
Lawson swung me upright, amplifying my already dizzy state. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, Princess.”
“You can let me go now.”
“If I have to.”
“Yeah, you do.”
He grumbled and let his hands drop to his sides. I, on the other hand, smoothed my dress down and prayed I hadn’t just revealed to the population of Pittstown what type of underwear I was partial to.
“You both quite right there?” Todd interrupted, his attempt at a perturbed expression failing miserably due to a hint of his dimple.
“Never better,” Lawson answered, taking a seat.
Shaking my head at both men, I opted to go and track down Meg and apologise for making her feel bad, and then force her to dance the night away with me.
As I entered the ladies bathroom, I noticed it was empty. That notion alone surprised me — the ladies bathroom was never empty. “Meg, you in here?” I called out, checking to see if the cubicles were locked.
One of the doors opened and to my disappointment — and distaste — Vicky stepped out, wearing a look of utter derision. “Stella, is it? We haven’t met ... well, we kinda have, haven’t we? Remember? I was the one Lawson was rubbing his erection on that time you walked into his workshop. How’s your foot, by the way?” Her face wore an ill-laced smile as she glanced down at my ankle.
I, too, glanced down at my foot, but then snapped out of my shock at her brazenness. “T
hat’s right,” I drawled, sardonically. “You’re Vicky, the one who fucked Lawson’s best friend Leigh, right? Great decision that was.” I nodded, my eyes wide, my gesture praising her with an over-the-top smile. “So how’s that working out for you?”
Sheer disbelief fleetingly flashed in her eyes before it was replaced with what appeared to be boiling animosity. I didn’t care though; nasty skanks like Vicky never ceased to amaze me. I was not one to willingly become a victim of such people.
She glared before walking to the basin, turning on the tap and proceeding to wash her hands while finding my watchful eyes in the reflection of the mirror. “You’re a revenge fuck, Stella, nothing more, nothing less. I suggest you don’t grow too attached.”
“Thank you for your concern,” I answered, walking behind her to find an unlocked cubicle. “But if you know Lawson as well as you think you do, you would know he’s not the vengeful type.”
Vicky turned the tap off and snatched a piece of paper towel, drying her hands with a newfound sense of purpose. “Don’t fuck with me, bitch. I don’t play nice,” she snapped, tossing the scrunched up towel in the bin before storming out of the room. I let out a breath as the door to the bathroom slammed shut and shook my head at how ridiculous she was, when the cubicle door next to me slowly opened. A mop of wavy blonde hair appeared, and when the owner of said mop turned in my direction, I came face to face with Meg and her holy fuck expression!
“Bloody hell! Are you all right?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I came in here to ask the same question of you.”
“Don’t worry about me. Oh my god, she was lethal,” Meg exclaimed, glancing at the door as if at any second Vicky would return.
“Nah, she’s only lethal to herself. Honestly, people like her don’t faze me. She’s a bully, and I refuse to be bullied by her or anyone else for that matter,” I explained, closing the door and taking a seat on the loo.
The sound of water running down the drain indicated Meg was washing her hands. “Stella, I’m really sorry about your husband,” she voiced loudly, so that I could hear her over the water’s slushing noise.
Sighing, I finished my business and began to adjust my dress. “Like I said to Todd and Lawson, thank you, but I’m not after sympathy.” Opening the door, I stepped up to the basin, continuing the explanation I’d already given twice before yet knew I had to again. Accepting that people would want to offer their condolences once becoming aware of my loss was, in hindsight, inevitable. “I don’t want you or anyone else feeling sorry. It is what it is. Nobody can change what happened, so there’s no point feeling sad about it. I want to move on and that’s why I’m here. I don’t want to dwell on my husband’s death any more.”
Meg nodded and gave me a sympathetic, but understanding, rub on my back. “Okay, enough said. How ‘bout we crank the jukebox up and dance the night away instead, huh?”
Finishing the drying of my hands, I turned toward her and smiled happily. “Sounds perfect.”
E I G H T E E N
Guards eventually come down
Stella and Meg strolled out of the ladies room, arm in arm, looking pleased as punch with themselves. What was it about the loo that made women happy? They always want to go in pairs or in a group, and when they come out they were giggly and acting mysterious, as if they’d just been treated to a male strip performance or something. It always confused the fuck out of me.
Stopping next to my chair, Stella draped her arm over my shoulder. I bloody loved it. I loved the new, confident and out-of-her-shell princess — it suited her.
“I got you a new beer. Didn’t know what else you wanted to drink,” I said, offering it to her.
She leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Surprise me next time. Sometimes I like surprises.” Stella then straightened and motioned for Meg to follow her to the dance floor. Before she could walk off, I grabbed her and dragged her onto my lap, securing and dipping her for a kiss. She fought my restraint at first, but then relaxed and let me have my way. I sure as shit could get used to sliding my tongue inside her mouth ... among other places.
“I’m fairly sure the two of you have already established you both have tongues,” Todd grumbled like a protective fuck.
I ignored him and deepened the kiss, slowing my actions and very subtly massaging her head with my fingertips. Her resolve melted and her body relaxed. Then, gradually, Stella’s lips separated from mine when she pulled away. I looked down and found that her eyes were closed and the expression she wore nothing but satisfied bliss. It sent the biggest fucking thrill right through me. “Want to go home?” I suggested, making it clear with the tone of my voice that I wanted nothing more.
Before she could answer — with what I hoped would be ‘fuck, yeah’ — Shaz approached the table and squawked right next to my ear, interrupting my plans to whisk Stella away. “Finished with your plate?”
“It’s empty, Shaz, so yeah I’m finished,” I groaned, reluctantly helping Stella upright.
“Stop whining, lover boy. The night is still young. You’ve got plenty of time to ply Stella with alcohol, then have your naughty little way with her.”
“Shaz!” Stella exclaimed, giving her a small nudge of the shoulder.
She screwed up her chin. “What? That’s one good night right there.”
“The bar is lookin’ busy,” Todd pointed out, insinuating she nick off.
Shaz flippantly flicked her hand at him. “Yeah, yeah, Toddy, don’t get your knickers in a knot.”
He raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head. “I don’t know how it is that you still work for me.”
“Because you love me, that’s why. And because I’m the best darn employee you got. Sorry, Stella, no offence.” Shaz winked, collected the empty plates, and walked back to the kitchen.
“She’s right, you know.” Stella laughed. “She’s the best employee you’ve got.”
“Yeah, don’t I know it? Pity she doesn’t come with a plug,” Todd added. Both he and I cracking up laughing.
Meg hit him on the arm while suppressing her giggle. “Todd!”
Just as Stella was presumably about to tell me off as well, her phone rang, the ringtone belonging to her friend from Melbourne. I raised an eyebrow at her as if to suggest she answer it — she’d said she was going to sooner or later.
Stella glanced at the screen and hovered her finger over accept before shaking her head and pressing the reject button. When she glanced up again, Meg, Todd and I looked away, as if we’d been busted staring.
“What?” she asked defensively. “This night is about all of us ... here ... now. I’ll speak to Julia when I’m ready.”
Todd raised his hands in surrender.
Meg asked him — no louder than a whisper — who Julia was.
And I slid my hand onto Stella’s leg, giving it a reassuring squeeze to let her know I respected her decision.
* * *
For the remainder of the night, Stella and Meg dominated the dance floor, selecting song after song on the jukebox. It was clear they both liked hits from the 80s and 90s, Madonna, Michael Jackson and the soundtrack from Grease being their favourites.
Watching Stella dance as she let her hair down and had fun was fucking awesome. Her smile alone had the ability to command of me whatever it was she saw fit. But that laugh, that goddamn laugh, it was my undoing. And if I was going to be completely honest with myself, there was not the shadow of a doubt that I was falling for her. Hard. Just being around her, watching her and communicating with her put me over the moon. When I was at work I thought about her, craved her ... willed the hours to tick away, so that I could once again be in her presence. The feeling was good. But it also worried the hell out of me. She could leave at any second ... run. And what would happen then? I didn’t want to think about it.
Shaking the horrid thought out of my head, I continued to watch her from my seated position on a barstool not far from the edge of the dance floor. ‘Helping Hand’ by The Screaming Je
ts came on, prompting Meg to jump up and down, squealing and begging for Todd to join her and Stella. I knew the cocky bugger would; he could dance ... unlike me.
“Slave,” I teased as he got up from the stool beside me and answered my sister’s beckoning call.
He laughed and countered with, “Your time will come,” before heading to the dance floor and groping my sister like a pervert.
Sitting there watching them — mainly Stella — and drinking my beer, my quiet and happy observing was cut short when Vicky took the seat Todd had abandoned.
“You two an item?” she asked, her eyes on Stella.
I looked toward the dance floor where Todd was spinning Princess around like she was a ballerina. She looked so carefree and happy.
“Yeah,” I said proudly. “We are.”
Vicky sighed. “You like to do things the hard way, don’t you? It’s okay, I get it.”
I’m not in the mood for this shit.Refusing to look at her, I kept my focus on my girl. “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout, Vicky. Spit it out or go away.”
“I think you know exactly what I’m talking about,” she said with a mild laugh.
Nodding — because she was insane and no matter what I said, she would disregard it — I dismissed her game-playing. “Whatever you say.”
“You always were stubborn, and you never knew what was good for you. It appears you still don’t.”
I turned to face her and waited till her eyes met mine. “You’re right. I didn’t know what was good for me, because it sure as shit wasn’t you.”
Vicky’s eyelids narrowed before she turned to face forward again, placing the straw of her drink in her mouth. After a long sip, she swallowed, then swirled the contents of the glass around. “When you’re done trying to get back at me with Miss Prim and Proper, I’ll be waiting. Why? Because it’s always been me and you ... Vicky and Lawson. That won’t change.”
Before I could set her deranged mind straight, Stella came dancing up to where I was sitting, a look in her eyes that spoke of mischief and ownership — ownership of me. She didn’t acknowledge Vicky, just kept her stare fixed on mine as she swayed her hips and shoulders. Then, taking my hand in hers, she seductively lured me to my feet and turned toward the dance floor, wrapping my arms around her waist as she led the way. It was hot as fuck!
Discovering Stella Page 18