The Resolution for Women

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by Priscilla Shirer


  I’ve never seen a car whose engine started just because the driver was sitting behind the wheel, demanding that it move forward. Certain things need to happen before she can get the car to go—key in the ignition, maneuvered into the right gear, gently pressing on the accelerator. Men aren’t “turned on” by a demanding, screaming wife who doesn’t recognize their value and significance but by wives who know the strategic steps for getting them started. Control and intimacy are on opposing, collision courses that will inevitably banish passion to the long-term parking lot, eventually rusting out, in need of major repair. Backing off your husband helps him feel more confident, more fulfilled. And the result is a guy who loves being around you, enjoys long talks with you, and remembers how to romance you.

  Two fears. Fear of inadequacy and fear of being controlled. You can do something about them both. In fact, your husband will never get over them without you.

  But with you . . . who knows?

  You are the “suitable” helper (Genesis 2:18 NASB) the Lord has given him to assist him in realizing that with God’s help he can be proficient, honorable, trustworthy, and fully capable of becoming the man God intends him to be despite His fears.

  My friend Raina is beautiful, outgoing, energetic, and full of life. She’s involved in ministry, has a great home, fun kids, and—best of all—a happy husband. Sure, they’ve had their struggles through the years. Financial. Health related. He hasn’t always made good decisions; neither has she. But take one look at them, and you can tell—she’s got a contented man.

  After twenty-three years of marriage, they still hold hands. They go out on dates. He opens the car door for her. They laugh with each other and enjoy their inside jokes. I’ve seen him glance over at her through a crowd and give her a little wink. I’ve watched them leave early from a gathering or get-together so they can go home and have what they call some “real fun” alone. They’ve got the kind of marriage anyone would want.

  When Jerry and I were out with the two of them recently, I asked Raina’s husband what the key was, why he was still so happy and so obviously in love. He said it hadn’t always been this way and that they still had plenty of personal struggles to contend with. But really, his explanation was simple: “She lets me be her man. When I see her relax because she’s confident in my ability, or when she surrenders a particular situation to my control, showing me that she thinks I’m trustworthy, it makes me feel secure in my manhood. In this relationship, I get to be a man.”

  And there’s nothing happier (or more attractive) than a man who actually feels like one.

  So, sister, it’s your husband’s turn. To feel like a man.

  Start with the next twenty-four hours. Just one day. Refuse to allow yourself to correct him, to offer any unsolicited advice, or to criticize his choices. Go to the restaurant he wants; let the kids wear the clothes he picked out for them to put on; use the driving directions he got online. I know it might take every ounce of emotional restraint available in your measuring spoons, but just keep looking out the passenger-side window and pray for God to keep pouring in some more. And He will. He’ll give you what it takes to be the kind of wife that wins her man. You may not like the food, may not like how your children look, may have to circle the block ten times looking for the right address. But you will have won a great victory. Your husband won’t feel belittled or drained dry by your comments, suggestions, and commands. He won’t feel estranged and distant from you. You’ll be on the path to winning him back by making him feel honored and respected.

  And that feels good.

  That’s a smart girl he married.

  • What does your husband do or say that shows signs of these two fears in his life? After recording your answers, consider what you do to contribute to them, as well as what you could do to defuse them.

  • How does soothing a husband’s fears ultimately benefit the wife?

  • “A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1 NLT). What are some practical ways you can begin to “build your house”?

  • If your friends were to describe your husband, based solely on your comments and conversations about him, what would their depiction be?

  Need a Little Peace and Quiet?

  Thank you for sticking with me this long. I know this book is not a beach novel. And I also know, even though we’ve marched bravely through some courageous subjects together, that this calling of being a wife is perhaps the tallest order of all, no matter how lovely, thoughtful, protective, and intentional your husband is.

  We need help in this role. We need direction.

  And like always, God’s Word is the best place to get it.

  Admittedly, when we open the Bible looking for specific ways to handle personal situations in our marriage, we may not always find the answers spelled out with step-by-step clarity. That’s a job for the Holy Spirit, communicating to us through an ongoing dialogue of Scripture and the wise help of godly people He’s equipped to walk with us through these types of difficulties.

  But the Word does contain big-picture truths that are always instructive—direction that applies to all of us, in every case. Peter’s first letter is one place where we get a huge hint at what loving and honoring our husbands is supposed to look like:

  Wives . . . be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands. (1 Peter 3:1–5 NIV)

  You know, it’s easy to skip over Scripture passages when they appear excerpted in a book like this, so be sure not to let that happen. Read back over these choice words of God slowly and deliberately. Go ahead, I’ll wait . . .

  Now I have to be honest with you. These verses have upset me once or twice in my life. Reading this description conjures up pictures of a woman from Little House on the Prairie days, with her never-before-cut hair coiled up in a bun on top of her head, her ankle-length skirt hoisted over a thick, rustly petticoat. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just not me. And I thought it unfair of God to expect me to fill that role. But “gentle and quiet”? I’m a gregarious, boisterous extrovert. Can my husband’s heart only be won by a personality type God didn’t see fit to suit me with?

  And yet this is God’s Word we’re dealing with. So obviously He is trying to tell me something important, something I need to understand. And if you—like me—are a believer in Christ, with God’s Spirit dwelling within you, then He can be trusted to empower us to do this, enabling us to accomplish something we cannot do with our on-hand, natural resources.

  Like being “gentle and quiet”—key ingredients to a happy marriage.

  Gentle. In the Greek language of the Bible, this is the word praus, meaning not to be overly impressed with oneself, to be humble, considerate, and meek. Simply put, we’re being asked to be kind to our husbands—the same way we want them to be kind to us.

  Can you resolve to do that? Can you stop and think before you blurt out another criticism, whether you’re communicating kindness to him? If not, would you be so kind as to keep your inconsiderate opinion to yourself and ask God to give you nicer things to say?

  Don’t just think of it as biting your tongue, however. What are some ways you could proactively express kindness toward your spouse? Is there something you could do for him that would show your desire to think of his needs above your own? He may not ask for it. He may not expect it. He may not even deserve it in your opinion. But what a difference it could make.

  Perhaps you already make a habit of doing these types of things.
Good. You should be applauded for that. But let me ask you a question I often ask myself: Do some of these ways you try to show him kindness mean more to you than they do to him? Maybe you could make a point of watching him over the next week to find out what he really likes—little things you may have overlooked—and determine how you could make little changes that would speak kindness to him in those areas. If you made it your business to study him and really know him well, would you find some better ways—ways that matter to him—to express your kindness? This kind of intentionality would show you’re serious about being “gentle.”

  Let me just say, this concept has convicted me lately. For example, I don’t drink coffee, so I never really put much thought into how to fix a cup for my husband “just the way he likes it.” But taking time to learn Jerry’s coffee preferences has meant a lot to him. It shows him that I care, that I’m thinking about him. Simple, yet powerful. It makes him feel prioritized and significant to me, and the ripple effect of that feeling ultimately benefits me and our marriage.

  Another example comes from knowing that your husband feels affirmed when you are enthusiastically intimate with him. In her book For Women Only, researcher Shaunti Feldhahn reports that 97 percent of men say they want to feel desired and sought out by their wives, not simply tolerated when they want to have sex.4 Most likely your husband is one of these men. A wife that is proactive—initiating intimacy in the bedroom—causes her husband to feel loved, respected, admired, and treasured.

  So carefully consider your man. How can you proactively communicate kindness to him?

  Quiet. Again, of course, it comes from a Greek word—hesychois. And much to my delight, it doesn’t mean to be silent, never uttering a word or offering an opinion. It means to be well ordered, to lead a peaceable and discreet life, thus lightening the task of the one in authority. That last part is what really hits home—lightening the load of your husband.

  If we will funnel our wifely behavior and responses through this biblical filter, we will intentionally become more careful and circumspect. We’ll try hard to see things from our husband’s perspective without just running roughshod over him with our own stances, viewpoints, and interpretations. We’ll keep the larger, longer-term goals of our marriage in mind instead of getting bogged down in little ankle-biting skirmishes over nothing. Rather than fighting to keep ourselves from being overlooked or taken advantage of, we’ll focus on what would help him complete his tasks for our family with more wisdom, vision, and clear thinking. We’ll attempt to make things easier instead of harder for him, tempering our words and actions with peace and discreetness, causing him to feel more confident because he knows we’re not here to tear him down but to build him up.

  Single sister, this is how you must approach marriage—asking yourself how you can be a “load lifter” and a “burden lightener” instead of a needy woman looking to be served, coddled, and made content by her man.

  That’s some pretty tough talk, and you might give yourself a pass to skip over it if you thought I’d made all of this up. But I didn’t. It’s the ageless, venerated truth from God’s own word.

  And it’s worth it. Because in the end these two powerful words—“gentle” and “quiet”—go together to spell something that keeps us looking attractive to our men long after our outward appearance has lost much of its sheen and sparkle. Peter calls it “unfading beauty,” as opposed to “outward adornment.” It’s something your husband will still be intrigued by and interested in for years to come.

  My mom used to tell me about this—this feminine mystery—before I really had a true appreciation for it. I couldn’t quite understand how a woman could maintain any type of mystique to a man she’d been living with for so long, sharing the ins and outs of daily life. But she knew something I’m only beginning to learn. What’s really alluring to a husband of ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years is the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” That’s the deep treasure that keeps the intrigue burning and passionate. The reality is, we need a whole lot more than physical radiance to stay beautiful over the years.

  According to Peter, this type of lifestyle has enough power to transform a husband’s eternal destiny, to win him over to Christ without our having to say a word, just by noticing the way we operate. If these behaviors of ours have the capability of doing that, then surely they’re strong enough to deal with the day-to-day issues that can cause our marriages such grief.

  There’s real power in gentleness and quietness.

  So despite my original belief, this is not some antiquated suggestion only fit for those who haven’t yet advanced into modern society. It’s for everybody—even for stylish, contemporary, high-heel wearing, technology using, capable, Spirit-filled women who want their husbands fulfilled by the honor we give them.

  It’s for you. It’s for me.

  And done well, it’s an honor.

  • Begin this resolution by asking your husband what honor looks like to him. What causes him to be dishonored? You may be surprised by his answer. Creatively consider one thing you can do to be proactively kind. (If you’re single, determine to meet with a married couple whose relationship you admire, and ask them what this looks like in their marriage. It’s a wise single woman who takes the opportunity to learn these things now.) So with a prayerful, honest, hopeful heart, sign this resolution into practice. Prepare to live it for the good of your marriage and the glory of Christ.

  FULFILLING MY HUSBAND

  I will be faithful to my husband and honor him in my conduct and conversation in order to bring glory to the name of the Lord. I will aspire to be a suitable partner for him to help him reach his God-given potential.

  __________

  LOVING MY CHILDREN

  A resolution to train my kids in righteousness

  True Love

  The thought of having children typically conjures up fantasies of cute little clothes, play dates, and quiet, cooing moments in the dim light of their bedrooms. So it can be a harsh reality for mothers—whether married or single—to realize that their main priority as parents is not to share laughs and Oreos with their kids but to shepherd them. Her number-one job is to lead her children with intentionality, guiding them toward becoming men and women of distinction, filled with integrity, girded with responsibility, and firmly rooted in a love for and honor of God.

  I can certainly attest to being caught off guard by this reality. Becoming a mom was a thunderous shock to my normally independent, spontaneous nature. With the birth of our first son, I found myself hardly prepared for the discipline of being organized and keeping a schedule—necessary endeavors for any mom who hopes to retain some sense of sanity. Suddenly my life was no longer my own. My needs didn’t come first anymore. Someone else’s interests now pulled the primary spot.

  And that was just with one child.

  When I had my second son nineteen months later, followed by our (surprise!) third son four years after that, I became more and more aware of the incredible mixture of responsibility and privilege involved in raising these boys. In the midst of long, tiring days and frequently even longer nights, seeing my efforts through the lens of eternal ramifications began to change my perspective. These little men, after all, are my chief way for reproducing God’s image on earth, proliferating the agenda of the Father Himself through little human beings who will hopefully become leaders of their own homes one day.

  So while there’s nothing wrong (and everything right) with playing on the floor and making homemade waffles and snapping pictures of their first haircuts, we must remember that our principal charge and mission as parents is to send our boys and girls into the world as young people who bear God’s Spirit, who are purposeful about His mission for their lives, and who are intent on being His agent for change on the planet. They are like “arrows . . . in the hand of a mighty man” (Psalm 127:4 KJV)—sharpened, directed, and sent forth into the world to accomplish the tasks for which they were divinely created. This is your
resolution as the mother. And it won’t just happen on its own.

  But other things will.

  Since our children’s normal proclivity leans in the direction of their fleshly tendencies, it doesn’t take much for them to learn selfishness, to indulge in rebellion, and to get sucked into the vacuum of disrespect and disregard for others. Left to their own devices, they will inevitably succumb to the subtle (and not so subtle) thrusts of the latest TV shows and cultural trends. But get this. Are you ready?

  Get. This.

  You and I are the mechanisms God has put in place to keep today’s corrupting systems of thought from taking root and then taking effect in the hearts of our children. You are in position to intervene. You, sister, have been placed specifically in your children’s lives to make them rebel against a culture that’s telling them to rebel against you.

  And no matter how challenging you may find or have found this endeavor to be—no matter how discouraged this resolution may cause you to feel or how many years you think you’ve already wasted—now is a good time to start with your toddlers or teenagers, becoming in their lives what God has placed you in this position to be. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it—not only for the benefit of the kids you love so much but because you’ll be fulfilling one of the purposes for which you were created: to be the mother of these children, these precious ones God has always known He’d be giving you. It is among your highest, most primary callings.

  And even if you’re reading this before becoming a mother—even if God may choose in His wise, good, and sovereign plan to bestow you with other blessings besides the experience of motherhood—there are still some valuable things to learn as a friend, a counselor, and a key influencer in the lives of other children.

 

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