“She’s not there,” Ruby said, coming back to the kitchen. “Maybe she’s walking the perimeter.”
“I’ve been in the kitchen since you guys left,” Valerie said, shaking her head. “She would have had to fly.”
“Where are the dogs?” Noah asked. “They’re usually wherever she is.”
“I haven’t seen anybody but Willow this morning.”
Noah looked pale. “Let’s go look around.”
He headed for the meadery and the lavender fields, while Ruby checked the shop and the vegetable garden, and it was only as she was wandering the back way up the hill that she spied Lavender, still dressed in her silvery dress from last night, leaning against the willow tree, looking toward the valley. The dogs were in a half circle to her left side, some sleeping. One leaned on her leg.
Ruby said, “Oh, thank goodness. We were so—”
And then she realized that Lavender was unmoving, too still to be sleeping. She knelt beside the old woman and touched her cheek. It was cold. “Oh, Lavender, I’ll miss you.”
But it was a good death. The best.
She went to find Noah, so they could decide what to do.
Chapter 40
Ginny was afraid she would be nervous, flying, but she fell asleep within five minutes of takeoff on the first plane and slept until they touched down in Dallas. But changing planes freaked her out, especially when she discovered that the airport was gigantic and filled with so many people. She’d never been anywhere with such crowds in her life, and there were so many different kinds of people, in so many different kinds of clothes, speaking more languages than she could begin to name.
Sitting at her gate, eating a pretzel, she watched them stream by and wondered where she would go if her next plane was her choice. Would she fly to Madrid? Hong Kong? New York City?
On the second plane, she tried to sleep, but despite the lowered lights and the sleepiness of the passengers around her, she couldn’t slip away from the depression that crept closer and closer with every mile they flew east. It had taken her nearly a week to drive to Oregon, and all of it was gone in a day. Erased.
As they taxied to the gate in Wichita, Ginny listened to her voice messages, three of them. The first was from Christie, who wanted to know if she was there yet. The second was from Ruby, who said, “Hi, Ginny. I have some news. Please call me when you have a chance. It’s important.”
The third was from Jack. “I reckon I shouldn’t call you, but I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been thinking about last night all day. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I hope the feeling is mutual. I’m turning in for the night, but call tomorrow if you want. I’d love to hear your voice.”
She played it three times, her face turned toward the window so that she could hide the tears. She couldn’t stop crying! It was as if she was crying three tears for every one she’d never shed over the years, as if something in her was melting.
The regional airport was small. It smelled like Kansas the minute she stepped off the plane—humid air and sweat and the promise of a thunderstorm later on and the dusty fragrance of wheat growing.
Her mother was waiting under the fluorescents, and at the sight of her, Ginny wanted to turn around and run away. Her mother’s face was hard, her too-long graying hair pulled back into a ponytail. “Hey, Mom,” she said. “Thanks for picking me up.”
Ula gave her a surprisingly heartfelt hug. “I’m so glad you’re here, sweetie. I’ve been worrying about you every day.”
“I’ve been fine. I’ve had a great time, honestly.” She shifted her backpack a little and walked with her mother toward the doors. “How’s Matthew?”
“Not good, Ginny. Really upset about everything.”
“I don’t mean about the divorce.”
“Well, why do you think he wrecked his car?”
Ginny took a breath. “I don’t know. Maybe it was an accident.”
“It was because he was distraught! He loves you! He’s always been a wonderful provider and a good, kind man to you. You’re outta your mind if you leave him.”
“Stop,” Ginny said, and halted right in the middle of the hallway. “I’m here to see if I can be of use, and I’m trying to be a decent person, but I don’t want you all over me.”
Ula shrugged. “Fine.”
They drove to the hospital in silence. Wind blew in through the open windows of the car, bringing the smell of cow dung and pond water. Ginny tried not to think of the high thin air in Colorado or the soft purple glory of the Columbia River Valley. Tears rose in her eyes again, and she blinked them away.
Over.
The adventure was over. She was back home, back in Kansas, and somehow, she didn’t know how, they would trap her here.
“You go on in, honey,” Ula said in the corridor outside Matthew’s room.
Ginny hesitated. The television was turned on, and the light fell in a blue wash over the body in the bed. For a moment she felt as if she couldn’t breathe, that if she walked through the doorway, she’d be squashed flat.
But she made herself step into the room. “Hi, Matthew,” she said quietly. “How are you doing?”
His neck was in a brace, and his face was battered. One arm was in a purple cast, but his legs were beneath the covers, only his feet sticking out, and they were encased in some contraption. “Ginny?” he croaked. “That you?” The words were slurred through fat lips.
“Yeah, it’s me.” She stepped up to the side of the bed and took his free hand.
“Baby, thank you for coming back. I was such a fool. Such a fool.” Tears streamed out of the corners of his eyes, a wrenching sight, and it nearly made her cry again, too. “I have a concussion, did they tell you?”
Ginny’s throat tightened. She wanted to say, I’m not back, not like you think, but it seemed unnecessarily unkind. In a day or two she could tell him the truth. “Yeah. Broken arm, too, huh?”
“Yeah.” He gripped her hand. “Now that you’re back, though, things will work out okay, won’t they? We’ll just talk things out. We’ve been married a long time. We gotta keep trying.”
The room was too warm, too humid. She felt herself shrinking, fading, growing thinner, and it made her dizzy.
But she found she did not have enough cruelty in her to dash his hopes while he lay broken in a bed, hungry for love and reassurance. The mother in her put a hand on his head. “Sleep. We don’t have to talk about anything right now.”
Her mother drove her home to Dead Gulch, a twenty-minute drive, and it was only as Ula pulled in to the driveway that Ginny realized she was stranded. Her Jeep was back at the farm, and Matthew had totaled his car. “Can somebody lend me a car?”
“I’ll come get you in the morning, hon,” her mom said. “Eight o’clock too early?”
“No. But you don’t have to drive me around. I’ll rent a car if nobody has one to lend me. I’d rather do that, honestly.”
“Don’t be silly. No point in spending all that money when you’ve got family to do things for you.”
Exhausted, Ginny didn’t argue. “All right, I’ll see you in the morning, then.”
“We can get you to the grocery store, too, at some point. You know men—they never shop. He’s probably been living on pizza and Chinese since you left.”
“I don’t need to go to the store,” she said, getting out, and before her mother could insist, she slammed the door, waving as she strode to the garage and punched in the lock code on the door. It clicked into motion, and Ginny ducked under, not waiting for it to rise all the way.
The house smelled of old food and a stagnant drain, and when Ginny flipped on the lights, she saw that Matthew had probably not done the dishes since she’d left nine days ago. They were piled in the sink and stacked without care along the counter. Her mother was right: She spied pizza boxes, some with dried-up pizza still inside, and the white boxes from the local Chinese. He’d at least rinsed those but hadn’t thrown them away.
Woodenly, she dropped her backpack
on the floor and fetched a black trash bag from the cupboard. It took six minutes to throw away the boxes and load up the dishwasher and even wipe down the counter, another thirty seconds to take the trash out to the container beside the house. Maybe a full seven minutes, but Matthew had preferred to live with the mess. Feeling sorry for himself.
When she finished that, she scrambled a pair of eggs—thinking with longing of the fresh, fresh eggs at the farm—with a slice of American cheese, washed up, and headed for bed, trying to stave off the monster of depression stalking her. She was exhausted from so little sleep the night before. She missed her dog and her friendly little Airstream. She missed Ruby and Lavender and Valerie and even sulky Hannah.
She didn’t bother to go to their bedroom. The bed would not be made, and their bathroom would be a mess of discarded clothes and towels. Instead, she went to the guest room, stripped off her clothes, and crawled under the covers in the overly air-conditioned, deadly silent house. As she drifted off, she remembered that Ruby had called, but by then she was too far into her sleep to make the call. She would do it in the morning.
The Flavor of a Blue Moon
a blog about great food…
Lavender’s Birthday
Here are some photos from the big Blue Moon Festival at Lavender Honey Farms. This is the Foodie Four, plus Valerie’s daughter Hannah, in the red dress. That’s me in the blue, and, yes, friends, you would be right if you guessed I am pregnant. Woo-hoo! How’s that for a beautiful surprise? The baby is due in October.
The beverage of choice was Bellinis, which is an Italian favorite made with prosecco and peaches. Because of my condition, I did not drink the alcoholic kind, of course, and the drink I came up with was delightfully refreshing and festive. You might want to try it.
THE TRADITIONAL BELLINI
2 cups prosecco
2 cups pureed white peaches
Few drops of grenadine
Blend and serve in champagne glasses.
RUBY’S NONALCOHOLIC BELLINI
2 cups sharp nonalcoholic cold-pressed apple cider
2 cups fresh peaches
1 liter Pellegrino or other Italian sparkling water
Blend and serve cold.
Chapter 41
Noah had carried Lavender into the house and laid her gently on the couch, then called the right people. Lavender—ever sensible—had given him all the information ages ago. He had the numbers of the funeral home she preferred, her lawyer, the relatives who would need to be notified. Ruby was cleaning the kitchen when she spied Hannah sliding in through the back door and into the living room.
Ruby turned silently, alert for signs of breakdown or overwhelming grief or hysteria.
But today Hannah wore her curly hair loose on her shoulders, and she was dressed in a pair of ordinary jeans and a T-shirt. She simply stood beside Lavender, head cocked, for long moments, then she looked over her shoulder. “Is it okay to touch her?”
Ruby nodded, wiping her hands on a dish towel. She eased closer, pretending to gather things into piles on the table. There, but not.
Hannah knelt and put her hand on Lavender’s face, just as Ruby had done, stroking the lined cheek. She picked up her hand. “Why isn’t she stiff? I thought people got stiff?”
“It probably hasn’t been very long.”
“She’s cold, though.” Hannah peered at something on Lavender’s neck. “And all the blood has drained away from her face.”
Ruby blinked back tears, wishing Lavender could be here, listening to Hannah’s clinical assessment. Lavender would find it amusing, no doubt. “What are you looking for, Hannah?” she asked gently.
Hannah frowned, perplexed. “I don’t know. It’s just—where does the life part go? I don’t get that. Something is living and breathing and then it stops. What is the part that is alive?” She turned to look at Ruby, and tears were streaming down her face. She didn’t even seem to notice. “All those kids you knew who died—did you ever think of that?”
Ruby nodded, unable to speak. “I don’t know.”
Hannah took Lavender’s hand. “My sisters disappeared. Like, there was nothing left of them. The plane went straight down into the ground, and they just disintegrated.” She wiped tears off her cheeks impatiently. “I hate thinking of that. How scared they must have been when it was going down. I don’t know why I wasn’t there. I don’t know what keeps me alive. I just don’t know.”
Ruby grabbed the girl and brought her close as Hannah dissolved into sobs, her shoulders shaking violently. She clung to Ruby so fiercely that Ruby almost could not catch her breath. Her shoulder grew soaked, and Hannah poured out a thousand days of tears she’d held back. “I miss them so much,” she wailed.
“I know,” Ruby whispered, smoothing the girl’s hair over and over and over. She thought of her mother, who had wandered away and never come back. “I know.”
An ambulance came and took Lavender’s body away, and they spent the day cleaning up from the party, getting things in order, getting ready for a wake. Noah said he’d leave the platform and lights up, and they would have a raucous second party, and Ruby agreed that was just right.
By evening, Ruby sat in the kitchen with Valerie and Hannah, drinking leftover Bellinis and eating cake.
“She wouldn’t want us to be sad,” Ruby said. “But I am, anyway.”
“Me, too,” Valerie said. She covered her daughter’s hand. “How are you, honey?”
Hannah’s face showed the ravages of her earlier crying jag. “I’m cool. Just tired.” She stood up and put her plate in the sink. “I’m gonna go read.” She squatted to rub Willow’s head. “Can she come with me? Sleep in my bed tonight?”
“I’m sure she’d like that. I have my kitten.”
“Thanks.” Hannah whistled like a pro. “Come on, Willow.”
Dog and girl headed out. Ruby poked at the cake on her plate. “I wish Ginny would call back. I hate it that she doesn’t know.”
“I hate it that she had to go back there to those people. They really, really do not appreciate her.”
“Are you worried that she’ll stay?” The possibility had not crossed Ruby’s mind. “She’s changed so much!”
“I know. But getting out of there took a lot of grit. Doing it a second time might be hard.”
“We have her dog. And her Airstream. She’ll be back.”
“I hope so.”
Hannah came back in, Willow trailing. “Um, Ruby? This guy is outside and wants to talk to you.”
“Guy?” She frowned. “I’m coming.”
“It’s me, Ruby,” Liam said, coming into the kitchen. “Can we talk now?”
“I thought you went home to New York.”
He stood just inside the door, looking wildly uncomfortable. “I thought we should talk. I came all this way—it seems important.” His hair was combed over his forehead in a deep side part, and he’d donned hipster black-framed glasses. His jeans were low on his hips.
She didn’t see the Liam she knew anywhere in this outfit, but she took pity on him. “Come inside and sit down.” She gestured toward the living room. He took the couch and she took the chair. Lavender’s rocking chair, Ruby thought, rubbing the arms with her palms. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Well.” He laced his fingers together. “The baby, I guess. Like, how do you want to do things? Split up custody or whatever. Do you want to come live in New York again?”
“No, I don’t. I’m going to live here.” If she could, anyway. If not, she’d figure out the next step. “You’ll have to come here. I’ll be nursing for the first year or better, and pumping breast milk all that time would be unhealthy for both the baby and me.”
“I’m not leaving New York. My work is there. My life is there.”
“Your wife is there, too. Or wife-to-be.”
“Yeah. She’s freaking out. She’s sure we’re getting back together. You make her feel really insecure.”
Ruby narrowed her eyes. “Mayb
e she shouldn’t cheat with somebody else’s boyfriend. Kinda leads to expecting he’ll do the same thing again.” As she said it, she realized that she felt the truth of it, deep in her belly. He would do this again—fall instantly, madly in love with another woman. “No offense, but she’s not my problem.”
“I know, you’re right.” He took off his glasses, rubbed his face. “I feel conflicted over this. It seems a gift, but I am not sure what the meaning of it is, showing up so late, after we broke up.”
Ruby rolled her eyes. “There is no meaning, Liam. Honestly, that’s an exhausting way to live. Sometimes things just are. There’s no message from the great beyond or God or whoever. Life evolves.”
“Why did you tell me about the baby?”
She took a breath. “Because it was the right thing to do. Because Lavender told me I should.” She rubbed a palm on her thigh. “Probably because I was hoping it would wake you up to what we had, too, but now I’m seeing how little I want that back.”
“You’re just mad at me, Ruby.” He leaned forward earnestly. “Maybe we should give it a try. Maybe we should get back together, for the sake of the baby if nothing else.”
Two months ago—heck, one week ago—Ruby would have burst into tears, thrown herself at him, let him hug her and assure her that all would be well, even if she knew in her heart that it would not. “No,” she said now. “I don’t want that.”
“Is there someone else?”
Noah’s face fluttered over her imagination, but he wasn’t the reason things had changed. “Yes,” she said. “There is a baby who deserves to have a fully present mother and a fully present father, and you’re never going to be that guy. She’s my priority.”
His jaw hardened. “You want to play hardball, then?”
“No, I don’t. I want us to play fair, with each other and with our child. That means my needs matter as much as yours.”
“I want to be part of her life.”
The All You Can Dream Buffet Page 28