by Joan Jonker
‘Yer didn’t buy me a Christmas present!’
‘I know I never, girl.’ Nellie hands were spread out and her face looked the picture of innocence. ‘As I said, I didn’t know what to buy yer.’
‘Okay, sunshine, I’ll let yer off this time. But next Christmas, perhaps it would be a good idea to ask me what I’d like, save making excuses.’
Nellie’s face was all sweetness and light. ‘I’ll remember to do that, girl. But can I have me cup of tea now, ’cos me throat is parched.’ As Molly got to her feet, Nellie added, ‘And if yer could see yer way clear to include a biscuit, it would be much appreciated.’
Molly tutted. ‘I should have sent yer packing when I opened the front door, then I wouldn’t have had to go all through this. I’m me own worst enemy.’ She was putting a match to the gas ring when Nellie came into the kitchen with her lips pursed and her hands on her hips. ‘What’s up with your face, sunshine? Yer look as though ye’re ready to kill someone.’
‘I’ll tell yer what’s the matter with me, Molly Bennett, you little sneak. You never bought me no present at Christmas, that’s what.’
The match had burned down to Molly’s finger. She flung the spent match into the sink and turned the tap on to run cold water over the sore spot. Someone had once told her this would stop the skin from blistering. Pulling a face, she turned the tap off and rested the finger in the palm of her other hand. ‘If you say I’m a sneak, Nellie, then I’m a sneak. And don’t stand there doing nothing, put the tea in the pot and set the cups out.’
Nellie stepped back a couple of paces, horror on her face. ‘Make the tea in me wedding dress! Not on yer life, Molly Bennett. If yer want a cup of tea yer’ll have to make it yerself.’
Molly had an answer ready for that. ‘I’m not fussy on a cup of tea, so put the gas out for us, if yer will. It’s no good wasting money.’ She held her sore finger to her chest and went back to the living room to sit down.
Nellie was in a quandary. She’d got herself into a mess and wasn’t sure how to get out of it. All over her ruddy hat! Then she told herself it was her own fault because she’d talked herself into it, and the best solution was talk herself out of it. She followed her mate back to the living room. ‘Ah, have yer burnt yer finger, girl?’ She put her arm across Molly’s shoulder. ‘Yer poor thing. You just sit there and I’ll make a nice pot of tea. That’ll make yer feel better, girl.’ She put her two hands on the brim of her hat and carefully set it down on the glass bowl on the sideboard. ‘I know that’ll be clean, girl, ’cos I can see yer’ve done yer dusting.’ With that she swayed her way to the kitchen again. Then she cocked an ear, heard a chuckle, spun round and walked back. ‘Did I hear you laughing at me, Molly Bennett?’
Still holding her finger, even though it wasn’t as sore now, Molly looked the picture of innocence. ‘Me finger is giving me gyp, sunshine, so what the hell have I got to laugh about? It just goes to show what a bad mind yer’ve got.’
Nellie was far from convinced, but nevertheless she went back to the kitchen and put a light to the ring under the kettle. But she kept her ear cocked all the time. Then she leaned against the sink and wondered how to get back in her mate’s good books. And when the kettle boiled, her chubby face was creased in a smile as she silently complimented herself on coming up with a smashing idea.
In the living room, Molly was wondering what weird and wonderful scheme Nellie would come up with to get herself off the hook. And Molly had to admit to feeling a bit sorry for her mate, because she knew she only wanted to show off. But whatever, there was no way she was going to the shops with Nellie dressed up in her wedding regalia, stopping everyone they met, even people they’d never set eyes on before. They’d all be as sweet as honey to Nellie’s face, for her reputation was well known, but they’d be laughing at her behind her back and Molly wasn’t going to let that happen.
‘Here yer are, girl, a nice cup of tea, just as yer like it.’ Nellie set the saucer down in front of her mate, and with as much sympathy as she could muster, asked, ‘How’s yer finger now, girl? Is it any better?’
Molly asked God to forgive her before she answered, ‘No, sunshine, it’s still sore and throbbing like mad. I don’t think it’s going to come up in a blister, though, so I suppose I should be thankful for small mercies. I’ll put a bandage on it when I’ve had me drink, and by the time I’m ready to go to the shops it should have calmed down a lot.’
Nellie put on her Florence Nightingale guise. ‘No, I was thinking while I was in the kitchen, yer shouldn’t go out if ye’re feeling under the weather. You stay in and rest, and I’ll get yer shopping in for yer.’
Molly lowered her head so she could bite on the inside of her lip. So that was what Nellie had come up with, eh? She was slipping, for it wasn’t a patch on her usual excuses. ‘No, thank yer all the same, sunshine, but I’d rather get me own shopping in. I haven’t made up me mind yet what to get for our dinner, so I’ll wait and see what meat Tony’s got to entice me. But don’t let me stop you, sunshine. You poppy off and get to the shops.’
Nellie narrowed her eyes. ‘Yer know, girl, we could go on like this all day. I said before that yer were childish, but I’m as bad as you. So shall we both grow up and behave like responsible adults? I’ll take me hat and go home, then I’ll come back in me old clothes and we’ll go shopping together like we always do. I mean, if I went in the butcher’s or the greengrocer’s on me own, they’d start a collection for a wreath for yer, thinking yer were dead.’
‘Nellie McDonough, how d’yer think these things up? Why couldn’t yer just tell Tony or Billy that I was busy, and that’s why yer were getting me shopping in? Wouldn’t that be less morbid than having me dead and neighbours collecting money for a wreath?’
The little woman puckered her lips and her eyes slid from side to side. ‘Here we go again, girl, you with yer words what I sometimes think yer make up just to fool me. I can’t wear me big hat, but it’s all right for you to use big words that nobody but yerself understands.’
Molly looked puzzled. ‘I didn’t use any big words, sunshine, at least I can’t remember using any. What was it I said?’
‘If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to ask yer, would I, soft girl? Whatever it was, it was as bad as having yer dead and buried.’
‘Oh, I think I know the word yer mean, sunshine, but it isn’t a long one. There’s only six letters in it. Was the word morbid, by any chance?’
Nellie’s face lit up. ‘That’s the one, girl, that’s the one. It might not be a long word, but it’s double Dutch to me. But ’cos I don’t know what it means doesn’t mean I’m thick, girl, it only means that you’re a show-off.’ She sniffed. ‘Still, seeing as yer’ve used it, yer may as well tell me what it means, for future reference, like.’
Molly grinned to herself. This should be interesting. I bet me mate will be sorry she asked. ‘It means someone who takes an interest in things that are unpleasant, such as disease or death. In other words, miserable buggers who don’t know what it’s like to enjoy themselves, or how to laugh.’
‘Yer can’t say I’m like that, girl, ’cos I’m not miserable, and I laugh more than I ruddy well cry. And being me best mate, yer should know that.’
‘Of course ye’re not, sunshine, or I wouldn’t be yer best mate. And because you are me mate, I’ll go to the shops with yer if yer go home and get changed.’
‘Ah, ay, girl! I don’t feel like getting changed, it’s too much trouble! How about if I slip home and put me old coat on, and I leave me hat there? I can’t say fairer than that, girl.’
Molly nodded. ‘Okay, sunshine, and I’ll be ready for when yer get back.’
Nellie hitched her bosom and narrowed her eyes. ‘I see yer can use yer finger now. That’s a miracle, that is, ’cos a minute ago yer were in agony.’
‘Yes, I was, sunshine, and that’s why I held me finger under the cold water. It does the trick if yer happen to burn yerself, sunshine, so there’s a little tip for y
er.’
Nellie picked her hat up and made for the front door, saying under her breath, ‘Yes, Florence Nightingale, I’ll do as yer say. You’re the boss, Florrie, I’m only the ruddy lackey.’
Molly hurried after her. ‘What did yer say, Nellie?’
‘I said, girl, don’t forget yer key.’ With that the little woman stepped on to the pavement laughing her head off, feeling that everything hadn’t gone her way so far this morning, but at least she’d got the last word in.
Molly closed the door and walked back into the living room shaking her head. ‘She’s a caution, is Nellie; yer don’t get many like her in a pound. Which is just as well, I suppose. It’s a wonder me ears aren’t burning, ’cos I’d have a bet that right now she’s standing in front of the mirror, with her hat on, telling herself what a miserable so-and-so I am. But I wouldn’t have her any different. Just imagine what life would be like without her. I would know exactly what was going to happen each day, doing the housework, going to the shops, getting the dolly tub out every Monday and putting the washing in steep. All very predictable and dull. Whereas, with Nellie, yer never know what’s going to happen from one minute to the next.’ Molly smiled at her reflection in the mirror. ‘I’d better be ready when she knocks, for it’s going to take us longer to do the shopping today with my mate stopping to tell everyone about the wedding. She won’t care whether they’re friends or not, or if they don’t want to hear it – they’ll have little to say in the matter once Nellie gets her claws in them. Even Elsie Flanaghan would be received with open arms … that’s if Nellie could catch her.’
Molly saw a shadow pass the window and hurried to take her coat off the hook in the hall. ‘I’m ready, sunshine, so there’s no need to bash the door in.’
Nellie was waiting with hands on hips for the door to open. ‘What d’yer mean, don’t bash the door in? Anyone listening to you would get the wrong impression of me. They’d think I was a loud-mouthed bully, instead of a respectable wife, mother and grandmother.’
‘No, they wouldn’t think that of yer, sunshine.’ Molly closed the door behind her. ‘Anyone with half an eye can see that ye’re as cuddly and gentle as a little lamb.’
Nellie squinted up at her mate to make sure she wasn’t being sarcastic before she smiled to show how pleased she was at the compliment. ‘Ah, that’s nice of yer, girl.’ She linked arms. ‘Where are we going to first, girl, butcher’s or greengrocer’s?’
‘Greengrocer’s last, sunshine. There’s no point in lugging potatoes around with us. We’ll see what meat we want first. I wouldn’t mind a sheet of ribs, to have with cabbage and some mash.’
‘Sounds good to me, girl, sounds good to me.’
They’d only gone a few yards when the door of a neighbour’s house opened, and Nellie dropped Molly’s arm as though it was a hot poker. Mabel Bristow was stepping down on to the pavement when she was confronted by Nellie. She put a hand to her chest and shook her head. ‘In the name of God, Nellie, yer frightened the life out of me!’
But Nellie wasn’t the least bit put out. ‘Did yer see our Lily’s wedding on Saturday, Mabel? There were so many people there I didn’t get to see everyone. Oh, it went off a treat. Everyone said what a beautiful wedding it was.’
Mabel groaned inwardly. She liked Nellie, nearly everyone did, but once she got talking to you it was hard to get away. ‘Yes, I was there, Nellie, and it was beautiful. Lily looked lovely, and so did the bridesmaids. The groom seemed a nice friendly lad, and I wish them the best of luck and hope everything goes all right for them.’ Mabel made to walk away, but she should have known from past experience that it wouldn’t be so easy.
Nellie put a restraining hand on her neighbour’s arm in case she made a dash for it. ‘Did yer like my outfit, Mabel?’
Mabel nodded. ‘Yeah, I thought yer looked great, Nellie. Very ah, la, posh.’
To the poor woman’s dismay, and Molly’s, Nellie put her basket on the ground and began to undo the buttons on her coat. ‘Yer wouldn’t see me dress close up, like, Mabel, so I’ll let yer see it now. Feel that material, girl. Don’t yer think it’s real classy?’
Mabel dutifully obliged. ‘Oh, yeah, queen, it’s real good quality.’ She looked over to Molly, and her expression screamed out for help. ‘But I’ll have to go now, Nellie, ’cos I’m going to see me mam and dad.’
Molly obliged. ‘You go on yer way, Mabel, ’cos me and Nellie are tied for time. When we’ve done our shopping I want to call at me daughters’ and see if they need anything. So we’ll love yer and leave yer, sunshine, and give our love to yer mam and dad.’
Mabel took off as though she was being chased by the devil himself, while Nellie watched her retreating back with surprise. ‘Well, that wasn’t very nice, was it? Another few minutes wouldn’t have hurt her. I think that was bleeding rude, and I’ll tell her next time I see her.’
Molly grabbed her arm and marched her forward. ‘Yer’ll do no such thing, Nellie McDonough. People have their own lives to live; they don’t revolve around you. Mabel was going to see her parents, and we’ve got to see to our families. So no more moaning, and no more stopping to gab to everyone we see. If yer do, I’ll leave yer to get on with it, because I’m going to see Doreen and Jill, whether you’re with me or not. Understand?’
Nellie gritted her teeth. Fifteen minutes ago her mate had been Florence Nightingale, now she was talking like ruddy Hitler! But best to keep quiet: least said soonest mended. But Nellie couldn’t help the way she was made, and when they were nearly at the corner of their street they came face to face with another neighbour coming back from the shops. Nellie had her mouth open ready to ask if Mrs Bamber had seen the wedding, and Molly had her hand ready to move her on. But they both got their eye wiped, for Ann Bamber beat them to it. ‘I won’t stay, ’cos I’m weighed down with shopping and me arms are dropping off, but I’d just like to say, Nellie, that the wedding went off a treat. I thought Lily looked lovely, and her new husband seems nice and friendly. You and your feller did them proud.’ With a beaming smile, Ann went on her way, calling, ‘Ta-ra. I’ll be seeing yer.’
Molly squeezed her mate’s arm. ‘There yer are, sunshine, they all thought the wedding went off very well. And so they should because you and George did Lily and Archie proud.’ Before Nellie had time to differ, Molly had cupped her elbow and steered her across the main road and along to the butcher’s shop.
Tony happened to glance through the window of his shop and saw Molly and Nellie approaching. There were no customers in the shop, and he called through to Ellen in the stockroom. ‘Yer mates are on their way, Ellen, d’yer think Nellie would take offence if I pulled her leg about the party? What yer told me was true, wasn’t it? Her husband did pick her up, throw her over his shoulder, and Nellie did show everything she’d got, and something she hadn’t got. Is that right? Yer weren’t making it up?’
‘I wouldn’t make a joke about a woman’s knickers, Tony, of course it was true. But whether Nellie will appreciate yer pulling her leg, well, yer’ll have to see for yerself.’
Tony rubbed his hands in glee when the friends came into the shop. ‘Here’s yer neighbour, Ellen, Mrs No Knickers.’
Nellie glared at him first, with her eyes narrowed. But then laughter got the better of her and her whole body shook. And when Ellen, friend and neighbour, came through from the stock room, Nellie said, ‘I suppose I’ll never hear the end of it. And I bet when your feller goes to the pub tonight he’ll tell all his mates. I’ll get a name like a mad dog.’
Molly tapped her on the shoulder, ‘If I were you, sunshine, I’d go careful with Ellen. She’s got a chopper in her hand and blood all over her apron. So watch yerself, ’cos I’d hate to see yer in the mincemeat tray in the window.’
Ellen swung the chopper, Tony guffawed, Molly chuckled and Nellie was laughing so much she had to lean over the counter. When she got her breath back, she croaked, ‘I hope yer put me with the best mince, Tony, not with that cheap stuff yer someti
mes palm me and Molly off with.’
‘I do not palm yer off with cheap mince, Nellie, not you and Molly, me two favourite customers.’ He flicked his straw hat back off his forehead. ‘Mind you, I can’t be your favourite butcher, otherwise I’d get asked to these weddings of yours. I’ve missed three good dos in the space of a year.’ He thought of the things Ellen had been telling him that morning in between customers. ‘From what Ellen’s told me, it was some party.’
‘Fancy yer telling him about me knickers, Ellen. I’m surprised at yer, ’cos yer always seem so bleeding goody-goody. But I don’t mind yer having a laugh. I’ve been laughing about it meself ever since. But I wouldn’t like Corker to tell his mates in the pub tonight. I’d never be able to look them in the face again.’
‘No, Corker won’t tell them tonight, Nellie, I can promise yer that. Yer see, he told them last night, and I believe the pub was up. They were laughing so much, Tommy Baker couldn’t see the dart board through his tears, and he lost the match.’
Molly and Nellie clung to each other laughing. ‘Oh, dear,’ Molly said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘We might not have much money, but we do see life. I enjoyed that laugh, it’s cheered me up. But down to business, Tony, and I won’t bother looking in the window, I’ll have three-quarters of that mince we were talking about. And I might be back for more after I’ve seen what Jill and Doreen want.’
‘I’ll have the same as me mate, Tony, and I’ll be back with her later, after we’ve been to see our grandchildren.’ Nellie’s bust stood to attention as she asked, ‘Did Ellen tell yer that Jill and Steve are calling their baby Molly Helen McDonough? I hope she’ll be a chip off the old block.’
Molly looked at Tony and groaned, ‘Oh, no, not two Nellie Macs. I couldn’t stand it.’