by Alice Ward
The unflappable nurse began to count as she and Amy held my legs up, and I began to bear down again. And again. And again.
“Head.”
It was the first word Langston had uttered since I’d told him he was about to be a father of two. But tears were streaming down his face as the shoulders delivered, and the second baby, already crying, came slithering out in a rush of amniotic fluid.
“A boy.”
A daze-looking Langston placed my son on my stomach and began the work of fixing me up. I took the towel from Olivia, cleaning and stimulating him myself, even though he was wailing quite beautifully on his own. I wanted him on my skin. I wanted him to know who his mommy was.
“Hey, sweet boy. Welcome to the world. You, me, and your sister are going to have lots of fun.”
Too soon, Olivia took him away. She was right to do so. They were twins. They were early. They needed a better assessment. Amy followed behind, taking pictures I knew I would cherish the rest of my life.
After dealing with the cord and delivering the placentas, the man who had haunted my dreams these past months looked up at me, looking a couple years older than he did when he walked into the room. “Any more surprises?”
I laughed and weakly shook my head. “I’m so sorry.” He didn’t answer. Didn’t look at me as he sewed me up.
When it was done, he stripped off the gloves, then stood, appearing lost as he looked between me and the babies. It was like he didn’t know what to do. Where to go. Say. Be.
I couldn’t blame him.
Making his decision, he moved around the bed and sat down beside me. He took my hand, engulfing it between his big ones.
“I’m Langston,” he said, his eyes searching my face, the tiniest of smiles playing on one side of his mouth.
A little smile played on my face. “Hello, Langston. I’m Scarlett. It’s very nice to meet you.”
A baby cried, capturing his attention. He looked over at the warmers, slowly shaking his head. “So, I’m a dad, huh?”
I nodded and swallowed hard. “Times two, actually, but like I said—”
He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. “Shhh… we can talk about all that later. For right now, can I just sit here for a moment? This is a lot to take in.”
Lifting a hand, I smoothed the lock of hair away, then traced my thumb over the line of tension. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here. Really here. I thought I was dreaming when I saw you come into the room.”
He snorted a laugh. “Me too. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me, or that this entire sushi thing had been a setup of some kind. An elaborate punk show with me as the star.”
“We’ll do DNA so you can be sure,” I said, needing him to never doubt for a second that I might be lying to him, or that there was some sort of mistake.
“Shhh… we’re not supposed to be talking about that, remember?”
He was right. There would be time for talk later. Time to tear one another apart with questions.
Right now was not that time.
I nodded. “I remember everything.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Langston
What the fucking fuck?
Okay, so there was the obvious what the fuck, but underneath the big one was about a thousand smaller ones. I was having trouble processing them all.
How had this happened? Well, that was actually a pretty stupid question. I knew that condoms could fail even with perfect usage, and we hadn’t been perfect, especially the second time I’d made love with her right after pancakes and strawberries.
I hadn’t pulled out of her immediately upon climax. Instead, I’d stayed inside her for a very long time, just holding her on my lap as she slept.
So, that answered the how it happened question. Next, did I believe her when she said the babies were mine?
Yes.
The answer was immediate, but I still needed to give it some thought. Did I want a DNA test? Was it dumb not to get the simple test? They could use the blood from the babies’ cords, so nothing else would need to be done there. It would take any lingering question marks away, but would it unravel the extremely fragile connection I had with Scarlett? Would she see it as a lack of faith? I’d think about it later.
A wail came from the warmers, catching my attention. I squeezed Scarlett’s hand and stood to walk over to them. A pediatrician had come into the room and was checking them both over. I checked the notes, relieved that they both seemed healthy. Their lungs were clear. Heart rates just right. Reflexes well within range. And they were so adorably awake, looking around with similar what the heck is going on expressions as they were poked and prodded in this strange new world.
These were my babies.
Were these my babies?
They were too young and squishy looking to really get an idea of their features. Their eyes were both newborn blue, but they could certainly change.
“Baby girl Adler is five pounds, four ounces,” one of the nurses said, calling out stats as she went. “Seventeen inches.”
Adler. They wouldn’t have my last name.
The knowledge was a punch in the gut.
“Baby boy Adler is six pounds, two ounces. Twenty and a half inches. He’s going to be tall like his dad.”
Dad.
That was me.
I was a dad.
Wasn’t I?
Was I?
The nurse, Olivia I thought her name was, looked up at me and gave a soft smile. “You did a good job, especially with all the surprises that came flying at you.”
I chuckled nervously. Every person in this room knew Scarlett much better than me. Sure, I knew her physically, but there was so much more to her than that.
“Thank you. It’s been awhile.”
Her eyes widened, and she gaped at me. “You’re kidding. You’re not an obstetrician?”
All eyes turned my way. “No. Surgeon, general and trauma. With the food poisoning outbreak, they called me in. I was sent up here because they said there was a laboring woman who might need a C-section. No heads up about anything else. Didn’t even know it was twins. It’s pretty chaotic downstairs.”
Olivia slowly shook her head. “What are the odds that it would be you?”
I couldn’t even fathom how this journey had gotten me from there to here. “No idea. It seems like there was some kind of guiding force behind it all.”
Scarlett’s friend snorted, her camera clicking away at the babies. I ignored her and asked the nurse, “How are they doing?”
The nurse smiled up at me. “They’re perfect. Apgars are great. Sounds and reactions are exactly right. I’d say you have Olympic champions in the making here.” She bundled the boy, pulling the blue cap lower to cover his dark hair and ears, then wrapped him tight as a burrito. “Ready to hold the sweetest little boy in the world?”
I looked back at Scarlett, who gave me an encouraging nod. My hands began to tremble as the little bundle was placed in my arms. When I didn’t immediately break him, I blew out a relieved breath.
“Hey, little guy.” His wrinkled pink face scrunched up, and then he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. This was my son. Test or no test, this child belonged to me, I just knew it. Very carefully, I walked over to Scarlett’s bed and sat down on the side. I didn’t trust my legs to hold me up much longer. The adrenaline fading from my system. The shock of blue eyes and wild curls reentering my life so unexpectedly. They all combined to make me feel less than steady.
“You, Scarlett Adler, are a freaking beast.”
She smiled. It was the smile I remembered. The smile that showed almost all of her teeth. The smile that transported a pretty face into one that I couldn’t stop looking at. A smile just for me.
“You did pretty good yourself, Doctor.” She reached out and stroked the head of the baby in my arms. “So, you really are Dr. McDreamy. Did you turn water into wine?”
I chuckled, froze when the baby startled, then lowered my
voice. “No wine. No time for that. I also didn’t do anything as spectacular as push two babies out naturally. Did you even have any pain meds?”
Her lips fluttered with her exhale. “Nothing. It took me forever to get here with traffic, so I was already at eight when I arrived. Doctors had already started dropping like flies because of the food poisoning, so it was pretty clear that I didn’t have much choice in the matter.”
“You were amazing, Scarlett. I’m sorry you had to do this alone.”
She ran a finger down the baby’s cheek, and he snapped his mouth toward it, making me smile. “I think he’s hungry.”
“Do you plan to nurse?”
She nodded enthusiastically. “For as long as I can manage it.” She began to adjust her gown to pull one side down before looking up at me. She licked her lips, a blush creeping up her cheeks. “Is this okay? I mean… this is such a drastically different me than the me you saw back in September. I know I look like a different person.”
Her hand fell to her belly, and I adjusted the baby in my arms to cover her hand with mine. I felt the softness of the stretched and still very swollen skin beneath the gown. I’d seen the stretch marks earlier. Her vagina opening and tearing, changing as it delivered two miracles into existence. Her face was puffy, as were her hands and feet. Sweat had matted pieces of her hair to her skin, and the curls seemed droopier than I remembered, probably exhausted too from her ordeal.
“I’ve never known anyone so beautiful.”
Tears appeared in her eyes, and she gave a dry little laugh. “Now you’re Dr. McLiar.”
Silence stretched, lengthened, and wound its way around us. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. I wish I had known.” I squeezed her hand. “I would have—”
“You would have what?” she interrupted, not unkindly, but an intensity darkened her expression. “You would have come back? You would have voluntarily been tied down, which is the one thing you said you most feared. You would have—”
That’s why she didn’t call me?
“Yes. Yes, I would have come back. I would have helped, done something. Anything. I had the right to know.”
Her eyes narrowed, her nostrils flaring a bit. “And how exactly was—”
“Let me check your bleeding,” a different nurse said, coming up on the opposite side of the bed. The nurse gave me a hard why are you upsetting her, you dumbass look. And she was right. This wasn’t the time for this discussion. My job was to be supportive and help however I was needed.
The nurse snapped on a pair of gloves and compressed Scarlett’s belly, doing the postpartum checks, and changing the protective pads beneath her. I watched intently, having never seen the aftermath of a baby, or babies, being delivered. “Bleeding is normal. Stitches look good. I’ll bring you a tray, and we’ll get you up and walking soon. Want to try nursing now?”
“Yes, I want to nurse, and yes, I’m starving.” Scarlett wrinkled her nose. “No sushi. No fish period.”
There was a soft chuckle of agreement. The baby whimpered in my arms, and I looked down at him.
“What’s his name?”
She licked her lips. “I was thinking Samuel, after my brother.” She frowned and met my eyes, worry flickering across her expression. “If that’s okay with you.”
The connection between us was so tenuous, as thin as a strand of silk, but it could grow stronger as it was woven into the fabric of time. It had to grow stronger. It just had to.
“I think Samuel is perfect. Will I get to meet your brother soon?”
Pain became a mask on her face. “He died a long time ago. He was my twin.” She looked at the baby still in my arms. “They run in my family.”
“I’m so sorry.” There was so very little I knew about her, but I knew her name. The rest I could figure out and learn as we spent more time together.
“Thank you.”
Looking into my son’s eyes, I thought of my father. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you for anything,” I began and cleared my throat, “but what do you think about Joseph for a middle name, after my father?”
Tears welled in my eyes again. Since I met this woman, something inside me changed. My hands shook and I, dammit, cried. Maybe the ice around my heart wasn’t as solid as I thought it was after all.
She smiled. “Samuel Joseph. I love it.” She reached out and touched my hand. “Melinda was talking about a Dr. Kimbrough passing away recently. Was that… was he your father?”
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s why I came back from Nigeria early. It’s why I’m here now.”
We were both quiet, both of us processing the chain of events that had occurred to bring us together.
“So, you really did fly out that morning?”
I met her eyes, made sure she saw the truth in mine. “Yeah. I really did. You sleep like a dead person.”
Why didn’t you call me?
I opened my mouth to ask her when the nurse approached with the other baby, my daughter, in her arms. She was even smaller than the one I was currently holding. “It’s lunchtime, Mommy,” the nurse said. “Let’s see how they do.”
“Want to hand Samuel off to me?” Scarlett suggested as she adjusted her gown. “Give you a few minutes with her?”
I managed to juggle the baby around and hand him to her without killing him, which gave me courage to hold the next. It was like holding air. My daughter was so pretty, her squinting little eyes blinking up at me. Very carefully, I laid her on the bed and unwrapped the blanket. I wanted to see her fingers, count her toes. I’d delivered a few babies but had never handled one past medical necessity.
“What’s her name?” I asked, something melting deep inside me as she grasped my finger with her tiny hand.
“I’ve been thinking of either Sofi or Silla. Elizabeth is Amy’s last name. She’s going to be their godmother, so unless you have any objections, I want that to be in there too.”
I turned to look at the woman we were speaking about, and she lifted her camera and clicked.
“I… love them both.” I nearly told her I didn’t think I had the right to offer an opinion, especially after she kindly allowed my father’s name to live on. We were tiptoeing around each other, I realized. Both of us watching each other warily, waiting for some explosion we had no hope of escaping.
An auburn brow lifted. “So, Sofi okay with you?”
I looked down at the little girl and began wrapping her back up, worried she might get cold, even in the overly warm room. “It’s perfect. I’ve never needed to think about naming anyone, but you’re right. She actually looks like a Sofi, I think.”
Scarlett nodded but was intently working to help Samuel nurse. Something else inside of me shifted as I watched the process of a baby figuring out a new way of living for the first time. The miracle of human resiliency as he adapted to being cast out of his warm, comfortable environment where everything was done for him to having bright lights in his eyes, a nipple stuck in his mouth, the process of sucking, knowing it was what he needed to do.
He spit it out at first, making funny faces then wailing some more. But Scarlett was so patient with him, and when he latched on and began to suck, her eyes widened, and she looked up at me, a smile spreading on her face. “I did it. We’re doing it.”
Scarlett’s face seemed to change, transforming in front of me. She had been a woman before, but now, she transcended femininity. It was like holding up a prism to the light and watching all the colors dance inside. Then, you turned the prism, and colors and patterns came to life. This was Scarlett. Her prism had turned. And I was the luckiest son of a bitch to have witnessed it.
“That’s my boy,” I crooned to the infant, surprised at how natural it was to think of him like that.
My eyes locked with Scarlett’s, and I knew we were both remembering me worshipping her breasts, teasing the nipples with my tongue. Breasts that now carried a higher purpose beyond physical pleasure. It was crazy that I’d only met Scarlett twice, and how bot
h meetings were so vastly different.
“Ready for the next?” I asked, completely incompetent and helpless in knowing what to do. I knew very little about breastfeeding beyond the basics of human anatomy, especially nursing twins. It made sense that she would nurse them at the same time or else she would be nursing around the clock, giving her no time to rest.
Scarlett nodded, and the nurse came up to assist, stuffing pillows all around her. She unlatched Samuel, who clearly wasn’t ready to be unlatched, and turned him until his feet were facing the other way. Catching on, I settled Sofi in a similar position and the same process began of introducing the nipple, it getting spit out, then the baby having the moment of wow… this is good and munching down with fervor. Sofi might be smaller, but she was quick to catch on.
“Olivia,” Scarlett whispered to the nurse, “will you get a DNA kit for Langston?”
I jerked back in surprise and the nurse’s eyes slid toward me. “That’s not necessary,” I said quickly.
Scarlett’s expression was firm. “It is. I want it in black and white. I never want there to be a single question in your mind. If you’re going to be part of the babies’ lives, I need you to be absolutely sure.”
I stared at her. If I was going to be part of their lives?
Did she not want me in their lives? In her life? Was she not one hundred percent sure after all that I was their father? Was she doing this for herself as well? Or was she wanting it done only for my peace of mind?
It didn’t matter. There were too many question marks. With a simple test, they could all be eliminated. “Fine. How quickly can your lab get the results back?”
The nurse blinked at me. “Three to five days, normally. They can rush it and be as quick as twelve hours, twenty-four at most.”
“Rush it,” I said, a little harsher than I meant to.
“You have to pay out of pock—”
I softened my voice. “That’s fine. I’ll cover the charges.” I looked at Scarlett. “I’ll cover all the charges. I’ll take care of the bill and any of your doctor bills too.”
There was a flash of relief on Scarlett’s face before it transformed into something more mulish. “That isn’t necessary. I can—”