‘Ooh! Now this I have to watch,’ he said, rushing away from me and closer to the action.
I moved a little closer myself. How could I not, when Prince Charming had just entered the dance? And by Prince Charming, I mean Finn, dressed up like the aforementioned fairy tale hero, right down to the cringe-worthy tights.
He moved to the stage and bowed low. He’d timed things perfectly, seeing as the latest song had just come to an end.
‘Fair Princess Lassie!’ Finn called to Lassie, who turned in her throne to face him, her cheeks flaming red. ‘For many months I have watched you from afar. And now I am here to ask you … will you go out with me?’
‘Of course I will, you idiot. I thought you’d never ask.’ Lassie stood up, grinning madly and rushing from the stage. As she jumped into Finn’s arms, he broke out into a smile even wider than hers. My hand went to my heart as I watched them, and my stomach leapt. This time, there was no jealous little gremlin rearing its head.
12. … and Never Been Kissed
I soon got bored (and slightly grossed out) by watching Finn and Lassie. The moment they started kissing, I stopped looking. But romance was everywhere I looked that night. I couldn’t get away from the stuff. As the Call of the Wild handed over to a DJ while they took a break, Mack bounded down from the stage, kissed Melissa madly, and then they went outside together.
The DJ began to play a jaunty dance beat, and the floor filled up with dancers. I saw Will drag Mandy up. She took one last slurp from her pink champagne flute, set it down on the table, and followed him to the centre of the floor. As soon as she left the table, Yvonne – one of the glamour artists I’d spoken to in the wake of Felix’s murder – picked up Mandy’s champagne glass and took a sneaky drink. Huh. Maybe the crew were jealous of the glass, after all.
I was just wondering whether it would be a good idea to question some of the crew (now that they were tipsy, they might be more truthful) when Max appeared by my side.
He looked a little stiffer than usual. Even his brown hair was combed neatly, something Max often forgot to do. His expression was a tad on the serious side, too – although if Emily had told him about the Eau de Wolf, maybe he had reason to be feeling tense. They were supposed to be spending the night in together, but I guess that hearing your girlfriend has been harbouring a secret supply of werewolf pheromones might take some of the romance out of the evening.
‘Hey there, Wanda,’ he said. ‘Would you care to dance?’
‘Even though you’re being a lot more formal than usual, yes. You bet I do. Lead the way.’
We swayed towards the side of the floor, and he pulled me into his body. Usually, when Max and I were in such close proximity, I felt far too happy. Forget happy … ever since we’d been affected by a love potion, I felt positively giddy when I was in his presence. Maybe it was finally wearing off, because tonight I felt absolutely nothing. He even smelled different.
‘Your dress is pretty,’ he said. ‘It makes all the little golden flecks in your hair and your eyes stand out.’
‘Golden flecks?’ That was news to me. On days when I was feeling good about myself, I described my hair as chestnut brown. But let’s be honest – both my hair and my eyes were plain old brown.
He shrugged against me. ‘Yes. Golden flecks. You look beautiful, Wanda Wayfair.’ He groaned. ‘Oh no. I did it again, didn’t I? I promised I would call you Wanda, not Wanda Wayfair.’
I pulled away and looked more closely at him, feeling my mood plummet. Of course this wasn’t Max. Max would never comb his hair that way. And being close to him had felt completely different. ‘Sixteen?’
The robot nodded. ‘Paul decided I should take part in social occasions. He believes it shall help me develop my interpersonal skills. Are my interpersonal skills improving, Wanda?’
‘They are,’ I assured him. ‘You certainly seem much better than you did the last time I saw you. I was worried about you when you glitched like that.’
Was it my imagination, or were the robot’s cheeks turning red? Nah. Paul might be able to work miracles with technology, but there was no way he could make a robot blush.
‘I was shocked, Wanda Wayfair,’ he said. ‘I mean, Wanda. I had never been kissed before that moment. It felt … odd.’
‘Odd? I guess that’s not the worst thing a guy’s ever said after I kissed him.’
‘Wanda Wayfair – I mean, Wanda – any male who gets to kiss you would be the luckiest male in the world. In my humble opinion.’
‘Oh, Sixteen!’ I patted his cheek. ‘You just get sweeter and sweeter, don’t you?’
His face went eerily still for a moment. I drew my hand back, afraid that I’d broken him again. As his face began to move, relief flooded through me. My relief, however, was short-lived. Yes, his face moved, but only so his mouth could open and close and he could say, ‘I … I … I …’ just like the last time.
Paul ran towards us, panting. ‘Sixteen! I told you to wait outside the toilets for me. What’s happened to you?’
‘I … I … I …’
‘I didn’t do anything,’ I said. ‘I swear. We were just dancing. He was being a big sweetie, really, and all I did was tell him so.’
Paul looked like he didn’t quite believe me. ‘You just told him he was sweet? Nah, that couldn’t have caused this. Hey, you didn’t kiss him again, did you? Because I’ve been trying to figure out if an unexpected motion like that could have sent him haywire the last time.’
‘No. I just … I sort of patted his cheek.’
Paul’s brow furrowed. ‘Seriously? But we’ve practised friendly contact. Shaking hands. I even had Gretel hug him the other day and this didn’t happen. I’m going to need some skin samples, Wanda. Because the only conclusion I can draw right now is that Sixteen is allergic to you.’
I groaned. ‘Now a robot is allergic to me? My life just gets better and better, Paul.’
I hadn’t noticed Jasper Jaunt arrive on the scene, but the bass player was standing next to us, all wide-apart legs and machismo, tossing back a bottle of bourbon. ‘Yeah, I don’t think that’s the problem, gorgeous.’ He patted Sixteen on the cheek. ‘You’ve got a little crush on Wanda, don’t ya?’
Sixteen said, ‘I … I … I …’ The robot paused, then went down on one knee. ‘Wanda Wayfair, you are the kindest woman I have ever met. And you are soft in places that make me feel most odd. Will you be my first girlfriend?’
Paul’s eyes widened, and he pulled the robot up. ‘Okay, buddy, I think it’s time you went for a very long sleep and I started working on Seventeen.’
‘Hey!’ Jasper protested, waving his bottle in the air. ‘That’s a bit unfair, don’t ya think? You want this robot to act more human, right? Well, what’s more human than having a crush on a woman like Wanda?’ Jasper looked me up and down.
‘Ew!’ I moved a few steps away from Jasper. ‘He doesn’t have a crush on me. He’s just … malfunctioning. Or something.’
Paul looked thoughtful. ‘Maybe. Although now that I think about it …’ He began to mumble, more to himself than us, as he led the robot across the dancefloor and out of the hall. As they went, Sixteen looked back at me and said, ‘Please do not be offended by me, Wanda Wayfair. I admire your golden flecks just as much as your soft parts!’
Jasper chuckled and took another slug of his bourbon. ‘Sensible head on his shoulders, that lad. But seeing as he’s probably gone off to be rejiggered by the wizard … fancy letting me twirl you around the floor before I have to get back up and entertain the crowd?’
Seeing as the entire hall was already staring at me, I decided that I might as well make even more of a fool of myself, so I said, ‘Why the heck not?’
Jasper deposited his bottle on a nearby table and grabbed me by the waist. ‘I knew it! Told all the lads, so I did. You fancy the pants off me.’
‘Not in a million years, Jasper. In fact, if there were a petition to make sure you never take your trousers off, mine would be the first
signature. The only reason I’m dancing with you is because I need to have a word with you.’
‘Oh? About how much you’d like to join me in my favourite hot tub this evening?’
‘Once again – ew! Jasper, there’s being a flirt, and then there’s being a creep. And then … well then there’s you. What in Hecate’s name do you think you’re playing at, giving Emily that Eau de Wolf? And telling her she should put a stupid Coy pond in Max’s garden? You know perfectly well Max hates small fish ponds. And Coy fish are just weird, what with all that giggling and whispering they do. You need to stop this nonsense with Emily. Now.’
Jasper looked confused. ‘Who’s this Emily you’re talking about?’
‘Oh, dear goddess. Emily Caulfield. Of Caulfield’s Cakes.’
‘Ah. You mean Enid.’
‘No. I’m one hundred percent sure that I mean Emily. And I’m also sure that I’ve told you before – the way to a woman’s heart does not lie in forgetting her name.’
Jasper let out an excruciatingly long sigh. ‘Oh, Wanda. What am I going to do? I can’t remember Dollface’s proper name, no matter how hard I try. I think it’s because I fancy her so much.’
‘Mm hmm. That’s usually how I know I fancy someone, too – when I can’t recall a single important fact about the person.’
‘Don’t come on all sarcastic with me, Wanda. I can’t take it. Look, I’ll come clean. I know her name is Emily, all right? I also know she has blue eyes, and brown curly hair, and a laugh that makes me want to write songs about her. Or … encourage Mack to write songs about her, anyway. I’m not very good at writing songs.’
I pulled back from him, studying his face. ‘Are you telling me that you have a proper crush on Emily?’
‘A crush? I dunno. Does a crush make you want to marry someone and make little witchy-wolf pups? If that’s a crush, then yeah. I suppose I might be having one of those.’
Eek. It really did sound like a crush. But for all I knew, Jasper had three new crushes before breakfast every day. ‘Whatever. She’s with Max, Jasper. Y’know – the amazing guy who you share Wolfie with? What do you think Wolfie would say if he knew you were playing all of these underhanded tricks to try and split them up?’
Jasper squeezed his eyes shut. ‘I know, Wanda! If it came down to choosing between us again, I know he’d choose Max. I don’t want to lose Wolfie. He only said he’d live with both of us because he knew I couldn’t cope without him. But … Dollface is just so lovely. I mean, have you tasted her chocolate?’
‘Her chocolate is amazing, I’ll give you that. But I’m warning you, Jasper. Emily wants Max, not you. Don’t mess that up.’
He let out another too-long sigh. ‘Fine. But you’ve made me feel miserable. How about we speed up the tempo on this dance of ours? Jigger our way all over this floor and put the rest to shame?’
I was about to say no. I did not want to be jiggered around the floor by Jasper. Even if I knew what being jiggered was, I doubted I’d want it. But Jasper was already extending a hand, spinning me away from him, then catching me again, then spinning me away again and … it was all happening so fast. I didn’t have time for breath, let alone for protest.
‘This is fun, isn’t it?’ said Jasper, spinning me faster than ever. It was fun, I supposed. If being spun far too fast and too far is your idea of fun.
Just to make the fun times even funner (it could be a word if we really wanted it to be) Mandy Parker happened to be enjoying being spun around by Will at the same time. When I say enjoyed, I mean that she looked greener and dizzier than me. There were two possible outcomes: either she was going to collide with me, or she was going to crash into me and puke on me at the same time.
I was too dizzy to make it out of her path in time. I tried to click my fingers to take myself somewhere else, but I couldn’t even manage that much.
‘Get out of my way, Wanda!’ she shouted, heading for me with a hand over her mouth.
‘You get out of my way!’ I shouted back.
But it was too late. For a thin woman, she sure packed a punch. My body fell to the floor underneath hers. For a moment we were all arms, legs and screeching. Now that I look back on it, our entanglement was a relatively pleasant moment. A simpler time. A time I wished would last forever, if only it meant the vomit would never come.
I once heard Mandy proclaim that her pee smelled like roses. I could neither confirm nor deny that. But I could confirm that her vomit did not smell floral. It smelled like average, horrific vomit, as it spewed all over my dress.
Mandy rocked onto her heels and wiped her mouth, pointing at my bodice. ‘Hey, Wanda. You’ve got sick on you.’
I sat up, looking down at my ruined dress. ‘You don’t say.’
The whole of the community hall was silent. Even the DJ stopped playing. Apparently when a famous actress falls over a Wayfarer and throws up, it’s a moment worth watching. Will was the first one to move, pulling me to standing and waving his hand over my dress.
‘Clean,’ he said quietly, making every horrible inch of vomit disappear, before turning away and helping Mandy to her feet.
‘You picked her up first!’ she whined.
Will sighed. ‘Only because I reached her first. Are you all right?’
‘No. I’m not all right. Stupid Wanda ruins everything. Why do I feel so sick? I think I might throw up again, Will.’
‘Come on,’ he said, putting an arm around her waist. ‘Let’s get you to the healer. Something’s not right.’
I turned away, not happy to have to watch them look so together. It was then that I noticed: while every person at the party had stood around, staring at the mess Mandy and I made on the floor, one person remained seated. It was Yvonne, the glamour artist from the television set. Just like when I walked into Mandy’s dressing room, I felt like the ground was lurching beneath my feet.
I walked slowly towards her, and my mother, Christine, Ronnie and Finn fell in beside me.
‘Do you think she’s dead?’ said Christine in a low voice.
My mother touched Yvonne’s neck. ‘She’s dead,’ she quietly confirmed.
I glanced at the glass that Yvonne had – at some point – let fall to the floor. The pink glass she had started to drink from the moment Mandy left the table. I scooped it up and handed it to Ronnie, who took a sniff.
‘I’ll have to test it to be sure,’ she said, ‘but I think it’s Blue. Yvonne’s been poisoned.’
Will and Mandy had paused on their way out. Will’s face was full of horror and shock, while Mandy’s seemed closer to irritation. She pointed at the glass Ronnie was holding. ‘That’s my special glass,’ she said. ‘Who told Yvonne she could use it?’
13. A Little Bit of Style and a Lot of Substance
In Major Crimes, we all had the means to close our desks off for privacy, but we usually left our work areas open so we could chat and work together more easily. But tonight, Christine, Ronnie, Finn and I had pulled across the doors, turning Finn’s workspace into a private office.
My mother had gone home with my father, but I could see that she was chafing at the bit to be involved. Being the Minister for Magical Law might be the most prestigious position in Irish magical politics, and she’d made some momentous changes since she won the role, but I could tell just how much she missed being hands on with investigations.
Will and Mandy were seated a few feet outside the door, at our little coffee. Mandy had already been to Night and Gale, and according to Florence, the head healer, she was fine. But Florence had come along to our offices with her to be sure. The healer was also here to give us a report on whether Mandy had consumed any Blue and, if so, how the heck she was still breathing.
Florence wasn’t the only one ministering to the actress. Bruno was there, stroking Mandy’s hair and telling her how brave she was. I’d told Finn that Christine and Cassandra believed Mandy was the one the killer was really after, and Finn had passed certain aspects on to Will, telling him we had an
informant, but not saying who the informant was. Because of that, Mandy was also surrounded by half a dozen Wayfarers and ten members of the Berry coven’s private security team.
Ronnie had already been back to her lab to get a dose of a liquid she called What’s My Poison. It was a clear liquid that reacted in different ways to different poisons. It was a new creation, one Shane, Finn and I had helped her with. As soon as we got the go-ahead on the budget, every Wayfarer would be equipped with the liquid. It could easily test for twelve major poisons, and would be useful at crime scenes.
Ronnie tipped a drop into the pink champagne flute and swirled it around. In about three seconds, the remaining drops of champagne had turned pink.
Finn balled his fists. ‘Pink is the colour Blue turns when it reacts with What’s My Poison, right?’
Ronnie and I nodded.
‘Shane’s working on poor Yvonne now,’ Finn went on. ‘But I don’t think we need to be psychics to figure out what killed her.’ He glanced out through the door. ‘Yet again, someone else was killed instead of Mandy Parker. This is one determined but clumsy criminal, isn’t it?’
Ronnie kicked a booted foot up onto the table. ‘Blue is easily detectable, as we all know. So whoever is trying to kill Mandy doesn’t care that her death will be an obvious murder. Is that because they just want to get the job done as quickly and easily as possible? Or because they want to set someone up?’ She nodded pointedly in Will’s direction. ‘His stash of Blue was taken by us, and there’s no more in his house. Although …’ She bit her lip and winced. ‘What better way to cover up a poisoning than to say, “Well, I couldn’t have done it, officer. You’d already confiscated my poison.”’
‘Hmm.’ Finn didn’t sound convinced. ‘It’s a theory I guess.’ He looked at me. ‘What’s your Wayfarer gut telling you, Wanda?’
I kept my eyes on Will as I answered. He looked nervous, but anyone would under the circumstances. Someone was trying to kill his fiancée. What man wouldn’t be sweating at such a thought?
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