by Rosie Clarke
‘You’ve never liked me,’ she replied and began to cry. She dabbed at her cheeks with her handkerchief. ‘You kept Jon away from us before he was shot down, and now you’re trying to deny us the chance to see him. Our own son …’
‘That isn’t true. If he can travel, I shall bring Jon to see you – and if he is unable to move far, you can visit him.’
‘You couldn’t look after him, Dorothy,’ Pops said. ‘I’m enough trouble to you as it is.’ He patted my hand, smiling at me in his own sweet way. ‘You’re a good girl to consider having Jon back, Emma. I dare say there’s a good many who would be only too pleased to let someone else take the burden.’
‘Jon is my husband,’ I said. ‘I do love him. I always have. I could not just walk away when he needs me.’
Mrs Reece gave me a disbelieving stare, but Pops leaned forward and kissed me. ‘Knowing you, I would not expect you to do anything else,’ he said. ‘Thank you, my dear.’
Tears stung my eyes. The determination to stand by Jon had grown over the past few days.
All I had to do now was to wait for the official confirmation that he was back in an English hospital, and that could not happen until after the invasion of Europe, which I, like everyone else in the country, knew must happen very soon.
Jane carried two suitcases of clothes into the shop one morning in late May. ‘I thought you might as well have these,’ she said. ‘I don’t want anything for them, Emma. I shall be going home very soon, and I’m sick to death of everything I brought with me.’
‘Oh, Jane,’ I cried. ‘I shall miss you when you leave!’
‘I shall miss you, Emma, but we’ll be seeing each other when you come out to America with Jack. I’m going to invite you to stay often.’
‘I’m not sure I shall be coming, Jane.’
She stared at me in dismay. ‘You haven’t fallen out with Jack? I can’t believe it! You two are so right for each other.’
‘We haven’t fallen out. Jon is alive. Jack told me himself. He’s very ill. I don’t think I can just walk away from that.’
‘Oh, Emma,’ she was shocked and upset. ‘How awful for you. Whatever will you do? You can’t simply give up everything you had with Jack! It doesn’t make sense.’
‘I don’t see what else I can do.’ I stopped her as she would have protested. ‘No, Jane. Jon is my husband. He has never done anything to harm me, in fact he always helped me, always stood by me. How can I do less for him? He needs me. Put yourself in my position. You wouldn’t desert Robert if he needed you – would you?’
‘But you’re in love with Jack. Don’t deny it, Emma. I know it’s true.’
‘I’m not going to deny it. Being with Jack has given me more happiness than I’ve ever known in my life.’
‘Then how can you think of giving him up? Quite apart from the fact that it will devastate him, you are going to be utterly miserable. Is it worth ruining your own and Jack’s life for a mistaken sense of duty?’
I could not answer her. Jane was asking all the questions I asked myself over and over again in the night. I was being torn in two by conflicting loyalties. All I knew for certain was that I would never be truly happy with Jack if I deserted my husband when he needed me.
‘So when do you think you will go back home?’ I asked. ‘You and Robert must come to dinner before you leave. I know Margaret would like to see you again.’
‘It depends on the way things go in France,’ Jane said. ‘We’re going to be very busy for a while, Emma. Can I give you an answer another day – when I know more about Robert’s schedule?’
‘Yes, of course.’
I had the feeling that she was angry with me. Quite obviously, Jane did not agree with my decision to give up Jack. She was puzzled and hurt by what she saw as my rejection of not only Jack but the life he had offered me – and by implication, her. Had I gone to America as we’d planned, we would have continued to be good friends, but now it was unlikely we would meet again after she left London.
‘Well, I must dash,’ she said, then gave me a hard, reproachful look. ‘I think you are a fool, Emma. I’m sorry, but I do. You’re throwing away so much for some self-sacrificing ideal that means nothing, and I believe you will regret it.’
I stared after her as she left the shop, knowing that I might well have lost Jane’s friendship for good.
Chapter 14
D-Day had finally arrived and the Allied troops stormed ashore in Normandy. Mr Churchill had broadcast to the nation, telling us that things were going as well or better than had been forecast. We had suffered fewer losses at sea than expected, and though there would be many losses in the battles to come the future now looked much brighter.
Every day Margaret and I listened to the wireless for news of the invasion; it might be going well, but now we had something else to trouble us. Hitler had threatened a new secret weapon, and it had come in the form of the buzz bomb or doodle-bug, a deadly menace that became dangerous once the odd-sounding engine stopped or the flame of orange it emitted ceased. It took about fifteen seconds for the bomb to explode once the engine ran out of fuel, and the attacks could happen at any time of day or night. Crowded shopping streets had felt its full force, and it was very frightening. Yet we accepted it as we had the blitz before it, and carried on with our lives as best we could.
‘It’s nearly over,’ Annie said to me when I went into the shop one afternoon towards the end of June. ‘The way the invasion is going, the Germans will soon be defeated. Don’t you think so, Emma?’
‘It certainly seems to be going our way, at least in France.’
‘They will be coming home soon,’ Annie said, her eyes reflecting a mixture of wistfulness and hope. ‘Our men. Brothers, fathers, uncles, husbands – it’s wonderful, isn’t it? I’m so excited, Emma. I can’t wait for Pete to come home.’
‘When he does you will have some good news for him.’ I smiled at her. ‘Sol has managed to get you a prefab. You can have the keys next month.’
‘Oh, Emma …’ She looked at me excitedly. ‘You’re so good to me! I would have had to wait ages if it hadn’t been for you.’
‘I’m glad Sol could help,’ I said. ‘He’s the one you should thank – and he says he will take your eldest girl on as a trainee machinist when she leaves school this summer. You said Ruth was interested in learning the trade, and we shall be needing new staff in the workshop and the showroom. We’re going to expand now that cloth isn’t rationed. You’ll still need coupons to buy clothes, of course, but that’s bound to end sooner or later.’
‘What will you do about the shop?’ she asked. ‘People won’t be so keen on second-hand stuff then – at least not good stuff at your prices. They’ll want new if they can afford it, and those that can’t buy off the market anyway.’
‘Yes, I know. This was just something to fill the gap when things were so difficult, Annie; I never expected it to carry on for ever. I’ve been thinking about the future. Now that Jane no longer has an interest in the shop, Margaret and I have decided to make changes. We both think there is a going to be a continuing demand for material by women who want to make their own clothes. We’re having some paper patterns made up for us, and we’re going to start selling them and a range of sewing cottons, and from next month we shall have a certain amount of new material to offer.’
‘Will you keep the second-hand stuff? Only if you wanted to clear it out, I know someone who runs a stall on the market in Petticoat Lane. He would give you a few pounds for it.’
‘We’ll get the new material in and see how things go first. Once we’re up and running, I might have ready-made dresses here too. This shop is going to be the first of several, Annie. I want to take things slowly at the start, see what sells best before I invest too much.’
‘You won’t be going to America then?’
‘No,’ I said, controlling the swift surge of pain her words aroused. ‘At the moment, I can’t see that happening.’
I was still hurti
ng as I left the shop. An official letter confirming that Jon was alive but badly injured had arrived just a few days earlier. I would be sent further details when they were available.
My eyes were stinging with unshed tears as I began to walk towards the Portobello Road. Such mixed emotions were raging inside me. I was glad Jon was alive, of course I was glad about that, but distressed and concerned about his injuries. Would he be well enough to come home within days or weeks – or would he be confined to hospital for a much longer period?
My mind was set on having him home if it was possible, and if not then I would visit him as often as I could. I had made my decision but the pain of making that choice was still raw. Yes, I cared for my husband – but giving Jack up was like tearing out my own heart.
I knew that I would always love him, always miss him, but there was no choice. I could never desert Jon.
As I went into the showroom, I noticed a man in the uniform of an RAF officer talking to Sol. He turned as I entered, and my breath caught as I saw his face and knew him. It was Paul Greenslade.
‘Emma …’ He came towards me, smiling in the way that had once had the power to make my knees go weak. He was still as darkly handsome as ever, but I had long outgrown my infatuation for this man. ‘I was sure it was you I saw at that club some weeks ago. I made inquiries and traced you here. Your friend has just been telling me about Jon. I’m so very sorry. It must be a worry for you.’
‘Paul …’ I stared at him, a trickle of ice wending its way down my spine. The last time I’d seen James’s father, we had not parted on friendly terms. ‘What are you doing here? Why have you come?’
‘I just wanted to see you.’ He frowned, sensing my hostility. ‘Are you still angry with me? I know I said things I ought not to have said when we last met. I apologize for my behaviour then – and previously. I would like to be friends, Emma, perhaps to see James. I know I don’t deserve anything, but …’
‘No, I don’t think you do deserve any consideration from me, Paul.’ I was gripped by a sudden fear I could not explain. ‘You can’t see James. It would upset and confuse him. He hardly remembers Jon. He might think you were him, because of the uniform.’
‘You are angry,’ Paul said. ‘Please don’t be, Emma. I haven’t come to try and harm you or the boy. Believe me, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not a monster. I’ve regretted the way I treated you many times. Please try to forgive me.’
‘I don’t quite believe you, Paul. I’m sorry, but I really don’t think you should see James. At least, not until he is older and can understand. It would upset him too much.’
‘As you wish.’ He gave in more easily than I had expected. ‘I came home to fight for my country, but I shall be going back to America after the war ends.’ He hesitated, then, ‘I married an American girl, Emma. We have a daughter. She’s not quite three years old. When I last saw her she was just a baby.’
‘I see …’ Some of my alarm receded. ‘I’m glad you have a family, Paul. I’m sorry to be so stubborn, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see James. I could send you some photographs if you like?’
‘Would you? I should like that.’ He took a card from his pocket. ‘This is my address. I shall be there for a few more weeks at least.’
‘I’ll send them before that – but James is mine, Paul. You gave up all right to him long ago.’
‘Yes, I know that.’ He smiled oddly. ‘I was a fool – but there’s no use crying over spilt milk, is there?’
‘None at all.’ I offered my hand. Paul hesitated, then gripped it for a moment. ‘Goodbye and good luck, Paul.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say it’s goodbye, Emma. I dare say we shall meet again one day.’
I watched as Paul walked from the showroom. Something about his last words chilled me. But surely there was no need to be anxious? There was no way he could take James. My son did not even bear his name.
Sol came up to me. He looked at my face, then frowned.
‘What’s wrong, Emma? Did he upset you? He said he was a friend of yours.’
‘That was James’s father. He asked if he could see him. I refused. It’s silly, but I was frightened. Just for a moment I had the most awful feeling that he was going to try …’ I looked at Sol anxiously. ‘He couldn’t take James from me – could he?’
‘No, of course not. Don’t worry, Emma. We wouldn’t let him if he tried. If you had been living alone in poor conditions, he might have had a case for applying for custody – but as it is, he doesn’t stand a chance. Believe me, there’s no need for you to worry.’
‘No, of course not. It was just a foolish idea that he might try to get James.’ I laughed as the fear passed. ‘I was being silly.’
‘It is never foolish to be on your guard, Emma. Children have been snatched in such cases before this, but it isn’t going to happen to James. I promise you. Besides, it was probably just a whim on his part. Maybe he saw you by chance and decided to trace you out of a sentimental urge to relive his past.’
‘He has a wife and daughter in America.’
‘There you are then,’ Sol said. ‘Why should he want your son when he has his own family?’
‘I don’t suppose he does, not really. His wife is hardly likely to want a child of a former girlfriend is she?’
‘So you can stop worrying,’ Sol said. ‘Come and look at this new dress, Emma. It’s a bit like one we used to make, but we’ve come up with some new features …’
I went with Sol to inspect the new dress, which had a gored skirt, lots of fancy stitching, a wide belt that cinched into the waist, and elbow length sleeves. My nerves had stopped jangling, but I couldn’t help wishing that Paul had not seen me at the social club.
I would feel safer when I was sure he had gone back to America, and I decided I would not tempt fate by sending Paul pictures of my son.
When I got home that evening, the house was in an uproar. I could hear the voices raised in dispute the moment I entered the house. I went into the parlour, stopping in surprise as I saw Nanny and Pam standing awkwardly in front of a very angry Margaret.
‘What is going on?’ I asked. They had all gone silent as I entered, the faces of both Nanny and Pam looking rather anxious and a little guilty. ‘Why are you angry, Margaret?’
‘I’m so sorry, Emma,’ Margaret said. ‘There has been an unfortunate accident …’
‘Has something happened to James?’ My heart stood still as I had visions of my son somehow being snatched in the park.
‘Not James,’ Margaret said. ‘Mrs Rowan is with him now. It’s poor little Lizzy. She had a tumble down the nursery stairs.’
‘She fell down the stairs … but surely …’ I looked at Nanny and then Pam. ‘Why was she on the stairs?’
They both started to speak at once, their voices sharp with accusation.
‘It’s not my fault, Mrs Reece. I only turned my back for a moment and she was off …’ Nanny rushed into excuses.
‘Mrs Rowan called me for my lunch,’ Pam said. ‘I’d hardly got down to the parlour when I heard Lizzy scream – I ran back, and there she was lying at the foot of those wretched stairs, her poor little arm twisted under her.’
‘Is she badly hurt?’ I asked, feeling alarmed and distressed.
‘Her arm is fractured,’ Margaret said. I took her to the hospital myself, Emma. They are keeping her in overnight, to make sure she has suffered no other injuries, but she was very frightened and in some pain I’m afraid. However, they gave her a drink with something in it to make her sleep after her arm was set, and she was quite peaceful when I left her.’
‘Poor little child,’ I said, and looked at Nanny. ‘How did it happen? Didn’t you notice that she wasn’t in the nursery?’
‘Master James and the girl were quarrelling over toys again,’ Nanny said, a look of resentment in her eyes. ‘I gave Lizzy a smack and put her in her cot, but she must have climbed out of it after I went to prepare lunch for her and Master James. The next
thing I heard was screaming – and then Pamela came rushing up and started to accuse me of having let the child fall. It’s that frayed carpet, Mrs Reece. She caught her foot in it. I’ve mentioned it to you before – dangerous that carpet is. It’s a wonder that one of us hasn’t tripped on it before now.’
‘Yes, I know it is dangerous,’ Margaret said, looking upset. ‘I’ll ask Sol to take it up immediately. We might not be able to get a decent carpet at the moment, but we can probably buy some cord or something. Anyway, the carpet comes up this evening as soon as Sol gets home, even if we have to have bare boards.’
‘I can do it,’ I said. ‘Pam will give me a hand – won’t you?’
‘Yes, of course,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry, Emma. I feel terrible. They were playing quite happily together when I left. I didn’t dream anything like this would happen.’
‘No, of course you didn’t,’ I said. ‘And nor did Nanny when she put Lizzy in her cot. However, I don’t think it was a good idea to leave them entirely alone, Nanny. Perhaps in future one of you could always be with them, at least while they are still at this initial stage of settling in.’
She pursed her lips in disapproval. ‘It’s that Lizzy, madam. We never had any trouble until she came.’
‘Oh, she isn’t really any trouble at all …’ Pam seemed as if she wanted to add more, then changed her mind. ‘They are both rather high-spirited children, both determined to have their own way – there’s bound to be quarrels sometimes. Especially when Lizzy tries to get into the pedal car. James protects that very fiercely. He usually doesn’t bother about the other things, and of course Lizzy has several toys of her own now. But she does try to take the car every now and then …’
‘She does it deliberately, because she knows Master James won’t have it,’ Nanny said. ‘It would be just the same if you got her her own car. She likes to make him cross. She is a born troublemaker.’