by Rosie Clarke
‘Do you think Jon knows that?’ I shook my head and Jack took a step towards me. ‘How will he feel when you turn from his loving? I don’t mean the scars, Emma. You could accept those. You are strong enough – but can you forget this? Can you live without it?’
Before I knew what he meant to do, Jack swept me into his arms. His embrace crushed the breath from my body, and his kiss sent my senses swirling. Against my will, I responded, melting into him, surrendering myself to the heat of desire and the pleasure of his lips on mine.
While he kissed me, I could think of nothing else but my need of him. I wanted him, wanted him to make love to me, hungered for the touch of his hands. I wanted to feel him lying by my side, the burn of his hard, firm flesh against mine, the excitement and satisfaction only he could give me.
Then at last he let me go. As I gazed up into his eyes, I saw a kind of pleading there and I knew his need was as great as mine.
‘I do love you, Jack,’ I whispered. ‘I want you so much …’
‘Come away with me, Emma. Jon will never live in the real world again. It would be cruel to expect it. Why can’t you accept that? Why can’t you see that it’s wrong for him and wrong for you? You are forcing him to go through so much pain, unnecessary pain. Let him go, let him find a dark hole to crawl in and lose himself. It would be so much kinder. You are throwing away all that we had, all that we could have together in the future – and for all the wrong reasons.’
‘Jack I can’t …’ I cried. I was hurting so badly.
He was tearing me apart. ‘I just can’t.’
‘That’s your final decision?’ His eyes burned into me. ‘I’m asking, Emma, but I won’t beg.’
I nodded miserably and he turned away. He was leaving and I couldn’t bear it! I loved him, wanted him – needed him. I reached out and caught his coat sleeve.
‘Jack, couldn’t we … be together? Just once more? While you’re in London …’ I knew it was wrong even as I spoke the words, but I was desperate. ‘You might come back to London sometimes. We could see each other …’
‘You would be willing to grant me a few favours? Is that what you’re offering, Emma? You want to be my mistress …’
‘No – it isn’t like that. I just thought …’ Of course I hadn’t thought at all. I’d spoken impulsively, out of need and a desperate longing.
‘What is it like then?’ Jack’s face had gone hard. ‘You want both of us, is that it? You can’t give up your precious duty, but you don’t want Jon, not in your heart. You want me.’ His eyes flashed with fury. ‘I was willing to admire you for what you were doing, Emma. I was hurt that you were prepared to give up what we had, and I meant to take you from him if I could – but now …’ He paused and the look in his eyes made me feel faint. ‘I’m not sure I know you. You are a selfish little bitch, Emma. You want to play Florence Nightingale in public, make everyone think how wonderfully selfless you are – but behind the scenes you’re willing to carry on an affair with me. You want to keep me on your string … prolong the agony. But you won’t give up your foolish ideals for me. You don’t care that you’ve broken my heart …’
‘Oh, Jack, please don’t,’ I begged. I held back the tears. His cruel words were tearing me to shreds but I deserved them. How I deserved them! What I had suggested was despicable and it shamed me. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you …’
‘Do you really care? Do you care for anyone but yourself? You like to play the good friend, but deep down you do it for your own satisfaction. I don’t think you know what love really is …’
I lashed out at him, striking him across the face. He made no attempt to stop me or to hit me back, but the expression in his eyes hurt more than any blow.
‘You have no right to say such things to me, Jack,’ I cried shrilly. ‘I have loved you – you know that …’
‘Mummy …’ We both heard the child’s voice and turned as one to see James standing in the doorway in his night-clothes. ‘Daddy … why are you shouting at Daddy?’
I felt a coldness deep inside me as I saw the accusation in my son’s eyes. How had he come to hear us? Our voices could not have carried to the nursery, and he seldom came down at night – should not have been allowed out of the nursery alone.
‘Hi there, son.’ Jack took a couple of steps towards the door and James rushed at him. He was swept up into Jack’s arms, tossed into the air. His gleeful cries made my heart ache. ‘What are you doing up, young man? You should have been asleep ages ago.’
‘Saw you from the window,’ James said, giggling with excitement. ‘I wanted to see you, Daddy. Are you back now?’
Jack’s eyes met mine across the room. I knew what he was telling me. It was not just our lives I had blighted by my stubborn refusal to give Jon up. When Jack went away for good, it would hurt my son. He loved Jack and he was going to be badly hurt when he began to realize he wouldn’t be seeing Jack again. ‘Jack has to go home,’ I said. ‘He will be away for a long time.’
‘No!’ James burst into noisy tears and clung to Jack, winding his arms about his neck. ‘Stay with James. Daddy not go away again. Bad Mummy! Mummy not send Daddy away …’
‘Hang on,’ Jack said, holding the boy away from him so that he could look at his face. He frowned as he saw how desperate James was. Until this moment he had had no true idea of how much the boy adored him. ‘No more tears, son. Daddy will come back and see you one day. I promise. But you mustn’t cry. I don’t want you to cry like this. Big boys don’t cry. Understand?’
James stared at him. He was torn between making a scene and obeying the man he adored. ‘Promise? You promise you will come back?’
James was growing up fast. Sometimes he reverted to his baby talk, but more often now he was beginning to put whole sentences together.
‘That’s a promise between you and me, James,’ Jack said. ‘When I come, it will be just to see you. Don’t blame your mummy for my going away. I have to go and defeat that nasty Mr Hitler. There’s more work for Daddy. Do you understand me?’
James nodded. I wasn’t sure whether he understood about the war or not, though he must have heard it mentioned many times, but he understood the note of authority in Jack’s voice.
‘You will come back? To see me?’
‘One day,’ Jack promised. ‘Until then, you’ve got to be a real man and look after Mummy for me.’
‘Jack …’
‘Mrs Reece. I’m so sorry,’ Sarah apologized as she came in at that moment. ‘I went to check on him and realized he must have slipped down here. He is getting so adventurous. There’s no keeping him in the nursery these days.’
‘James ought to go to school,’ Jack said as his nurse scooped him up and carried him off to the sound of loud protests. ‘I know he’s young, but he’s too active to be kept as a baby any longer – and he shouldn’t be just with adults. He needs the company of other children.’
I bristled angrily. I had been grateful for what he’d said to James about his going away not being my fault – but James was my son. I would do as I thought best for him.
‘He isn’t alone,’ I said. ‘I have a little girl visiting while her mother is away. They are company for each other.’
Jack’s eyes narrowed. ‘If I’d been here, I would have sent him to a nursery school before this,’ he said. ‘That child needs to be stimulated; he needs a challenge and a firm hand. Otherwise he will make trouble for himself. But that’s your own business, Emma. I shan’t interfere, even though the boy means a lot to me.’
‘I do love you, Jack,’ I said, as his eyes seemed to burn into me. ‘Whatever you think … I always shall.’
‘You don’t love me enough,’ he replied and I heard the bitterness in his voice. ‘If you did, you would have moved heaven and earth to be with me. I was willing to do it for you.’
I had no answer for him. He stared at me for a few minutes longer, then he turned and walked from the room without another word. I let him go. There was nothing left to
say …
Chapter 16
I wept that night, deep, bitter tears that drained me of all feeling and emotion. I knew that Jack would not come to me again. He had asked, but he would not beg. I had sent him away, hurt him, disgusted him with my suggestions of a clandestine love affair. It was over. My dreams of being his wife, all gone.
His bitter words of rejection had struck me to the heart, but perhaps I had deserved them. I had spoken out of my need, but it was wrong. If I could not give Jack the whole-hearted love he wanted, I should not have offered anything else. He had rejected me, because deep down he was an honourable man.
He might sail near to the wind in matters of business, but in every other way he was a decent man. I could not have loved him so much if he had not been. I should never have offered to be his mistress – because that was exactly what I had offered.
Such bitter words had been spoken! And like the speeding bullet that strikes its victim to the heart, those words, once unleashed, could not be recalled.
I knew I would never forget the look in Jack’s eyes as he spurned my offer. I would carry his scorn to my grave.
There were moments during that night when I almost wished I could die. I was so close to despair that I could not see how it was possible to carry on.
I had been given such a precious gift in Jack’s love, a gift I had thrown away. Perhaps I had not truly realized how I had been favoured by the gods until now, when it was too late.
It was so very hard to bear my loneliness, but I knew that I would. I had made my choice and I would stand by it come what may.
‘Jon doesn’t want to see anyone else just yet.’ I was aware of Mrs Reece’s indignation even as I spoke. ‘He asked me to visit and explain. He is sorry, but it would be too much for him at the moment.’
‘You are just saying that to stop me seeing him,’ she cried, her voice sharp with accusation. ‘How dare you suggest that it would be too much for him? I’m his mother. I have as much right to see Jon as you!’
‘Emma knows best, Dorothy,’ Pops said, looking at me anxiously. ‘How is he really, my dear? Please tell us the truth.’
‘The scarring isn’t so very bad,’ I said. ‘Not once you get over the initial shock.’ I had been to visit Jon three weekends in a row and hardly noticed anymore. ‘But his chest is weak, and sometimes he finds it difficult to breathe. We walk round the garden together, but we have to stop often for him to rest.’
Mrs Reece was crying bitterly. I could understand how she felt and was sorry for her distress.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I did ask Jon if I could take you down next weekend, but he said no. He doesn’t want you to see his face until the doctors have improved his appearance. Sister won’t let you see him if you go. She is a dragon where her patients are concerned. I’m not allowed to visit this weekend, because he’s having the first of his operations. There’s some tightness at the corner of his eye, which they are going to relieve. I shall not be able to visit until the following Saturday.’
‘It’s so unfair,’ she wept, dabbing at her eyes with her handkerchief. ‘I don’t understand. Why did it have to happen to Jon? He never harmed anyone in his life.’
I looked at Pops but didn’t say anything. Jon had done many things during his time with the French resistance. He was fighting his memories, but I knew he sometimes had nightmares.
That weekend I decided to take James to visit my mother. I could not manage to find enough petrol to drive down, so I took my son on the train. The novelty excited him, and he hardly kept still the whole journey. He had been sulky with me ever since he’d witnessed my quarrel with Jack, refusing to hug or kiss me, and looking at me with reproachful eyes whenever I tried to talk to him. However, the train journey brought him out of his moods, and after a few hours with my mother he seemed more like himself.
After James was in bed that evening, we sat talking by the fire. Mum with her sewing and me with some knitting.
‘So what are your plans for the future, Emma?’
‘I’m making a cardigan for Lizzy. It’s just pearl and plain. I can’t do fancy stitches the way you do.’
‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ She frowned at me. ‘I’m talking about you, Emma. Your life. Are you going to open another shop here in March? Gwen was asking, and so was Mary. There’s an empty shop to rent almost next door to Madge Henty. You could sell children’s clothes there, and Gwen could keep an eye on the place for you. I don’t mind serving a couple of mornings a week myself.’
‘Perhaps.’ I sighed. ‘I’m not sure, Mum. Somehow I can’t think straight at the moment. There doesn’t seem much point to anything.’
‘You’re pining for Jack.’ Mum gave me a straight look, reminding me of my beloved Gran. As she got older, the likeness had begun to show more. ‘I never thought I would ever have to say this to you, Emma – pull yourself together, my girl! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. So you’ve lost the man you wanted. That’s sad, but so have thousands of others. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for. If you’ll take my advice, you will go and have a look at that shop tomorrow. Keep busy. It has worked for you before, and will again.’
I knew she was right. For the past few weeks I’d been living in a haze of pain, going through the motions, coming to life only when I visited Jon. The only way I could cope with the agony of losing Jack had been to block everything out, but it was over. I had to think about the future, to plan for the time when I could bring Jon home.
I took my mother’s advice and went to see the shop in the High Street. It was a decent size and had been a book shop. I knew at once that it was ideal for what we planned, and my spirits lifted as I began to think about the refurbishment. We could keep some of the shelving, but we would need cabinets and a glass counter.
It was on offer for sale or rent. At first I thought I would have to rent it, but Sol asked me how much I would need to buy the property.
‘Six hundred pounds,’ I told him. ‘I do have the money, Sol – but it would take most of my capital. I shan’t have enough for the stock.’
‘Yes, you will,’ he said. ‘You’re quite a rich young woman, Emma.’
‘What do you mean? I stared at him in surprise.
‘You’ve several thousand pounds coming to you. Most of your money was invested abroad at the start of the war. I’m not sure exactly how much you will get when those investments are realized, but there will be a healthy profit. You might get as much as three times what you put in. In the meantime, I’m willing to advance you a thousand or two.’
‘A thousand pounds is more than enough,’ I said. ‘If you can really spare it, Sol. I’ll ask my lawyers to buy the property and start looking for suitable stock.’
‘That’s the way, Emma,’ Sol said and smiled at me. ‘You’ve been a bit down recently – but you’ll feel better once you’ve got a new project on the go.’
‘Yes, perhaps I shall.’
I did not believe that I would ever rid myself of the dull ache in my heart, but in time it might be easier to accept. For the moment all I could do was work – and visit Jon.
Margaret had a heavy cold. She had been coughing for almost a week, and did not look at all well. It was November and the weather was unpleasant, damp, murky nights and days when the fog hardly cleared.
‘I should feel better if we could have some frost,’ she said to me that morning, and then coughed several times. For a moment she seemed to fight for breath and I was alarmed. ‘This dank weather doesn’t suit me at all.’
‘Do you think you should have the doctor?’
I felt anxious about her. She looked slightly feverish. I had planned to spend the weekend with Jon, but now I was in two minds whether to go or not.
‘Should I stay with you this weekend? I can visit Jon next week, when you’re feeling better.’
‘You mustn’t disappoint him. He looks forward to your visits so much,’ she said and smiled at me. ‘There are plenty of people in this house, Emma. I sha
n’t be alone.’
‘No, of course not.’
Margaret hated anyone to make a fuss over her health. I knew she would be well cared for, and it was just a cold – yet I was uneasy as I set out that weekend. Margaret had been considered delicate for years, but this time I couldn’t help feeling that she might be really unwell.
‘Mrs Reece …’ Sister called to me as I passed her office that Saturday afternoon. ‘May I speak to you for a moment please?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I followed her into her office. ‘Is something wrong? Jon isn’t worse?’
‘No, as a matter of fact he seems better than he has for a while. His last operation was successful, as you know. I wanted to ask … His mother telephoned me this morning. She asked if she could visit soon. Do you think she could cope with her son’s appearance?’
‘She is not an easy person to understand or deal with,’ I said. ‘But I may be prejudiced. She does not care for me much – but I believe she sincerely loves Jon. You must ask him if he would like to see her. I would think it might be best if she waits a little longer, but perhaps I am wrong.’
‘No, Mrs Reece. I think I agree with you. I have asked her to wait for a little longer. She was quite upset about it, so I thought I would speak to you. I don’t want to be unfair to her, but Jon must come first.’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll visit her again – tell her that his scars are still rather startling until you get used to them.’
We talked for a few minutes, then I walked along the hall to Jon’s room. He smiled as he saw me. His operation had eased some of the tightness around his eye, but there was still a long way to go.
‘Would you like to go for a drive in the car?’ I asked after I had kissed him. ‘Sister says I can take you to the village today. There’s a nice little teashop. We could have tea there – if you felt up to it?’
‘My first step back to the outside world?’ Jon arched his brows, a mocking smile on his lips. ‘I know about the teashop, Emma. The staff and customers are used to us now – they don’t stare or faint at the sight of us. Yes, why not? I’m beginning to feel less of a freak.’