by Rosie Clarke
‘It wasn’t a sacrifice, Sheila. I love Jon. He is a wonderful man.’
Sheila nodded. ‘Well, Jane seemed to think you were some kind of saint.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Have you seen my cousin Annie recently? I went back to her old house, but someone said she’d moved ages ago.’
‘Yes, I know. She and her family live in a prefab. Her eldest daughter works for me, and the younger ones are going to start when they leave school. Annie manages one of the shops for me now. She could only do a few hours to begin with, but now works a full day.’
‘Can you give me her address?’
‘Yes, of course. I’m sure she would like to see you.’
‘I’m not too sure about that. The last time I saw her she said she was finished with me for good – but perhaps she will think differently now. Anyway, you and me can talk to our hearts’ content this next two days.’ Sheila grinned at me. ‘Where shall we go?’
‘We can’t go too far,’ I said, ‘or we’ll spend all our time travelling. I’ll think about it, Sheila, perhaps ring a few hotels, see where we can get booked in at short notice.’
‘And you’ll talk to Lizzy,’ Sheila said, looking a bit awkward. ‘Explain that it’s just a little holiday …’
‘Yes, I’ll tell her,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry, Sheila. You haven’t seen Lizzy and James together yet. They are close friends and it would have upset them both had you wanted to take her away.’
‘I knew she would be all right with you,’ Sheila said, her awkwardness vanishing. ‘I told you to put her in a home if you didn’t want her, but I knew you wouldn’t.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I would never do that …’
‘So all’s well that ends well,’ Sheila said. ‘I can give you money towards her keep now, Emma.’
‘Perhaps you can send her some pocket money,’ I replied. ‘I’ll leave that to you and Lizzy …’
‘You’re a glutton for punishment,’ Sol exclaimed when I told him I was taking two days off for a short holiday with Sheila and the children. He frowned at me. ‘She’ll let you down again, Emma. You would be a fool to trust her.’
‘No, I don’t think she will do anything to harm me or Lizzy,’ I replied. ‘Sheila had a bad time during the war, that’s all. She sent Lizzy to me when she went off with Todd because we were friends, and that shows she trusted me to look after her. I think she will be straight with me now.’
Sol shook his head, clearly unconvinced.
My mother was even more forthright when I telephoned her with my news.
‘Have you lost your wits, Emma? That woman used you before, and she will do so again. You should have more sense!’
‘What Sheila did hasn’t harmed me. I’ve loved having Lizzy live with us. And the rest of it is water under the bridge, Mum. Anyway, how are you – and Bert?’
My mother’s second husband was the best thing that had ever happened to her. After enduring years of unhappiness tied to my father, she had married her first love just before the start of the war. Unfortunately, Bert Fitch had been having bronchial trouble for the last few winters, which had left his chest a bit weak, and I knew Mum worried about his health.
‘He’s a little better this morning,’ she said. ‘But he’s not the man he was a few years back, Emma. He gets terrible tightness in his chest, and the coughing pulls him down sometimes.’
‘I was going to ask if you wanted to come when I take the children on their proper holiday next month. You and Bert – or you on your own – but you won’t feel like leaving him?’
‘We’ll see,’ she said. ‘I wouldn’t mind a holiday, and it would do Bert good to be by the sea for a few days. Where were you thinking of going?’
‘I thought I might take a house – somewhere in Cornwall.’
‘I see …’ She sounded interested, Sheila forgotten. ‘A house in Cornwall … that would be lovely. All together as a family. I’ll definitely give it some thought, Emma.’
I was smiling as we hung up. Mum had been feeling a little down recently. Her own health had never been really good, but she’d been so much better since she married Bert. She came to stay with me in London sometimes, and I took James down to stay with her in my home town of March. There wasn’t much going on in the small Cambridgeshire market town, but I liked visiting my friends, and there were the three shops to consider.
My father’s sister looked after them for me on a day to day basis. She had discovered a talent for shop keeping after her own mother died, and I never bothered to do more than check on our stock levels so that I knew what to send Madge Henty, my partner in the dress shop, and for the children’s wear shop, which was just next door. Gwen ran that, and the newsagent and tobacconist shop that had been my father’s, like clockwork.
I would have asked Gwen if she would like to come with us to Cornwall, but I knew she would be too busy. Besides, she preferred to live her own life, and I knew she had made a lot of friends in March. She had her own little car now, and Mum had hinted that she might be courting. She had already told me that she was going to close the shop for ten days in July while she had a holiday in Yarmouth.
It was a long time since I’d taken the children anywhere other than to my mother’s or to stay in Hunstanton at Pam’s sister’s boarding house. They were excited at the prospect of going away for two days, though Lizzy had pulled a face when I told her her mother was coming with us.
‘Don’t want her to come,’ she said, a look of apprehension in her eyes. ‘I want to stay with you and James. Don’t let her take me away, Emmie. I don’t want to leave you.’
‘She won’t take you away,’ James said fiercely, but with an anxious look in my direction. ‘We shan’t let her – shall we, Mum?’
‘Lizzy’s mother doesn’t want to take her away,’ I reassured them with a smile. ‘She has just come on a short visit, and she wants to have a little time with Lizzy. We’ll all be together. I’m not sending you on your own, Lizzy.’
Lizzy came to me, clinging to the full skirt of my dress. ‘I love you, Emmie, and James. I never want to leave you.’
‘Not even when I punish you by not letting you go to the pictures?’
She gazed up at me, her eyes wide and earnest. ‘Not even then. I like living here with you and James.’
‘Then I expect you will stay with us,’ I said. ‘But you might change your mind when you see your own mother again, Lizzy.’
She shook her head, a look of determination on her face.
‘Lizzy can’t go away. I want her here.’
James had that mutinous expression in his eyes, and a hint of accusation hung about him, as though he were blaming me for something. It did not seem to matter how often I showed my love for James, there was always that little bit of uncertainty in his mind.
It was my fault, I knew that. I had allowed him to learn to love Jack Harvey and he would always blame me for sending his daddy away. Looking back I saw how hard that must have been for him. And of course I was not always around when he needed me.
‘I want her here, too,’ I said, ‘but Sheila is Lizzy’s mother. She has a right to see her sometimes, darling. Lizzy isn’t your sister; she is your friend. You must accept that, even though she lives with us, she might have to leave one day.’
James didn’t answer, but his mouth had set in a hard line. I knew there would be trouble if Sheila did try to part them.
However, I need not have worried. I had booked into a small but prestigious hotel in Southend-on-Sea, and we took the children down on the train. Sheila bought them sweets, colouring books, crayons and a box of puzzles for the journey, which kept them amused. By the time we arrived Lizzy’s hostility towards her mother had faded.
We spent the next two days spoiling them both. We took them on the pier, letting them play with the penny slot machines as much as they liked, bought them fish and chips wrapped in newspaper to eat on the beach, ice creams and sticks of peppermint rock.
James went on the donkeys, but Lizzy
thought they were smelly creatures and would only watch from a safe distance.
During the day, our time was devoted to the children. The weather was kind to us, the sun warm enough to make it pleasant to sit in a sheltered spot on the beach or pier. We took the children shopping on Friday morning. Sheila bought Lizzy some pretty shoes and a new dress, and I bought James a new engine for his train set, which was so magnificent that it took up half the floor of the playroom at home.
When they were safely in bed on the Friday evening, Sheila and I sat in the hotel lounge and talked. The years seemed to roll back as we laughed about the time we had gone to the church social, me with Richard Gillows and Sheila with the man who was to become her first husband.
‘That all seems part of another world, like something out of the dark ages,’ Sheila said. ‘My life is so much better these days, Emma – and it’s all due to you.’
‘Why? I should have thought it was for an entirely different reason.’
‘Oh, yes, it’s because of Todd, too,’ she agreed, catching the teasing smile in my eyes. ‘I really care about him, Emma – and he loves me. He’s so jealous. I daren’t look at another man …’
‘I shouldn’t have thought you’d want to?’
‘No, of course I don’t – but you know what I mean.’ She looked a bit like the cat who had found the cream. ‘I’m so lucky now – and I might never have met Todd if you hadn’t made me help out at the social club during the war.’
‘According to Pam, you didn’t do much helping,’ I said, and laughed. ‘But I do know what you mean, Sheila. It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it? You’ve helped me, and I’ve helped you – that’s what friends are for.’
‘Yes, I suppose I did help you a bit when you were having a bad time with Richard,’ she said. ‘But I know I owe you, Emma. If there’s ever anything I can do …’
‘I’ll know where to come,’ I replied. ‘All I want is for you to let Lizzy stay with us, at least until the children are older. James would be so upset if you took her away.’
‘I told you, Todd doesn’t know about her,’ Sheila said. ‘I couldn’t have her with me if I wanted but …’ She looked at me oddly, slightly apprehensive, as if unsure of my reaction. ‘I wouldn’t mind doing this again one day. And I would like to send her things now and then … if you don’t mind?’
‘No, I don’t mind,’ I said. ‘I think it would be …’
The words died on my lips as I glanced across the room. Three men had just entered, and one of them was someone I knew well. The sight of him made my heart beat wildly. He was every bit as darkly handsome as he’d always been, though he looked older, a sprinkling of silver at his temples, but all the power, all the magnetism was still there.
‘What’s wrong?’ Sheila asked, looking at me in concern. ‘You’ve gone as white as a sheet.’ She turned to look over her shoulder, then nodded as she saw the reason for my shocked expression. ‘The man in the grey striped suit – that’s Jack Harvey, isn’t it?’
‘Yes …’ I felt breathless. ‘Yes, that’s Jack …’
The protests were drumming in my brain. What was Jack doing here, in this hotel? Why couldn’t he have chosen somewhere else? How could Fate be so cruel as to let him walk in here just when I’d chosen to come for a couple of days?
I prayed he wouldn’t see me. I hoped desperately he would leave again without glancing towards the settee near the window where I was sitting, but my prayers were in vain.
Jack was looking straight at me. He was frowning, his expression cold as ice. I thought he seemed angry, unforgiving. He stared at me for some seconds, our eyes meeting briefly before mine dropped, then he turned and spoke to one of his companions.
I watched from beneath lowered lashes as the three men walked out of the room together. Jack did not look at me again as he left. For a moment I felt as if I had been struck across the face.
‘Well, that was a bit rude of him,’ Sheila remarked. ‘He might have come across to say hello.’
‘We had an argument before he left to go back to America,’ I said, feeling sick and shaken. ‘It was after the invasion of Europe, but before the war was really finished. He said then that there was nothing left to say – obviously he didn’t want to speak to me.’
‘He might have nodded or something,’ Sheila said, looking concerned. ‘Are you all right? He has upset you, hasn’t he?’
‘Yes …’ I took a deep breath to stop myself shaking. ‘It was just the shock of seeing him like that. I had no idea he was in the country. I haven’t heard from him – or of him – for years.’
Sheila hesitated, then, ‘So you didn’t know he was married?’
‘Married?’ My heart twisted with pain. There was no reason why Jack should not have married, of course, but it was a shock and I hadn’t expected the news to hurt so much. ‘No, I hadn’t heard.’ I swallowed hard, my throat dry. ‘When … how long?’
‘About three months ago,’ Sheila said. ‘Before we left America on our European tour. In April, I think. I’m sorry, Emma. If Jane Melcher didn’t tell you, I probably shouldn’t have … I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t done out of spite, believe me.’
‘No, of course not,’ I said. My head was beginning to clear a little. ‘I would rather know … I would rather know …’
That wasn’t quite the truth. Alone in my hotel room that night, I found myself unable to sleep, and tossed restlessly on my pillows as the thoughts tumbled in my mind.
Jack was here in England. I had no real need to wonder what had brought him to Southend. Knowing Jack, it would be business. He was a wealthy, powerful man and had always been caught up in some deal or other even during the war.
I switched on the bedside lamp, reaching for the library book I had brought with me. It was Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful And The Damned, which I had wanted to read for a long time, but I was too disturbed to settle to it. Sheila’s news had shocked and distressed me, and the words blurred on the page.
Jack married … What was she like, his wife? Was she pretty? She would be, I knew that. Much prettier than me. Did he love her? Were they as good together in bed as Jack and I had been?
The stupid, petty jealousies were like needles in my flesh. I wanted to scream or cry, but there was no sense in giving way to my feelings.
I had thought I was over the pain of losing Jack, but it was back, cutting me to the bone. I was still in love with him, as much as ever, and very aware of what I had thrown away.
This was madness. I must not let myself think this way!
‘You made your bed, lass, now you must lie on it.’ I seemed to hear my beloved Gran speaking to me down the years. She had been a very wise lady, and I knew she would scold me for letting myself look back with regret.
‘No regrets, Emma. Look to the future.’
I had made my choice. I had chosen Jon and sent Jack away. I knew I would do the same if I was forced to make that choice all over again … so why did I feel like weeping?
I prayed that I would not bump into Jack any more. We were leaving Southend on the Saturday afternoon, and the children wanted to go on the pier again before we caught our train. With any luck I would not be forced to see Jack again. I could push the memory of him back to a corner of my mind, where it could not hurt me – at least, not as much as it was hurting now.
‘Mum, when can we do this again?’ James demanded as we walked back to the hotel, loaded down with our parcels. Sheila had enjoyed spending money on both children, and I had not tried to stop her, so they had lots of good things to take home. ‘It was fun. I want to stay in a hotel again one day soon.’
‘I was thinking I might take a house in Cornwall for a few weeks next month,’ I replied. ‘Grandma and Bert could come with us – and Sarah. It would be more fun like that … don’t you think so?’
James did not reply. I thought he was considering my question, but when I glanced down at him I saw he was staring at a man who was walking along the street
towards us.
‘Daddy …’ he yelled and started to run. ‘Daddy …’
My son had grown out of calling me Mummy since just after he started school, but Jack was still his daddy. That hurt somehow. My heart caught as I wondered how Jack would react. I watched as he suddenly became aware of the young boy charging eagerly towards him. For a moment he hesitated, then he started to grin and took swift steps to meet James, catching him up and swinging him off the ground.
‘Hello, son,’ he said, his manner natural, welcoming. ‘Well, this is a surprise. I was coming to see you in London next week. I’ve got a present for you.’
Sheila looked at me as I paused uncertainly.
‘Go on,’ she hissed. ‘Now’s your chance. Make him crawl, Emma. Tell him to get the hell out of your life.’
‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘James adores him.’
I walked towards Jack, my heart jerking, Lizzy still clinging apprehensively to my hand. ‘Hello, Jack,’ I said as I reached him. ‘I’m sorry about this …’
‘Why?’ His brows rose, and I could see him looking at Lizzy. He seemed angry, but was trying to conceal it, probably for James’s sake. ‘Because of last night I suppose. Well, I won’t deny it was a shock. I was with colleagues and thought it best not to intrude. I was going to call next week … to see James as I promised I would next time I was in London.’ He ruffled James’s hair, something that would have made my son squirm if I had done it, but which he seemed to enjoy coming from Jack. It was quite clear that whatever place Jon had in his life – Jack was his father. I doubted that he had thought about the meaning of the word. Jack was the daddy he recognized and loved.
I met Jack’s intense gaze. ‘You haven’t been back to London since the war?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I’ve had other things to keep me busy.’
‘Yes, so I believe.’ I raised my head, hoping no sign of my inner turmoil showed as I looked into his eyes. ‘I understand congratulations are in order?’
‘You mean because I’m married?’ I nodded and Jack’s expression became even colder, if that was possible.