by Juno Dawson
There’s a round of applause and a couple of people whoop. I let out an almighty breath, and it feels like twenty tonnes have been sucked off my shoulders. I smile, and start to return to my seat.
Mrs Collins returns to the mic. ‘And now for our final speaker.’
What? We’ve all spoken!
‘Please welcome Lois Parsons.’
There’s a round of applause, but I’m deaf to it.
Lois? Lois Lois?
What on earth is going on?
Lois, her left fist clenched at her side, marches up to the podium. I try to catch her eye as we pass on the stairs, but she seems to be determinedly avoiding my gaze.
‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she begins. ‘What does that loser think she’s doing? She’s not cool. She’s not popular. Well, I don’t care. I don’t think finding someone to represent our school should be about who’s the most popular, who has the nicest hair, who throws the best pool parties.’
Oh, Scarlett will make her pay for that.
‘It should be about making this school better. You might have noticed that I have a funny little arm. Do you have any idea how much this school sucks for someone with a disability? We have visually impaired students, we have deaf students, we have students with mental health problems – and what does our school do about it? The bare minimum. It’s not inclusion, we’re tolerated.’
I see some of the teachers shift uncomfortably. I’m still struggling to take all of this in – why didn’t Lois tell me she was going to do this? It feels like a personal attack.
‘And what does our school do about its bullying problem? According to the official records, last year there was no bullying at Brecken Heath. Yeah, whatever.’
There’s a murmur of agreement.
‘I’m definitely not the most “popular” candidate for head girl, but I’m probably the angriest. If I get your vote, I’m gonna shake things up more than any of the other candidates. I’m the only alternative you’ve got.’
And on that note, Lois finally does turn and look my way.
Chapter Thirteen
After the assembly, I pelt down the corridor until I catch up with Lois.
‘Lois! Wait up!’
With a sigh, Lois stops and turns to face me. Her expression is so sour, I hardly recognise her. I pause to catch my breath.
‘What was that all about?’
‘I think I said everything I wanted to say in my speech.’
‘Look, have I done something wrong?’
She slow-blinks at me incredulously. ‘Avery, are you that blind? You’re turning into Scarlett!’
It feels like a slap. ‘What? No I’m not. I’m trying to stop her!’
‘By going to her parties, and hanging out with her, and snogging her friends? Wow, you’re really bringing out the big guns.’
Aaaand I’m officially over her sarcasm.
‘Is this because I didn’t sit with you the other day?’
‘No, I’m not eleven. It’s because you’re A-List now. I don’t want our head girl to be A-List. End of.’
‘I’m not A-List, I’ll never be A-List. At least, not on the inside.’ Lois starts to walk away but I grab her by her funny little arm. ‘Lois, wait. Are we falling out about this? Seriously? You and me?’
She looks sad, just for a second.
‘Yeah. I think we are.’
She pulls her arm back and loses herself in the crowded hallway.
I don’t even realise Scarlett, Naima and Lucy are standing right behind me.
‘What’s her problem?’ Scarlett asks.
I feel almost winded. ‘She hates me.’
‘Natural selection, babes. You’ve outgrown her. Come on, let’s go and get smoothies.’
By now, I’ve lost sight of Lois. Scarlett takes my hand and I walk in the opposite direction with the A-List, feeling distinctly Z-List.
The next fortnight is a blur, as the campaign to be head girl kicks in and there’s little time to dwell on Lois. I miss her, but between the election and Seth I don’t have a minute to myself.
The posters Lucy made go up all over the school. It’s a simple picture of my face looking all Che Guevara, with bold, military lettering: VOTE AVERY FOR CHANGE. Simple but effective.
I have pin badges made with the same revolutionary-looking icon, and wander the school at break-times, making sure as many people as possible get one. Very few people ask about my policies, only about what free stuff I’m giving away. Lucy helps me to canvas, much to Scarlett’s annoyance.
Scarlett is clearly feeling threatened. She’s bringing in mini cupcakes and glossy invites to her party. She talks to girls she’s never spoken to before like they’re old friends. She’s putting up a good fight.
I talk to some of the outsider kids in Year 9. They’re all Pokémon and Nirvana T-shirts. If I can’t sew-up the freaks and geeks, I’m dead in the water.
‘So. Can I count on your votes?’ I ask them.
‘Maybe,’ says one girl with a pierced nose and purple hair. ‘Or I might vote for that Lois girl – she seems pretty hardcore.’
This is exactly what I feared. In fact, as Lucy and I meander around the grounds, scooping out the metaphorical belly-button of our school to find every last misfit-vote, we find Lois has beaten us to it:
‘That Lois seems pretty punk …’ ‘I liked what Lois had to say about bullying …’ ‘That Lois girl was the only one who actually stood for anything …’
In the end I crack. It’s while we’re talking to Carrie and Lin, two artsy girls in Year 10.
‘I dunno,’ says Lin. ‘I’ll either vote for you or Lois.’
‘Oh, come on, vote for me,’ I say. ‘Do you really want a T-rex as head girl?’
Lin and Carrie giggle, and I swear I feel my soul going directly to hell.
Chapter Fourteen
After school, I go with Seth to get Oreo milkshakes in town. It’s warm and sunny, and there’s a cute baby Chihuahua outside the shop, but I can’t get what I said to Lin and Carrie out of my head.
It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done.
OK, Lois isn’t actually ever going to hear about it (I pray), but how would I feel if I knew Lois had ever used the word ‘Pizzaface’ against me? It’s our version of an Unforgivable Curse. Avada Kedavra.
‘Are you OK?’ Seth asks.
I can’t bring myself to tell him what I said.
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’
‘You don’t seem fine.’
I sigh. ‘Why do you like me?’
He smiles and frowns at the same time and it’s totally hot.
‘What?’
‘I mean it. Why?’
‘I don’t know. I just do. Why are you asking?’
I stare into my milkshake. ‘Yeah. Well, I’m not sure I like myself very much at the moment.’
‘Woah, that’s heavy. Let me kiss it better …’
He leans over for a kiss.
It’s lovely, but you can’t kiss guilt away.
As soon as I walk through the back door into the kitchen (we only use the front door if the Queen visits) I know there’s something wrong. For one thing the television is playing quietly in the lounge.
‘Mum? Is that you?’ I hear her footsteps padding down the stairs. ‘Why are you home so early?’
I momentarily resent her – this is the only time of day I have the house to myself and I like to do strange ‘alone-time’ activities like weeing with the door wide open, flicking erratically through the music channels and sucking the chocolate off Kit Kats.
Then my stomach drops.
The last time Mum came home unexpectedly from work was because my Granddad had had a stroke.
‘Mum?’ I ask as she enters the kitchen. ‘Is Dad OK?’
‘What? Oh gosh, yes, it’s nothing like that. I just asked Nicola if I could have an hour of flexitime.’
There’s still something wrong.
‘Why?’
‘Sit down, Avery.’ She sits
at the kitchen table.
‘Why?’
‘Just do as you’re told, please.’ I slide into a chair. ‘Listen. Today I had a phone call …’ She takes a deep breath. ‘From Dr Hong.’
Oh, this isn’t good.
‘OK …’
Mum shakes her head sympathetically. ‘Ave, they’re stopping the Sebavectum trial immediately.’
My ears pop. Am I dreaming this? If so, I’d really like to wake up right now.
‘What?’
‘There’ve been cases in America of vitamin A overdoses being linked to the pills.’
I can hear my heart beating through my skull.
‘An overdose of vitamin A? How … how is that a thing?’
‘Dr Hong says it’s serious. He said it could lead to blindness or liver damage in the long-term. Apparently, for whatever reason, the body isn’t processing the vitamin A the way it should be. I’m sorry, Avery. He said it’s not necessarily the end of the road, but for now you have to stop taking those pills …’
I stop listening. The kitchen walls crumble down around me and the ground splits beneath my feet. It feels like I’m shrinking in my seat. It all unfurls in my head: no pills … no cure … spots.
I’m going to get spots again.
They’ll all come back.
My face. My skin.
My breathing becomes shallow and fast. I feel Mum’s arms around me and I cling to her.
I break. The tears come.
‘Please, Mum! I can’t! I can’t go back …!’ and then I can’t say anything else because I’m sobbing too hard, gulping at air. Mum presses me into her chest and I sob and sob.
Chapter Fifteen
And so my on-off, love-hate, dysfunctional relationship with the mirror is back on. We’re Sid and Nancy, we’re Amy and Blake, we’re Justin and Selena.
The next morning, having hardly slept a wink, I go to the bathroom mirror and check for signs that my skin is breaking out. I should have hidden a stash of Sebavectum somewhere, delayed the process.
The truth is, Dr Hong has no idea what’ll happen now. I was only ever meant to be on the medication for a year anyway, and that was supposed to permanently clear my skin. But I wasn’t on it for a year – I was on it for a month and a half.
Is this karma for what I called Lois? Do I deserve this? Probably.
I look hard at my reflection, a dark cloud in my expression. Almost like a reflex, I lash out at my own face. My clenched fist meets the mirror. The glass cracks like a spiderweb.
At first I don’t feel any pain, but I do see red squelch between my fingers where I’ve cut my knuckles.
‘Avery? Are you OK in there?’
Mum obviously heard me.
‘No!’ I cradle my hand and bite my lip. I won’t cry again.
I get about half way to school and then give up. Once I’m certain Mum will have left for work, I double back home and go straight to bed.
I don’t care about the stupid election any more. No one will vote for me if I’m covered in acne anyway. I don’t want everyone staring at the plasters on my hand and I know that, thanks to me, Dr Hong had other Sebavectum patients at school. Word travels fast. I don’t need people scrutinising my face daily. Waiting for Medusa to grow her snakes back.
I can only imagine the glee Scarlett will feel.
I pull the duvet over my head and pretend the world doesn’t exist.
I mope in and out of bed all day. Like a miserable hermit crab, I drag the duvet into the lounge and continue my sulk on the sofa, letting awful daytime TV wash over me. I can’t be bothered to prepare real food so I eat no less than six Müller Fruit Corners.
When I hear a knock at the door, I decide to ignore it. Whoever it is will give up and go away.
No such luck. I hear the letterbox creak open and a voice calling through the gap.
‘Avery! It’s Lucy and Lois! We know you’re in there!’
With a groan, I push the duvet off and pad through into the hall to see Lucy’s eyes peeping through the letterbox slot. I open the door.
‘Is this an intervention?’
‘Yes!’ Lucy says, forcing her way in. ‘Have you got anything to drink?’
Lois hangs back until I stand aside, and then follows Lucy in. I guide them into the kitchen.
‘Help yourself.’ My voice sounds so lifeless, and I remember I haven’t brushed my teeth all day. Gross. ‘There’s Coke and stuff.’
Lucy does help herself, and pours three glasses.
‘So,’ she begins. ‘They’ve stopped your medication?’
‘How did you hear?’
‘Avery, it was in this morning’s Metro.’
‘Oh.’
Now it’s in black and white, it makes it so much realer somehow. It’s hopeless. I can feel the tears coming again.
‘Don’t get upset,’ Lucy says, pulling me into a hug. ‘It’s going to be fine!’
‘How is it going to be fine?’ I say. ‘It’ll all go back to what it was like before!’
‘It won’t.’ There’s a determination in Lucy’s voice that I’m not sure I’ve heard before. ‘This time you’ll also have me. I have had so much fun being your campaign manager. I’d forgotten what it was like to have real friends. I’m not letting you go. Also, I’d like to be able to eat in public again.’
‘Oh, Scarlett will love that.’
Lucy rolls her eyes. ‘You know what? Scarlett needs to wake up and realise we’re not in Year 6 any more. I’m so bored of being told who and what to like and what to wear. I’m over it. Officially.’
I manage a smile. ‘But what about Seth?’
‘What about him? He’ll understand.’
‘Will he?’
‘Well, if he doesn’t, he’s not worth it,’ Lois finally speaks up. ‘Avery. I’m so sorry about the way I spoke to you the other day.’
‘No!’ I say. ‘You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m sorry. Lois, I got so carried away … I liked Seth and I liked … being one of the pretty people. I should have stood up to Scarlett. I’m so sorry.’
Lois shrugs. ‘I was just jealous, Avery. I was so jealous. You know what? If the tables had been turned, if I could have had a guy like Seth, if I could have sat with the A-List … I would have. There’s literally no one I wouldn’t have chucked under the bus.’
‘You wouldn’t.’
‘I would. I only ran for head girl to make it harder for you. So I am sorry. And then Lucy asked if I’d come over with her now …’
Lucy and Lois stand united.
Lucy smiles kindly. ‘Avery. We don’t care what your skin looks like. Honestly. What I like about you is how funny and cool you are! You also have the most amazing hair I’ve ever seen. Like, seriously.’
I laugh.
‘Ave, you have to come back to school tomorrow. There’s an election to win,’ Lois says.
‘No. No way. I can’t …’
‘You have to. I’m pulling out so we don’t split the vote. You have to beat Scarlett.’
‘People won’t vote for Pizzaface.’
‘Your skin looks fine!’ Lucy says.
‘For now …’
‘They will vote for you, because you’re real,’ Lois says. ‘Everyone has something, Ave. Everyone has a funny little arm, or big ears, or cellulite, or a stammer, or braces …’
‘Like me,’ Lucy says, pointing to her subtle Invisalign braces.
‘We all think we know what it’s like to feel different. We all wanna be the outsider. But we’re really the same. We’re all imperfect, and we hate Scarlett for pretending she isn’t. Just tell people the truth.’
I really might cry again, but a different type of tears.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to my face, but with Lucy and Lois at my side, I don’t feel quite so scared.
I return to school the next day. Lucy and Lois remain close at hand. Today, when we arrive at the canteen, the rest of the A-List are nowhere to be seen.
‘I’ll text
Rufe,’ Lucy says.
We join a table with Maddy from the netball team, and talk about the election. Jessica Wright joins us too. The freaks, the A-List and the Sports Queen, integrated. Who knew?
‘Rufus is with the others by the football pitch. Scarlett is telling people I’m psycho and stalking her and sending her hate mail. Well, of course I am.’
‘Ignore her,’ Lois says.
‘Rufus is heading over here. Shall I tell him to bring Seth?’
I inhale deeply. Sooner is better than later, I guess.
‘Tell him to meet me by the water fountain.’
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah.’
I drag my feet all the way there, delaying the moment. Seth’s already waiting for me.
‘Avery! Are you OK?’
I nod. ‘I’ll be fine. I think.’
‘I was worried about you.’
‘You didn’t have to be …’ I catch him scouring my face. ‘Are you looking at my skin?’
‘What? No! I just … people were saying …’
I smile a wry smile. ‘People have a habit of doing that.’
‘What did the doctor say? Are you, like, cured or will …’
‘Will the spots come back?’ I sigh. ‘Here’s a question: would it matter to you if they did?’ There’s a silent pause. The noisiest silence there has ever been. Wrong answer. ‘Well, that tells me everything I need to know, Seth.’
I turn to leave, satisfied I’m doing the right thing.
He starts after me. ‘Avery, wait! That’s not what I meant!’
I whirl back to face him. ‘Seth. We went to the same school for four years, every day, before you spoke to me. Why didn’t you talk to me before I was pretty?’
He’s speechless. ‘I … I … didn’t really see you.’
Again, wrong answer, babes.
‘You’ll see me now.’
I leave him standing by the water fountain. I imagine I’m walking away in slow motion, hair billowing in the wind, and honestly, it’s sort of a perfect TV moment.