“How in the ever loving Hell do you kill a motherfucker with your melons?” Martha demanded.
“Um… smother them?” another gal volunteered.
“No,” I shouted over the chatter that had started over the techniques on how to murder with your melons. Running my hands through my hair, I was really starting to second-guess the plan. The brainpower in the room was seriously lacking. “These are Master Vampyres we’re talking about. You will be used as a distraction method so Dickie and I can trap Vlad.”
“The cocksucker is the Impaler?” D#2 asked with a shudder.
“Yep,” Martha said. “You got it. Vlad the cocksucker Impaler is off limits. You do the booby bounce to distract his group of motherfuckers. Clear?”
They resembled a gathering of beautiful semi-nude bobble heads as their perfectly coiffed heads bounced in affirmation. Gareth glanced at me with a raised brow and I shrugged. As long as they kept the entourage at bay, we had a far better chance of taking Vlad alive—and an even better chance of coming out of this alive ourselves.
“Venus, give the specifics please,” Gareth ordered.
I responded exactly like I was trained to do. The simple fact that he regarded me as highly as Ethan did in terms of battle, calmed my soul and made me want to make him proud.
Stepping forward, I eyed the crowd. “No one works alone. You will team up in groups of five. At 5:30, I want you with your unit. You will hide yourselves in the dressing rooms. As soon as Vlad is in the Green Room, the mission begins. You’ll work as distraction—no engagement unless necessary.”
“With our tits,” D#1 added just in case anyone had missed the memo.
“It’s kind of like an opening number of the show,” D#5 announced to the room, breaking it down so it was more easily understood. “You stay in the wings until you hear the music and then you make your entrance—head high and bosom forward.”
“Will there be music?” someone yelled.
“Music would really help—something with a sexy beat,” a handler with light purple hair told me while demonstrating a move that belonged in a porn.
“Should we grease up?” D#4 asked.
“What does that even mean?” I asked, bewildered.
“Like body builders,” she replied with an eye roll as if I should have known what the Hell she was talking about.
“Your choice,” I told her, rolling my neck to relieve the tension they were causing.
“I think they should grease up,” Jane chimed in. “If a motherfucker tries to grab ‘em, they’ll slip right out of their slimy hands.”
“Okay,” Martha shouted even though no one was talking. “No to the music and yes to the grease. If anyone needs baby oil, I’ve got ten family sized bottles in my room. Go ahead, Boss Lady.”
“Mmm… kay. No music. Get greased up next door,” I replied, gritting my teeth.
Why Martha had a family sized case of baby oil in her room was something I was never going to touch. Staring at the ceiling for a brief moment, I kept my cool and continued. I couldn’t fix them, so I just needed to focus on their strengths. However, when this shit show was over I was going to train the handlers as well.
“Divide into eight units now.”
They did—quickly and efficiently. Of course a few sashayed into place, but I wasn’t sure some of them knew how to move in a regular manner. Overlooking their need to dance, I treated them as I would any unit—kind of.
“You will come out of hiding spaced two minutes apart.”
“That’s eight counts of eight,” Jane said standing next to me like an interpreter for the dance-impaired.
Giving her a curt nod of thanks and trying not to laugh or scream, I went on. “Unit one will come out at 6:05 and so on and so on. The best strategy is to separate them and flirt like there’s no tomorrow. Move them as far from the Green Room as possible.”
“Should we do them?” a tiny red headed handler inquired with a hopeful expression.
“Um… no, that’s not required,” I said, trying hard to keep a straight face. Never in my history as a general had I fielded questions like these.
“What if they’re hot?” she went on, gaining support from the interested troops.
“Probably a bad plan,” I stated as diplomatically as I could.
“But if we get their pants down, we could do some real damage,” the clearly undersexed red head insisted, miming removing a part of the male anatomy.
“I’m gonna leave that up to you. You’re a warrior, not a hooker,” I said firmly. “I’d also like to go on record saying everyone in this room could do far better than the scum we’re about to encounter.”
“Step over here,” Tiara ordered our makeshift troops, and then conjured up some deliciously sweet smelling pink dust. Tossing it over the crowd, she smiled with satisfaction.
“What’d you do?” Martha asked.
“Covered their scent with a little Fairy dust. Wouldn’t do to have Vlad and the boys know we’re there.”
Tiara was brilliant—loud, obnoxious and out there—but truly brilliant.
“Go with your unit and prepare for battle,” I instructed as my bizarre army squealed with glee and moon walked out of my suite—in unison.
This was either the best plan I’d come up with or the worst.
It simply remained to be seen.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Do you think we’re being smart taking him on here and not going to him? A surprise attack might be to our advantage,” I told Gareth, still concerned about the plan that was in place.
The bare assed army had gone to prepare and it was time to take a step past winging it and put a loose plan together.
“It’s a surprise no matter where we strike,” he pointed out correctly. “Ironically, there are three large manors in the direction that Claudia was taken with moats.” Gareth pressed the bridge of his nose and made a derisive noise. “Several of the Cressida House Vamps did a massive sweep and located them. At this point without more intel, we don’t know which one Vlad’s using. So no. But even if we narrowed it down, I’d rather not take him on his own turf. We stand a far better chance here. The likelihood is that he doesn’t know this place as well as we do.”
“Are the Cressida Vamps still in the area?” I asked, wondering which ones might be close.
“No, and it would be a bad plan to call in support. If Vlad catches wind of incoming, he’ll run. As bizarre as using the gals to distract the entourage might be, it’s brilliant.”
His praise felt wonderful, but I was still worried for the girls.
“Are there windows in the Green Room?” I asked, taking a seat on my new couch in my suite.
Apparently the hotel was familiar with destruction and bloodshed. My suite had been repaired and the bloodstained and broken furniture replaced. Upon entering the suite with my friends, and my naked army, I thought I was in the wrong room, but my key had worked and my suitcases were untouched. Had to be run by Vamps, otherwise we’d have been bodily removed from the premises—by human cops.
“None,” Jane confirmed. “No windows in the dressing rooms either. It’s a Vamp owned hotel. Sunlight means crispy skin, pissed off dead people, and raw hooters.”
“I’m sorry, raw what?” Gareth asked, closing his eyes in mental pain.
That was the old biddies best gift—death by words.
“Nothing,” Jane said. “Just a little Twilight experiment I tried that went completely fucking wrong.”
Ignoring the confusion Jane had caused with her comment, I nodded at what I’d already figured to be true. It made sense that a Vampyre beauty pageant would be held in a Vampyre run facility. This was excellent. Human casualties weren’t something any of us wanted on our conscience.
I examined the meticulous map of the entire auditorium and backstage area that Gareth had drawn out freehand and marveled at the detail.
“This is amazing,” I said, running my hand over the map. “You’re really good at this.”
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Gareth winked and a slow sexy smile pulled at his lips. “I’m good at a lot of things.”
“Get a room,” Martha mumbled, with a smirk.
Gareth’s raised brow made her zip it quick. He went from arrogant flirt to the Vamp in charge on a dime. It was all kinds of sexy, but I kept my game face on. There would be hundreds of years to flirt with him… and love him. I hoped.
“He’ll have to enter here,” Gareth said, pointing to the main entrance. “They’ll come through the house to get to the Green Room and Claudia will be waiting.”
“What about Sunny?” Jane asked. “Do we have anyone on her?”
“Outstanding point,” Tiara said, slapping Jane on the back in congratulations and sending her flying halfway across the room. “This one’s a keeper—mind like a steel trap and mouth like a sailor. I’d suggest putting Martha and Jane on the bitch to keep her occupied and away from the auditorium. She’ll never know what hit her.”
Jane crawled to her feet and preened like a peacock from Tiara’s praise. I simply thanked God that we’d all found each other. Gareth’s life and our future were on the line. I tried to push that to the back of my head so I could focus on the immediate, but it was impossible.
“You ladies up to distracting Sunny?” I asked.
“Can we maim her?” Jane questioned, waggling her eyebrows with excitement.
“Please do,” Claudia said.
“Let’s get changed, hooker,” Martha said to Jane as she hopped up and started running toward her room. “Can’t do it lookin’ like this.”
They were in their conservative Armani suits. What else did they have except for the Teenage Ninja Turtle nightgowns?
“Um… maybe you should just stick with the suits,” I suggested.
“Can’t fight no battle in this shit. Need my boob tube,” Jane said as she too headed for their suite.
“You don’t have boob tubes,” I reminded them. “Astrid burned your suitcases.”
“Yep, but she missed our backpacks,” Jane informed me with a wicked little smirk that made her look kind of cute in a deranged old lady kind of way.
Martha paused in the doorway and grinned like a loon. “I never go anywhere without my assless chaps, black socks, sandals, and a nice sequined polyester stretch tube top.”
“I gotta see this,” Tiara said with a laugh. “You two freaks are a hoot.”
“Finally, someone fucking appreciates us,” Martha yelled over her shoulder before she disappeared into her room.
Gareth chuckled and went back to the map. Watching him study it, made my heart soar and ache at the same time. There were about a thousand ways this could go wrong and only several ways it could go right.
“So I’m going by Juliette?” Claudia asked, wringing her hands nervously. “Do you want me to pretend to be her?”
Pondering the question, I glanced over. She was very similar to Juliette, but lacked the brittle hardness. However, a little makeup and hair would definitely help.
“I suppose if we got you up to speed on a few things only Juliette would know, it might throw him enough to give us an opening. However, he knows you’re not her, so if you drop anything, do it with caution,” Gareth said.
“Would you mind if I fixed you up?” I asked Claudia.
“Why? Do I look bad?”
Shaking my head, I laughed. “Not even a little bit, but I need to harshen you up some if we want your appearance to confuse him.”
“I’m in,” she said nervously, clasping Tiara’s hand for support.
“You’re gonna be great,” Tiara whispered, then hugged her and planted a sweet kiss on her head.
“Tiara, I don’t want you in the Green Room. As much as I trust your abilities, I think it will be difficult for you to refrain from attacking to kill,” Gareth said.
Tiara nodded tersely and kept Claudia close. “I’ll run command in the hallway then. However, I’ll stay close.”
“Fine,” Gareth replied and began to arm himself. “Venus, we’ll cloak ourselves and be in the room with Claudia.”
It was a plan with many deadly loopholes, but I couldn’t think of a better one.
Right now nothing seemed real. Gareth looked healthy—not like a dying man. If I compartmentalized, I could even pretend for a brief moment that we were just on some bizarre trip with nothing hanging over our heads—like death.
“Claudia, if you can get Vlad to remove his clothes it will be easier to dismember him. We want his arms and legs. If we can do that before he knows what hit him, we can wrap him in the blessed silver and transport him back to the Cressida House,” Gareth told her, checking that we were all armed.
“You need help transporting?” Tiara asked.
“You can transport groups to places you haven’t been?” Gareth asked, surprised.
Gareth had that gift, but I was unaware others did.
“Dude… I mean my liege, I can transport a freakin’ stadium of people. It might be a bumpy ride, but as long as I have an address I can do it.”
“She a magical GPS,” Claudia stated with a proud smile.
Gareth considered Tiara for a long moment and then nodded. “I can do it, but I don’t know what shape I’ll be in when we’re through. So yes. I accept your offer, gratefully.”
“One more thing,” Tiara said, approaching me. “I want you to take my blood. It’s superfuckingsonic and you’ll be protecting the love of my life. If I can’t be in the room, I need my blood to be there.”
“What will it do to me?” I asked, not having had the time to really discuss with Gareth how he felt after ingesting the Vamp-Fairy-Demon blood.
“Enhance your gifts, give you more power and… I really don’t fucking know. But I do know if I give it willingly, it will only be positive,” she said, pulling up her sleeve and offering me her wrist.
“Do it,” Gareth said. “I feel ridiculously strong—almost back to my old self. Far stronger than with just the stay Satan granted. Haven’t tested what I can do to its limits, but I barely lifted my knee to Azriel’s damn jewels and they lodged somewhere in his stomach.”
“Well, that’s certainly a rousing endorsement.” I took the offered wrist and bowed my head in thanks.
“A few more things,” Gareth said, watching me drink. “Vlad’s over a thousand years old. He’s a sick fuck and as dangerous as they come. He has magic, but he’s a coward—usually lets others fight for him.”
“You think we can do this?” Claudia asked, tucking her hair behind her ear in an attempt to appear calm.
“I think we have a fighting chance of doing it,” Gareth replied honestly. “It’s do or die for me, but not for you, Claudia. I want you to call out to Tiara if everything goes south. Tiara, you will transport into the room and take Claudia to safety—if you come for Claudia, I also want you to take Venus.”
“Absolutely not,” I hissed, withdrawing my fangs from Tiara’s wrist. “Your life is my life. You go down, I’m going with you.”
Gareth crossed the room in a flash and grabbed me by the shoulders. He clearly forgot we weren’t alone or he didn’t care.
“Look at me,” he demanded, harshly. “I can die if I know you will go on. Bottom line. The fact that you love me will be my dying thought—and I will be happy—something I never felt until you said you loved me. You shouldn’t even be involved, and if something happens to you, I swear on my undead life I will come back and haunt the living fuck out of Ethan for allowing you to come.”
“You don’t want me here?” I hissed, hurt and angry.
“Yes, I want you here,” he shouted. “I want you here because I’m a selfish bastard. You admitted you loved me here—best fucking day of my life. I bought the damn hotel earlier because I plan to bring you back here if we make it out alive. It’s the location we had our first date.”
“Date?” I asked with a small smile. Had he lost his mind—bought the hotel?
“Well, kind of,” he admitted sheepishly realizing how utterly human
he sounded.
“You bought this place?” I asked, wrinkling my nose. “Not a real sound investment.”
“Call it a sentimental one. I’m going to have that damned dressing room replicated in my palace when we get out of here.”
“God, that is so hot,” Tiara chimed in. “You are one romantic son of a bitch, my liege.”
“Thank you,” he said, remembering we had an audience. “So Tiara, my order stands—you come for Claudia, you take Venus as well.”
She nodded once and bowed. I said nothing.
She could come for Claudia, but it would take an act of God to pull me away. I had no plans to leave Gareth’s side. Ever.
Not in this life and not in whatever came next.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The air in the Green Room was thick with malice and the scent of fresh blood. Vlad now held a beaten-within-an-inch-of-her-life Sunny in his clutches. Her neck was partially severed and she was bleeding out fast. Her faint moans were the only evidence that she was still with us.
His entourage of Old Guard Master Vampyres surrounded him and couldn’t have looked less interested if they’d tried. There were six of them and the sheer power in the room was suffocating. I lambasted myself silently for involving the pageant girls. These bastards unnerved me and I was a damn killing machine. I had no clue how the girls would react to the deadly, vicious Vampyres.
Gareth and I were positioned against the back wall. We were cloaked and Tiara had dusted us with the Fairy powder that removed our scent. I didn’t like Sunny one bit, but she didn’t deserve to be bludgeoned by a psychotic lunatic for being a bitch. Hell, if bitchiness were a punishable crime, Vampyres would be extinct.
However, at the moment my real worry was for Martha and Jane. Had the bastard killed the old ladies when he took Sunny? If he had, he was mine after the curse was broken. I didn’t care that Satan had dibs. I’d fight the Devil himself for the bastard if we made it through the rest of the day.
“I brought you a gift,” Vlad said casually as if he wasn’t holding a half dead woman in his arms.
Fashionably Fanged: Book Eight, The Hot Damned Series Page 20