by Nikki Winter
Palming the back of his neck, Maddox tapped the table with his free hand. “Because for all of my reassurance, all of my efforts, I know she’ll always hear that small voice whispering that I can’t handle this; whispering that eventually I will walk away. Whispering that I’m not strong enough to deal with the fall out should it reach the point of no return.”
“Ah,” Ransom breathed. “You’re experiencing that lovely point in your relationship where your mate says—without verbalizing it at all—that she doesn’t need you. She loves you, wants you even, but she doesn’t need you because she has to clarify that if you should so decide to depart from whatever it is you’ve built, she won’t fucking break. She’ll remain resilient and sturdy.”
That sounded about right. “I take it you’ve experienced this with your wee she-wolf.”
Ransom whistled lowly. “I can’t even count the amount of screaming matches we’ve had because she would go to someone else—anyone else—with her problems and completely close that door in my face.” He shook his head with a wry grin. “They usually end with my roaring until she quiets down and then softly asks me, ‘You want to lose your tongue don’t you? No, no, that is clearly what you’re aiming for. Want me to oblige in the middle of your sleeping?’” His grin faded. “My mate can be…hard headed. Because vulnerability to her must be smothered before it grows.”
“I don’t understand that,” he retorted at a true loss. “I don’t understand how we can lay down the foundation for them to feel safe, to feel protected and—”
“That is the problem, my friend,” Ransom interrupted. “We take in their fears, absorb their insecurities and try to kill them. We try to reassure and comfort. We love them angrily, happily, hard, soft and without question but what we never think to do is be just as afraid, just as terrified, with them as we expect them to be with us.” His brother leaned forward. “Our strength, makes them doubtful in their own because they don’t want to be the only ones with that little voice, which you mentioned a moment ago, whispering.”
“You’re telling me my confidence is leaving hers shaky?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” his sibling answered. “Even the quietest of fears can still be heard. The minute you tell her what petrifies you, what leaves you edgy and restless, you’ll be on even ground. You have to do more than love her, comfort her, and assure her. You can protect her from everything and everyone else, slay her dragons, defeat her enemies and conquer armies in her name but when you’re alone, when it’s nothing but comfortable silence and her even breathing to anchor you, you have to shed your armor and become someone who she doesn’t feel emotionally threatened by. Little brother, you have to be naked with her. So she knows that she’s not the only one of you that would be cut deep should something happen.”
And there it was. Maddox now understood what he needed to do.
He scooted his chair back and stood. “Let your fiancée know that I’ll no longer be asking to see her nipples for my research on the variety of colors and shapes the world has to offer. There’s only one pair of areolas I want in my life from this point on and they belong to woman I’m going to mark as my own.”
“I don’t know how to respond to that without wanting to beat you so I’m just going to pretend as though I didn’t hear it.”
Maddox nodded. “Seems fair.”
Thirteen
“Maddox.”
He took his eyes off the dark stretch of road before him and briefly glanced at Cree. “Hmm?”
“Maddox.”
Her voice was sharper this time, the pitch lower and when he looked over again, irises the shade of molten gold glittered back at him. Her hands were balled in her lap, canines fastened onto the bottom rim of her mouth.
“Shit.” He jerked off to the shoulder and stopped completely. Moonlight hit her window and he watched her hands as they popped and reformed.
“I need out of the car now,” she told him, hunching over.
He didn’t hesitate. They’d gotten too comfortable, confident that her sedateness from the last few days would continue but it seemed restlessness had grown with their landing in Montana and the quiet was over. She’d been anxious since Fallon’s announcement so Maddox hadn’t thought anything of it. He should have. Their flight had been full of silent tension. When he’d rented a SUV at the airport, determined to get them to one of the subdivisions of rental properties he owned in the Rockies—which was about an hour away from her previous tribe’s land—her agitation had seemed to only grow.
With every mile traveled, her answers to his questions came few and far in between, harsher and then not at all. When her breathing had slowed and she’d fallen asleep, he’d been more than a bit relieved. It appeared that was all for naught because she was fully awake now and for all the wrong reasons.
Maddox was on her side of the vehicle in seconds, jerking open the door as she stumbled out and away from him. He looked from her to the rental and back to her disappearing form. He could track her anywhere, through anything, but instinct wouldn’t allow him to let her out of his sight. Locking the rental, he followed after her, deciding that he could deal with the fallout later.
She got at least a yard into the forest before dropping to her knees. Her hands hit the dirt as her back bowed, stretching and ripping her shirt. Every breath was a pant accompanied by a hard shudder and a low growl. All because she was fighting it again; all because she still wouldn’t accept what couldn’t be changed.
“Let go,” Maddox whispered, still a distance from her.
Cree shook her head. “No.”
“Let. Go.”
Another head shake.
“Goddammit, Cree!” he raged, moving towards her until he was in the dirt, cupping her face, staring as a cat’s muzzle forced its way out. “You want to kill yourself? Do it on your own fucking time but not on mine. Not while I’m here.” He touched his nose to the wet black one overtaking her features. “Release and stop fighting it or I swear to God—”
“What?” she snarled, interrupting him as her paws slapped away his hands. “You’ll leave me?” Pushing up from the earth, she made her way past him. “Fucking leave, Maddox. I don’t need you.”
There. She’d said it. Had he been any other man, he would’ve turned around and gone back to the SUV, waiting until morning to find her; waiting until he’d sufficiently hemmed up all his feelings in a little box and burned them. The issues was, he wasn’t any other man. He was a man who loved despite the terrifying realization that she may never admit to loving him in return so instead of walking away, he walked towards her. He stripped her shirt the rest of the way and unlaced her boots. As she fought her way through another blow of her beast, he peeled her jeans and panties down her legs then grasped her by the shoulders. When she looked at him, Maddox roared. It echoed around them, shaking the ground with its force. It was a challenge, a call to the thing inside her, an invite for it to show itself.
She backed away with betrayal in her gaze.
“I’m sorry.”
Cree’s hair swayed as she shook her head. “You bastard.”
Maddox inhaled and roared again. He roared until she hit the ground and curled into herself, golden fur rippling along her naked skin. He roared until her curses and screams died and all that was left was the laborious breaths of a lioness lying on its side.
Heart heavy, he approached. Numbness settled in as he realized there was a possibility that she’d never forgive him for this. Neither common sense nor fear kept him from standing over the animal she’d lost herself to.
He blew out a harsh breath and stared directly into its eyes, maintaining the connection because cowardice wasn’t an option. “Hello,” he said quietly. “My name is Maddox and I’ll be your tour guide this evening.”
Mass unfurling as it got to its feet, it circled him with the same apprehension he should’ve exhibited upon its appearance.
“And what is it that you want, Sarabi?” he glibly mocked. “For Pr
ide Rock’s rightful king to return?”
There was silence and then rustling just behind him. When he turned around, he saw that she’d taken a seat and was intently watching his every move. Cree wasn’t behind her stare but there was familiarity there.
“I’m really fucking sick of you all,” Maddox announced. “Sick of you making her doubt herself. Sick of you taking over whenever the fuck you feel like it. She gets the goddamn message,” he continued, his voice rising with every word. “What do you want from her? She’s trying. She’s really trying and every time it gets a little easier, you push. You fucking push.” She’d looked at him like he was the enemy but all Maddox wanted to do was save her. Keep her from eroding herself from the inside out because of her misgivings. That didn’t mean he could continue to side with what was causing her so much grief. Swallowing past the hard lump in his throat, he rocked back on his heels and stared up at the sky, unable to accept that what he was looking at was an extension of Cree. These things kept shoving her out, moving her to the edge and cornering her there.
A nudge at his thigh brought his attention back down. The lioness pushed her muzzle into him. Resentful, he only stared but when those eyes focused on him again, begging for someone—anyone—to listen, to not demonize her, relegate her to nothing aside from a nuisance, to love her, Maddox found himself running his fingers over the crown of her head and behind her ears.
When he knelt and she placed her head on his shoulder, all he could whisper was, “All I see is you.”
***
Cree came to with a start, her body shaking with harsh inhales. Everything hurt. Every. Single. Part. Cool sheets kissed her back and the scent of lemongrass teased her nostrils, letting her know that Maddox was nearby. Maddox.
“I need out of this car, now.”—“Goddammit Cree!”—“Fucking leave, Maddox. I don’t need you.”—“I’m sorry.”
Her spine left the bedding, bowing as the visual show of memories left her. She rolled to her side and balled up, waiting for the agony in her skull to subside. She felt as though it would fracture but something else hurt worse, her chest. The weight of what he’d done sat on it, refusing to release her. Needing to move, she dragged her legs over the side of the mattress and sat there until the room stopped spinning. The aftermath had never been this bad before.
Stammering, she used her sensitive eyesight to make her way across the dark suite and towards the bathroom. Cree didn’t bother to turn on the light, simply went to the shower stall and activated it. As the water heated, she emptied her bladder and then stepped inside, using the French stone wall as leverage to hold herself up. The pulsing showerhead soothed her aching muscles the longer she stood there and with a few stretches, the soreness began to dissipate gradually. Eventually, she stood upright and ran an unscented bar of soap over her skin.
After turning off the flow of water, she snatched down a towel and wrapped herself in it. A quick snoop got her a new toothbrush. When she was done, she grabbed a robe and belted it around her waist. Cree inhaled deeply and opened the bedroom’s door, heading down the daylight brightened hallway. She had the feeling that the bedroom had been kept purposely dark so she wouldn’t wake sooner than intended.
The low rumble of Maddox’s voice drew her towards the kitchen and she took in small details about the immaculately designed single family home that was only about 1800 square feet. The back door was open, leading to a deck that had a breath taking view of the Rockies. He’d described it in detail before but hadn’t done it justice. Too bad she couldn’t enjoy the cool breeze or the smell of freshly cut grass. Cree couldn’t enjoy the powder blue sky or the beautiful assortment of flowers that had been planted around the grounds. Her stomach was in knots because of the force of her rage.
Maddox seemed to sense the moment she crossed the threshold although she hadn’t made a sound. He sat forward in the deck chair and stared at her over his shoulder.
“She’s awake now,” he murmured into his phone. “I would, Fal but…yeah. Yeah, I know. We will. Okay. Alright. Don’t be a dirty she-wolf,” Maddox teased, smiling slightly. “Good-day Ms. Wilder.”
He hung up the device and placed it onto the table with a resigned look that told her he knew what was coming.
“Cree—”
“No,” she cut in, shaking her head. “No.” Unable to stay rooted to that spot, she turned to head back inside.
“What did you expect me to do?” he asked is a sotto voice.
She stopped. “I expected you to allow me to handle it my way.”
“Your way is killing you,” Maddox retorted, his voice snapping from the easy playfulness it held just moments ago.
“And that happens to be my choice, doesn’t it?”
“No,” he answered. “Not when it affects more than just you. Not when the rest of us would be left behind to clean up the impact.”
“Ah,” Cree breathed. “Can’t let the freak lose her shit because God only knows what the consequences would be right?”
The sound of metal slamming into the ground let her know he’d shoved his chair back hard enough that it knocked over. She was yanked around towards him.
“What the fuck is your problem?” he ground out.
“You,” she hissed. “You making fucking decisions for me. For me. I don’t have enough of that? I don’t have enough of being jerked around?”
“I was protecting you!”
“You were controlling me! Pushing me! I’m tired of being pushed!” She shoved at his chest but he didn’t move. “I’m tired of being manipulated!”
“Whose fault is that?”
Cree jerked back, her gaze searching Maddox’s. His eyes had gone cold. “You did not just say that to me.”
“I definitely did. I said it. I’ll say it again. This is your fault Cree. The struggle you’re having, the refusal to trust that you’re not some malfunctioned creature with a sob story and mommy issues, is your fault.”
She slapped him.
Maddox’s head went sideways and when he opened his eyes again, she was staring at his grizzly. “The truth hurts, love,” he whispered, moving away.
The backs of her eyes burned. “I can find my own way home,” she announced.
“Right,”—his mouth twisted into a grim smile—“because I can leave you. Because you don’t need me.”
“I don’t,” Cree boasted. “I don’t need you. That’s what we’re waiting for isn’t it? For me to admit that. For your ego to shrink and for you to walk away and find a woman who does; for you to find a woman who’ll tell you all the pretty things you need to hear in order to feel important.” She wanted to stop talking but she couldn’t. Days of contemplation, years of terror, hours forgotten in the midst of something that was beyond her had settled in on her emotions and was crushing them like an aluminum can under a boot. “Say it, Maddox. Say you need to be needed, you need to be someone’s hero. You need to proudly strut around with your cock out, committing the great deed of letting everyone know you saved me from myself.”
He gazed at her like he didn’t know her. “I don’t want to just be anyone’s need. I don’t want to just be grouped in with water and oxygen, sweetheart. A need is viewed as something that you turn to out of necessity, desperation. Not because you want that thing, or crave it. Not because it brings you joy or does you good. Not because it makes you laugh or brightens the darkest part of your day. But because it’s there. It’s available. People with needs die without them. They do unspeakable things to get them.” Maddox’s eyes went from animalistic and hard to human and sad. “I want someone who also wants me. Someone who calls on me because it makes them happy. Not because ten minutes on my cock will do them some good. You don’t need me? Fine. I don’t fucking care. But don’t stand there and pretend like it wouldn’t burn you for me to go back home right now and find someone else.”
Just the thought made her sick but she was on a slippery slope already and couldn’t seem to stop. “Fuck who you want. We’re not mated. I
don’t own you. You don’t own me.”
A muscle in his jaw worked as he nodded slowly. “You know what? You’re right. That’s what I want to do. I want to return to Colorado and plow through every single female in the pack. Then I think I’ll start in on Brody’s because that lot is particularly aggressive.” He raked his dark irises over her. “I’ll fuck one after the other until I’ve got nothing but claw marks and bites to show for it. I’ll fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck,”—he snarled leaning towards her—“until the sounds of their screams drown out the memory of yours.” Maddox rolled his shoulders. “There’s nothing binding us. Nothing tying me to you. I mean a year of self-imposed hell is long enough. And according to you, I got what I was looking for so I should go on with my life and pretend that you and your problems don’t exist.”
Cree stood stock still, knowing that one move would unleash floodgates that she wouldn’t be able to close.
“Do you think that’s who I am?” he questioned quietly.
She couldn’t open her mouth. She honestly couldn’t force the words past the sob in her throat.
“Answer me!” Maddox roared, flipping the deck table and sending it over the railing. “Do you honestly think I could tell you I love you, make love to you and then go sling my dick and anything that moved in my line of sight?!” He kicked over another chair. “Do you honestly think I could leave you here and not lose my fucking mind without you?!” Wood from the surrounding deck fencing came off in his hands and landed in the grass. “Do you honestly believe I would be here right now, railing like a goddamn lunatic if you didn’t mean the world to me?!”
He was so hurt that his eyes had turned glassy, his chest shuddering in an imitation of her own.
Jabbing a finger in her direction, his voice dropped so low that she could barely hear it, “I am terrified to lose you. I am terrified that everything we’re doing, everything we’re trying isn’t going to work and I’m going to have to bury you because you think the sin is in your bloodline and not in your mentality. I’m trying so hard to shield you, comfort you that I’m leaving myself open. I love you and all I’ve gotten back in return is how much you don’t need me. Do you know how fucking insulting that is?”