‘Others can be the judge of whether I was just as bad. I had a brief relationship when I thought my marriage was over - not one that lasted years, one where I’d constructed a complete other life for myself…’
‘You can split hairs if you like…I can’t believe this…Well you are right about one thing. I don’t want you back. And I don’t want anything to do with this kid even if it does turn out to be mine.’
Then he hung up.
That was too easy. An hour or so later he rang back. I was tempted not to answer, but knowing that would only inflame things I clenched my teeth in preparation for the onslaught.
Thousands of kilometres might have separated us but his anger was there with me in the room.
‘You know I’m good at maths. You weren’t obviously showing when you left here, which means the latest you could have got pregnant was November - or October at a pinch - so despite what you say, you could not have had this “relationship” whilst we were on the verge of splitting up.’
I was silent for a while. ‘Okay I had one slip up.’
‘On the night of your dinner dance, wasn’t it? Some slip up - you went out fully intending to…’
‘No, I don’t expect you to believe me but I wasn’t intending for anything to happen that night. I only wanted to talk to him.’
‘Yeah, you were really dressed for talking. You slept with him that night, didn’t you?...No that’s not the right word for it, ’cause I can’t imagine a lot of sleeping went on. It would be more accurate to say you fucked him that night, a few times I’d guess too, because you had no energy to service your loving husband when you eventually got home...I can’t hear any denials. At least I never flaunted my lover under your nose. Poor Isabel, she doesn’t realise that her mother is a-’
‘Don’t you dare call me that. If I am one, you are one too. I have not said a word against you to Isabel and if you care about her at all you will do the same. You will achieve nothing by it except hurt.’
‘I would never hurt Isabel but couldn’t care less about you. And as for lover boy, I wish I could get on the next plane and tear him scrawny limb from limb.’
‘What good would that achieve?’
‘None, but I would enjoy doing it.’
All this time no names had been mentioned. I was almost one hundred percent certain he’d guessed it was Alex but…
‘No wonder you knew so much about his love life. You were his love life.’
Okay, he’d guessed.
‘Wait till I tell my mother about this. She always said it would end badly.’
‘Yeah, the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophecies.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘Meaning that she did everything she could to break us up. She had a hand firmly in this marriage breakdown and if you can’t see that…Anyway, the one positive to come out of this is that I won’t have to spend any time with her from now on.’
‘Whatever…I want paternity testing done as soon as possible. And I am going to start divorce proceedings tomorrow and I’m going for custody of Isabel.’
‘That’s just stupid. You’re away half the time. Who are you going to leave her with - the maid? In a foreign country where she knows no-one?’
‘I’ll sort something out. I don’t want her staying there to be corrupted by you.’
‘You were the one that started this, Tony,’ I said wearily. ‘He offered me love when I was getting none from you.’
‘Love, is that what you call it?’
‘I’m too tired to argue with you any more tonight. No doubt I’ll hear from your lawyers soon enough.’
The venom in his tone had said it all. He’d found out what it was like to be on the other side in an adulterous marriage and he didn’t like it one little bit. I knew he loved his daughter, but more than that he wanted to wound me and knew the best way he could do that was by going for custody of her. I could only hope the courts would see reason and, because there were no innocent parties in this breakup, decide the best place for Isabel was with me. Whatever the case I knew there would be a nasty fight ahead.
What a miserable night I had. My rational self went AWOL and I lay awake for hours imagining increasingly fanciful scenarios: Tony’s lawyer would get up in court and tell the packed courtroom that I’d had sex with half a dozen different guys and was unfit to be a mother, or, even worse, that Tony would organise an abduction of Isabel and I would arrive at preschool one afternoon to find her gone. Even when I did fall asleep I had a terrible nightmare that I found the bed full of blood and a little dead baby between my legs.
Mum took one look at me the next morning and said, ‘What happened to you? There is no way you can go to work like that. You look absolutely dreadful.’
‘Tony and I had a huge fight and now he’s threatening to go after custody of Isabel.’
‘I thought I heard you arguing. So it sounds like you are definitely going through with the divorce then?’
‘Yes.’
‘Even with the new baby? Did you finally tell him?’
‘Yes.’
‘How did he react to that?’
I couldn’t explain it to Mum then. I didn’t have the energy. ‘Can we talk about it later?’ is all I said, ‘I really need to sleep right now. Would you mind taking Issy to preschool for me?’
I rang in sick to work. It wasn’t a good look for a new employee but they seemed understanding enough - being noticeably pregnant helped, I think. But before I went back to bed I thought I’d better warn Alex. He was driving to work and spoke to me on hands-free.
‘He worked out who it was,’ I said. ‘You might get an abusive phone call. As I predicted he wants to kill you.’
‘So I should look at getting a bodyguard?’
‘I’m glad you can joke about it.’
‘Well, there’s not much else I can do.’
‘He’s in London right now so you’re safe for the moment, but after that no guarantees, sorry. I only hope he calms down soon. Oh and he’s demanding paternity testing. Would you consent? Sorry again. I promise I won’t hold you to anything - I mean financially, morally, babysitting - anything.’
‘If it helps. I don’t have to wank into a test tube, do I?’
‘No, I think they can achieve the same result with a simple mouth swab.’
‘Oh yeah,’ he laughed, ‘Didn’t think that through, did I? Are you really sure you have no idea?’
‘Tony was only home for one weekend in November and it happened to be that weekend - so no, I have no idea. It could have been either of you.’
‘Did anyone…how can I put this…have a numerical advantage that might tip the balance of probabilities?’
‘Ah…no.’
‘Gee, you had a busy weekend.’
‘Don’t make me more embarrassed than I already feel,’ I said, but laughed in spite of myself. ‘He was only home for one weekend that month, remember. The thing is, it’s about the timing. I mean when intercourse happened in respect to the egg being released, so to speak.’
‘So we have to have paternity testing.’
‘Or wait until I have a little brown baby or a little blonde baby, I suppose…You know, if I hadn’t lost little William I’d probably be hoping for a miscarriage right now, but having been through it once I could never wish that. I’m still terrified it’s going to happen again, anyway, to pay me back for my evil deeds.’
‘Oh don’t go getting a Catholic guilt complex on me. Worse sins have gone unpunished.’
‘I suppose so. And I’m not Catholic, fortunately. Thank you again for not yelling at me - you’re being an absolute prince. I’ve had enough abuse from Tony to last me a lifetime.’
‘I bet you have, although I still think he’s a hypocritical jerk. Anyway, I’m driving into the car park now so I’d better go. Speak later.
’
I went back to bed, slept for an hour and woke with a strong compulsion to walk along a beach. A built-up city beach simply would not do either; it had to be wild and windswept. I drove all the way up along the Northern Beaches as far as Palm Beach. I got out of my car and walked up and down the entire length. The weather had worsened from the previous day; it was cold and wet, and a fierce wind whipped stinging sand across my face and hands, leaving them red with irritation. I walked for a long time. To the rare passersby I must have looked like a mad woman, but I returned home feeling stronger and much calmer.
When I walked through the door, hair and clothes soaking and looking to all the world like I’d just been exhumed from Neptune’s cave, I think Mum had a few thoughts that I was becoming seriously unhinged, but after I showered and dried my hair and spoke to her in a rational manner she left to pick up Isabel reassured I still retained at least some of my faculties.
While she was out I made another phone call.
‘You have some nerve calling here,’ said Pamela when she answered the phone.
I sighed. ‘I really don’t want to get into an argument with you, Pamela. Anyway, I thought you’d be pleased to finally see the back of me. What I was calling about is next Wednesday. I want you to know that the events of last night haven’t changed anything in that regard and I was still planning to send Isabel to your place as usual. Would you like her to come?’
‘Oh…yes I would. I thought…’
‘Good, but remember she is quite vocal these days, and if I hear you have been saying things to her about me the whole arrangement will be terminated immediately.’
‘Alright,’ she said snippily, which suggested my warning may well have been necessary.
‘Okay, Mum will drop her off at 4pm, as before. Bye.’
With Isabel plonked in front of Play School my mother bailed me up, ‘So tell me more about your argument with Tony.’
‘Can we leave it till a family conference tomorrow night? I have dinner with Tracey tonight and then I’ll be flat hunting during the day.’
‘Oh alright,’ she said, ‘but this is getting ridiculous. Definitely tomorrow night then?’
‘Yeah, definitely.’
Tracey is up in Sydney visiting her parents and, even though I had to regrettably stay sober, our dinner together last night was the perfect antidote for my troubled mind.
Her first reaction was predictable. ‘All I can say is hoo-ray and good riddance to that prick. You know I never liked him.’
‘You don’t say,’ I said. ‘I know you never got on but he’s not all bad. He has good qualities that you didn’t get to see.’ What was it about me? Here I was defending the man who twenty-four hours earlier had pretty much called me a whore.
‘Yeah, like the fact he was banging the flight attendant while you were pregnant with Issy.’
‘Okay, I’ll concede that was not one of his better qualities.’
I told her the secret of my unplanned pregnancy. Poor Mum and Dad were still in the dark but Tracey got to hear the lot.
‘How funny! I can’t believe you don’t know who the father is. How very Jerry Springer of you, Ellie!’
‘It’s not funny.’
‘Yeah, it is, a bit. Admit it.’ She made me laugh then, the bitch.
‘Maybe you should try women from now on,’ she counselled as we were leaving the restaurant. ‘Just think you’d never have to worry about getting pregnant.’
‘I think I’ll sleep on that one,’ I said, as I kissed her goodbye.
‘Yeah, you’re still holding a candle for the other guy, aren’t you?’
I went to bed and slept like a log.
This morning, that is Saturday, I grabbed the real estate section of the Sydney Morning Herald and started to look for suitable flats for lease. The weather had cleared to reveal a perfect March day: sunny and clear skies, no humidity. At least I wouldn’t need to be dashing between properties with umbrella in hand. I circled a few properties and was mapping out a rough itinerary when my mobile rang. Please don’t be Tony, I thought.
I was in luck. It wasn’t him. It was Alex.
‘Hi,’ I said hesitantly. ‘Is everything okay? Did my husband threaten you with violence or something?’
‘No - not yet, anyway. More importantly, how are you going?’
‘Not too bad. I’m just about to go flat hunting with Isabel.’
‘I know. That’s why I called. The races fell through and since I haven’t any other plans I thought you might like me to drive you around, so you don’t have to borrow your mum’s car again. You can navigate.’
‘What happened to the races? It looks like a brilliant day for them.’
‘Oh long story.’
‘That’s very sweet of you but I’m sure there are lots of other things you’d rather be doing with your time. I know I would.’
‘No seriously - I wouldn’t have called otherwise. I’d like to.’
‘Well I think you’re quite mad, but if you insist.’ I gave him Mum’s address.
‘I’ll be there in about twenty minutes,’ he added as he called off.
‘Who was that?’ asked Mum.
‘That was Alex. You know, from my old job. He’s offered to take Issy and me flat hunting.’
‘That’s very nice of him, if a little strange. Do you think he might be keen on you or something?’
‘No, no…he’s just a nice guy who feels a bit sorry for me, I think.’ Further explanation could wait until later.
When Alex arrived, Issy, in her inimitable way, said ‘Hello’ as if she’d known him all her life and hopped in the back seat of his car.
‘She’s so cute,’ he whispered. ‘She looks just like you.’
‘No, she looks like her father, Alex,’ I said drolly.
‘The eyes maybe, but the nose and smile are definitely yours.’
‘Okay you can think that.’
The three of us drove around the suburbs of Sydney all morning, looking for a new, if temporary, home for my abbreviated family. I was looking for something small - sufficient only to accommodate Issy, the baby, Meggs and myself - and easy to maintain.
By lunchtime I was beginning to regret bringing Alex along. Every place we looked at, which I usually found to be fine, Alex would find some fault with.
‘No it’s too close to a busy road. You’ll get traffic noise.’
‘No it’s really pokey and the walls are paper thin.’
‘Did you see those next-door-neighbours? They look a bit dodgy to me.’
‘We can’t all afford to live in waterfront apartments in Balmain, Alex. I need to make a few compromises in this price range,’ I said through gritted teeth.
Also the real estate agents kept referring to Alex as my ‘husband’, which was a bit embarrassing. I corrected this misperception a couple of times, but after the third one I stopped bothering. After all, how exactly was I meant to describe our relationship?
‘No, this is not my husband. This is my ex-workmate and former lover and possibly the father of my unborn child.’
Even more bizarrely, one agent referred to Alex as Isabel’s ‘father’. I mean, if any two people looked less likely to be blood relations.
After a morning where Alex found none of the properties we inspected satisfactory we decided to stop for lunch at a nondescript coffee shop on a suburban strip. All my will to live had dissipated by this time so I gave in to Issy’s request for hot chips rather than a sandwich.
She scoffed them all in a most unladylike manner and said, ‘Can I buy a Dora magazine? Please?’
‘There are no shops around here to buy one, dear.’
‘Yes there is - over there,’ she said, pointing at a newsagency. Trust her to spot it.
‘But Mummy is very tired darling. I just want to sit and rest.’
/>
‘I can take her,’ said Alex. He turned to Isabel. ‘Is that okay?’
‘Yes,’ she said and took his hand.
I offered him some money but he waved it away. ‘I think I can afford it. But before I go, what’s a Dora magazine?’
‘Don’t worry, she’ll find it.’
Five minutes later they returned. ‘Look Mummy, Alex bought me a colouring book and pencils, too.’
‘Alex.’
‘What?’ he said, all innocence. ‘It cost me ten bucks total.’
‘Exactly.’
In the end I had to concede that the colouring in book was a good investment. It kept Issy occupied whilst we managed to locate a few more properties that were open that afternoon and talk in oblique terms about my upcoming custody battle.
‘You know,’ said Alex, ‘I don’t know a whole lot about these things, fortunately, but I’m sure most are negotiated out and rarely get to court. Hopefully he’ll calm down and come to see sense.’
‘I hope so,’ is all I could offer in reply.
At 3pm we all headed home, Issy and I still without the prospect of a new home. Alex parked out the front of my parent’s house. Mum was weeding in the front garden and Issy, spying her, undid her seatbelt and ran over to show Grandma the new booty before I could reprimand her for running off without me and for not shutting the car door. When would she ever learn?
‘Grandma, look what I got!’ she yelled.
‘That’s lovely darling, but Grandma’s hands are all dirty at the moment. Why don’t you take them inside to show Granddad and I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.’
‘Okay,’ said Issy and ran inside.
I reached behind me and shut the car door. ‘Do you want to come in for a cup of tea or something?’
‘No I can’t…I’ve arranged to meet Natalie at four.’
‘Oh.’
‘I’m going to end it with her, Eleanor. She was only ever a substitute. I’ve been angry with you, I know, but if you thought I was going to get over you that quickly…’
‘Alex, I’m not expecting…’
‘I know you’re not but it’s what I want. Listen to me - a few months ago I offered to take on you and Isabel. Nothing has changed since then except that you are having another child. And what’s another child between friends?’
Happily Ever After? Page 28