by Em Taylor
But as she hurried to her bedchamber loud footfalls behind her told her that Robert had followed her.
“Lucy, my love.”
“Please, Robert, I am well. I just need…”
She opened her bedchamber door, but he followed her in, using his strength to stop her from closing the door on him.
He closed the door behind him. And then he pulled her into his embrace. Rubbing his hand up and down her back and pressing kisses onto the top of her head
“Really My Lord, I cannot make love to you now.”
Robert stepped back and frowned.
“I am not here to make love to you. I am here to check on your well-being. I want to comfort you. You must be… well… I have no idea how it must feel to know you have kept this secret so long and even Em guessed the truth.”
“You did not.”
“I was not in Cumberland when Dick went off to war. I spent a lot of time in London at that point. Besides, I keep myself to myself. I know it does not make for a good Lord, but I… I do not know how to speak to people. My mother died when I was eighteen. She did all the visiting of the poor and ill in the village. And my father died when I was sixteen. He was cold and hard. He did not have the common touch. Em did well enough once she was of age, but she does have a habit of occasionally saying the wrong thing and she is quite clumsy. Now, of course I do not think it is her fault. I think my father’s ire and my teasing made it worse. She seems much better now, if we ignore this evening’s unpardonable outbursts. I shall have words with both her and Beattie about her prying questions.”
“No. Please. She loves you Robert. She is your sister. She has a right to know what kind of lightskirt you plan to marry.”
Robert’s features hardened.
“You are no lightskirt. He took advantage of your innocence.”
Lucy shook her head. “Oh Robert. I was a silly little girl. I knew better than to lift my skirts for the first handsome man who whispered sweet words in my ear.”
“Did you? Your mother was ill at that time, was she not?”
“She was dying, and my father had already passed on. I did thing Edward loved me and planned to marry me and he assured me I could not conceive the way we did it. Even though he left his seed it me. We were standing, and he made me straighten immediately and his seed ran out of me.”
Robert sighed and pulled her into his embrace again and she sobbed into his waistcoat.
“Lucy?”
“Yes?”
“Does Eleanor know you are her mother?”
“N-n-no. My aunt thought it for the best lest she say the wrong thing.”
“If everyone already knows, would it not be wise to tell her? Before somebody else tells her.”
“And if she asks about her father?”
Robert seemed to think about that.
“Is she not too young to know how babies come about?”
Lucy laughed and pulled away from Robert. “It seems that I am too young to know how babies come about given Eleanor’s presence in my life.” She gave him a wry smile.
“He took advantage of you. And if Lieutenant Dick was not already in that asylum, I would slap a glove in his face for his behaviour towards you.”
“That is very noble of you, My Lord, but it is unnecessary. I love Eleanor. I just hope she can forgive me for not telling her sooner that she was not alone in this world and how much she is loved.”
“I think she knows how much she is loved. It is clear in your eyes when you look at her. Now, come back downstairs and finish dinner.”
“I am not hungry. Go if you wish. Or you can stay and make love to me.”
“I need you to be there when I tell my sister you have agreed to marry me, and she can cancel her plans for me on the marriage mart.”
“Oh, well I suppose…”
“Besides, I shall not make love to you until we are wed. I have taken advantage of you enough. It was wrong of me to do so.”
“Robbie! I gave myself willingly.”
“I know.”
“Did I… was I not good enough?”
Robert threw his head back and laughed. “My love, I can barely keep my hands from you. With every fibre of my being I want to lay you down on that bed and sink into your sweet body. But no. I think it best that we refrain. I owe it to you to show my bride-to-be some respect. Come, let us go and discuss this wedding with my sister. She shall be so pleased.”
“When do we speak to the children?”
“You know the children best. I shall leave that to you. If you wish me present, I shall be there. If you would prefer me not to be there, I shall understand. You also must decide whether Eleanor learns as part of the group or on her own.”
“I think the sooner, the better. If I put it off I shall become ill at ease around them. I believe that when possible, telling the truth is for the best, however ironical that may sound at present.”
“No, it makes perfect sense. Considering how society treats unwed mothers you had every right to keep it a secret. I am surprised you have not been shunned by them. That said, the fact you pretended she was an orphan probably allowed them to pretend you were not an unwed mother. Perhaps society gives us a new idiom, what the eye pretends not to see, the heart does not grieve over.”
“Mayhap.”
“I wonder…” Robert was biting his lower lip and seemed hesitant to continue.
“You wonder what?”
“Would you allow me to go and see Lieutenant Dick? Perhaps suggest I take over the care of Eleanor.”
“Robert, Eddie does not even know of her existence. I went to see him a few times after he came back from the war. At least once I came back from staying away for my confinement. He is a shell of a man. His thoughts incoherent, he cannot remember anything from one moment to the next, he seemed aggressive, violent even and eventually his mother shooed me away saying I made him upset. I tried to tell him about his babe, about his little girl. But then, that was when I thought he had gone off to war in love with me, thinking of me as his love and the one he would come home to and marry. But he had no intention of doing so, did he? Even if he had not been injured.”
She could not help the note of bitterness in her voice. Robert cupped her face.
“We do not know his intentions. We probably never shall. But I do have to find out if he is recovered enough. I cannot claim some other man’s child and raise them as my own without at least finding out if he wants to or is able to provide for that child. It is a matter of honour. Do you understand?”
Honour? Where was the honour when Eddie had her skirts up over her back in a cowshed after telling her he would become ill if he did not get relief soon? Where was the honour when he said she could not get with child since she was standing and oh look his seed was already running down her leg? Where was the honour when he was six months away at war and did not once write to her?
“No, not really, Robbie. But who am I to understand the ways of gentlemen. It is only my child who you wish to barter over.”
“I shall not barter over her. I care for her. It is just the right thing to do.”
“Perhaps. I just… It is a chapter of my life that I had closed and thought I had dealt with. Meeting you has brought up so many memories, opened so many wounds and caused me to deal with things I…” She could feel the tears. It was almost as it they rose from the core of her being. “Oh Robbie…” she sobbed. “Eleanor shall hate me.”
Robert gathered her in his arms and held her. Her mind was a jumble of half sentences, malformed thoughts and fears that loomed up at her like monsters waiting to devour her. She had always known she would have to tell Eleanor one day. She also knew that it was a very dangerous secret to keep, which would one day come back to haunt her. Now she must face up to her child and let her know she had lied, even if it had been a lie of omission, for five years. She doubted that the child would understand the distinction, or care for that matter.
“It would be wrong of me to fill you with fa
lse hope that Eleanor shall not be upset. I suspect she shall, but you are her mother and her sole care provider. She loves you and in time, she will understand. Children are very adaptable.”
“What do you know about children?” she snuffled into his waistcoat.
“I used to be a child.”
“I am told you were a rather horrid child.”
“Only to Em. And I now regret it terribly.”
Lucy felt terrible. “I am sorry. I know you feel terrible. I should not have…”
“Shh! You are right to chastise me. I was horrid to Emily. But she adapted. She learned to survive despite the way I was. Despite our parents. She was willing to go against the will of my great aunt Gertrude to visit her friend in Herefordshire when her friend needed her. She adapted, even as a child. She does not hate me. Look how excited she is. I believe she knows I have convinced you to marry me. She wants me to be happy despite the fact I made her unhappy. And when she arrived here with Beattie last summer, all she wanted was my approval. Because when all is said and done, I am her elder brother. And when Eleanor gets over the shock, you will be her mother.”
Lucy had to admit to herself that Robert’s words made her feel slightly better.
“Fine. Let us go and speak about weddings to your sister.”
“And may I go and see Lieutenant Dick?”
She waved a hand as she stepped out of his arms. “I doubt it shall do you any good, My Lord, but you are welcome to try. I shall come with you in case seeing me helps him remember.”
“Are you certain?”
“I am not a child.”
“No, you are not. But you are under my protection.”
“My Lord, I have never required the protection of a man. I thank you for your concern, but I have visited Lieutenant Dick alone in the past therefore going with you should not be a trial to my delicate feminine sensibilities, I assure you.”
“That is me put properly in my place. I do look forward to our marriage. It shall never be dull. Of that I am certain.
He offered her his arm and led her out the door and downstairs.
Chapter 24
Robert was not looking forward to this journey. They were leaving at an ungodly hour for the four-hour journey to the private asylum where Lieutenant Dick now lived.
Lucy had described the place. A lovely stone mansion, each patient with their own room and servants. Nothing like Bedlam, from what he had heard about the asylum in London. He had been invited to visit Bedlam and become a patron of the establishment, but he had chosen to give money to other causes. Not that he did not want to help those who were insane. But different peers picked different causes and one could not be a patron for every charity.
Besides, he had heard about the patrons taking groups of friends around the famous hospital to stare and be entertained by the mad patients and something about that did not sit well with Robert. Why would one be entertained by such unfortunates? He had heard that Bedlam had improved in recent years but until he knew for certain that it functioned properly and treated patients with a modicum of dignity, his money would be sent to worthier causes. Perhaps he could find an asylum for the poor up here in Cumberland.
He met Lucy in the foyer. She looked beautiful in a pink pelisse and bonnet, her auburn hair pulled back into her usual severe knot. He would have to get her a maid whom she trusted, who would convince her to wear her hair in a softer style. Not that he wanted to force her or tell her what to do but he suspected that Lucy Butterworth tried to make herself look like a prim little miss to make up for her own perceived misdemeanours of the past. It seemed somewhat unfair that she should have to suffer for her ignorance.
“Good morning,” he said as he lifted her gloved hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. She curtseyed to him.
“Good morning, My Lord.”
“You can still call me Robert.”
“Robbie?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“If you wish.”
Lucy bit her lip. “I think not until after we are wed.”
“How does the day after tomorrow suit?”
“But the banns.”
“Gretna Green was good enough for Emily and Beattie.”
“They were eloping.”
He grabbed her around the waist and then looked around him furtively to check there was no one else in the expansive foyer. They were utterly alone—thank God. “I need you back in my bed.”
Damn, just her nearness was sending a thrill of need to his prick. He was hardening as he spoke.
“You were the one who…”
“I know,” he growled, interrupting her. “And I stand by that. You are not my mistress. You are my fiancé. You shall be my wife.”
“What about the person who is blackmailing me.”
“What about her?”
“What makes you think it is a woman?”
“Blackmail is a woman’s trick. A man would just demand the money at knife or gunpoint. Blackmail is sneaky and underhand. Meant to play on your insecurities. Men are upfront when they plan to rob you blind.”
She leaned back and studied him for a moment. “You do not think highly of the fairer sex, My Lord. Are you sure you want to marry one of us?”
He chuckled and moved his mouth to her neck and nuzzled it. “You are one of the nice ones. You do not have a deceitful bone in your body.”
Her gloved fingers speared through his hair, but it was to encourage him in his kisses up and down her neck, not to urge him away. “You forget, My Lord, that I lied to you when I arrived here.”
“Not terribly convincingly. I knew you harboured secrets. I suspected Eleanor had something to do with it at least at first. You did throw me off the scent a little.”
“Would you two please at least get into the carriage before you start creating a child. My wife is in a delicate way.” Beattie’s voice rang out through the expansive area and Robert remembered that they were in the foyer of his country house—not a bedchamber. He straightened, his most aristocratic glare on his face, as if Beattie was interrupting a meeting between him and the King.
“I believe my sister got into that delicate state because you were constantly doing something similar to her in some of the most inappropriate places, if the scandal sheets are anything to go by, Beattie.”
Beattie scowled. “You read the scandal sheets?”
“They may take a few days to arrive up here, but they do come eventually. We’re not completely cut off from civilisation.”
“Hmm, well, best you do not do as I did. You may wish to have more decorum if you do not wish Miss Butterworth to be gracing the column inches of the London scandal rags so early in her acquaintance with the ton.”
“Advice noted. Come my love and we shall discuss Gretna in the coach.”
“Well that’s a new euphemism,” he heard Beattie say, as he led Lucy outside then handed her up into the coach.
He aimed a glare in Beattie’s direction but his brother in marriage just sent him back a knowing grin.
They settled in the carriage and soon they were en-route to the asylum. Robert needed to touch Lucy and felt for her hand. He placed his hand over hers and drew it to his lap. She gave him a tentative smile.
“My Lord?”
He frowned at the title.
“Miss Butterworth?” She bit her lip.
“You are under no obligation to marry me.”
“Am I not?” Robert’s eyebrows shot up nearly into his hairline. “Pray tell, my love, are you regretting accepting my suit Do you wish to marry another?”
“Of course not. I am just concerned in case you are having second thoughts but are too much of a gentleman to break it off with me. After all, men have needs yet you now choose not to come to my bed or allow me into yours.”
“I told you that I do not wish to… My love, when we are wed, I can make love to you as much as we please, but I feel that doing so now is disrespectful to you. You are a young lady of impeccable breeding and not here just
to satisfy my baser needs. You may not be a virgin, my love, but you are a young lady nonetheless and still very much an innocent. I may have forgotten that for a time and for that, I apologise. I am ashamed for taking advantage of you. I was attempting to break down your defences and I believed that seducing you was the way to do it. I see that I was wrong.” He was looking out of the carriage at the green scenery rolling by, the heat of his own shame burning his cheeks. Over the last day, he had considered his behaviour since he had invited Lucy to his home. He had been no better than Lieutenant Dick.
“Robert?” Her voice was quiet and her hand on his knee made him want to flinch. “Thank you for showing me what should happen between a man and a woman. Thank you for giving me pleasure. Thank you for…well you know. I did not know that could happen to ladies. It was… quite exhilarating.”
“I should have waited to marry you to do it,” he insisted, turning to her.
She raised a brow and her lips quirked. “I am not entirely sure I would have married you had you not made love to me. I was not keen to marry, if you recall. You convinced me.”
“With my lovemaking?” His cock hardened at her words.
“In part. With your persistence, your care and when you showed me what could be between a man and a woman. Now stop preening like a peacock. Are you serious about running off to Gretna Green to marry?”
He had been about to reach for her, to kiss her, to perhaps take a few liberties, but her words arrested him. “I was joking—partly. I thought you would want a wedding in the parish church with banns and your friends and brother in attendance. I thought…”
“Emily spoke of these things the other night. I was rather overcome if I am honest. I was dealing with the fact that a gentleman of noble birth wanted me and my illegitimate child, even if I had some doubts as to the veracity of his statements and whether he may be having second thoughts. It did not occur to me to question the wedding or arrangements.”