by Aceves, Gigi
“He already loves you. You just gotta let love in, again. Allow it to move, Tami. I thought mine wouldn’t when Dominic died, but it did because I know Dominic is looking down from Heaven saying ‘love this boy because he loves my mom.’ Is it stupid to believe that? Probably to some, but not to me. You’ve taught me to believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe Nick is our reason to start another season of our lives. Nick loved you before he ever met you, that says something, just like I love the two angels I lost without laying my eyes on them.”
“It seems too good to be true.”
“It’s good because it’s true, and it’s true because it’s good.”
She giggles—finally. “You sound like my dad.”
I open my arms. “Come here.”
She comes willingly now, wearing the smile that lights up my world. I pull her tightly toward me enjoying the moment of closeness we’ve lost, and she returns it with the same amount of love I’m pouring into this simple embrace.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
She moves to capture my lips, engaging mine in that familiar kiss we’ve always shared. As her tongue spars with mine, I feel her need oozing with every brush and every flick. Each time she nips my lips is a declaration of her want rivaling my own. I’m starved . . . hungry for her affection, but in our hunger, there’s also a sense of completion that finally. . . . finally. . . .
It’s.Done.
Her grief . . . her sadness . . . her regrets.
She’s letting go.
Not of the memory of our son, but the pain that’s attached to it.
She says against my lips, “Dominic will forever be in my heart. I can feel his skin against mine. I remember his face, his little hands . . . I remember it all. He smiled, didn’t he?”
Kiss.
Nip.
Hungry kisses.
Loving strokes.
“Yes, he did,” My own voice croaking at the memory of my son.
“I love Dominic so much,” My wife’s own croaking like mine.
Kiss.
Nip.
An intake of hope.
An exhale of hurt.
“He loves you, Tami. He loves us. I . . . I love him.”
“Are you happy?”
Leaning back, I look into her eyes wanting her to believe what I finally believe. “I am, because I know he’s happy where he is. I accepted His choice, to be in a place where I am. I’m proud to have been his dad while he was here. The short time he spent with us, he fought a good fight. I felt his love for me—for us, and my heart will never forget that. I’d like to think Dominic had a choice in the manner in which he fought.” I stop only to witness the acceptance in her eyes. “You’ve always told me and everyone else that everything has a season. Though Dominic’s season in our lives may be over to some because he isn’t here, I say no. His memory lives in my heart and yours . . . every memory is etched into my brain. It helps me to sleep at night knowing He gave me a chance to hold Dominic. Every single time I hold you, Dominic’s right there because he’s a part of you, T. A little bit of you mixed with a little bit of me made him. He is and will be part of our story, sweetheart. Our very own, and now Nick is part of it, too.”
Her tears mix with mine, not of sadness this time, but of happiness. She finally accepts that a loss so great can be received with an open heart, knowing that our Dominic is in a place most of us wish to be in. A place where no tears will flow or no aches exist.
Just like how my lips ache to kiss her, my entire body is dying to be one with her. Our kiss turns into so much more . . . more love and hope exudes from each kiss—each caress. Love flows freely from her lips to mine . . . from her fingertips touching my skin as mine make contact with hers. It’s a need so carnal, yet pure. A yearning so delirious, yet calm. With each nip of my teeth against her lip, my hands are stripping her clean of her clothes while she mirrors my actions.
Before I know it, we’re skin to skin. I pull her up from the waist forcing her legs to wrap around me as I gently push her against the wall, her chest flush with mine, her hands anchored in my hair, my mouth in a frenzy . . . nipping, kissing, and devouring hers.
“Need . . . you,” she breathes out achingly.
Her call speaks to me, and in an instant I’m inside her. Savoring her warmth, burying every inch of me inside her, satisfying the need that only she can fill. We move in sync, every movement is filled with emotion—a tilt of my hips is welcomed by her own, every thrust matched by hers. I give, she takes; and together we chase the completion we both crave . . . a completion we both need . . .
“Love you,” she murmurs against my lips.
The look in her eyes as those words leave her lips renews every part of me that needs revival . . . it erases every doubt . . . heals every hurt and echoes every single thing she has taught me. . . . that everything has a season, and right now. . . .
It’s a season of love—of life.
TAMI
“SO, WHAT’S THE SOS, TAMI?” Roxy asks as she sips on her coffee.
Trish nudges Roxy then says, “Thank God for moms, right? I wouldn’t have been able to leave at the drop of a hat without mom living with us.”
I blow out a loud sigh catching their attention which is matched with worried stares. Their stares make me even more nervous, not for myself but for Nick, because I want them so badly to accept him as my own.
“We’re seriously thinking of adopting Nick. What do you guys think? Would you guys love him? Like, love him . . . love him?” I nervously start firing off questions. Perhaps, I’m more afraid of their answer rather than the questions themselves.
“Whoa! Breathe, woman,” Roxy says, while she has her hands palms out, trying to calm me down.
I gaze over at Trish who’s shaking her head. Is that disappointment? Shock, maybe? What that hell is that look for? With my brows scrunched up in confusion, Trish finally speaks.
“I. . . . I’m just surprised that you’d even ask us that question. What do you think we’ll do? Disown you? Treat Nick differently?” She stops and plays with her coffee mug then says, “I love Nick simply because he loves you. God, after Dominic’s death, you were lifeless . . .”
“Pssh, you’re being nice, Trish.” Roxy interrupts her, “She was more like a zombie. Let’s be real here.”
Trish rolls her eyes, then glares at my cousin who sticks out her tongue at her.
“Anyway, going back to you being lifeless before I was rudely interrupted . . .” It’s Trish’s turn to stick her tongue at Roxy. “That boy brought meaning back into your life. Not only life, but hope. . . . love. . . . dreams . . . everything. So, to answer your question, I already love Nick. We all do.”
I swing my gaze back to Roxy who seems to be deep in thought, which makes me nervous. Roxy’s past doesn’t allow her to trust easily, but hopefully since Nick is a child that rule doesn’t apply to him.
“What do you think, Rox?”
“Tami, if there’s anyone outside this family that loves you just like Brian does, it’s that boy.”
Trish interrupts her this time, “What am I, chopped liver? Gee, thanks.”
Roxy glares at Trish. “Woman, you’re testing me. You have a vagina. I’m talking about the male population of our family.” Turning my way she says, “From the moment he showed me the picture of you and Carrie, to how he gushes over you, I was on board with the adoption. I actually suggested it early on to Brian. That’s how strongly I feel about Nick. He is a Godsend, T. No doubt . . . no doubt whatsoever.”
Tears and sobs of joy escape my eyes and mouth. I’m overjoyed with everything they’ve told me. It’s the same thing my parents told me. Every word is a confirmation of what my heart feels, and what my head tells me.
“I . . . I don’t know how to explain it. But, I’m glad both of you understands it. He’s renewed everything in me. I can’t even begin to pinpoint how it all started. His touch . . . his touch healed me. The instant his little hands held my face, I knew
. . . he had to be mine. Am I crazy?” I shake my head as I wipe my eyes. “I . . . I don’t think so?”
“What does your heart tell you?” Trish asks solemnly.
“My heart doesn’t tell me anything. My heart feels him—I feel him.”
“Then, follow your heart. It has never steered you wrong. In fact, it has never steered our group wrong, T.”
“Trish is right, Tami. You’ve always spoken and acted from the heart. Why stop now? Brian already loves Nick. Practically, everybody loves Nick. Actually, everyone is just waiting for you to get on board.”
“I just feel guilty, sometimes. I mean my happiness is also Nick’s sadness because of Carrie’s death. A part of me thinks he’ll never love me as his mother.”
Trish reaches across the table and holds my hand. “Tami, only God knows why things happened the way they did. It’s hard to figure out His plan in all of this, but one thing is clear, everything happens for a reason. Everyone we meet isn’t by circumstance or coincidence. It’s all part of His plan. Don’t question it—embrace it. I’ve questioned why Dylan was taken from me, but you know what? He gave me Jake, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I’ll go through the pain ten times over because Jake is worth every tear.”
“Don’t you think it’s too soon?” I field them another question that’s been bothering me.
“Too soon? Who are you, and what have you done to my cousin? Love is love, T. It happens when it happens. You’ve always said that everything has a season. At this very moment, I can honestly tell you, it’s your season of loving Nick. As it is his season of loving you.”
Sighing deeply I say, “Thank you.”
“For what?” Both answer in unison.
“For loving and accepting him.”
“What does your dad always say?” Roxy asks wearing her signature smile that’s infectious as hell.
Trish and I answer at the same time, copying my dad’s voice, “Anyone who loves the women in my family is welcome in our circle of trust.”
A smile escapes my lips. “Our circle just keeps getting bigger and bigger.”
Roxy retorts, “Big . . . oh it’s big, alright.”
Trish seconds, “Definitely, bigger . . .”
With that question finally off my chest, I feel more at ease. Not that I wasn’t. Nick has gone through a great loss and making life easier for him is my number one priority. Any mother would—Carrie would expect that from me.
BRIAN
“Are the papers being drawn as we speak?” Jake asks.
“Yes. I want everything done, ASAP. This waiting game is killing me.”
Cody says, “Good things come to those who wait.”
LT claps. “Finally! Thank you, God! My brother-in-law is growing up.”
“You’re lucky you’re a Secret Service Agent now; otherwise, I’d destroy that pretty boy image you got going on.”
I cock my head and ask, “LT, what’s your opinion about this whole adoption thing?”
“Is that what you and Tami want?” Of course he answers with a question.
“One hundred percent,” I answer confidently.
“Then my opinion is one hundred percent in agreement with yours. As long as it makes sense up here.” He points at his head. “And, you feel it right here.” He points at his chest. “Then, you’re good to go, man.”
Jake’s somber voice echoes in the night. “Would you guys try again?”
Without wasting a second I quip, “Of course. I want to fill our house with children. I know Tami’s heart is big enough to love me and then some. She’s a mother by nature . . . a nurturer. Why would I deny my child that?”
“Aren’t you scared of what might happen? What if the same thing happens again?” Cody asks, worry lacing his voice.
“I can’t live on assumptions, Cody. I’ve done it all my life—all my life. I’m stepping out on faith, knowing that it’s all going to work out. We’re going to seek sound medical advice, sure. But fear . . . that shit has no place in our home.” I start to laugh, surprised that they’re actually talking me out of it. “I can’t believe you guys are talking me out of trying again.”
“After seeing my sister’s heart break when Dominic died, I finally understood why you were afraid. I . . .” Jake clears his throat and stops for a moment. “I don’t think I could survive losing one of my kids. I suppose, God knew it, too. I’m sorry for judging you, B.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jake. It’s moments like this I actually, believe it or not, thank Him for allowing me to experience the hurt and the loss. Now, I know that I’m capable of loving someone who didn’t come from me and my wife. I suppose that’s a real test of love. It’s a given to love your own, but it causes one to question the trueness of that love when you’re called to love someone who didn’t come from you. Nick taught us to love in the purest sense, and the lesson behind it is indescribable. I’ll give and do anything for that child. I love him like my own simply because he loved us first. He loved my wife without question, and he loved me without hesitation. Nick made us move when moving was the hardest thing to do. He healed our hearts when the spark was taken away from us.”
Out of the blue, Jack speaks surprising us. “Nick has extinguished a feeling of desolation in you and Tami. And quite frankly, to every one of us. For me, he showed me the power of unconditional love. I thought I already knew it. In fact, I thought I’d shown you guys the meaning of it. But, seeing it in Nick’s eyes, it humbled me. He lost his mother, but when he saw my daughter and felt the sadness that enclosed her, he took it upon himself to touch her. He touched her . . . then awoken that part of her that had given up the fight. One touch and he gave me the greatest gift a father could ask for. He gave my daughter back to me.”
A moment of silence ensues. An understanding, maybe, of what we’ve lost and gained. The painful remembrance of losing Dominic, and the healing that Nick brings.
It’s true what Tami has been hammering all this time. That everything has a season—a moment in time where His will needs to happen, and its acceptance needs to be received. My sons, Dominic and Nick have shown me that. I don’t see it as death and life, or loss and gain. I see it as a season of loving and letting go. I have to let go to love, just as I have to love to let go.
TAMI
IT’S BEEN FOUR MONTHS SINCE my shower session with Brian as Roxy puts it. Does it hurt remembering Dominic, I can honestly say it doesn’t—not anymore. What I feel is longing instead of pain. Acceptance of what is, truly healed my heart; while it took me a very long time to achieve it, I’m glad I did.
Looking back, would I travel this road again? Definitely, because it’s on that road I lost a piece of my heart that filled me with despair, but it’s also on that road where I found a piece of my heart again. In this journey, I remember holding Dominic as everything around me looked dark—bleak. However, once I reached the end of the road, a rainbow greeted me with a little boy I had never met, who chose to love me and captured my heart in the process.
We’ve grown closer as the days go by, especially when Brian is at work. Carrie stating in her last will that Brian’s parents are Nick’s guardians made his adoption easier than most. It’s surreal how everything worked out. Who would have thought Carrie and I would love the same child? Looking back now, I understand why I’ve always felt a connection with her. Perhaps, it was designed this way; where our roads would somehow cross. . . . where hers ends and mine begins. How could I doubt His hands in this? I won’t—not ever.
While we wait to be called at the court house, I start to replay the times that have made our family the family I’ve always dreamed of, like a movie in my mind.
“Brian, are you sure he’s warming up to me? I think he’s scared of me.”
He chuckles then says, “Who said you scared him off? If my memory serves me right, he said, and I quote ‘when will she snap out of it.’ He got that from Neil by the way.” He leans to kiss me and says against my lips, “He loves you, Tami . . .
just like I do.”
“Do you want more coffee?”
“Nah, I have to get going. Cody and I need to finish something ASAP; otherwise, Gunny will rip us a new one.”
I pull his arm when he tries to avoid looking at me. “Everything is okay, right? You’ve been staying late at the office.”
He smiles. I know to appease me, but just the same, my mind starts spinning and going in a direction I dare not visit anytime soon.
“It’s just the move, T. Closing down the L.A. office, and everything involved with that’s a major headache. Everything is okay. You know I’d tell you if something were up.”
He walks toward the door, but turns and says, “Don’t forget; Nick likes sunny side up and toast with jelly, no butter.”
I roll my eyes at him, upset that he knows more about Nick than I do. “You’ve only told me ten times since we woke up, honey. I know.”
Brian stalks toward me as I play coy with him, backing away until I hit the kitchen island, then he cages me with his arms, his body flush against mine. His emerald eyes boring into mine while my gray ones dare him to make use of the hardness I’m feeling against my belly.
“You being sassy with me?”
“I don’t know. That’s for me to know and you to find out, big guy.”
“You want me, now?”
“I always want you.”
He leans forward as I lean back avoiding his lips from making contact with mine, while my nether region is seriously wanting to be impaled by his very eager member.
“Playing hard to get?”
“No . . . not ever.”
“Daddy? Daddy!”
His forehead lands on my neck while I shake from trying to control my laughter.
“This is not happening. This is all a dream. I’m dreaming, right?”
“You’re needed, Daddy.”
“Three straight days, T! Three!”
He walks toward Nick’s room muttering to himself something about having Nick spend the night at his parents house. I turn to follow him, needing to see why Nick called for him. I lean against the wall to hide, not wanting Nick to stop once he sees me.