by Duggan, C. J
Amy lay next to me on her side, resting her head casually on her hand as she watched him go.
“God, I love that man,” she said dreamily. “I have never felt more loved and so blessed than I do having him in my life.”
It was a surprisingly candid and heartfelt admission from Amy – so touching to hear her say that.
I would have smiled had I not taken it upon myself at that very moment to burst into tears.
Amy sat up like she had received an electric shock. “Hey, hey – Tammy, what’s wrong?” She pulled my hands away from my face.
I shook my head, trying to shrug her insistent hands away. I felt so stupid.
Amy scrambled off the bed and quickly shut the door, before moving to sit by my side.
“Hun, what’s wrong?” she asked, brushing the hair away from my face as I hugged my pillow.
I didn’t know how to answer that.
Nothing? Everything?
I really didn’t know myself, which only made me even more miserable as the sobs hitched at the bottom of my throat.
Amy’s chin wobbled. “Tammy, don’t cry, please don’t, it’s going to be all right,” she said soothingly, rubbing my back.
There was a knock on the door before it opened a crack and Toby stuck his head in. It only took him a second to realise that it really wasn’t a good time.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to …” he stammered. “I just wanted to ask Tammy for my shoes.” He grimaced, as if he really hated to ask.
It was the final nail in the coffin of my pity party as I wailed into my pillow, my shoulders convulsing. I’d completely lost it.
“I’ll, um … I’ll come back later.” Toby closed the door quickly.
Amy rubbed my back more urgently now, as she shushed me and spoke gentle, soothing words like a best friend should. She also gave up asking questions; instead, she did the one thing I needed. She moved quietly to turn off the light and gently crawled into the bed, shuffling into the space behind my back, sliding her arm around me securely.
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “I’m here now.”
***
The next time I awoke was less of a rude awakening. I woke naturally and rubbed at my sore, swollen eyes before rolling onto my back, expecting to find Amy there. But she was gone. She had probably waited for her psychotic friend to cry herself to sleep, and crept out of the room wishing she had left me behind in Onslow.
I dragged myself out of bed, never having been more thankful for having my own en suite bathroom. I looked at my puffy, bloodshot eyes in the reflection and saw a stranger. I saw a girl so full of misery and self-pity it made my stomach turn. This was what Amy had found. She had no doubt been just as surprised as I had been when Sean pulled into the drive; she had no doubt, in true Amy style, raced up to my apartment to jump around and celebrate with me to share the excitement. Instead, she had found a crumpled mess, crying in her plush suite, offering no more explanation than cryptic sobs.
That wasn’t fair. She must have been so worried.
Tonight was the night. It really was; it was the last night of 1999 before the clock ticked over to a new millennium. It would probably be the last time any of us would go on a trip like this together, and after I confronted the people I needed to, it would probably be the last time we were even in the same room together. Things would never be the same again. I just had to work out when to do it.
I either ruined their lives this year, or next year. Neither option was fantastic.
As I washed my face and stared at my sullen reflection in the mirror, I made up my mind.
One more night.
One more night of living the lie, one more night in which we were together, all friends, under the belief that life was grand and weren’t we lucky. Yes, one more night to kiss it all goodbye. It was rather poetic really; as we would count down to a new beginning, a new millennium, everyone would be none the wiser that it was all about to end.
Maybe Chris could have been prepared if he hadn’t drawn the ignorance-is-bliss card, the one that had made me so furious it probably explained my tears more than anything else.
I had put too much hope in Chris, hope that I could share the burden of Toby and Ellie’s secret, that Chris would be there when I needed him most.
But he wasn’t.
Before any of this I had been an intelligent, driven person who didn’t define herself by anyone else, but during this trip I had become a lovesick mess, dependent on the whims of a sullen, stubborn man. That intelligent, independent woman was still in me, I knew she was, but the person I saw now was more like the insecure, frizzy-haired, invisible girl from long ago.
I don’t think so.
I squared my shoulders, delved into my make-up bag and applied some bronzer, lip balm and a touch of mascara – not even waterproof mascara. Now I really couldn’t shed any more tears.
I ran a brush through my long, light golden brown hair and swept it over one shoulder.
That was better. I felt better by simply looking less pitiful. I hoped that I looked less like I had in the foetal position in a blubbering mess and more like a diva ready to count down to the year 2000. Okay, so I would never be a diva, but at the very least my mind’s position for the night was to party like it was 1999.
Chapter Fifty-One
I made my way into the living room and conversation immediately came to a halt.
Awkward.
Ellie, Amy and Tess were all lounging around on the couches with champagne flutes in hand. The boys were nowhere to be seen.
“Hey, Tim-Tam.” Ellie jumped up, bouncing her way over to me, embracing me with a hug. I stiffened against her hug. This pretending everything was fine for the night was going to be really hard.
“Hey.” I smiled, hoping it seemed real.
“Can you believe this place?” She beamed.
“What I can’t believe is that Adam kept a secret,” Tess said, moving past Ellie and hugging me.
“Are you okay?” She squeezed me tight.
“Yeah, fine.”
Okay, this was going to be really, really hard.
“True,” laughed Ellie as she topped up her champagne glass. “He is a shocker for keeping secrets.”
Unlike you.
“Where are the boys?” I asked as Amy passed me a glass of champagne.
“Probably bonding in the bar,” said Tess, “but I think we will allow that.” She winked.
“Hells yeah, they can do whatever they like,” Ellie said. “They’ve earned enough brownie points for the next millennium. Cheers, ladies, here’s to this year and the next.” Ellie held up her flute.
“Cheers!”
We all clinked our glasses together, followed by me sculling mine and holding my flute out for more, much to the amazement of the others.
“Go, Tammy!” laughed Tess.
Yep, everyone was buying it. Good. I sculled my next glass and glanced at Amy mid-gulp; she looked less than happy about my party-girl attitude.
After downing the last of the champagne from my glass, I clinked it down on the kitchen bench with a gasp of satisfaction.
“Let’s order room service!”
***
Come seven o’clock and four empty plates of chocolate mud cake, we decided to think about tonight’s wardrobe.
“Oh my God, I almost forgot,” said Tess as she jumped out of her chair and ran down the hall.
I looked around at the others. They shrugged and shook their heads, obviously none the wiser, either. I heard the rustling of a plastic bag long before Tess reappeared with something behind her back.
“Bell gave this to me before she left Evoka, just in case she didn’t make it here.” Tess smiled at me. “Close your eyes.”
“Um, okay …” I said, obeying.
“Hold out your hands.”
I did as she asked, waiting anxiously as she gently placed a plastic bag onto my waiting hands. They dipped slightly under the delicate weight.
&n
bsp; “Okay. Open them.” Tess clapped.
I opened my eyes to find, yep, a white plastic bag. I peered inside.
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“What? What is it?” Amy sidled up next to me.
I shook my head. “It’s official, I am completely in love with Bell,” I said laughing, as I turfed the bag upside down and a bundle of fabric spilled onto the floor.
The dress from Evoka Springs.
“Oooh, pretty. What is that?” Tess asked.
“I tried this on at the hippy shop in Evoka. I really liked it but I put it back on the rack,” I said, rubbing the soft, layered fabric between my fingers.
Ellie’s eyes lit up. “That is so what you’re wearing tonight.”
I stood and held the long skirt to my hips, musing about how I didn’t buy it because I didn’t want to stand out. I was afraid about what others might think, but so much had changed in two short days and now I wanted to wear it more than ever.
“I feel a fashion parade coming on,” announced Amy.
“Quick! Before the boys get back,” said Tess.
“Crap! Wait for me – I’ll have to grab my stuff from my room,” said Amy as she dodged past a coffee table.
“Me too.” Ellie followed her out of the room.
Tess stopped mid-step into her room, confusion lining her face. “Ellie, where are you crashing tonight?”
“Ugh! I’ve been checked into the honeymoon suite with Sean, Amy, Stan and Bell. As if that’s not going to be awkward,” said Ellie, rolling her eyes.
“Hey, we’re not that bad,” Amy said, glowering, by the front door.
“As long as you don’t keep me awake with your kissy-kissy noises all night,” Ellie said as she followed her out of the door. It swung shut with a heavy bang behind them.
So it seemed Chris had made arrangements for Ellie to be placed in their apartment before they had arrived. It had been the last conversation we had had. I cringed at how pathetic I had been, how needy, how pitiful I was when I had asked him to stay. But I didn’t see him coming to sleep in the now spare room. As far as I knew he was still sharing an apartment with Adam and Ringer tonight. I was grateful that he had organised it, yet it was still a rather anticlimactic ending to what had been a trip full of surprises.
Since the boys were catching up in the bar, us girls swanned about getting ready. It wasn’t a completely awful situation, aside from being stuck between Tess and Ellie and not knowing where to look.
“The honeymoon suite? Poor Ellie.” Tess pouted as we went to the main bathroom with our arms full of make-up and hair product.
Yeah, poor Ellie, I thought. If only Tess knew.
It didn’t take Amy and Ellie long before they were knocking on the door to be let back in. I opened the door and they walked in with clothes draped over their shoulders and make-up bags in hand, arguing over the gripping subject of whether to wear their hair up or down.
“Well, I’m going for down,” declared Ellie as she padded her way to share the bathroom with Tess. I watched her and wondered how she could even sleep at night, how she could be so casual about betraying her best friend and lying to her face.
“You okay?” Amy touched my hand, breaking me from my death stare.
“Oh, yeah, fine.” I tried for an airy shrug-off, but Amy was not buying it for a second.
“Well, you weren’t quite fine an hour ago.”
“I think I was just overtired,” I said, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh, well, if that’s all it was I kind of feel bad about abusing Chris now.”
My eyes snapped up to meet hers. “What?”
“Well, what was I meant to do? You weren’t talking and there was only one person who could have made you so upset and that was my idiot cousin. So I may or may not have ripped him a new one.”
“You know, when you say I may or may not have, it usually means you did.”
“Well, yeah, I totally did.” She grimaced.
“Ammmyyyy,” I groaned and thumped the back of my head against the hall wall. “He would have had no idea what you were talking about.”
“I don’t know about that. When I told him how upset you were, he seemed really concerned; it took all my strength to stop him from marching to your room and kicking the door down to see if you were all right.”
I inwardly cringed. Why? Why did she have to tell him about my meltdown? He probably thought I was some oversensitive clingy girl, flipping through bridal magazines and picking out names for our children.
“Yeah, well, I don’t see him breaking down the door to check on me now,” I said, my heart sinking a little.
“After the tongue-lashing I gave him, don’t be surprised if he gives you some space tonight.”
“Ta-DA!” Ellie jumped into the room wearing her tight, electric blue ’80s dress with shoulder pads that would make Joan Collins envious. Ellie sashayed her best runway walk down the hall.
“What do you think?” she asked as she cocked her hip, did the three-second pouty stare off into the make-believe crowd before turning and criss-crossing her legs as she swayed her hips back down the hall.
“I thought you were going to take the shoulder pads out,” said Amy.
Ellie peered at her shoulder. “They are ludicrously huge, aren’t they? But I don’t know, they are kind of growing on me.”
“Well, be prepared for Adam to give you shit about them for the entire night, then,” Amy warned.
“What else is new?” Ellie said, rolling her eyes.
A knock sounded on the door and Ellie froze mid-stride, her eyes bugging out. “Wait, don’t let them in,” she squealed and ran to hide in the bathroom as best she could in her skin-tight dress.
A part of me wanted to follow her and hide in the bathroom too, my heart slamming violently against the wall of my chest. I knew Amy had meant well but she had turned an already awkward situation with Chris into … Well … I guessed I would find out.
As Amy headed for the door, I straightened and lifted my chin.
Remember, Tammy: positive!
Amy squinted through the spy hole before she looked at me with surprise.
“It’s Chris and Toby.”
Holy shit!
“Wait-wait-wait, don’t open the door,” I whispered to Amy as I quick-stepped down the hall.
“Where are you going?” laughed Amy.
“I’m getting ready. No! I’m asleep. No! I’m in the shower … No-no, I’m, I’m …”
Amy wound her hands in a circle as if to say spit it out. A fist pounded on the door again, making me jump.
“Just go.” Amy ushered me away. “I’ll say you’re on the phone, or trapped under a vending machine or something.”
I was going to argue but Amy was already opening the door. I dived into my room and slammed the door behind me, pressing my back against it, trying to still my breath.
Who was avoiding who now?
Chapter Fifty-Two
I was a prisoner.
Sitting on the edge of my bed with my hands neatly clasped in my lap, I heard voices and laughter in the living room. Ellie, Amy and Tess were being sociable; I was the only weirdo who refused to come out and say hello.
I should have gone out and said hello; I was being rude and weird. Regardless of what Amy had said I should have just gone out and pretended everything was okay.
I stood and wiped my clammy hands on my skirt, took in a deep breath. I rested my hand on the gold door handle.
Everything was clearly not okay.
The room would be filled with Toby, Tess, Ellie and Chris, and Amy would burn her speculative gaze into my temple.
And what if Toby was here to pick up his shoes? Just as I was about to back away from the door, the voices in the other room became louder, making their way up toward the hall again. I dared not move (okay, I moved enough to press my ear up against the door).
This is what I had resorted to.
“Well, come down when you’re ready
, we’ll just be in the bar,” I heard Chris say.
“Of course you will,” scoffed Amy.
Silence.
“She still on the phone?” asked Chris.
“Uh, yeah, must be,” Amy said.
Silence.
“Okay! Well, see ya down there,” Amy’s voice went up a few stress-induced octaves; I had visions of her pushing them out of the door, which was probably what must have happened because when I heard the click of the door shutting my shoulders sagged with relief.
I blew out a long breath and ripped the door open.
“Thank God! I thought they would never lea—”
I froze in the doorway, my eyes locking with Chris’s as he leaned on the opposite wall, arms folded across his chest.
Busted.
He cocked his brow with interest. “You were saying?”
My mouth gaped and I looked to Amy for an explanation. She stared at the floor, walls, the ceiling – anywhere but at me.
“I’m so sorry,” she mouthed.
Betrayal was a bitter pill to swallow. Still, I didn’t have to wonder too hard to guess how it had come about. Chris would have tilted his head for Toby to go out of the door then looked at Amy and pressed his finger against his lips as he motioned for her to shut the door. Then he leaned against the wall opposite my door. I didn’t even give him time to settle in and get comfy as it had taken me all of 1.5 seconds to come bursting out.
My brows knitted together as I stared, not at Amy, but locked my eyes firmly on Chris whose own burning gaze darkened as the defiant staring competition began.
Amy shuffled awkwardly next to Chris. “Um, I’ll give you two a minute.”
I could feel her wanting to grab my attention, for me to give her a nod of forgiveness, but I couldn’t break eye contact from Chris; I didn’t even so much as bat an eyelid.
“All righty, then,” she breathed as she slowly backed away. “I’ll just leave you two to it, then.”
So he was here and he was pissed off. I could tell that Chris Henderson, a man of few words, was itching to say something. It was as if I could hear the cogs of speculation turning inside his head.