by Carian Cole
"Hey," I say excitedly. "Is that for our wishes?"
"Of course. I don't sit here and make wishes alone."
I jump up and run over to grab the bottle. "Can we throw pennies in the pond? Or will it hurt the fish?"
"We can. I washed them all first to make sure there was nothin' on them."
"You're awesome." I shake out two pennies, put the jar back, and join him on the bench again, handing him one of the copper coins.
"You go first," he says. "You've been sick."
I laugh at him. "It was just a cold."
"You called it the worst friggin’ cold ever."
"It felt pretty bad at the time."
"They always do."
I hang onto my penny for a second and then toss it in the water, making sure it doesn't bonk one of the fish in the head. We're quiet for a few minutes as I think about my wish and how best to word it. I knew what I was going to wish for long before I threw my penny in, but now I'm not sure I have the courage to say it out loud.
"So?" He urges. "What did you wish for this time? It should be a big one, you just graduated high school and have a whole new slate in front of you."
I take a deep breath and watch the koi circle slowly over my penny as if they know what's about to happen.
"I wish you'd kiss me again." I say softly, grateful for the breeze blowing my hair across my face at that exact moment, hopefully hiding the yearning that I'm sure is overly evident in my eyes.
He doesn't look at me. In fact, he goes completely still and I'm not even sure he's breathing, to be honest. My pulse quickens as I wait and a swirling warmth manifests in the pit of my stomach.
"I didn't kiss you, Kenzi." He finally says. I can't see his eyes, because he's still leaning on his knees with his chin resting on his hands, so I'm left staring at the back of his head.
"Yes, you did." Does he think I imagined the most epic kiss of my life thus far?
"It was an accident." Again, with the emotionless tone that's totally foreign to me.
"Are you kidding?" I say, my voice rising slightly.
"No," he says simply. "I'm not."
No way. I'm not going to let him put himself into denial over this.
"How do you accidentally kiss someone, exactly?"
Now I can hear him breathing, and he lets out a deep sigh. "I don't want to talk about this." He moves to stand but I quickly grab his arm and pull him back down on the bench.
"Please don't walk away."
He turns his face up to the sky and takes another deep breath, shaking his head. "Fine, Kenzi. It never should have happened. It was a fucked up, spur-of-the moment thing because we were both all ramped up about saving the dog and we just kinda...collided."
"Collided?" I repeat. Is he serious?
"Yeah, and I'm sorry it happened. My mind was just fucked for a few seconds. I would never touch you, Kenzi. Not like that. You know that, right?" He turns sideways to look at me and his eyes are troubled, searching mine like he's lost and confused and needs me to set him back straight again.
I swallow hard over the lump growing in my throat. "Of course I know that, but I don't want it to be a mistake. I liked it."
His eyes close for a long moment before he opens them to meet mine again. "Kenzi, no. It was wrong on about a thousand levels. It didn't mean anything."
I slowly shake my head, refusing to let that be true. "No. I thought it meant a lot, actually."
He stands up and hurls his penny into the woods, and that just deepens the blow of what he's saying to me. Our little wish moments have always been special to us and he just threw one away like it meant nothing.
"We're not talking about this, Kenzi. This subject is over, you got it? Just drop it."
I stand and grab his arm again, forcing him to look at me, and he glares down, his dark eyes narrowing at me.
"No, Tor. I don't got it. What if I don't want to drop it? You going to spank me and take me home like a little baby? I'm a little old for that now, don't ya think? Can't we sit here and talk about our collision like adults?"
"Stop taunting me," he says through clenched teeth. "We're done with this. I want you to forget it happened."
"I want to talk about it."
His eyes flash at me, his mouth set in a tight line. "Did you tell anyone?"
"No, of course not. I'm not stupid."
"I hope not. This isn't funny, Kenzi. It's serious. I'm not some fucking high school kid. You're a teenager and I'm an adult. I own a respectable business in this town, I can't have people spreading rumors about me."
"Don't you think I know all that? Why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything wrong. Please stop being so mad at me and talk to me."
He shakes his head vigorously. "No. I want you to forget it happened. That's exactly what I'm doing."
"I can't." I confess with a shaky voice.
"Then try harder," his voice is deep and spiked with venom. He's never spoken to me like this, and I ache for the man that's been nothing but sweet and comforting to me for the past seventeen years. I've never been the target of his anger and I'm not liking this side of him at all.
Tears start to roll down my cheeks and I wipe at them, annoyed that I can't control my emotions. I don't want him to perceive me as a little girl having a tantrum.
"Wow. Maybe Sydni and Lisa were right about what they said to you. You can't communicate at all."
He takes a few steps away, his fists clenched at his sides, then comes back to face me.
"Don't even throw that shit in my face. This is completely fucking different. You better watch where you're treading, Kenzi. You may not like where you end up."
I cringe away from his fury. "I'm sorry. I just want you to talk to me."
"Look, what happened was a mistake and I'm sorry it's got your head all messed up, but we both need to just forget it. It was wrong and it's making me sick thinking about it, let alone talking about it."
His words are like a slap to my face and a knife straight through my heart. "I make you feel sick?" I ask in disbelief.
"No, Angel, not like that," his voice softens as he realizes how harsh he's acting. "It's just wrong. You're only seventeen for God's sake."
"So?" I sniffle.
He smiles in wonder at me. "So?" he repeats, letting out a little laugh.
I nod. "Yeah, so?"
Pulling me into his chest, he hugs me and kisses the top of my head, just as he did when I was a little girl. "That's such a you answer. I don't want to fight, Kenzi. Not with you, not ever. But you gotta let this go. I'm sorry I let this happen. I'm just fucked up sometimes."
"You're not fucked up," I say defensively into his chest.
He slowly pulls away and looks down into my eyes, his full of turmoil. "I am. And now you're seeing it firsthand, and I fucking hate it. I liked it when you looked at me like I was some kind of hero who made everything in the world all better for you."
"But you do. You always have."
Smiling weakly, he shakes his head and swipes his thumbs across my damp cheeks. "I can't stand to see you cry. Please let this go, I'm begging you. Can you do that? For me?"
Nodding tearfully, I say yes. Because I'll do anything for him.
But I know I'm not going to be able to let this go. I'll never forget how it felt to be kissed by him. If I live to be a hundred, I still won't forget or let it go.
12
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age seven
Toren ~ age twenty-two
Sydni is sitting on my lap and we're making out in a dark corner of Asher's apartment when I feel something tugging on my leg. Pulling away from Sydni's lips, I look down to see Kenzi staring at me with wide eyes.
I wipe Sydni's red lipstick off my lips with the back of my hand as I'm being scrutinized by a seven year old. "Hey kiddo, shouldn't you be in bed?"
"Why?"
"Because it's late and your mom and dad have friends over."
"So?"
"I know I saw your
mom put you to bed."
"I couldn't sleep," she turns her narrowed gaze towards Sydni. "Why is she on your lap? I sit on your lap. Nobody else."
Sydni laughs and snakes her arm around my neck. "Kenzi, honey, you should go back to bed. Do you want me to find your mommy? I think she's in the kitchen."
Kenzi glares at her. "No. Thank you," she holds a piece of paper out to me. "I drew this for you Uncle Tor."
Smiling, I shift Sydni off me and take the piece of paper from Kenzi's hand. She's drawn a black heart with a scribble in the middle and with the new calligraphy pen I gave her, she's written "Uncle Tor, I love you the most. Love, Kenzi" and her words actually look really good even though they're a little crooked. I can tell she's been practicing.
"This is beautiful, Angel. Look how pretty your letters came out."
She beams at me. "I did the swash like you showed me in the book."
"I see that. I'm going to keep it forever."
"Really? You promise?"
"I promise."
Kenzi
"Why do I need a website? I have Facebook."
Chloe sighs at me and doesn't take her eyes off her laptop screen. I'm perched next to her at the desk in her bedroom, watching her fingers fly over the keyboard.
"Facebook isn't the internet, Kenzi. I mean, yeah it's great for socializing and you can use it for a place for customers to find you and see your work, but you really want a website to showcase your portfolio so you look like a real professional. I can even add an order form."
I chew my lip as I stare at her screen. "Are you sure? I doubt I'll get many orders, Chloe."
"I think you're wrong. Look at this list we made of things you can do with your calligraphy instead of just handwritten invitations. The tattoos and the custom handwritten wall art is awesome. Trust me, it'll start out slow and then it will take off."
"If you say so," I appreciate her confidence in me, I'm just not sure myself yet if people will actually pay for my calligraphy. It's taken her two weeks to convince me to let her design a website for me. She seems excited to have the project to work on since she's going to college soon for marketing and graphic design. So in a way, I'm sorta her guinea pig, which I don't mind at all.
"By the end of the week I'll have this all up and running for you," she assures me. "You'll love it, it will look great."
"I trust you. In the meantime, I'll send you some pictures of my work so you can add them when you're ready."
She shuts her laptop lid and turns to me. "Okay, girl. Tell me what your plans are for the summer. Are you going to Maine to stay with your aunt? I really wish you were coming to New York with me. I just don't get why you won't go to college. You're smart, and it'd be crazy fun. Do you have any idea how many new people you'd meet? New York City is freakin' amazing. And with your dad’s connections, we could get into all the cool clubs."
I push my hair out of my face, tired of having this same conversation with everyone for the past two months. "I just don't think it's for me. I don't have that inner drive in me to want to go to college, or party, or start some kind of career, or get away from my family. I honestly don't know why."
She tilts her head at me thoughtfully. "Maybe your parents dragged you around too much when you were younger. I think that made you just want to stay in one place. For some people, it would do the opposite, where they'd want to keep traveling as much as possible since that's what they're used to. It seems like it had the opposite effect on you. I think you need to feel settled. There's nothing wrong with that, though, Kenz."
I nod slowly, taking that in. "I think you're right. I just want calm and quiet, and a sense of security and home."
"You better at least come visit me. You can't just stay in this tiny town and wither away. You have to get out sometimes."
"Of course, I'll visit. I'm going to miss you like crazy. It's not that far, though. I could drive, or even fly."
"We can shop our asses off when you visit."
"We definitely will," I agree. I don't know anyone who loves to shop as much as Chloe does, and every time we go shopping, she insists on buying some ridiculously random thing that she will never, ever use, and then she'll wrap one of those things up in the gaudiest wrapping paper she can find and give it to me on my birthday. It's a silly joke she started when we were younger, and now I look forward to it every year.
"I'm not sure if I'm going to Maine this year or not," I say as Chloe starts to put bright pink nail polish on her nails. She'll probably want to do mine next, and I will inevitably smudge at least three nails by the time I get home.
"Why? I thought you loved going there." Every year for the past six years I've spent summer break in Maine with my mom's older sister, Katherine, who owns and runs a Bed and Breakfast in a beautiful Victorian house right by the water. This year I'm just not sure I want to be away for almost three months, especially since Chloe will be leaving for college soon, and my father will be going on tour in the Fall.
My cell phone beeps with a text, and when I see his name on my screen, my heart jumps in that new way that it does every time he texts me.
It's been a week since the talk we had in his back yard about the collision, and that night I changed his name in my contacts from Uncle Tor to Tor. I knew in my heart I was never going to call him my uncle again. Not after I knew what it felt like to be kissed by him, and not after the daydreams I've been having about him. Seeing the dream version of us was like looking into a crystal ball, and I saw our relationship in a new way that now I couldn't forget. It also forced me to face several unexpected truths. I'm insanely attracted to him physically and mentally. I want to take care of him, and I want to be the person who makes him smile every day. I don't want him to be any sort of uncle to me or be my dad's best friend. I want him to be mine. Thinking back, I can't deny that some of these feelings started to grow in me a very long time ago, like a seed that's been slowly blossoming over the years, growing as we grew together. For as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be close to him and now it's evolved into something far beyond friendship and guardianship.
I'm not entirely delusional. I know I shouldn't be thinking of him in that way. I was raised thinking of him as my uncle and he is my Godfather. Those memories can't be wiped away from our history. He's my dad's best friend. He's almost twice my age. But with each day that passes, those facts seem less valid to me, and the feelings I'm having for him are becoming much stronger than fake titles and age differences. It's undeniable; our feelings for each other have changed. I know it, and I know he knows it. I just don't know what to do about it.
I swipe my finger across to read his text, and it's a photo of a penny laying amongst some dirt and leaves.
Tor: I found the penny I threw in the woods the other day.
Me: It hurt that you did that :(
Tor: I know. I'm sorry.
Me: It's okay. Put it back in the jar.
Tor: Some things we can't wish for. I need you to understand that.
Tears well in my eyes reading his words and I type a quick reply.
Me: I do understand. I just don't like it.
A few minutes go by and I focus on Chloe painting little flowers on my nails until my phone beeps again. Using my right hand, I swipe the screen to see his new text.
Tor: I never said I liked it either, Angel. I hate it.
I turn my phone over, so I can't see the screen anymore. If Chloe realizes I'm getting text messages that are upsetting me, she'll start asking questions, and there's no way I can tell her about this, as much as I wish I could. I'm just not ready to admit to anyone yet how I really feel about him.
His truck is in the driveway on Friday afternoon when I get to his house, and it causes a moment of panic for me. I wasn't expecting to see him today. Usually, I clean up his house, do his laundry, brush the dog, and prepare a dinner for him that's easy to heat up, and I leave.
I grab the two bags of groceries I just bought and walk down his brick walkway t
o the front door, hesitating before using my key to let myself in. I still don't feel right just walking into his house when I know he's inside. Instead, I ring the doorbell and wait.
"Come in!" He bellows.
When I step inside, I'm surprised to find him laying on the couch propped up on a bunch of pillows wearing gray sweatpants and a wrinkled white t-shirt, his hair all loose and messy like he just woke up. Diogee is sleeping on the floor next to the couch, but immediately lifts his head and wags his tail when he sees me.
"Hey...what are you doing home?" I ask, taking the bags into the adjoining kitchen and putting them on the counter. I pull out my phone and send a quick text to my dad to let him know I'm safe and sound.
"I hurt my fucking back again at the shop yesterday."
"Oh no, again? Did you take your pills?" He's had problems with his back ever since his truck was rear-ended while he was at a traffic light years ago.
He nods. "A bunch of them already. Why the hell do you keep knocking? You have a key." His tone is edgy from the pain as he turns to reorganize his pillows behind him.
I empty the grocery bags onto the kitchen table and start putting things away. "I feel weird just walking into your house when you're home. It feels rude and invasive."
"Kenzi, you can come in any time. I'd never have someone over here in the middle of the day if that's what you're worried about. I have a job, remember? And I don't walk around naked. So just come in."
"Okay," I admit I'm happy to hear he doesn't have women here during the day, but then, of course, I wonder if he has anyone over at night. I don't want to think about it.
"I was going to make you a beef and broccoli stir-fry for dinner. Do you feel alright to eat?"
"That sounds great, actually. All I've had to eat today is a Valium, Vicodin, and orange juice cocktail so real food would be good."
After I put the groceries away, I cross the room and sit on top of the coffee table in front of the couch to talk to him. His eyes are glazed from the high of the pills, making them look like glassy onyx gems.