by Carian Cole
"Everything is fine, Dad. Katherine hasn't said anything other than she's excited I'm coming. I guess I just want to get away and think about what I want to do with my life now. That's all." After the fight with Tor earlier today, I just want to get away from everything.
"I get that. I just wanted more time with you myself this summer. I have a tour in the Fall. And then again in January. I feel like you're running away from something."
I hate upsetting my father, and I worry about leaving him because I know he's lonely even though he refuses to admit it. He looks so young to me today, wearing ripped up jeans and a black shirt that's unbuttoned with all his chest and ab tats visible, and a black baseball hat on his head backward, his long hair spilling out from beneath it. He doesn't look like a typical father and sometimes I forget he's as young as he is.
"I know, Dad. I'm sorry. I'll call and text you every day. And I'll come back at the end of July or early August, so we'll still have time together before you leave."
"But I'll miss your birthday. It's your eighteenth and I wanted to have a big party for you."
I inwardly cringe. "I hate parties. When I get back, I'll have a few friends over for one of your bonfire nights. That's all I want," I smile reassuringly at him. "You don't have to do anything special for me."
His brow creases with worry. "Your mom would want something special for you for your birthday. She would want me to do something memorable for you."
"You make every day of my life special, Dad," I say, and I mean it with all my heart. Not a day goes by that he doesn't tell me and show me how much he loves me.
"You could come on tour with me. It'll be fun now that you're older. Your uncles would love to have you around."
I check the clasps on Snuggles cage to make sure they're secure before I can load her up into the backseat of my Jeep. "I might just take you up on that. Let's see how the summer goes, okay?" I'm not sure if Toren still wants me working at his shop when Gretchen leaves. I guess I'll cross that bridge later after things settle down.
"Good enough. I just want you to know, I don't want you to move out. I know a lot of kids your age want to get out on their own and get their own place or live with their friends, but I like having you here with me."
He walks over to the rabbit cage and peers in, poking his finger through the bars to pet her, then turns back to face me, and the desperation in his eyes tugs at my heart. "I can work on giving you more space and not prying into your life, and I could hire a builder and section off part of the house so you have your own apartment. This place is big enough to do that, we have rooms we don't even use. Your mom thought we'd have more kids someday..." his voice trails off, and his hand goes up to finger the tarnished silver skeleton key that hangs around his neck on a thick strand of leather. He never takes it off because it was hers. "Whatever you want, I'll do it."
"Daddy..." I won't barter with my father's love. I refuse to demand things for myself in exchange for companionship and security for him. "You don't have to do any of that. You don't bother me, you're not even home much. Trust me, I'm not in any hurry to move out."
"Good. I don't want too much to change, ya know," he swallows and meets my eyes. "I have a good feeling...about your Mom. She would want you here when she comes home. Think of all the things you can tell her-"
Counting to five, I try to level my voice. "Dad," I say sternly. "Mom isn't coming home."
We stare at each other, and I watch him fight to keep his hope alive, and damn it hurts so bad. I've stood in denial with him for years. I've refused to talk about her and what happened. I've lived in limbo with him because it seemed like the easiest way to cope with the tragedy of what happened to her. Even now, after years have passed, I still can't say the words, and neither can he. So much power hides in words, and once you speak them, you give them life, and you have to accept the truth that comes with them.
Hiding from the facts guarded my sanity for a long time, but now that I'm getting older, I know I can't run from it forever, and neither can he. It's just not right.
"I think she will," he replies, his voice soft and determined. "Having faith and love can work miracles, Kenzi. If I've taught you nothing else, please believe in that. We can't give up on her."
I chew my fingernail, swallowing back all the things I should be saying right now to bring my father back down to reality, but I can't do it to him. Who am I to smash his hopes about the love of his life? Maybe he's right, and love and faith really can defy mounting facts that point to the opposite of what we want to believe.
"I won't give up, Dad. I promise." But honestly, what I really mean is that I won't give up on my faith in him.
Hefting up the rabbit cage in his muscular arms, a smile spreads across his face, and all I can think is that I want a man to love me someday like my dad loves my mom. That unconditional, no-matter-what, I will fuck with anything that tries to get in my path type of love. I hope wherever my mom is, she knows how deeply he loves her, how he refuses to give up on her or stray from their commitment for any reason. I hope that makes her fight just as hard as he is.
"Let's get you two loaded up and on your way," he winks at me as he carefully carries my rabbit out to the hallway.
I need to do a lot of serious soul searching this summer and sort out my feelings, and not just about the whirlwind of new emotions Toren has awakened in me. Obviously, I can't live with my father forever, and I'm worried the longer I stay with him, the harder it will be to ever leave him if my mother doesn't come back like he believes she will. I'm afraid we're totally enabling each other, and not really moving on with our lives. We're going through the motions, waiting for something to happen that may never happen. How can that be good for either for us?
It takes me a little over three hours to get to Aunt Katherine's house because I felt like I had to stop at every single rest stop to use the bathroom, whether I really had to go or not. I kept worrying that if I didn't stop, I'd have to pee a few miles down the road and wouldn't be able to find another rest area. Total new driver struggles.
Driving slow with the bunny in the back seat, even though my father rigged the seatbelt around her cage to keep her from sliding around back there, seemed like the best thing to do. I wasn't exactly in a rush, and listening to my favorite music while I drove, belting out lyrics in a voice that would make my father cringe in horror, puts me in a good mood. Having my own car, and driving someplace entirely alone is giving me a new sense of freedom and independence. I can feel the stress leaving me with each passing mile. Maybe Tor is right; I really did need to get away to clear my head. Maybe I've clung to him in ways I shouldn't have and misread my own feelings for him. Hopefully, the time apart will help us figure it out so we can go back to being normal again.
"Oh my God, look at you!" Katherine exclaims, running down the driveway as I climb out of the Jeep. She immediately pulls me into a tight hug, her lavender perfume filling my lungs. "You look so grown up!"
I welcome her embrace and return it with just as much excitement. "You look gorgeous as always." It's always a bit of a shock to my heart to see her because my mother shared her same beautiful long hair, friendly eyes, and perfect smile. Katherine's hair is brown and wavy, which was also my mom's natural color but she dyed it often depending on her mood. They're ten years apart in age, but Katherine has always looked much younger than she is.
"Let me look at you!" she steps back and fluffs my hair with her hands. "I can't believe it's been a year. You really have to come more often, Kenzi. I miss you so much. I barely recognize you."
"Well, now that I can drive, I can come whenever I want. And I miss you, too." I open the back door of my Jeep, and she takes my suitcase as I unhook the rabbit cage from the seatbelt and we head inside together.
The Inn is a beautiful, three-story elegant Victorian house with four private suites and my aunt's private living space on the first floor which includes a small galley kitchen, living room, master bedroom, and guest room where I'll
be staying. Aunt Katherine likes to greet all the guests personally in the front lobby, and also prepares the gourmet breakfasts, dinners, and mid-day snacks. She's an amazing chef, and that's probably where my love of cooking came from. She has two women who have worked for her for years, Tina and Bethany, who do all the housekeeping and help out in other areas if Katherine is busy. I usually help with the meal prep and serving when I stay here, but Katherine also makes sure I have time to relax and enjoy myself. Meeting the guests has always been one of my favorite parts of staying at the Inn, and I've met some very intriguing people over the years I'll never forget. Most notably was a magician that seemed to be able to guess every number or color I was thinking of without fail.
"Why don't you get settled, call your dad, and then meet me out on the porch and we'll talk before dinner?" Katherine suggests, laying my suitcase on the four-poster bed in the guest room.
"Sounds good."
After a quick talk with my Dad, I get Snuggles’ cage settled by the window, give her some fresh water and food, put all my clothes in the closet and dresser. and my makeup and hair products in the small adjoining bathroom.
I meet up with Aunt Katherine on her private porch that overlooks the water where she has a plate of crackers, cheese. and fresh fruit waiting for me with a fluted crystal glass of water with a twist of lemon.
"Spoiling me already?" I tease with a grin, taking a seat beside her at the small bistro table. "All of my favorites."
"Of course," she smiles. "I have to tell you, it's so strange to see you driving your own car. You're growing up too fast."
"My dad says the same thing."
She nods. "I'm sure he's having a hard time with it. How has he been?"
"Good. Working on the new album. They're going on tour in the fall. He wants me to go with him."
She grimaces. "I'm not sure you should be traipsing around with all those men, Kenzi, and sleeping on a bus. Even though they're your uncles, there's going to be roadies, and fans, all sorts of strange people. You're a beautiful young lady who needs privacy."
"I'm not sure I'll go. I have to think about it."
"Is he still visiting Ember?" She asks, staring down into her cup of Earl Grey.
"Every weekend when he's not touring."
Nodding, she shakes her head in disbelief and takes a sip of tea. "Let's not talk about that," she says. "I want to have a great time and focus on you. Tell me how was your prom? I got the picture you texted me, and you looked absolutely gorgeous."
I place a slice of cheddar onto a wheat cracker and take a bite before answering. "Do you want the truth or a happy lie?"
"The truth. What happened?"
I sigh and eat the other half of my cracker before I tell her about the disaster that was my prom and then the aftermath of getting teased by half my class for bailing on one of the hottest guys in our school and being nicknamed the slutty prude.
Aunt Katherine touches my hand. "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. What a bunch of jerks. I really wanted you to have the best time and have good memories. What's wrong with kids these days?"
"I don't know, but it really sucked. Thank God Toren came to get me that night. Please don't tell my father, he doesn't know I had a crappy time. I told him it all went okay."
"I promise I won't tell him."
"Thanks. It will just upset him, and I can't do that to him. He has so much on his mind already."
"You can't always protect him, Kenzi. I know your intentions are in the right place, but he's the adult, not you."
"I know. But you know how he is. He's so sensitive, and he takes it hard when I'm upset like he thinks he could have somehow prevented it from happening. And then he wants to try to make it better."
"Trust me, I know how he is. He's the most empathetic man I've ever met in my life, but someday he's got to come to grips that he can't fix things for everyone. Your dad is like this...mysterious guardian angel. He always has been."
I laugh affectionately at her description. "Yeah, he kinda is," I gaze out at the water for a few moments. "So what about you? Anything new? Are you seeing anyone?"
"Actually, yes. I've been seeing this guy named Thomas for about three months. He's been divorced for eight years and has a daughter. She's ten years old. I've only met her once because we're trying to take things slow, but she's really sweet. Very shy."
"Oh wow!" I exclaim, surprised at the news. "I'm so happy for you! Where did you meet him?" Katherine has been single for a long time. About five years ago she went through a bad break up after she found her then-fiancé cheating on her. I remember her having a very hard time getting over the pain and betrayal of that.
"Believe it or not, he stayed here for a week. It's not often I have single men staying here alone, so at first I was a bit leery of him. Then I found out he had just lost his mother to cancer, and he wanted to spread her ashes in the water, so he stayed here to kinda get his head together. We hit it off right away," she grabs her cell phone that's laying next to her teacup. "Here, I'll show you his picture. He's really good looking."
She flips through her phone and then hands it to me. He reminds me of Ryan Reynolds only with slightly graying hair at the temples. "Wow! He's hot!"
Taking the phone back, she smiles at his picture, her cheeks turning pink, and that makes me feel so happy for her that she's met someone who she's obviously very interested in.
"Thanks. I like him a lot. He's such a nice guy, too. I was hoping we could all have dinner while you're here, so you could get to know him."
"I'd love to."
"I told him all about you, and he's excited to meet you. He's actually been to concerts for both of your parents’ bands so he was a little excited to hear that you're their daughter. He's not a crazy fan, though. So don't worry. He won't be hammering you with questions."
Thankfully I've never been targeted by over-zealous fans of my parents’ bands. Years ago Sydni and Toren were at a bar with my parents, and a fan was obsessing over Sydni, trying to talk to her and take photos of her. Apparently he kept trying to touch her, and Tor went off on him and ended up beating the guy’s ass pretty bad, which is how he ended up in jail for assault. Even though the guy had been harassing Sydni, he hired a lawyer and filed charges, also trying to sue Sydni for emotional distress. People do the craziest things.
15
Kenzi
I thought of you today.
But then again, I think of you every day.
The only difference was today
I could think of you without pain.
Without crumbling.
Today, I thought of you, and I smiled.
And it was all worth it.
I'd do it again.
Every tear, every sleepless night, every day of missing you.
I would do it all again, just to have you.
I miss you. I want you. I love you.
I wish for you.
Kenzi
I love waking up at the Inn because the cool breeze blows through the bedroom windows, and I can see and hear the water if I sit up in bed. Watching the sun set and rise every day is a beautiful bonus.
My moment of tranquility on the tenth day of my visit quickly fades as my eyes lower from the view out my window to Snuggles in her cage. Usually, she sits atop her little wooden house, and also stares out the window or sleeps peacefully up there, enjoying the fresh air, her little bunny nose twitching.
But today, she's laying on her side in the cage, up against her pile of hay. Throwing my quilt off, I race over to her cage and pull the little door open, reaching inside to stroke her.
"Snuggles?"
My tiny best friend is unmoving. Not breathing. Her little nose incredibly still.
She's gone.
"No, no, no..." I whisper, gently stroking her ears. "Please wake up."
Years and months of pent up anguish roll over me as I lean my forehead against the metal cage. The heartache that came from losing my mother, then my little cousin, the teasing at sch
ool, and the confusion with Tor rips through me as I stroke my bunny’s tiny lifeless body.
I want it all to stop. I want off this ride.
I didn't realize I was screaming and going into hysterics until Aunt Katherine came rushing into the room and had to pull me away from the cage while Tina covered it with a sheet and they both sat with me on my bed, trying to calm me down. Katherine made me chamomile tea and rocked me like a baby while I cried over my little rabbit that lived so much longer than most do, but still wasn't long enough. I feel safe having my aunt comfort me like my mother used to, so I let her, instead of fighting it like I normally would. If I close my eyes and listen to her voice, it's almost like mom is here with me again, telling me everything is going to be okay, and she loves me with all the love in the world.
I cry until I have no more tears left, and then Katherine puts me on the phone with my father, who cries with me and offers to come be with me, but I tell him no. There's no sense in disrupting his schedule and making him drive all the way out here, so I assure him I feel much better after having a good cry and I'm in good hands here at the Inn.
After Katherine leaves to prepare the mid-day snack for her guests, I fall asleep, exhausted from crying. I dreamt that Toren came to me, the faint scent of his earthy cologne enveloping me in its familiarity as he gently brushes my hair from my face and presses his lips to my cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Angelcake," he whispers.
"Tor?" He's here, sitting on the edge of my bed. Blinking, I expect him to vanish back into my dream, but he's still here, big and incredibly masculine in this tiny room with its canopy bed and flowered curtains.