by Carian Cole
"It's a start."
"What's wrong with you? You never act like this with me."
"I know, Syd, and maybe that's been the problem. I let you have your way for too long and now I'm done." She picked the wrong day to show up and try to make amends. I have way too much on my mind already to be adding her back into the mix.
"Have my way?" she repeats. "What the hell does that mean?"
"Are we seriously going to hash this shit out again?" I press the power button and the blender starts its angry racket of mixing, drowning out her voice. She stops talking and waits until I turn it off to start up again.
"I'm going on tour soon. I'd like to work things out before I leave."
"Work what out?"
"Us." She comes around the kitchen island to stand in front of me, her long fiery red hair almost reaching to her ass now. Her makeup is flawless, as always, with thick black eyeliner lining her eyes, the color of them mocking me today. Sydni has a thing for colored contact lenses and today she chose green, making me want to pull them out of her head because they remind me of Kenzi's, only without the sparkle of the gold flecks hers have.
"There is no us anymore."
"Why not? Is there someone else?"
The thick shake goes down my throat and almost comes back up again. There's never been anyone else in the past. I focused on work, Devils’ Wolves, taking care of my family, and spending time with the someone else who I never realized was a someone else until right at this moment. The main reason I don't want to give Sydni another chance is because I don't want her anymore. I force down another gulp of the chalky drink as I face the cold hard truth - the moment I kissed Kenzi, she became the One. Maybe she always was.
"Well?" Sydni prods. "Is it Lisa?"
"No. We're just friends. I haven't even slept with her. I sleep with this dog and cat every night."
"Is that because you love me?"
"No, Syd. It's because I love myself."
She rolls her eyes at me, a gesture I despise. "You know I don't care about who you fuck, Tor. I'd only care if you had feelings for another woman. Sex isn't a threat to me, but I won't share your heart."
I stare into the fake eyes of the woman I spent years in a relationship with, wondering where we went wrong.
Downing the last of my drink, I place the cup in the sink before turning to face her again. I tighten the towel around my waist and lean back against the counter. I'd rather be having this conversation with clothes on but I know she isn't going to give me a few minutes to go get dressed. She'll follow me to the bedroom and try to divert this conversation into other oral activities to distract me.
Pushing my wet hair out of my face, I say what I should have said years ago. "Syd, I never wanted an open relationship. Ever. It's just not my thing."
"Since when? We've been this way for ten years, Tor."
I shake my head. "No. You wanted it that way. You wanted the freedom to fuck whomever you wanted while you ran around with the band and I had to stay home."
She laughs and crosses her arms. "Come on, Tor. You got to screw anyone you wanted while I was gone. We both had fun. I think, as usual, you're jealous that I'm living my dream and you gave yours up."
"One time," I admit through clenched teeth, furious over her last stab. "One fucking time I was with another woman and it made me feel sick. But you? I don't even want to know how many guys you've been with under this free-to-fuck-anyone deal you tried to rope me into just so you could suck and fuck your way across the country."
"I'm not a slut."
"Then don't act like one. I heard you slept with Vandal Valentine a while back. He's a goddamn lunatic, Syd. His cheese has completely slid off his sandwich. Ropes and chains? What the hell is wrong with you that you'd want to get in bed with that kind of crazy?"
"I wanted to try something new. I've been friends with him for years, and I trust him. It's no big deal."
"So you just had to fuck him, too? Someone I know and have to see all the time? He's Asher's fuckin' cousin. Was that your way of living out your fantasy of being with Ash? I hope you didn't sleep with all his brothers, too. Have some fucking class."
Mad tears brim in her eyes. "This isn't fair, Tor. You never said you didn't want freedom. We agreed when I was home, it was just us, but when I was on the road, we could both do what we wanted as long as feelings didn't get involved. Now you want to throw it in my face? This is so like you, to not ever talk and then just blow up and try to blame it all on me."
"You're right. I should have said something years ago and put an end to it. I was so hell bent on trying to make you happy that I just let you do whatever you wanted. And I guess I thought that since you supposedly loved me, you'd stop after, I dunno, the first three guys maybe?"
"I didn't love any of them. You're the only one I've ever loved. You know that."
"Whoop dee fuckin' doo, Syd. Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Yes. Sex doesn't matter. It was just stupid party fun."
I turn my head up toward the ceiling and laugh. "Oh, I see. Well, how about a few months ago when you said you wanted to get married, because...wait a second, let me think on the exact words you used...Asher won't ever let go of Ember and you're tired of waiting around for him to give you a chance. So I'm just the next best thing?"
"I didn't mean it like that."
"Riiiiggghhht. It's a good thing Ash has some morals and won't touch you with a ten-foot pole or you wouldn't even be standing here right now, would you? You'd be sleeping with him, and forgetting all about me until you needed something."
She glares at me and I know what I said is true; she'd definitely choose him over me. "I'm not going to apologize for something you agreed to, whether you took advantage of it or not. Now that you've told me how you feel, I'll stop." She steps closer and runs her hands up my bare chest, clasping them behind my neck. "We'll start over, then. With a commitment to each other. Maybe it's time we take things to the next level."
I refuse to put my hands on her. "C'mon, Sydni. Do you really think you can do that? Be gone for months and not fool around with someone?"
"I think so. You can meet up with me every few weeks. That's what the other couples do."
The thought of flying around the country to meet with her in hotels for nights of sex and rushed dinners and conversations, only to come back home alone doesn't exactly fit into the plan I wanted for my future.
Her pink-stained lips press against my chest, her hands tightening around my neck. I close my eyes, willing myself to enjoy her touch like I used to, hoping to feel a spark. When Kenzi touches me, my heart feels like it's going to fly out of my chest. No matter where she touches me, even if it’s just my hand in an innocent way, I feel it everywhere. The euphoria of her spreads from my head to my toes, electrifying every inch in between, making me want to grab onto her and never let go. Her touch reaches right into my soul and friggin' owns me.
Why, why, why am I thinking about Kenzi when I have a gorgeous woman trying to climb me like a tree right now?
Sydni's mouth moves up to my neck, gently biting me, but the feelings don't come. My dick is bored, and so am I. I'm completely numb to her. Grabbing her hands in frustration, I pull her off me.
"What's wrong?" She comes back at me, reaching for my towel this time, but I push her away. Why are women always trying to pull my clothes off? I probably could make bank if I become a stripper at this point.
"I can't do this right now."
"Jesus, Toren. It's been months."
Hmm. It's been months for me, but I wonder how long it’s been for her.
"I don't care. I need some time to think first."
"So you'll think about giving us another chance?"
"Maybe," I reply, brainwashing myself so I'll forget about Kenzi. "Let's see if you can get through the entire tour without being with someone else. And when you get back home I want you to have a full STD panel done. Then we'll talk about maybe starting over. And that's a huge fu
ckin' maybe, Syd, because honestly, I just don't know if I can do this with you again."
She lets out an exasperated sigh. "Fine. If that's what it takes, I'll give it a shot."
I can't believe she needs to give not fucking other men a shot. Like it's going to be some kind of feat of extraordinary talent to keep her mouth and her legs closed until she can be with me, the guy she claims to love.
"Yeah, well I won't hold my breath."
"You don't have to be a jerk, Tor. I said I'd try," she rubs at her nose. "And what about this dog and cat? If we get back together, I'll be sneezing nonstop."
I reach down to pet Diogee, who's almost always at my side. "Then I guess you'd have to take an allergy pill. Or not come over. They're not disposable. This is their home."
"We'll see about that. I have a feeling if you have to choose between pussies, you'll choose mine." She says with a smirk.
I know she's joking, but I'm not seeing the humor in it. "One thing I've learned over the past few months is I can live without it, Syd. You don't have any power over me with that. So, the pets stay, no matter what."
I'm not sure why, but it's bugging me that she didn't even ask their names, or want to know how I saved them. She didn't sit on the floor and pet them, or show any interest in them at all. Unlike Kenzi, who treats this dog like royalty-brushing him, trimming his nails. and making him all natural peanut butter dog treats from some recipe she found on Pinterest. She even ate one herself first, to make sure it tasted good. If that's not love, I don't know what is.
Fuckin’ Kenzi, creeping back into my mind again. Always haunting me.
17
Kenzi
Kenzi ~ age thirteen
Tor ~ age twenty-eight
I smile at the framed photo of my parents that's on the night table on my mom's side of the bed. They're about fourteen and fifteen in this picture, and they're kissing, but smiling against each other’s lips. They look so young but also so much the same. It's my favorite photo of them.
"Mom, how did you know Dad was the one?" My eyes linger on the photo for a moment longer before turning to her. She's laying on her stomach at the end of their bed, writing in her journal as she does every night, her long blonde hair falling around the rims of her nerdy, yet trendy, red-framed glasses.
She chews on the end of her pen, her face lighting up as she's thinking about my dad. I love how much they love each other. Never fighting, always hugging and kissing, always whispering secrets to each other, and pulling each other closer for kisses. It's like they existed in their own little bubble of love and forgot the rest of the world existed.
"I just knew. I'd seen him around school and thought he was incredibly cute. But the first time we actually met face-to-face, he looked into my eyes with a dreamy smile and said 'Oh shit. There goes my heart'. We stayed in the park all day that day, just holding hands and talking. We found out we had a lot in common. Music, writing, the same foods and movies, the same fears and dreams. I felt like I had met the other half of myself. He walked me home at midnight, gave me my first kiss, and told me he could see his entire life in my eyes." She closes her journal, a big smile on her face. "Needless to say I fell totally head over heels in love with him and we've been inseparable ever since. My parents were less than thrilled, but nothing they could say or do could have kept me away from him."
"That's awesome," I say wistfully. "I want to fall in love like that someday."
She rolls over onto her back and stares at me, upside down, her hair hanging off the edge of the bed. It's easy to see how my dad was so easily taken by her playful eyes, loving nature, and beautiful smile. She's the kind of woman you just gravitate toward and want to be close to. She makes everyone around her feel loved and beautiful, just like my dad does. Together, they are the perfect fairytale couple.
"You will, baby. Don't ever settle or be afraid to love. I always want you to follow your heart, no matter what."
Kenzi
It's not even eight a.m. yet and my phone is blowing up with text messages.
Chloe: Happy birthday to my girl! I love you!! Call me!
Rayne: 18 baby! Woot! Love ya, my little chickadee!
Sailor: Happy birthday, beautiful. Hope it's the best
Uncle Storm: I refuse to accept that you're 18. Stop it.
Uncle Talon: Happy birthday, sweetheart. See u soon. :-)
Uncle Lukas: Happy birthday little one. Stop by and I'll give you your first tat ;-)
Finn: 18 spankings, Kensington. My palm is waiting.
When I meet up with Katherine for breakfast on her private porch, she comes out with homemade waffles with whipped cream and strawberries with a candle in the middle, singing happy birthday. I blow out my candle and hug her, trying hard to hold back the tears I can already feel coming on again. On days like this, I miss my mother so much. In many ways she was more like a best friend to me, since we basically grew up together, and it rips my heart up that she's not here. I'm getting older now, and she's stopped, forever at twenty-nine.
"I have a surprise for you." Katherine says as we start eating breakfast. "A good friend of mine in town is a photographer, and she said she would love to come by and shoot with you and make a professional portfolio for you."
I swallow my bite of waffle, my interest piqued. "Wow, that would be amazing. I've been hoping to do some more modeling. Most of my shoots are from two years ago and I look so young."
"That's exactly what I told her. She does fashion, boudoir and weddings mostly, and she has a really great eye. I thought as a birthday present, I'll pay for her to do some different shoots for you. I showed her your prom photo because it's the most recent I had, and she thinks you're stunning. She's really excited to work with you."
"I'm excited, too. Maybe I should go into town later today and pick up some outfits to wear? I didn't bring much with me other than jeans and shorts. I'd like to pose in something nicer, maybe even a tiny bit sexy. What do you think? Do you think that would be okay? Or a big mistake?" I'm not sure I'm good at being sexy in any way but I know if I want to do some modeling, then I have to at least make an attempt. Chloe is always telling me to work what I've got but I seriously have no idea how to do that.
"I'll have Tina cover me and I'll go with you. I could use some time out of here myself. And I think something a little sexy but classy is fine. No nudity, though, please," she laughs. "You're eighteen now. I've seen some of Anna's work and she can make you look gorgeous and alluring without looking trashy. She does hair and makeup, too. Trust me, this is going to be fabulous and I think it will definitely boost your confidence once you see how beautiful you are."
Three hours later I'm in a small boutique in town trying on lingerie for the first time in my life when I get a text from Toren.
Tor: Happy birthday, my Angel. Hoping this year brings you nothing but happiness, love, and dreams come true. I've loved watching you grow up from an adorable, feisty little girl to the beautiful woman you are today. Your parents and I are so proud of you. Always remember how special you are, and no matter where life takes you, you'll always have all my love and support. xo
I can't stop reading his message, trying to decipher if these words are from the man who helped raise me or the man who kissed me like he wanted to devour me.
He's both.
Therein lies our dilemma. He'll never be one or the other. He'll always be both to me, just as I'm sure I'll always be both his best friend’s little girl and the woman he suddenly has unwanted feelings for. We're always going to be twisted up, caught in the web of our past and teased by the glimpses of what we could have been.
A knock on the dressing room door startles me and I nearly drop my phone. "Kenzi? Are you okay?" Aunt Katherine asks, her voice full of concern.
"Yes," I say through the door. "I was just adjusting the straps. I'll be out in a second."
Taking a deep breath, I type back.
Me: You had a huge part in helping me be the person I am today. You've been my r
ock since the day I was born. I will always and forever love you the most. xo
There's so much more I want to say, but I don't let myself for fear of making him mad and uncomfortable again. I can picture him in my mind so clearly right now, sitting with his legs crossed on the floor of his shop in front of an old Harley, with his cell phone in his hand, smudged with grease, a faint crooked smile on his lips as he reads my text. He once told me those were his favorite words, and I hope he knows that over the years they have come to mean much more to me than they did when I first wrote them at seven years old.
18
Tor
My love,
For all the times I pushed you away
My heart was trying to pull you closer
Tor
"Grab the rope out of the truck," I yell to Tristan.
"Tor, you can't go down there with your back problems."
"No shit, that's why you're going. Get the fucking rope."
Tanner laughs as our brother takes off for the truck. "It's about time the kid gets his hands dirty." He says.
"True, bro. Let's not drop him, though. I'm not going in after him and the dog."
We stare down over the side of the bridge as Tris runs back to the truck. The river is raging beneath us, and a black lab is clinging to the side of the embankment, his back legs in the water. It's a miracle he's not being swept away by the current and the only thing I can think that his collar must be snagged on something like a rock or tree branch, keeping him where he is. If whatever it is lets loose, he's going to be dragged down into the water and downstream and will most likely drown.