by Addison Cole
Swallowing past a painful lump in her throat, she said, “You hurt someone else?”
Ryan explained that he’d hooked up with another girl a few nights after Max had left him, and they’d gone back to her apartment off campus. While they were in bed, she’d taken the dominant role, and Ryan’s memories had come rushing back. “It was like I blacked out. I didn’t remember hurting her, or calling her names, and by the time I regained control, she had locked herself in the bathroom, bruised and bleeding. She told me that if I left, she wouldn’t report me to the police. After I was back home for a week or two, my parents began to notice—or maybe accept is a better word—the changes. My father tracked down psychiatrists and psychologists. He took me to just about every doctor he could find. They all made the same diagnosis, but he didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to accept it either, but I also didn’t want to be the person who hurt others.”
“Should I have seen something in particular? Did I miss a major sign? Was it triggered by the thought of moving with me out of state?” Max asked. All these years I thought your anger was aimed at me specifically. What else have I misjudged?
“No. It had nothing to do with that. They don’t really know why I started recalling the memories, but I went through an inpatient program, where they assessed and treated and reassessed. You know my mom. She was nowhere near prepared to deal with this. I’ve gone through years of therapy, and it took forever for them to find the right protocol of drugs to even things out. But it’s been a few years since they figured it out and got it right.” He shrugged. “And now it’s just a part of who I am and who I will always be. Luckily, with medication, I’m not violent, and I don’t have delusions anymore. I just kind of live a regular life with all of that hanging over me.”
Max’s heart hurt for him, and for herself.
He took a drink of water and then said, “Max, I’m not telling you this to gain your sympathy. I take full responsibility for my illness and for my actions. But I am glad that you got in touch with me. I have been wanting to explain this to you and to apologize. I know you, Max, and I know you probably blamed yourself all these years. You’re so sensitive. It’s one of the things I loved about you. I’m so sorry for those weeks, that night, and for all the nights since that you’ve relived it. If I could erase it all from your mind and add your burden to mine, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
It wasn’t me. It wasn’t because he was going to move with me. The thoughts of her misplaced blame were quickly pushed aside and replaced with thoughts of Ryan, the boy she’d known before he changed and the man he was, bravely sitting there with her, exposing the most vulnerable parts of himself.
“You must have been so scared when you were going through it,” she said. As scared as I was that night.
“Petrified. Imagine not wanting to live in your own skin. That’s what it was like,” he said with a hefty dose of shame. “When I think back to how I hurt you, the awful things I said, and that night…and then the other woman, who I have since explained my situation to and apologized. I just wish it all never happened.”
She saw pain and honesty in his eyes, and beyond that, she saw something that she had never expected to see again. She saw the young man who had been her friend, and she remembered what Savannah had said about forgiveness. Maybe this was just what they both needed.
If someone had asked her yesterday if she’d ever forgive Ryan Cobain, she would have said, Never, without hesitation. As she looked at him sitting across from her, not hiding behind his illness, not shirking the responsibility of having done those hurtful acts, but laying his life out for her like an open book, she felt the anger leaving her body, floating out with the words as they rolled off her tongue. “Ryan,” she said with a shaky voice. “I forgive you.”
He looked down at his lap. A little nag in the back of Max’s mind worried that when he looked up again, it would be with the cold eyes she remembered—but he didn’t. The same warm man who had apologized only moments before was right there in front of her, looking at her with empathy, honesty, and tears in his eyes.
“I can’t tell you what that means to me,” he admitted, and then shifted his gaze around the room as he blinked away tears. “I’m sorry I’m so emotional.”
“How could you not be? This whole thing is emotional. Those years were emotional. Do you remember what we were like when we first met? Everything had us on an emotional high.” She was astonished that she’d said it, much less wanted to remember those better times, but it felt good.
“Yeah, I do.” He wrinkled his brow. “Max, I have to ask, why now? After all these years, why are you just tracking me down now? You don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business. I’m just curious.”
Max touched her shirt. Treat. “It’s okay. I don’t mind telling you. I met someone, and, well, I’m not the same person I was when I was with you. After I left, I grew up and became self-sufficient.” But remained scared, until now. “He makes me even stronger.”
“Wait. Do you take out your own trash?” he asked with a teasing smile.
“Yes.” She grinned, remembering how she’d deemed that a boy job.
“No way. Do you ask for help in stores?”
“All the time. Gosh, I’d forgotten how shy I was. What a mess I was back then.” She covered her eyes briefly and shook her head.
“You were adorable, Max. I always knew how strong you were. I never had any doubt about your strength and courage. You were destined to accomplish everything you dreamed of. So, this guy, is he good to you?”
Max’s heart swelled even thinking about Treat. “He’s the most incredible man I have ever met, and yes, he’s very good to me.” Talking to the old Ryan was easy, comforting even. If only she’d learned years ago what she now saw so clearly. How different would her life have been? And if she hadn’t come to slay her demons…Well, she couldn’t even go there. It was too painful to think of how close she’d come to turning around and going home.
“In case you’re worried about your guy changing, what I have is pretty rare, Max. We were right at that age when it shows up. We’re past that now. I don’t think you have to worry about another guy going crazy on you out of the blue.” Ryan wasn’t making fun of her. He was being honest, like the old Ryan, thinking of her well-being.
“Thank you for that,” she said. “For all these years I thought you hurt me because you resented me. I was pretty certain of it. It’s guided my relationships, or maybe I should say my lack of relationships.”
“Max, I would have followed you anywhere. That’s what relationships are, give and take. Compromises are essential.” Ryan watched a petite redhead walking their way, and when she arrived at their table, he reached out to her. “Rachelle, this is Max.”
A warmth connected their gaze, and Max knew that Ryan cared for her. She smiled and said, “Hi.”
Rachelle put her hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “Max, I’m so glad that you finally reached out to Ryan. He’s told me a lot about you. I know how much you meant to him. He’s been worried about you for a very long time.”
“I guess I’ve worried about me, too,” Max admitted.
“Rachelle and I met when I was in the inpatient facility. She was a nurse’s aide. She’s an RN now, and she works at the hospital in town.” He smiled up at Rachelle with pride.
The love in Ryan’s eyes brought Max’s mind back to Treat and the way he looked at her, touched her, and so wonderfully completed her. She’d done it. She’d faced her worst demons, and she was still breathing.
No, she wasn’t still breathing—she was breathing like never before.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
TREAT AND SAVANNAH sat beside each other on their father’s couch. They’d brought Hal home at nine o’clock, and he was asleep by ten. Now it was nearing midnight, and Treat felt like he’d been treading water for the past twelve hours. He’d heard back from his buddy Brett and had learned the truth about Max’s ex well before he’d received the call from Ma
x confirming the same. He’d have given anything to have been in both places at once. To his surprise, Max wasn’t upset when he told her he’d hired Elite Security to watch over her in his absence. Maybe I should be upset, but it shows me just how much you care about me. She’d been incredibly brave to tackle her worst fears, and now he wanted her back safely in his arms. He’d offered to charter a flight to bring her home tonight, but she’d said she was too exhausted to even think about traveling. She’d be back in Colorado tomorrow, and she said she’d call him when she got to her apartment. It was going to be a very long night.
Rex joined them in the living room. “Where’s Josh?”
“In the shower. Want a beer?” Treat asked.
“Nah, thanks. I think we need to have a family meeting.” Rex sat in the chair next to their father’s recliner.
Josh joined them a few minutes later. “Savannah, do you want a drink before I sit down?”
“Yeah, I’ll take some wine. Red, please.”
“I’ll get it,” Treat offered. He went to the kitchen. Anything to stop the pain of staring at his father’s empty chair. They’d had a near miss, and it had brought his father’s mortality into clear focus. He wasn’t about to waste any more years away from his family.
In the kitchen, Josh asked about Hugh and Dane.
“Hugh’s on his way,” Treat explained. “Got hung up on a layover. And Dane gets in tomorrow. How are you holding up?” Josh was the most sensitive of his brothers, and Treat wanted him to know that he was there if he needed to talk.
“Okay. I’m not going to lie; it scared me. I’ve never thought of Dad as someone who could get sick.”
“Me either.” Treat took a swig of his beer. “It scared me, too, but I think Ben knows what he’s talking about, and if he thought this was anything other than stress cardiomyopathy he’d tell us.”
“Do you believe in it? Broken heart syndrome?”
Absolutely. If anything had happened to Max, I’d have been in the hospital next. “I don’t know, but we all know Dad believes he still sees and talks to Mom, and I think he just might.”
“Yeah,” Josh said. “Me too.”
“Really?” Treat asked.
Josh shrugged. “Stranger things have happened.”
“Wine, please,” Savannah called to them from the living room.
They joined the others, and for a while they sat in silence, nursing their drinks. The door opened, and Hugh started to say something, but they all turned toward him with a shush on their lips.
“Dad’s asleep,” Savannah said as she went to hug their youngest brother. “But he’s okay.”
Treat waited for Hugh to shed his leather jacket, and then he embraced him. “You okay? Your trip all right?” Hugh could easily pass for twenty-five instead of twenty-nine, with his tousled black hair that was badly in need of a trim and wearing worn Levi’s.
“It was long, but I’m here, and that’s all that matters.” Hugh greeted his other two brothers and headed to the kitchen for a drink.
“Do you want me to make you something to eat?” Savannah asked when he returned with a beer.
“Nah. I grabbed a sandwich on the way.” Hugh sat beside Savannah on the couch and kicked an ankle up onto the opposite knee. “So, Dad’s okay? What is this BHS?”
Treat explained what the doctor had told them.
“Sounds like it should be called BS to me,” Hugh joked, his brown eyes flitting from sibling to sibling.
“Hugh.” Treat used the same voice he’d relied upon when his brothers were out-of-control teenagers. It hadn’t always worked, but it did right then.
“I just mean that I don’t see why they call it that. Call it stress cardiomyopathy. Why does everything have to be about feelings?”
Treat leaned forward, and Savannah put a gentle hand on his leg, silently reminding him that they were all on edge. “Leave it alone, Hugh,” Treat said. “Who cares what they call it? The point is, he needs to take it easy for a few weeks.”
“Which is precisely what I wanted to talk about,” Rex said. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe we should hire another ranch hand or two, or a manager who can do more. I’m swamped and—”
“No need,” Treat interrupted. “I’m going to stick around for a while.”
“You have your own businesses to run,” Josh said.
“Yeah, Treat. You’ve worked too hard to give them up for this,” Savannah added.
“I’m not giving them up. I’ve thought this through. Rex, you were right. I should have come home sooner. I’ll hire someone to do my overseas work and negotiating, so I’ll have to travel only a few times a year.” Just saying it aloud made him feel much better. His dad’s illness had been a wake-up call. Even though Max didn’t want him to change his business practices, that’s exactly what he needed, and wanted, to do. She wasn’t the only one haunted by her past. Treat had fled town to escape his own demons, and it was high time he faced them.
“Treat, man, you don’t have to do that. I can deal with it,” Rex assured him. His biceps twitched, much like their father’s did when he was upset. “I’ll just hire a hand or two for a few weeks. We’ll be fine.”
“I know you can. This isn’t about you versus me,” Treat said.
“Is this about your girl? Max?” Josh’s question didn’t hold an ounce of resentment, as it might have if it had come from Rex.
The truth was, this was as much about Max as it was about him. She deserved a man free from the weight of his past.
“I’d be lying if I said this has nothing to do with her. I love her.” He paused long enough for that information to sink in. “But I realized I can’t be with her, or anyone else, until I get this off my chest. To answer your question, this is really about all of you as much as it’s about me or Max. Rex, you’ve been calling me on this for years, and I’ve deflected every jab, not because they were untrue, as I claimed, but because they were too true, and too shameful, to admit. After Mom died, I failed you guys.” This was harder than Treat had imagined it would be.
“What are you talking about? You never failed us,” Josh said.
“Come on, Josh. I did. I know I did. When it came time for college, I was relieved to move away. As hard as that is to admit it, I need you to know the truth. The ranch was one big reminder of Mom and everything I couldn’t do.” He gripped his beer bottle tighter.
“Treat,” Savannah said, reaching out to him.
“Let him finish,” Rex said, and all their siblings’ gazes shifted to him. “He’s trying to tell us something. Let him get it off his chest.”
“Thanks, Rex.” Treat didn’t know if Rex was waiting with bated breath for him to admit his failure, or if he was being a supportive brother, but it didn’t matter which one was more accurate. He was thankful either way to have his support. “Anyway, I worked my butt off to prove that I was worth something, and I realized today that I’ll never be the man Dad is.” He pointed to his father’s bedroom. “That man in there is the best kind of man, and I’m just a regular guy who never quite measured up to him.” He’d said it aloud, and now he waited for the I knew its and the It’s about times.
Savannah’s arms were around his neck seconds later. “Treat, you have never let me down. You’re everything to me, and you’re every bit the man Dad is.”
“Dude, you let me sleep in your bed after Mom died. Don’t you remember? Dad would never have done that,” Hugh said with a shake of his head. “You’re anything but a failure. You saved me.”
“And me,” Josh admitted. “You were there every time I needed anything. You waited up for me at night and never let anyone bother me. You let me climb into your bed when I was scared, too, and you listened to me cry for weeks on end. You even gave me money for field trips.”
“I had forgotten about that,” Treat said with a smile. He realized that Dane wasn’t there. It would have been easier to talk to them all at once, but since he’d already opened the floodgates, he might as well let the rest pou
r out. He’d have to talk with Dane alone after he arrived.
Treat waited to see if Rex would say anything at all, but Rex just cracked his knuckles, leaned his elbows on his knees, and looked at Treat with a stoic expression. The familiar Braden biceps dance was in full speed.
“I’m not telling you this to fish for compliments. I’m telling you because it’s haunted me forever, and I don’t want it to anymore. I’m ready to put down roots, and before I do that, I need to know that I’ve been honest with each of you. Rex, I’m sorry. You were right all along. I bailed on the ranch.”
Rex got up and walked out the back door.
Treat clenched his jaw as he rose to follow him out. At some point, with Treat around more often than not, that chip on Rex’s shoulder was going to come crashing down. Treat hoped it wouldn’t cause an even bigger issue between them.
“Let him go,” their father said.
Treat spun around and found his father leaning against the stairs. “Dad, you should be in bed.”
“I’ll go back to bed when I’m good and ready,” Hal said.
“How much of that did you hear?” Treat asked.
“Oh, I reckon I heard all of it. All of it that mattered, anyway.”
Savannah and Treat went to his side as he moved toward the living room, and he shrugged them off. He settled into his recliner, looking long and hard at his eldest son.
It was one thing to come clean to his siblings, but a whole other thing to face the man who had poured his heart and soul into raising him. He deserved everything his father was about to unload on him. He lowered himself into the chair beside his father’s recliner, never breaking eye contact, and said, “I’m sorry, Dad. You tried so hard to raise me right, and I wanted to make you proud, but…”
His father’s mannerisms reflected Rex’s, and for a minute Treat feared he might walk out just like his brother had. Instead his father reached for his hand and squeezed it. His father’s face morphed to that of strength and conviction.